MIL wanted grandson not granddaughter

[cornflakebrownie]

Name changed for this but am a long-time user. DH and I have two gorgeous DDs and to our surprise and delight are now expecting (in our 40s) our third child. Everything is going well with the pregnancy and yesterday at 20-week scan we found out all being well we’ve got another healthy girl on the way.

MIL has told my husband a couple of times earlier in the pregnancy that it would be nice if it was a boy. She says FIL also wants a grandson. This disappointed me but a few people had said similar given we have two girls already, so I just shrugged it off.

Then today DH called MIL to tell her our news and she told him “it would have been nice if it was a boy”. I can’t believe she’s still saying this now we actually know it’s a healthy girl.

I feel really sad and angry. DH says I’m overreacting. So as not to drip feed, we’ve had a few issues generally with MIL and FIL over the last few years, with them rarely coming to see the girls, we always have to go to them. There’s also been some financial troubles in their family, which have impacted us, but DH is very loyal and wants to keep up our weekly video chats with his mum.

Am I wrong to feel so pissed off?

I mean I struggle to understand it even in parents but I guess I have been lucky not to experience it. If the MIL feels disappointed she needs to shut up about it and not tell the parents.

Tbh I think I would probably count my blessings that you are expecting a girl. The favouritism would have annoyed you in favour of a boy, far more than the irritation you're feeling now

Many actual parents would say the same thing in your situation to be honest, so I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You're being horribly ageist @EbonyRaven , you do know that many of us that are 65+ were part of the first wave of feminism don't you? We celebrated our daughters and brought them up to be confident, strong women and encouraged our sons to be kind and gentle.

It's a horrible feeling OP and unless someone has been in a similar position they don't understand how hurtful it is.

My MIL couldnt even bring herself to congratulate us when we found out dc3 was another boy. We were delighted and had nearly lost ds2 at birth 2 years earlier so had no preference at all. MIL was so clearly disappointed it was unreal and ruined what should have been a fabulous experience.

DH pulled her up about it and his family fell out with him as did MIL. Apparently he was out of line for pointing out her attitude and message was awful (he wasn't).

We took the attitude if you can't include and welcome all our boys your not welcome in our lives. Relationships are still not great nearly 4 years later and we never ask her to babysit. My boys have virtually no interest in her but that's how she has chosen it to be with her attitude

She openly prefers girls but to the point she is obsessed with them and is controlling over them. My boys will never have to be subjected to that.

Congratulations on your daughter.

I do not understand this "gender disappointment is a real thing" BS
Surely the result of a healthy baby is all that matters
People obviously do not realise how lucky they are to have a baby at all
OP, your MIL is an arse

Congratulations. As for your MIL when you see her ask her why her Granddaughters are not good enough, that will have her going read in the face.

I think you might be reading way too much into it. “it would have been nice if it was a boy” does not mean that she would love her new GD any less.
I had two boys before having the first of my two daughters and I was hoping she would be a girl. I had two boys and I was happy to admit I'd like a girl. I KNOW for a fact that I wouldn't have been just as delighted and in love with a third son. I wouldn't have been even the teeniest bit disappointed in him. You can completely separate the two issues.

Your MIL shouldn't have said anything but, unless there are other things that have happened, I think you would be overreacting to think much of the comment.

We've got three girls. FIL is a thundering cock of a man and was very vocal throughout my pregnancies about wanting a grandson. I never delivered for him and he ignores our kids tbh apart from doing what he clearly feels he has to. However now BIL has had a grandson the favouritism is sickening. All I'll say is that my daughters aren't idiots and now they're getting older they've got very little time for the grandfather who has no time for them. His loss.

Red in the face

I'd be relieved you're NOT having a boy, can you imagine her ignoring your lovely girls and favouring a boy?

As it is, with any luck you won't see much of her.

Ignore them. My MIL kept saying she wanted us to have a girl with my first DS. She must have been livid by DS3! Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I personally don’t understand it, I wanted a child both times I got pregnant, didn’t mind what I had and want to find out what I was having until they arrived. My second pregnancy I lost count of the number of times I had the conversation
Q: you look like you haven’t got long to go
A: not many longer
Q: is it your first
A: No it’s my second
Q: what have you got?
A: a girl
Q: do you know what you’re having?
A: no
Q: do you want a boy?

There are so many posts on gender disappointment and all the posters tell them that it’s normal to feel like it and it will all be ok. Whether it’s a MIL or random stranger some people assume that everyone wants both a girl and boy, like it’s the dream family.
My friend with three boys lost count during her third pregnancy of the amount of times she was asked, or told, you must want a girl.
I’m sure the OP would have been just as happy if she was expecting a boy just as much as she is having a girl. I’m sure the MIL is going to love her new granddaughter as much as the others. I’d let it go and only worry about it if she treats the baby differently. She’s just being insensitive. I’d either tell her to shut up or change the subject.

After 15 years of infertility I had a boy. Then, miraculously, 3 years later I got pg again, with another boy. When we told MIL her reaction was 'another boy? couldn't you have tried for a girl?'. Said in front of her son and mine. I answered, 'No, I wanted another boy, sons are wonderful.'

She now has no contact to speak of with either of our boys. She is apparently closer to her two gdd. Her loss.

That’s so weird that she said this - what on earth is the point!? It’s not like you can change the gender (not that it matters anyway!) and it’s only gonna piss you off.

TBH I think best to let your DH handle this given they are his parents but I’d be getting mine to say that was insensitive comment and it’s upset you.

YANBU.

I had a MIL like this. It was very much a reflection of her misogyny.

Point out the misogyny to your DH and tell him his daughters and his wife are being completely disrespected by MIL amd FIL.

I'm so tired of all this - people being disappointed by a certain gender. All babies are unique human beings and special regardless of their genitals. Your MIL already has a son, why obsess about having a grandson too? Some people are never satisfied with what they have. She's lucky to have (at least one) child and now three granddaughters. Count your blessings!
I had similar from my MIL who was obsessed with me having 3 children. It's all she banged on about - that I must give her 3 grandchildren. Well we stopped at 2 after I had prolapses and a cancer diagnosis and she still pressurised me to have more in my 40s! I'm not at all assertive but I said very strongly that I'd given her a healthy granddaughter and a healthy grandson and she really needed to learn to be thankful for what she had in life. After that she never mentioned it again.

Say "there's always a chance she'll be trans"

My sympathies, OP - but don’t let the buggers dim your happiness.

My ex-MIL and SIL were OBSESSED with little girls - SIL had three boys, I had two with third on the way and the things they said to me along the lines of ‘let’s hope it’s not another boy’ we’re horrendous, (particularly as me eldest was going through cancer treatment at the time)

As it was, I did have a daughter. They couldn’t have been less interested, except to appear every now and again with another ridiculously flouncy, impractical dress, tell me I was doing everything wrong and then bugger off.

Enjoy your family, your way - best of luck x

please please do this.

My FiL was the same when I had DS2, however they bonded well once he was actually here. I did have a girl later but that didn't affect his relationship.

That's a very ageist and sweeping statement regarding 65+ women.

Have you actually any proof of this, as in how much research have you done to back it up, or is it just the odd 65+ women or two that you know.

Over the years that I've been on MN I have seen quite a number of thread started by young women who are disappointed by the sex of the babies they were expecting or who wanted a particular sex if they did become pregnant. I assume none of them was over 65 years of age.

I'm 74 and have never felt that way. When my grandchildren were born I was just happy that they were healthy babies.

They are small people, not robots ordered to some preconceived notion of 'boy' or 'girl'.

I have three adult children, when they were born I had absolutely no preference regarding sex, again I just wanted healthy babies.

You ok hun?

But it’s not one comment. How do people get through life being unable to comprehend written words?

I cannot be bothered with less-than-satisfactory relationships, so I don’t. I’m sorry you do.