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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sneaky mums

157 replies

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:03

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 23/05/2023 20:49

NCT is great for the start, but a year on people start drifting apart as they go back to work. I became close "proper" friends with 2 of my NCT group, and the others I still see every so often and have a chat, but am no longer true friends with.

Importantly though OP, it is NOT their job to support you. As someone who also suffers badly from anxiety, and meant in the kindest way, you need to find a way of managing your mental health so it doesn't impact on those around you. A therapist can help you learn techniques to lessen the feelings. At least they were honest and you seem to accept you do lean on them heavily. You might be able to resurrect the relationship by sending a message to all mentioning your anxiety, explaining you are seeking help professionally and suggesting a fun meet up for the babies (no moaning allowed). It is worth a shot if you like them all.

MrsMikeDrop · 23/05/2023 20:50

AndTheSurveySays · 23/05/2023 20:16

No one likes a moaner.

Sorry, but this. You have to be conscious of it as you becoming draining to others. Who wants to be around someone negative all the time?

Crimblecrumble1990 · 23/05/2023 20:51

Like others, this is the line that stood out to me:

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.*
*
It certainly isn't their job to do that. Definitely provide a listening ear occasionally and check in to ask if you are ok etc. but generally groups of new mum friends are a superficial way of staying connected with people, moaning about lack of sleep and getting tips about weaning etc. Then closer friendships might develop after that.

That must have been horrible for you OP, both your little ones start in life and seeing them all meeting up without you. Obviously none of us were there to see your previous interactions but, kindly, it does seem maybe you were leaning too heavily on them.

YellowHatt · 23/05/2023 20:51

Or “I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” it was never very heavy
On the contrary OP, that sounds immensely heavy to me. Not being harsh in any way, just giving you another perspective.

and I would have always listened if they had the same/ any concerns.
But they didn’t lean on you in the same way you leant on them? That’s the difference. The relationship became unequal.

You would like you have good friends elsewhere.

riotlady · 23/05/2023 20:52

I have to be totally honest, I’m not sure I would know what to say if a casual friend announced “I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” in a group chat. I would do my best to be supportive, but that’s more the sort of conversation I’d expect to be having in person with one of my best friends.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:53

would just like to clarify again, my DC is actually over a year and half so my mat leave is over. During our year off we all hung out at least once a week going to classes or other fun activities. We met through NCT but it became slightly more than that, even attended one of theirs weddings and was planning on inviting them to mine before all of this. I think people have misunderstood this to be a general NCT group but we had split off from the main group, made our own little friendship group due to geographical location and it seemed to blossom.

OP posts:
CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 23/05/2023 20:54

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:19

Even as first time mums when the whole point of these groups is to provide support/ friends for support? I spent the first 2 months of my DC life in high dependency in a tertiary level hospital, we thought we were going to lose him- it’s given me major health anxiety. I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

But they aren't counsellors or therapists! You can't use people to sound off at about all your issues, you don't know what they are going through themselves.

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 20:55

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:19

Even as first time mums when the whole point of these groups is to provide support/ friends for support? I spent the first 2 months of my DC life in high dependency in a tertiary level hospital, we thought we were going to lose him- it’s given me major health anxiety. I thought these girls were here to reassure and help me.

Perhaps they are tired of hearing about your constant issues and moaning, they are not counsellors, it's a meet up to relax, I am sorry you are struggling but perhaps you may need some extra support from professionals not a bunch of mums who are drained listening to you.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:56

A few people have mentioned that at least they messaged me, no. I had to message them first and ask what I did wrong… only got a reply out of 2 of the 3 which was hostile to say the least. The third one I still haven’t heard a thing from.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 23/05/2023 20:56

“I’m really worried about the future due to what I know about my DC health” it was never very heavy

“ah I’m really struggling today”!

Honestly stuff like that is heavy. Look we don’t actually know the extent to which you’re saying these things, but you’ve had people voice that it’s too much. It’s your choice as to whether you want to reflect on that or not.

There’s a girl in my antenatal whatsapp group and honestly I tune her out and don’t actively seek to see her in person. I’ve not voiced it to anyone else so I don’t know if I’m the only one but the health anxiety is so intense and so draining. It’s just too much for me.

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 20:57

Most NCT groups go this way op. They become competitive, mean and tribal. They are not friends, you just happened to have a baby at the same time.

Any decent person would not have agreed to be so unkind and meet without you.

Drop then immediately without a single word, and let them wrestle with their consciences. You might find a few come to you to apologise. It will implode in its own time, at least this way you can invest your time in real friendships.

catsnore · 23/05/2023 20:57

These groups are a bit artificial, tho, aren't they? Just a bunch of strangers chucked together because you all happened to have babies at roughly the same time. They were a good source of support when you needed it but now they feel the need to move on? It's awful they didn't include you tho, and very hurtful to discover it like that.

If it makes you feel any better, I met a lovely woman through a baby group and we supported each other through many things for the first six months of our baby's lives. We had a lot in common and it felt like we really clicked, we'd message almost daily etc. She then went back to work and I hardly saw her again, then she moved and completely cut contact with everyone from the baby group. I thought we'd be friends for ages and our kids would meet for play dates and stuff.

Ah well. Some people come and go from your life and serve a purpose at the time. You need new baby friends now - start doing other baby stuff/groups and try and find your people x

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:58

Yes I have totally cut ties with them. Their silence mixed with hostile and quite frankly rude replies was the icing on the cake.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 23/05/2023 20:58

Why would they be there to reassure you?? Why would you expect that??

I know it's tough but friendships are give and take

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:59

coxesorangepippin · 23/05/2023 20:58

Why would they be there to reassure you?? Why would you expect that??

I know it's tough but friendships are give and take

Because they had said multiple times there are always there to listen, reassure and help me in any way they can. And actively encouraged me to speak about my worries.

OP posts:
SummerHouse · 23/05/2023 20:59

They are fucking arseholes.

I was in a group where self appointed leader said "Let's not invite X. X talks about herself too much." Everyone agreed. I ditched the lot of them. No regrets. I have my people. You will find your people. Don't settle for arseholes like this.

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 21:00

Catguru · 23/05/2023 20:58

Yes I have totally cut ties with them. Their silence mixed with hostile and quite frankly rude replies was the icing on the cake.

This is the way to go. In hindsight, you might look back and see the intensity of this stage and the struggles.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 21:01

I totally get what people are saying. No they aren’t therapists and they’re to sit and listen to my concerns as so many of you have pointed out. But surely saying something to me first and letting me know I’m “draining” is much better than purposely excluding someone. Being a young first time mum is tough, I looked up to them a bit. I shouldn’t have.

OP posts:
dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 23/05/2023 21:03

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 20:57

Most NCT groups go this way op. They become competitive, mean and tribal. They are not friends, you just happened to have a baby at the same time.

Any decent person would not have agreed to be so unkind and meet without you.

Drop then immediately without a single word, and let them wrestle with their consciences. You might find a few come to you to apologise. It will implode in its own time, at least this way you can invest your time in real friendships.

THIS!

My NCT group did something similar. I never asked why they did it.

But then, who fucking cares? It's a nasty thing to do.

Wildlyboring · 23/05/2023 21:03

Ah OP they sound unkind and bitchy, much like a good few on this thread. Cut ties and move on, life's too short for sneaky fair weather friends.

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:05

I apologise for my other post OP, just rest your update and like others thought the same. Hopefully you calling them out will make them think before treating you like that again.

Weallgottachangesometime · 23/05/2023 21:09

I think things like NCT groups can have really odd dynamics, because you’re thrown together with a random bunch of people. it’s almost impossible for a group randomly thrown together to stay working over the long term…I think it’s fairly normal for things to drift and for some people to connect more than others, although maybe it’s not usually as dramatic this. Also often groups like this have odd hierarchies with Someone almost running them or becoming dominant. That can sometimes affect relationships.

I do think it might be worth being mindful of how you vent and share frustration. I had PPD after my daughter and I lost a couple of friends around that time. I think that’s because I was very negative a lot when we met up. I also think a group of other mums, who are probably also struggling with lack of sleep etc, aren’t going to have the best resilience to be there for someone else.

As for your comments about if it’ll affect you child’s friendships. It won’t make a difference, once they get older they’re friends with who they’re friends with.

If I were you I’d write them off. Be mindful of mixing up the sharing of woes with being more positive and put focus on to other friendships and social opportunities.

Original poster
Catguru · 23/05/2023 21:09

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:05

I apologise for my other post OP, just rest your update and like others thought the same. Hopefully you calling them out will make them think before treating you like that again.

Thank you for your reply. I maybe should have been a bit clearer in my original post. I hasn’t heard anything from them until I messaged first and I think if I hadn’t of texted, there would have been no further communication. I said my piece which included a few “I’m sorry if I came across as too much etc” but again nothing more has been said. I maybe shouldn’t have mentioned these were NCT friends either as I really did see it as more then that, like I said we went to a wedding, they were on the guest list for mine and we were also discussing a UK break all together. Also enjoyed many baby free nights out which I must add only included fun and happiness!!

OP posts:
DMLady · 23/05/2023 21:11

I feel you’re getting a hard time on here, OP. But I can understand where you’re coming from — and I’d be hurt too. It doesn’t mean it’s you though — perhaps they just clicked in a way you & they haven’t (which could be for all kinds of reasons). It’s also possible that they’re just not very nice/understanding and you’re better off without them…

EllandRd · 23/05/2023 21:12

Best of without them, surround yourself with people want to be with you, you will meet lots of new friends at play groups etc,