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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sneaky mums

157 replies

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:03

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

OP posts:

AndTheSurveySays · 23/05/2023 20:16

No one likes a moaner.

Original poster

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:19

Even as first time mums when the whole point of these groups is to provide support/ friends for support? I spent the first 2 months of my DC life in high dependency in a tertiary level hospital, we thought we were going to lose him- it’s given me major health anxiety. I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

OP posts:

Bugalogaloo · 23/05/2023 20:20

Sorry you’ve had a tough time OP. Well done for tackling it and asking.

It’s really hard to give you advice without knowing you. It could be that you talk to much about your own problems and don’t listen to others and that will mean you will lose all but the very kind and thoughtful friends. But everyone has a level at which they can’t listen and support more without getting something back.

It might be that you moan an average amount but they have low tolerance or are just cut off emotionally and don’t want to hear about others problems.

Only you will know for sure. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment and I pick and chose which friends to offload to and I try and mix having a good old moan with asking about them, listening carefully and supporting them and mix in a bit of frivolous chat in too (E.G. what I’ve been watching on TV for example).

Not sure if that helps. If you have some trauma responses from the birth it might be worth asking for a referral for support via your GP.

Sorry this all happened to you OP. Must have been upsetting.

Bugalogaloo · 23/05/2023 20:21

Just saw your update. That’s really tough OP. Might be worth getting some professional support?

Emmamoo89 · 23/05/2023 20:23

Sounds like you need to get better friends. Ignore the first comment. Hope you're okay x

GoalShooter · 23/05/2023 20:23

OP I really feel for you - both for the stressful time you went through and for this recent discovery. It does sound like maybe you expected a bit more from these friends than they were able to give.

NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 23/05/2023 20:24

I’m sorry OP. It’s hard. They could be a cliquey bitchy group of people and just want a more light hearted atmosphere and left you out- that’s unkind and shame on them.
Or…maybe you have been quite hard to be around in the past? If every conversation is consumed by anxiety and stress and baby woes it could be wearing when it’s a new friendship not a long standing thing. Most parents worry and being around someone who perpetuates that can be stressful.
Only you know what you’re like and the situation.

Superdupes · 23/05/2023 20:26

That's not moaning, that's looking for a little support and empathy. I think you have to ask yourself if you really want to have them as friends.

Custardonthehob · 23/05/2023 20:27

Maybe reframe it as feedback to consider rather than criticism. You may evaluate and think you disagree but at least you've heard their side and not left wondering.

Selfietaker · 23/05/2023 20:27

I have no idea if you did ask for too much but I'm sorry this has happened. It must be very painful.

AndTheSurveySays · 23/05/2023 20:27

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me

They're there to be friends, not therapists.

You've had a horrible experience with your little one but many people have horrible experiences throughout their lives and just don't want to hear about it when out and trying to have a nice time.

Do you have other friends?

Sissynova · 23/05/2023 20:30

I think it’s pointless to have a poll. You aren’t being unreasonable for being upset but they aren’t being unreasonable to not want to spend that much time with you.
They’ve been honest about why so it might be best to take that on board rather than just making them out to be mean.

Skyeheather · 23/05/2023 20:30

Have you been speaking to them too much about your worries and anxieties?

You said they were laughing and joking and having a good time, would that have been the case if you were there? It sounds like perhaps not....

It's been a year since your DC was born, are they well now? Perhaps you need some counselling to help you through the trauma of your birth and what happened afterwards rather than repeating piling it onto friends who have probably long forgotten their births.

PurpleSunshineRain · 23/05/2023 20:31

Oh man, that was harsh. Poor you! Especially with NCT people who know exactly what you're going through. Hopefully there are some good people in that group who will reach out to you. If they don't, you have to move on and meet new Mum friends through play groups, church toddler groups, etc

LassoOfTruth · 23/05/2023 20:31

I’m sorry you’ve been through the mill OP. Now that the tiny baby stages are over you might find yourselves drifting apart anyway- my experience has been for the most part that my group of baby-group mum friends kind of served a purpose (for one another) for a while but then as children grow and lives diverged - some of us went back to work, some didn’t etc - then we just had less in common. I think it was a bit mean of them to say you talk about your problems too much. Don’t worry, I’m sure this hurts but you’ll find your feet and better friends eventually.

Sissynova · 23/05/2023 20:33

@NameChangeSorryNotSorry They could be a cliquey bitchy group of people and just want a more light hearted atmosphere and left you out- that’s unkind and shame on them.

Why shame on the mum for wanting a light hearted atmosphere though? People aren’t required to spend time with some who brings them down. There’s nothing wrong with them wanting a light hearted atmosphere.

FloweryName · 23/05/2023 20:33

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

This could be coming across quite strongly to them and you’re wrong, they’re not there to reassure or help you.

They support each other just by sharing an experience and chatting about it, not by becoming each other’s counsellors.

If they’ve been inclusive up until now and you’ve been able to have an honest conversation where they’ve been able to tell you that your moaning was too much for them, they don’t sound like horrible people.

Saschka · 23/05/2023 20:34

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

That’s what paid therapists are for, not a group of NCT mums. NCT mums are for light chat and coffee, tips about baby sensory classes and moaning about the mess of baby-led weaning, walks in the park together, and somebody to talk to at soft play.

I feel for you, it sounds like you have had an absolutely terrible year, but this stuff is much too heavy to bring up with new acquaintances. Most NICUs do actually have professional counselling services, it might be worth seeing if you can access them?

Goldenbear · 23/05/2023 20:37

They might not be very nice. Just because you are the only one left out, it doesn't mean you are the problem. It is probably one Mum leading the narrative and then the rest are convinced. I had something similar at university. I was asked to move in with these 'friends' in the first year and then in the 2nd year they asked me to move out. Basically, we were very different, I was arty and liked alternative music, they liked dressing up in heels and tons of make up on Friday night and Dance music. The main issue was really that when I went away for the week one of the girls slept with my boyfriend - it wasn't serious but it annoyed me as although it takes two to tango she had flirted with him in the flat for weeks. She lead the campaign to get rid of me as naturally I didn't think much of her. She got her loyal sidekick and the other girl in the flat had no backbone and just went with the flow as they bullied her. I would defend her when they did this but when it came down to it she couldn't develop a voice to take my side.

My experience has made me object to the notion that if everyone thinks it you are the common denominator and it is true as it is often not that, it is often the most arrogant individual spearheading the campaign. So no, get better friends I'm sure you weren't moaning, you were relaying a deeply traumatic experience to people who you thought would understand.

SunnyFrost · 23/05/2023 20:42

Sorry that happened to you, I can see completely why you’re hurt. However it does sound like you leant on them a lot and perhaps it wasn’t a very equal friendship from their perspective. Even with a straightforward birth and easy baby, becoming a mother is like a bomb going off under your life. It’s great to have friends to experience that with and share stories and the odd tear as well as lots of laughs, but very few women who have just become mums themselves will be in a position to provide significant emotional support to someone else who is really seriously struggling. Especially someone they have only recently met and where the only basis for the friendship is mutual pregnancy.

The fact that they were embarrassed and were later honest about the reasons makes me think they’re not nasty or bitchy mean girls. They probably just don’t feel able to provide the significant support you feel you need. And I can see why they might want to meet up and have fun and not be dragged down by a lot of negativity and counselling you. There are more appropriate outlets for your issues and it’s not fair to put so much on a group of other new mums.

Perhaps you can reach out to some other sources of support, then speak to them and apologise for leaning on them quite so much and explain that you’ve just been having a really hard time but value their friendship and would like to hang out still. Then try and see those get together a as a chance to have a laugh and enjoy the fun of mat leave, not as therapy sessions for yourself.

You clearly need support, as would anyone after what you’ve been through, but new NCT friendships aren’t an appropriate primary form of support. Good luck, I hope you can bounce back from this and not let it knock your confidence too much. We’ve all misjudged social situations before, don’t beat yourself up.

Fruttidelbosco · 23/05/2023 20:43

People should be grown up enough to realise how difficult a time you have been having.

Moaning isn’t really the right word for how you may have been talking about your experiences. They should have dug a bit deeper and included you. They may realise this one day.

Don’t reflect on their feedback. Enjoy your baby. New mates will come along.

Original poster

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:45

Maybe I should have been a bit more clear. Whenever we met up we’d go on play dates, baby sensory, to the library etc. I’d never sit there and make it all doom and gloom, we’d spend time speaking about our babies and how amazing they are. Not once did I ever bring misery on the group in that context, most of my “offloading” would be via message/ on the group chat, for instance “oh great another sleepless night, what am I doing wrong ffs!” Or “I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” it was never very heavy, and I would have always listened if they had the same/ any concerns. in answer to a previous question, yeah I do have other friends, I don’t feel lonely but I felt like I could speak to these people and they understand seeing as they are all first time mums with children the same age, it just felt right? As opposed to speaking to my childhood friend who is very much at a different time in her life and childless etc. they just seemed to fit the bill. We’d often have chats and they would tell me, and we’d tell each other we are always there for a vent and a moan. I guess what I’m saying is I thought these people were decent friends who I could speak to with no judgment as don’t know them super well, but had a good rapport and found them relatable. In answer to another previous question no it doesn’t need a poll haha- I’m new to MN, in fact this is one of my first threads so not very fluent yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:46

Fruttidelbosco · 23/05/2023 20:43

People should be grown up enough to realise how difficult a time you have been having.

Moaning isn’t really the right word for how you may have been talking about your experiences. They should have dug a bit deeper and included you. They may realise this one day.

Don’t reflect on their feedback. Enjoy your baby. New mates will come along.

Thank you for this reply. Moaning/ venting was probably the wrong choice of words. Just chatting with friends is really how it was. There was never any negativity when we went out, always lots of laughter and fun with the babies.

OP posts:

Original poster

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:48

I think a lot of people have misunderstood what I mean. In no way did I expect to meet up with these girls and be met with therapists. It would be the occasional message on the group chat like “ah I’m really struggling today”! I don’t think face to face I ever approached the feelings with them, it would always be via message/ on the GC.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 23/05/2023 20:49

Sounds like you’ve had a really hard time OP, and I’m really sorry to hear that.

It sounds like inadvertently, you’ve ended up using them too much as support and therapy for you, rather than having a mutually supportive relationship, with light hearted times also thrown in. It can be hard if you want a bit of light relief and it turns into some one’s therapy session.

Its really rubbish for you - and it sounds like it was very hurtful - but it’s what life is like unfortunately

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