Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

A quick Google of 'importance of a father figure' might give you some interesting reading op.

OP doesn’t say about her relationship with her own family.

Her brothers, cousins, close friends, Dad. She might have a whole host of incredible male role models for a potential son.

FWIW I’m happily married and think my DH is a good Dad, but we have pretty set roles and he’s mostly a provider. We’ve set our lives up accordingly. That in itself is a role model. But if he dropped dead my DS’ have a great relationship with their Uncles, Grandfather and I know my brother especially would take them both under his wing. Yes it would be a loss to them, but not insurmountable IMO.

@Opine Why is the Country where the sperm is sought relevant?

What would be much better is if she stayed with a horrible man for his “male presence”, his special man essence that just by proximity (or just by the mother knowing his name and address at the moment of conception) stops babies from becoming juvenile delinquents, teach her daughters that a person can never ever survive without a man, and go around diagnosing random categories children she hasn’t met (some of whom haven’t even been conceived yet) with irreparable complex trauma. That’s better, right?

FYI if my DCC ever does feel bad about his upbringing it won’t be because of the loving supportive home he grows up in, it will be because of judgemental people who can’t keep their noses and opinions to themselves.

@RedRosette2023 gender selection of embryos is permitted in some places.

@tigger2022 what abusive man? No such person exists and that’s another conversation. I’ve seen the absolute worst of men as a child. I could tell you some toe curling stories about real men not fantasy ones that you pluck out of your mind for the sake of an argument.

Id NEVER dream on commenting on your family set up unless of course you ASKED a forum.

*on a forum

Sex selection is illegal in the UK for good reason

As I posted before - I’m a survivor of CSA and SA. I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years of my life. I was then SA by another man shortly after. My father and brother are abusive. How dare you call my trauma imaginary, while you so casually diagnose random children with it? For many people a male presence, a male influence, is not always a good one. In many cases it is a net negative. You also believe single mothers should opt for sex selection because you think mothers shouldn’t raise sons alone??? All this is so regressive. My son is not being taught how to hit, control, belittle, r__e, mock, or be served by women. He is being raised to look up to women, to admire us, to love us, to respect us.

Do you even hear yourself?

The imaginary man is the one whom is best not included in your Childs life because he MAY and toxic. He is problematic just by default. I’m not getting into abuse tit for tat. Don’t assume anything about me because I don’t despise men.

OP has said several times that men are essentially defunct. No male child can benefit from hearing that. We’re talking about OP not you in any case. She doesn’t like men so she couldn’t healthily raise one. Do you dispute that?

@Opine I think you're misunderstanding the male / only a penis thing. It's that "men " literally are only that - aside from the penis they are just regular humans with qualities/interests/skills that are as accessible to women as they are men. therefore having a specific MALE father presence in a child's life is not the important factor. it's being surrounded by family members / friends who are going to being the rest of those qualities.

Of course she can healthily raise a son. He wouldn’t be learning all of the same patterns of behaviour. Many women experience men that through their own free will choose to be horrible or abusive or just generally useless - it’s their choice to behave that way - but the idea that it’s the women who survive that, and through surviving it learn that we really don’t need men to survive or raise children - that we’re the problem o_O. Nope, the fact sons can be raised into good men much easier without the current batch of men’s influence says a lot about them, not us.

@Opine and if I'm missing something, which i totally might be, please do share anything you can pinpoint that your father has brought to your life specifically and only because he is your father/male.

I always - theoretically - felt this is what I would do had DH and split up between DC1 and DC2 (which we didnt' so remained theoretical). I think it's probably quite tough witout a support network though, one kid is one thing, but two is a different ball game and it can be tricky to manage with only one parent.

How's about this? No doubt it'll be rejected by the brigade that think fathers and mothers play exactly the same role in the household and as such, their roles can be adopted by either (they can't)

And also this: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/1068316X.2020.1774589

https://www.pediatricsoffranklin.com/resources-and-education/pediatric-care/the-importance-of-a-father-in-a-childs-life/

We have a very dismissive outlook of the role of fathers in society. We don't value men in the household and instead, reinforce the belief that men are useless and scratch our heads when they act as such.

So many women on this thread seem to really not understand that being forced to raise a child without a father due to bereavement or the father not being optimal (to put it mildly) and having to do your best to work around those circumstances is not remotely the same as purposely choosing the less than stellar circumstance and pretending it's perfect.

Why would anyone knowingly choose that for a child knowing that it could have a lasting and damaging impact on the child further down the line and then have the nerve to claim their decision is anything but selfish?

There's a bloody good reason why, when you see teenagers (typically boys) acting in criminal and anti-social fashion there's a trend to guess that they're fatherless. Because most of the time, they are.

@CleverLilViper reading the links you've just posted, but it literally just points towards having positive male role models. I don't read anything in there that wouldn't be achievable from a strong relationship with OPs brother for example

There the dismissal begins.

It doesn't point towards having positive male role models. Did you miss the numerous times it said "father."

Is OP's brother, i.e. the uncle going to reside or be present regularly enough in the child's life to actually provide all of that in a meaningful amount?

Like gay couples who use surrogates on here (which most people are against 🤔). You don't NEED an actual woman to have a baby, you just hire the womb and an egg. Everyone agrees right? Babies don't need a mother? Just some female influences around them?

@CleverLilViper the word Father is used yes and then read what it says he provides.. and the word becomes irrelevant. its the delivery of the function/role/support that is the benefit.

@LuckyAmy1986 I don't believe for a second you see sperm donation in exactly the same way as surrogacy

Well I don't think you should reduce the person who will be literally half your child's DNA FFS to just some 'sperm for sale' do you?

Firstly, the role of an uncle/grandfather/older brother or other male role model is not the same as the role of a father. They are separate and distinct roles.

Secondly, unless they live in the household (which is doubtful) or are around sufficiently, they're not going to provide those things in meaningful amounts.

Thirdly, would you say the same about the role of a mother? That the role of a mother can simply be substituted by other female figures in the child's life?

If not, why not?

Do we really hold such little value on the role of a father and then want to act surprised when men dip out and act less than stellar?

I’d be concerned about the possibility of your daughter developing a relationship with her dad in the future. Even ten years or more from now it could cause issues with the child who has no dad.
but more than that it’s about the gamble you’re taking with your daughters current life. She currently has the absolute best of you. You’re not a sleep deprived exhausted single mum dealing with a younger child who for many reasons could demand so much more of your time, effort and money than she does. But that’s what you may become.
of course you could have a completely easy, healthy, happy second child who slots right in but there’s no escaping the fact that it’s a gamble.