Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sneaky mums

157 replies

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:03

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 23:24

Kanaloa · 23/05/2023 23:22

It’s the same for everyone though. Everyone is dealing with things, and you don’t know what. Generally people don’t have an endless reserve to answer other people’s problems. OP feels what she was saying wasn’t heavy, but it was heavy.

Realistically you need to accept that other people have boundaries. They’re not there to ‘support and help’ you. Close friends may be able to support you on a reciprocal basis, but NCT group mums who you’ve become friendly with can’t act as a support service for you.

Show quote history

But it wasn’t heavy in comparison to what they were speaking about themselves… if I was the only one ever saying that stuff then yes of course, but like I’ve said that was not the case. Kindness goes a long way.

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:24

@Catguru if it helps we had a Amanda in our NCT group who literally tried to freeze out another mum because she said she was "bringing the mood down" and all this other mother had said (only one time) she was struggling breast feeding and this Amanda started setting up meetings and purposely excluding her 😵‍💫 certainly eye opening. I think most of us recognised it was just a power play, something she did because it made her feel big.

Honestly op though some people will bend over backwards to justify bad behaviour and not take accountability of their own.

You weren't the wrong shape, they just weren't a group you would be happy in. And speaking from one person who's just managed to escape one of these dreaded groups, some maybe in the group thinking right fuck this I'm off...

Wait until Dc is 4 seriously ❤️

Some people are just unable or unwilling to be honest with themselves or others.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 23:26

Kanaloa · 23/05/2023 23:24

And you don’t know people are ‘sitting at home snuggling their healthy newborn.’ In my case I would have been dealing with serious family issues, plus raising my older kids, one of whom has SEN, plus worrying about money. I had no extra energy to reply to a casual friend’s constant anxieties and worries.

i think attending weddings, seeing each other weekly, chatting daily and planning breaks away constitutes more as casual friends but ok sure.

OP posts:
Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:26

Wow. I CANNOT believe the responses here.

First of all OP I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth and then a traumatic time post delivery.

I had a traumatic birth and then got psychosis afterwards and was separated from my DS one week after he was born and then spent his age 2-6 weeks in a specialist mother and baby unit for mental health issues post birth.

Whatever happened to women being kind to other women?

My DS is now 9 weeks and was born in March so this all very recent for me.

I posted in my NCT group about what was going on for me because I needed the support. At the time I got very positive responses but I agree with the person who wrote that people in these new mum groups don't like the tone getting too scary and may want to avoid "serious chats".

I think it's complete BS. We should all be honest about how hard it is being a new mum. I've really struggled even though having Bipolar I knew I would and was told repeatedly I was more at risk.

It doesn't matter what your situation is, being kind to someone who is expressing they are struggling is always better than calling them a "moaner". Tbh these women sound awful. I'm fiery so would have lost my shit but probably snapped at their seemingly fakeness earlier on.

My situation is a I DM'd the three mums from our NCT main group to say I wasn't feeling the "vibe" of the main group, all positive everything is 10/10 rainbows bla bla expensive toys prams venues for meet ups and those three totally got it.

I know myself that 1/1s are better for me right now because I'm sensitive, loving being a mum but very fragile.

In your case you clearly had a lot of trauma and if these women didn't want to hear your story or support then they aren't worth your time.

Age is a number. I'm 32 but would have loved to have you in my group or even have met you locally to get support about traumatic births.

To all the people who replied to the OPs post unkindly please go and jump in a lake! :)

mrlistersgelfbride · 23/05/2023 23:27

Sorry for what you've been through OP.
There's a reason I chose not to do NCT. I thought despite the benefits, it would be full of cliques and bitchiness- meaning no offense to anyone.

I think you were expecting too much of these women , honestly. They aren't therapists. I feel for you as I had a difficult first year with DD and hurrendous PND and I know everyone -especially new mums- need someone to rant to who they can trust. I'm not sure I was a barrell of laughs to be around in those days, and , very gently- perhaps you weren't either. These women are not right to be your friends, let them go. Don't message again. You don't need to worry about it or see it as a personal attack- easier said than done I know.

Give yourself time, and get out there when you feel ready. You will meet other mums in time. Have you got a close friend/family member you can trust, to talk to in the meantime?

nettie434 · 23/05/2023 23:27

Your post reminded me of my friend's experience, catguru. Tragically, her baby died when he was 6 weeks. A few months later she was talking to one of her NCT 'friends' over the phone who mentioned they were all having a meet up. My friend asked if she could go and was told no because it would 'upset them too much'.

As others say, you will make other friends. They reacted badly because they realised they had behaved hurtfully.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:28

Inkypot · 23/05/2023 23:19

@Catguru if you're watching Motherland I also recommend watching Pramface on bbc3. It's another nice easy to watch series on pregnancy/mum life that made me feel like I wasn't crazy 💗

Ohhh I know this wasn't directed at me but thank you !! I needed a decent tv series to watch !

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 23:30

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:26

Wow. I CANNOT believe the responses here.

First of all OP I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth and then a traumatic time post delivery.

I had a traumatic birth and then got psychosis afterwards and was separated from my DS one week after he was born and then spent his age 2-6 weeks in a specialist mother and baby unit for mental health issues post birth.

Whatever happened to women being kind to other women?

My DS is now 9 weeks and was born in March so this all very recent for me.

I posted in my NCT group about what was going on for me because I needed the support. At the time I got very positive responses but I agree with the person who wrote that people in these new mum groups don't like the tone getting too scary and may want to avoid "serious chats".

I think it's complete BS. We should all be honest about how hard it is being a new mum. I've really struggled even though having Bipolar I knew I would and was told repeatedly I was more at risk.

It doesn't matter what your situation is, being kind to someone who is expressing they are struggling is always better than calling them a "moaner". Tbh these women sound awful. I'm fiery so would have lost my shit but probably snapped at their seemingly fakeness earlier on.

My situation is a I DM'd the three mums from our NCT main group to say I wasn't feeling the "vibe" of the main group, all positive everything is 10/10 rainbows bla bla expensive toys prams venues for meet ups and those three totally got it.

I know myself that 1/1s are better for me right now because I'm sensitive, loving being a mum but very fragile.

In your case you clearly had a lot of trauma and if these women didn't want to hear your story or support then they aren't worth your time.

Age is a number. I'm 32 but would have loved to have you in my group or even have met you locally to get support about traumatic births.

To all the people who replied to the OPs post unkindly please go and jump in a lake! :)

Thank you for your comment. I really hope you are doing ok. X

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:31

@Battenbergcoconutice for that last sentence alone in your post.

I wish you had been in NCT group. You sound fab ❤️

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:31

You have completely misunderstood OPs post and background story. Nice one 😂

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:33

Haha I'm a character that's for sure! Never a dull moment ;) I was the only one drinking a prosecco at our first mum meet up...

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 23:35

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:31

You have completely misunderstood OPs post and background story. Nice one 😂

i think many people have 😂

OP posts:
candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:36

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:31

You have completely misunderstood OPs post and background story. Nice one 😂

Ahh I was being genuine (I have asd) sorry I wasn't being sarcastic. Genuinely wish I had met different people in NCT ones who weren't lalala isn't everything rosy every single day with a newborn.

All the ones at my NCT acted like they had just birthed the next genius who is speaking French aged 0 (or maybe they were just sniffing glue and I missed it 😅)

User1367349 · 23/05/2023 23:37

I think we need an alternative NCT rejects group @Catguru, @Battenbergcoconutice, @candlesflamesandbrooms and some of the others. 😊

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 23:38

User1367349 · 23/05/2023 23:37

I think we need an alternative NCT rejects group @Catguru, @Battenbergcoconutice, @candlesflamesandbrooms and some of the others. 😊

Definitely lol!

OP posts:
Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:38

candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:36

Ahh I was being genuine (I have asd) sorry I wasn't being sarcastic. Genuinely wish I had met different people in NCT ones who weren't lalala isn't everything rosy every single day with a newborn.

All the ones at my NCT acted like they had just birthed the next genius who is speaking French aged 0 (or maybe they were just sniffing glue and I missed it 😅)

Show quote history

Omg I know sorry I PMd you after I realised I didn't use quotes so it looked like I was replying to you! Thanks for your lovely comment! My other comment was for the one before my response where she called OP "casual friend" gosh what am I like making a mess all over this thread 😂

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:40

Hahaha omg please yes! How do we start it? Pm each other WhatsApp details? I usually turn how dreadful things feel / are into comedy situation anyway.... That's the problem with these stiff upper lip groups ...

chicosmommy · 23/05/2023 23:42

It is horrible to be on the receiving end of this. However, I had a friend once who, after the birth of her child, did nothing only complain, look for reassurance from me, constantly tell me I was a "great support" etc. It was so draining as everyone has their own life problems. Every time we met for coffee I had to listen to her traumas/trials & tribulations. It got extremely wearing and draining. I felt like she sucked the life out of me.
I'm not saying you're like this OP. I don't know you at all and I can't say what you've been offloading to these women. I was in NCT and there comes a point where all the baby stuff becomes more background and the fun, coffee and a few wines becomes more the norm. Perhaps you thought you were joining something a little different and maybe because your expectation was different to the others, you didn't evolve at the same speed? Just from my own experience, thats the way things went in my NCT.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 23:42

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:26

Wow. I CANNOT believe the responses here.

First of all OP I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth and then a traumatic time post delivery.

I had a traumatic birth and then got psychosis afterwards and was separated from my DS one week after he was born and then spent his age 2-6 weeks in a specialist mother and baby unit for mental health issues post birth.

Whatever happened to women being kind to other women?

My DS is now 9 weeks and was born in March so this all very recent for me.

I posted in my NCT group about what was going on for me because I needed the support. At the time I got very positive responses but I agree with the person who wrote that people in these new mum groups don't like the tone getting too scary and may want to avoid "serious chats".

I think it's complete BS. We should all be honest about how hard it is being a new mum. I've really struggled even though having Bipolar I knew I would and was told repeatedly I was more at risk.

It doesn't matter what your situation is, being kind to someone who is expressing they are struggling is always better than calling them a "moaner". Tbh these women sound awful. I'm fiery so would have lost my shit but probably snapped at their seemingly fakeness earlier on.

My situation is a I DM'd the three mums from our NCT main group to say I wasn't feeling the "vibe" of the main group, all positive everything is 10/10 rainbows bla bla expensive toys prams venues for meet ups and those three totally got it.

I know myself that 1/1s are better for me right now because I'm sensitive, loving being a mum but very fragile.

In your case you clearly had a lot of trauma and if these women didn't want to hear your story or support then they aren't worth your time.

Age is a number. I'm 32 but would have loved to have you in my group or even have met you locally to get support about traumatic births.

To all the people who replied to the OPs post unkindly please go and jump in a lake! :)

What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries. Also the OP made the story public and asked for opinions.

NCT groups are a bizarre concept to me anyway. Why would I want to be true friends with someone solely because she is a woman, happens to live close to me and has had a baby at the same time?

Littlelovebug · 23/05/2023 23:43

Sorry OP.

It's them not you. Don't need friends like them!!

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:45

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 23:42

What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries. Also the OP made the story public and asked for opinions.

NCT groups are a bizarre concept to me anyway. Why would I want to be true friends with someone solely because she is a woman, happens to live close to me and has had a baby at the same time?

Show quote history

Because women are the only people who give birth because we have vaginas? And therefore have something major in common? 😂cannot believe you want to turn this into a gender discussion, go find the sex and gender thread if you want to start putting up the pistols for this wingy old tune... Jeeeeez #boring

EasterBreak · 23/05/2023 23:46

It sounds like you may have put a lot on them, when they just wanted a chat and relax.

candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:50

@Avondale89

"What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries."

I mean we should try to treat another humans with kindness where we can, the world is shitty enough without adding to it. That's nothing to do with gender. Sure it's not a requirement but personally just because you can be a asshole doesn't mean you should actually be a asshole (as the saying goes)

The group are allowed to say no not for me, but they didn't actually say anything to op and that cowardess .
People can set boundaries but usually they voice them, not set up secret meetings and don't own those boundaries.

If they had the confidence to discuss op badly to one another (obviously to set up the meeting)then they should have the same confidence to say it to OPs face.
But some people lack a spine...

Battenbergcoconutice · 23/05/2023 23:56

candlesflamesandbrooms · 23/05/2023 23:50

@Avondale89

"What is this bizarre idea that women need to be nice to other women, solely based on gender? It’s so strange to me. People don’t owe you anything just because you both happen to be women they have a right to set their own boundaries."

I mean we should try to treat another humans with kindness where we can, the world is shitty enough without adding to it. That's nothing to do with gender. Sure it's not a requirement but personally just because you can be a asshole doesn't mean you should actually be a asshole (as the saying goes)

The group are allowed to say no not for me, but they didn't actually say anything to op and that cowardess .
People can set boundaries but usually they voice them, not set up secret meetings and don't own those boundaries.

If they had the confidence to discuss op badly to one another (obviously to set up the meeting)then they should have the same confidence to say it to OPs face.
But some people lack a spine...

Well said. Negative nancies on this thread giving me a headache, all the best @candlesflamesandbrooms and to you @Catguru, you sound great too good for those NCT lot anyway! 😀

Multiplemum123 · 24/05/2023 00:48

Sorry this happened to you.

Try & see this as dodging a bullet instead of a loss. These woman sound like they are not authentic people. If they exclude you like this then I’m sure someone else will be next soon enough.

Try not to dwell on them & be glad they showed who they are. Join other groups & keep being you.