MIL wanted grandson not granddaughter

[cornflakebrownie]

Name changed for this but am a long-time user. DH and I have two gorgeous DDs and to our surprise and delight are now expecting (in our 40s) our third child. Everything is going well with the pregnancy and yesterday at 20-week scan we found out all being well we’ve got another healthy girl on the way.

MIL has told my husband a couple of times earlier in the pregnancy that it would be nice if it was a boy. She says FIL also wants a grandson. This disappointed me but a few people had said similar given we have two girls already, so I just shrugged it off.

Then today DH called MIL to tell her our news and she told him “it would have been nice if it was a boy”. I can’t believe she’s still saying this now we actually know it’s a healthy girl.

I feel really sad and angry. DH says I’m overreacting. So as not to drip feed, we’ve had a few issues generally with MIL and FIL over the last few years, with them rarely coming to see the girls, we always have to go to them. There’s also been some financial troubles in their family, which have impacted us, but DH is very loyal and wants to keep up our weekly video chats with his mum.

Am I wrong to feel so pissed off?

I have found this too, especially in women who are - I would say 65+... For some reason, they seem to prefer boys, and favour their grandsons over any grand-daughters, AND they favour their sons over any daughters. They let the 'boys' have their own way, and they never lift a finger to help, and the women get the bunting out when the sons/grandsons visit once a month, (and sit down being waited on hand and foot.)

When the females visit, it must be once or twice a week, (once a month and she'd be disowned,) she must help her parents and parents-in-law and grandparents, when they demand it, and she must be a good little girl and do the domestic shit and chores. Boys/men get away with murder from women born pre-1960 IME and IMO.

But yeah, I have heard many a woman born before 1960 blather on about how much better boys/sons are, and show disappointment and disdain when their daughters, and daughter-in-laws have girls/daughters.

Disgusting way to behave. As a few posters have said, why do some people find it so easy to be so rude and so cruel? My friend's grandmother told her mother (back in the late 1960s,) that she had massively let her and her father down by producing 3 girls. Who the fuck SAYS that?

And when my friend's mum's brother got married (and his wife produced a son,) the 3 girls were forgotten and ignored. Literally no birthday cards or gifts, and nothing for Christmas, nothing. My friend's mum went no contact with her parents when my friend and her 2 sisters were in their teens. How - and why - can people be so nasty?

Judging by this thread, nasty people still exist. Moaning and carping because a young woman isn't giving them a bloody grandson! (As has been said, it's the man's sperm that determines it anyway!)

When my last boys were born (#4 and #5), one of my elderly aunts said to me "Oh, I have been praying every night that you would have a girl...those boys will leave you, you know!". I just laughed it off because she was old and had some outdated ideas. If my MIL had said it, it probably would have annoyed me too.

Meh, my grandmother said the same to me when I found out I was expecting my daughter. I brushed it off and when DD was born, they went on to have an amazing relationship. She died when my DD was very young and she still remembers her. If she's a great grandparent to your children otherwise and there are no problems. I'd just ignore it.

There are some very strong reactions here to what I would consider a pretty normal comment. Gender disappointment is real, and if we can't express our feelings to our family who can we?

I was sad when I found out I was having a second boy and expressed to parents and siblings that I would have liked a girl. According to some of you that makes me nasty and evil? Seems a bit much.

@changewhale she hasn’t made out she’s less at all, she’s said ah it’d be nice to have a boy when OP has girls.. If she’d of said oh FFS another girl what’s wrong with you and your female breeding ovaries then yes I’d say this was nasty.

My MIL made it very clear she was disappointed dc1 was a girl, it took her 10 days to drive 3 miles to see us and the first thing she said was she hated the name and wasn’t going to use it.
With DS she drove 10 miles to the hospital the same day he was born.
Horrible spiteful woman, avid three times a weekend churchgoer but never had a good word to say about anything or anyone.

It might have been meant innocently in that it's a shame you won't get to experience having a son, rather than because of any disappointment.

My DM was 'gutted' when her third healthy grandson was born.

@EbonyRaven oh okay precious hahaha!

Buzz word bingo points for you with toxic.

No I’m not a MIL yet no but I’d hope my kids had partners who are a lot less self obsessed then some of the poster on here (yourself included).

That is different- you are the one having the baby

Shame is such a negative word though. There's no place for it

This is not a hill to die on. My grandma said the same about me (I’m the second and last daughter) my mum already had a tense relationship with her and was so offended. My grandma is old school and was sad it probably meant the end of the surname. Of course she still loved me when I arrived!

I feel it impacted my relationship with my grandma, who I saw regularly but it always felt tense / strained. I didn’t really develop a relationship with her till my late teens when I spent more time alone with her.

ironically my mum and grandma get on with everyone except each other 🤷‍♀️

MIL has told my husband a couple of times earlier in the pregnancy that it would be nice if it was a boy. She says FIL also wants a grandson

She knows you can fucking choose, right? Silly twat. Ignore her. In fact, let your husband crack on if he insists, but I’d make no effort at all for them. None.

CAN’T

“You think it’s a shame the baby isn’t a boy and I think it’s a shame that she has such unpleasant grandparents. Oh well, we can’t always get what we want, eh?”

In a weird way, it's lucky. If it had been a boy, you'd have to deal with a lifetime of them treating your boy differently to the girls and navigating that would be a nightmare...she's batshit crazy and rude

Seriously how do people get through life if they are so offended and react so ridiculously to one comment? The art of relationship building seems to be a dying art and is being replaced by constant jostling over who has the upper hand. it must be exhausting

@Eggtimerping but it’s not awful to suggest cutting off contact with a grandparent over a passing comment?

I think it's more than just gender disappointment. Doubt she'd have felt the same if OP had had all boys.

Maybe it's generational but there's an attitude to having a boy, someone to 'carry on the family name' and other bullshit.

And also, unless you're the parent of the child, 'gender disappointment' should not be a thing, and you need to get over yourself.

Is gender disappointment only valid for the parents?

Someone’s always moaning about the sex of a baby. If it’s not a poster having a breakdown over having a boy it’s grandparents wanting a girl.

Just get on with raising your family and stop caring what other people think.

You obviously have a history with this woman. Take deep breaths and get back to living your life.

Honestly it's a stretch even for parents. But I can understand it.

There is a deep-rooted misogyny in 'gender disappointment', I've only ever heard (luckily very few) people express dismay at the lack of a boy. Never for the lack of a girl.

If you aren't the parents, what's the point of sharing any disappointment with them?

To be clear I’m not referring to parents when I talk about misogyny. I mean anyone else who’s expressed disappointment.