Sneaky mums

[Catguru]

I don’t want to be too outing here so NC. I have a 1 year old DC and met a group of mums at NCT in pregnancy, we got on really well although I always felt like a bit of an odd one out (me and my partner had our DC unplanned, had been together the least amount of time and I am the youngest).

During mat leave we all met up very frequently and had a group chat going which was always very active. I struggled a lot in the early days and had a traumatic birth and found the group of new friends priceless as I had no other mum friends who I could speak to about my worries and anxieties, I really thought I’d hit the jackpot with friends here.

fast forward a year and me and my DC have walked into a cafe and have seen them all sat there laughing and joking…. I approached them and was met with awkwardness, stuttering and just sheer embarrassment. It was clear they had planned behind my back and left me out. When questioning them later it turns out they’ve basically said I moan about my problems too much.

is this really my fault? Have I been unlucky and met a group of horrible women? Is my DC going to loose friends in the future because of me and my ways?

So sorry similar has happened to you.

in answer to someone’s previous question, I’m 25. Fell pregnant at 23. All of the others are 32+ with the eldest being 35.

Yanbu they don’t sound like a nice, kind group of people. There really is no reason to exclude someone from an NCT group especially knowing they’ve been through such a traumatic time. Such a cliquey thing to do.

Are there any coffee morning type groups for mums that have been through a similar experience? E.g a NICU mums group you could go to?

Some people might make friends for life through NCT but for a lot of others they are just situational friends. When your dc start school and nursery you’ll get to know more parents then!

I’d be trying to look at it from a different perspective.

The only thing you have in common with these women is the fact you have children. That’s it. It’s better for this to have happened now, as hurtful as it is, rather than you invest more of your time and energy into these friendships which unbeknownst to you were one sided, than find this out in a year, 2 or 3 years time.

Reach out to friends who may not have kids but you personally have a real connection with and have done for a long time. They might not understand what you’ve been through but they’ll understand more about how to support you as a person, as they know the real you.

You can always seek out therapy to support you with aspects your real friends can’t. But I would try to let it go. Realistically their friendships with each other won’t last either. Maybe one or two of them will remain friends because they’ve clicked on a deeper level, but I highly doubt that group will still be meeting up in its entirety in 5 years time.

It’s exactly like a PP said about it being like work colleagues. I’ve worked with hundreds of people over the years. I’ve had periods of being really close with many. But out of all my colleagues, only 2 have remained in my close friend circle. We only had work in common when it came down to it, so when one of us left, there was nothing to keep the friendship going. It died out.

You will meet new people, but I’d really focus on those friends who you have known for years and really trust. They will support you more than any of these women ever could.

Personally, I think you need to give yourself a little celebration that your little son came through! Well done. Make a list of all the things you have to be happy about, headed by the fact you have a lovely little son. xxx

How horribly unkind and immature they sound. These groups are supposed to be somewhere that you can feel supported. The reply that you received from them just seems incredibly and unnecessarily mean. I’d be very surprised if it’s true. It’s not popular on MN to call envy but I do suspect they (or at least some of them) may be envious of you for some reason.

I didn’t really enjoy the whole post natal/NCT thing. Much preferred the local baby and toddler groups; great places to meet people so keep socialising.

Rise above this and hold your head high. The trash has a way of taking itself out, as they say. It’s their loss. You’ll make better friends in time.

Ugh sorry OP they sound horrible.
this is why I never did mothers meetings when mine were little, the types of women who go to them are often little b*tches.
I wouldn’t take it personally, they’re just nasty and unsupportive and were never your real friends.

NCT groups and what'sup groups are literally where personalities go to die because it's a pressure cooker. The relationships can seem extra special but actually it's the transition into motherhood that's special. Not these turnips.

If they didn't like you, they could have been adult about it and said something. If you were that bad and "moany" someone could have said hey can we keep this more light hearted ect. Before anyone @ me not saying anything creates more drama than saying something. If your brave enough to exclude someone your brave enough to say why. It's not the behaviour you would typically see in fully fledged adults.

You had a baby at the same time, their words and actions are more a reflection on their character , than yours.

I know it stings now but I promise you by the time your child's 4, your Dc will have lots of friends and these people probably won't talk. Don't worry about people who get their ego stroked by excluding another human and not having the balls to at least tell the person.

If you need a laugh the tv series motherland is amazing !

I think it must be really hard and upsetting for you, but I can see their point. To me NCT or baby group friends are more friendly acquaintances. If they messaged me things like ‘I’m really worried for DS future because of health anxiety’ and ‘another sleepless night ffs’ I wouldn’t know what to say really. I’d feel awkward, and it would bring my mood down if I’m honest. For a close friend I’ll accept it and support them when necessary, but sometimes I think people expect too much from other people. Most of us are just trying to support ourselves and our own mental health and don’t have an endless well of support for other people.

You have my 100% sympathy, OP. NCT is a weird thing because there is an expectation you will all be super close best friends forever and you go through this intense life experience at the same time, but sometimes that’s all you have in common and sometimes it
just doesn’t work out. Maybe you had too high an expectation of the friendship given you hadn’t known them very long, but seeing everything you went through I don’t blame you. I would have been very upset if that happened to me.

Did you not read my updates? I stated we actually got very close and would have considered us friends. This way of speaking wasn’t out of the ordinary for other members of the group too. I was not the only one to speak like that.

Sorry you’ve had such a hard time OP. Ignore people calling you a moaner or any such thing - they are unhelpful and ignorant as they don’t know anything about you! As for your alleged friends forget them, they aren’t worth your time.

I honestly can't get my head round how uncaring they all are after what you went through.

If you value their friendship, take what they said and use it to grow. You could say yes I was going through the mill it's been a real trial but we're out of it now. Thanks for being honest. See what happens. Some women are bitchy and women sheep look up to them. Maybe you found a group with one or two bitches and a flock of sheep which is why you were met with squeaky bums rather than sugar sweet f-off vibes.

Sorry you've had such a poor experience, I really feel for you.
I had a lot of birth trauma resulting in ptsd after my first baby and I had similar experiences to what you've described. I know how devastating it felt to be left out by people I thought were friends.
Please don't let your thoughts run away with you. Your child will not lose friends because of you, of course he won't. He will find plenty of friends in his next few years through preschool activities, nursery, school etc
You will also find friends through those things and this will all be a distant memory.
Do seek support for your own trauma though if you feel it might help. Some things need proper support like counselling rather than just unloading to friends.
Good luck ❤️❤️

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. My NCT group was exactly the same at the beginning - it was a lifesaver. We would text each other in the middle of the night to moan about being awake and would discuss all our struggles - it felt like a very strong bond. That's the whole point of it - to go through the experience as a first-time parent with people who are in exactly the same situation as you. But that feeling can fade with time and circumstances unfortunately. And if there is a ring-leader in your group who has decided you don't fit the bill anymore, it may be that that's why things have soured. Try not to take it to heart, although I know it's hard. I only see one of the other mothers from my NCT group now - we were all very different people who were brought together for a purpose, but who drifted apart once we found our feet and didn't need each other anymore. I made a new group of mum friends through baby groups and we see each other a lot and have much more in common. Hope things work out for you too.

This is exactly what I wish someone had said to me those first few years!

Very upsetting. Still loads of people move areas after having first we did as did most of my nct group so we scattered to the four winds. Parenting a long game there are lots of other ways to meet more like minded parents.

I agree, they are all outspoken enough to pull me up on it and speak openly! I love motherland, May have to rewatch it!

I did read your updates. But I still think friends you meet at NCT type groups generally just want a light hearted relationship. I know you say you didn’t moan more than anyone else and maybe you didn’t, but it seems like they think or feel that you did. Sometimes I think when people get into a negative spiral they can struggle to see how negative they are.

@Catguru if you're watching Motherland I also recommend watching Pramface on bbc3. It's another nice easy to watch series on pregnancy/mum life that made me feel like I wasn't crazy 💗

And sometimes people have a fuck-ton more shit to deal with that others at any given time. If someone I was friends with had a baby in NiCU for 2 months, the very least I could do would be to give a bit of sympathy. Especially if I was sitting at home snuggling my healthy newborn.

I really think this is what happened. I mentioned at the beginning of the thread that I always felt like a little bit of an outsider and was maybe a bit shyer than the other mums (still reasonably confident but they were big characters) and I think my personality didn’t fit what they wanted and of course you can’t say to someone we don’t like you stop hanging round with us haha, so I feel like they latched onto whatever they could to get me out of the group. I must add my partner who is very astute agrees with this.

It’s the same for everyone though. Everyone is dealing with things, and you don’t know what. Generally people don’t have an endless reserve to answer other people’s problems. OP feels what she was saying wasn’t heavy, but it was heavy.

Realistically you need to accept that other people have boundaries. They’re not there to ‘support and help’ you. Close friends may be able to support you on a reciprocal basis, but NCT group mums who you’ve become friendly with can’t act as a support service for you.

I most definitely am/ was not in a negative spiral. I just felt brave enough to say I was struggling and that motherhood isn’t always sunshine and lollipops.

And you don’t know people are ‘sitting at home snuggling their healthy newborn.’ In my case I would have been dealing with serious family issues, plus raising my older kids, one of whom has SEN, plus worrying about money. I had no extra energy to reply to a casual friend’s constant anxieties and worries.