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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanted grandson not granddaughter

191 replies

cornflakebrownie · 24/05/2023 13:44

Name changed for this but am a long-time user. DH and I have two gorgeous DDs and to our surprise and delight are now expecting (in our 40s) our third child. Everything is going well with the pregnancy and yesterday at 20-week scan we found out all being well we’ve got another healthy girl on the way.

MIL has told my husband a couple of times earlier in the pregnancy that it would be nice if it was a boy. She says FIL also wants a grandson. This disappointed me but a few people had said similar given we have two girls already, so I just shrugged it off.

Then today DH called MIL to tell her our news and she told him “it would have been nice if it was a boy”. I can’t believe she’s still saying this now we actually know it’s a healthy girl.

I feel really sad and angry. DH says I’m overreacting. So as not to drip feed, we’ve had a few issues generally with MIL and FIL over the last few years, with them rarely coming to see the girls, we always have to go to them. There’s also been some financial troubles in their family, which have impacted us, but DH is very loyal and wants to keep up our weekly video chats with his mum.

Am I wrong to feel so pissed off?

OP posts:
ladydimitrescu · 24/05/2023 18:39

Mine said "oh, never mind" when I announced the sex, first baby and first grandchild. Had the opposite sex the next time and she doesn't care about that one either.

sodabreadjam · 24/05/2023 18:54

I am a grandmother. Your job as a grandparent is to say "that's lovely" to any news about grandchildren - the first or the tenth, all boys or all girls, whatever names are chosen. You don't give opinions unless you are asked.

The only thing that would have disappointed me would be having no grandchildren - even then I hope I wouldn't have made my disappointment too obvious.

GuitarsUnderTheStars · 24/05/2023 18:54

She’s an idiot. No loving parent or grandparent would say it.

I’d distance myself a bit, she’s not going to bring positive things to your life with such an unhealthy attitude. You don’t have to put up with her inappropriate comments, you can choose an alternative.

MissLC · 24/05/2023 19:39

I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL. MIL would constantly comment that boys are better... turns out SIL was having a 2nd boy and, of course, I was having a girl.
The boys are hugely favoured by her still but I absolutely adore our little girl. She is bright, sassy and such a joy to be around (most of the time) and she is doted on by me, her dad and maternal grandparents.
I'm sure your little one will be just as adored when she arrives. All you can do is ignore MIL comments and enjoy your little one.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 24/05/2023 19:42

We had some of that when we had our 3rd daughter, also early 40s. We didn't find out til she was born.
After shoulder dysocia, a million stitches, PPH and ending up in HDU, I felt fairly justified in telling people how truly grateful we were that we were both alive. That shut them up.

Original poster
cornflakebrownie · 24/05/2023 21:33

Congratulations @FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb and @MissLC on your fabulous girls.

@sodabreadjam I wish you were my MIL!

Thank you to everyone who has responded, it’s been a massive help sorting this all out in my mind.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 24/05/2023 21:44

Ignore the tactless creature.

Anyone with a brain knows whether a child is born well and healthy is all that matters.

roobyro · 24/05/2023 21:51

Father in law reacted exactly the same.
To be honest, it just went over my head. Gender disappoint is real. Perhaps it shouldn't be shared, but it's family and I'm sure she will love her grandchild when she is born.

As I have got older I have learnt to not let the small things bother me. Depends on how she is as a grandparent to be honest. If she doesn't bother, then it's going to make no difference- and at least she won't have favourites. If she does bother, then don't take it to heart.

VerasRaincoat · 24/05/2023 22:38

My MIL was exactly the same, she said she’d only be interested and buy the baby gifts if we had a boy. We ended up having the sex she wanted, but knowing that her love was dependent on the ‘right’ sex, I put zero effort into ensuring she has any relationship with him. My husband now doesn’t bother so I’m not going to remind him to call or to invite them over. She’s also an awful person in other ways which I’m sure most mils who are nasty enough to voice gender preferences are.

Can’t believe posters are saying gender disappointment should extend to grandparents 🙄🙄🙄 Can only deduce they are rude mils too.

My mother wouldn’t dream of voicing a preference, just that that he or she were happy and healthy.

anon666 · 25/05/2023 18:02

This happened with MIL and FIL.

Just ignore it. Their loss for being so weird about it. It's annoying but not a deal breaker.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 25/05/2023 18:16

I would reply , well it’s a shame that after 2 granddaughters you still haven’t learned to be a proper grandmother! That’s will shut her up

Itsonlywater · 25/05/2023 18:17

Congratulations! One of my close friends has 3 beautiful girls and they are the best of friends. Our son is the only grandson on both sides after many years of girls. After hearing for what seemed like an eternity from FIl how nice it would be to have a boy in the family, he hasn't made any effort with our son (or daughter for that matter). Just no pleasing some people unfortunately. Enjoy these precious times with those that matter

NoPaintedPony · 25/05/2023 18:31

There’s something about pregnancy and having children that makes people, especially older ladies feel they’re allowed to say and do whatever they please.
If u had been blessed with a boy mil or someone would say, that u can stop now as u have both - yeap happened to me 🙄
At the end of the day, if the baby and you are healthy, that’s all matters

EbonyRaven · 25/05/2023 18:35

You're not allowed to voice out loud (on here) what you said in your first sentence ^ @NoPaintedPony but you are 100% correct.

aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2023 18:37

I think this really depends on context. On the surface of it, "it would have been nice if it was a boy" is not the absolute nicest thing she could have said, but I also don't think it's as rude as something like "what a shame". The latter is inherently negative, whereas the former COULD be said in a relatively chirpy way that precedes general positivity about the baby regardless. Different if it was said reproachfully and didn't come across like it came with an implied "but we're all very excited anyway" I'm guessing that since you say you have issues with them anyway, it didn't come across generally positive. But I do think that makes a difference to how offensive this is.

CriticalAlert · 25/05/2023 18:38

Congratulations on your healthy girl. Don't get upset about your mil comment. She's a moron.

magma32 · 25/05/2023 18:50

Mummy08m · 24/05/2023 14:58

I can't believe so many people from this thread are saying its OK, even normal.

My mum is from a culture where they stereotypically prefer having baby boys over girls, (it's so common there that they have banned sex-selective abortions). My grandparents used to say openly to my mum and her 5 siblings (3 of each) that boys are better and treated them differently. The trauma and messed-up-ness that I see in both my uncles and aunts (and my mum) is insane. The gendered expectations are insane. If I got a whiff of that from either set of DD's grandparents, let alone my DH I'd be going NC sharpish. I'd never let anyone make my DD feel lesser for being a girl. I'm getting enraged just at the hypothetical thought of it. That kind of trauma is lifelong.

Exactly, I was/am on the receiving end of it as they had their golden child (my brother) and the rest of us girls were a disappointment due to wanting that elusive 2nd heir and boy they didn’t half go on about it, i could say so much about their treatment of us but I am mostly v v low contact as the geographic distance helps but they don’t say anything about my kids, because they know full well I’d be nc just like that. I mean someone’s mother referred to their girl as a bitch upthread and they’re still talking? Fuck that shit. My parents would be toast!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/05/2023 19:18

nettytree · 24/05/2023 13:50

Well that's one mil that won't get to meet granddaughter.

Bit extreme

Ihearticecream · 25/05/2023 19:20

I would say “She’s disappointed too…. Disappointed she doesn’t have grandparents who love her for who she is”

AllyArty · 25/05/2023 19:23

I had the same problem with my in-laws and to a lesser extent my own mother. Some people are just so unkind. My third child was was they wanted and was spoilt rotten by them. For example in-laws gave my first 2 £25 each on their birthday and £50 to my third, it used to drive my mad. At least as u have a third girl they should treat them the same. Good luck with your pregnancy and enjoy all your gorgeous girls.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 25/05/2023 19:24

FloweryName · 24/05/2023 13:56

She was having a conversation with her own son, and if it doesn’t bother him then it shouldn’t bother you.

I’d be wondering why he told you what she said if he knew you’d be likely to take it offensively.

People get disappointed over the sex of their own unborn babies, even people who turn out to be wonderful loving parents. It’s nothing personal.

This

Glittertwins · 25/05/2023 19:25

Apparently one of my grand parents wasn't happy my brother wasn't a girl. There wasn't much of a relationship after that by all accounts

DadBodAlready · 25/05/2023 19:33

Well as we all learnt from GCSE Biology its the male sperm that determines the sex. So if MIL complains again, tell her to go speak to her son, its on him, his little male swimmers aren't as good as the little female swimmers.

Dillydollydingdong · 25/05/2023 19:40

Poor woman can't help the way she feels. Her mistake is in letting people know about it. Sometimes it's best to keep the mouth firmly zipped up.

iwantawisteriathisyear · 25/05/2023 19:42

I had 3 boys. Mil made it very clear that I had completely failed her. Her opening remark when seeing ds3 for first time was " you'll have to get it right and have a girl next time".
This lack of interest in my boys continued throughout their childhood.
My sons are now adults, she is old and by herself. My sons will have nothing to do with her. Karma is a bitch