Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

268 replies

Ostryga · 23/05/2023 19:42

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

OP posts:
HamBone · 24/05/2023 13:17

Haven’t RTFT. I’m sure you would provide a stable and loving home for both our children, but you’ll definitely be stretched time-wise with two children. How do you currently organize childcare? Do you currently rely on other family members/ supportive adults, e.g., grandparents? If you do, you should also consider the realities of asking them to continue as they get older.

I’m only mentioning this as the single parents I know IRL do rely heavily on family members for support, it’s difficult to do everything yourself.

HamBone · 24/05/2023 13:17

*your

elgreco · 24/05/2023 13:29

I wouldn't, a 7 year gap too large for a close relationship when they are young, yet too close for your older child to be independent. You not only would have to bring the baby to all your older child's activities. You will have to bring a 7yo to (say) hospital if the younger one is ill. Its really difficult if you have no- one to drop either with in the case of emergency or prolonged hospital stay.

Movinalong · 24/05/2023 13:29

I would go for it at your age as still young enough not to worry about disability. You get maternity leave to spend with both children which your daughter wouldn't have otherwise.

There will be lots of other sperm donor children in generation alpha and if they want answers there will be ancestry and other DNA companies when they are an adult.

Finding a compatible partner/stepfather would be more risky at age 35 and it doesn't sound like it's a priority for you anyway

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 13:30

Boomboom22 · 24/05/2023 12:43

Just one point. Sperm donors are the legal father. Not like egg donors or surrogacy. So if something happens to you or if they decide they want to know the child before 18 the courts do look favourably on that. Unlikely to be an issue, sometimes comes up when the sperm donors mother gets ill and wants to know her biological grandchildren etc.

This is not true at all, sperm donors have no legal responsibility

RedRosette2023 · 24/05/2023 13:31

Northernlurker · 24/05/2023 12:05

Pregnancy is inherently risk laden.what's your plan for your child if you end up dead or disabled? It's unlikely but a pregnancy would increase your chances of this happening.
Or the child has a life long disability? You could be removing financial security and your well-being from the equation.
Personally I wouldn't rock your boat.

Isn’t that true for anyone?

Movinalong · 24/05/2023 13:32

Also your daughter is up for it. Some 6 year olds aren't but she is so that's a big plus. Any age gap had plusses and minuses.

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 13:37

I think you have to see this second child as a real person first of all, and not just the vehicle by which you get a baby and DD gets a sibling.

I think it's wrong to deliberately bring a child into the world without half of their family involved. I think it would be extra hard as your DD has a father that she knows, and that difference might lead to a lot of resentment in the future.

It's different with family breakdowns and adoptions as the child wasn't deliberately brought into those circumstances. I think deliberately depriving a child of a father because of your wants and needs is selfish.

PeopleAreShit · 24/05/2023 13:41

People are weird!

i have friends with a similar age gap and it works so amazingly well, better than close in age.

Also the brigade thinking sperm donation and no dad is evil is just bizarre in this day and age

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 13:41

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 13:37

I think you have to see this second child as a real person first of all, and not just the vehicle by which you get a baby and DD gets a sibling.

I think it's wrong to deliberately bring a child into the world without half of their family involved. I think it would be extra hard as your DD has a father that she knows, and that difference might lead to a lot of resentment in the future.

It's different with family breakdowns and adoptions as the child wasn't deliberately brought into those circumstances. I think deliberately depriving a child of a father because of your wants and needs is selfish.

DCC are not “deprived” of a father and they are not missing half their family. This child would have a mother and a sibling and that would be their family. Not all families look the same.

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 13:43

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 13:41

DCC are not “deprived” of a father and they are not missing half their family. This child would have a mother and a sibling and that would be their family. Not all families look the same.

Show quote history

They are though because their father and his family would exist - but not be available to them. So they would be deprived of half of their family. Words have meanings.

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 13:45

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 13:43

They are though because their father and his family would exist - but not be available to them. So they would be deprived of half of their family. Words have meanings.

Show quote history

A sperm donor exists

Coyoacan · 24/05/2023 13:54

A very dear friend of mine was conceived as the result of her mother's affair with a married man and then he died before she was born. So not only did she not get to know her father but she was not able to meet any of his family either. All this really distressed her and took years of therapy to deal with.

Whereas I was not particularly affected by the fact that my parents separated when I was small and my father went to live abroad.

Original poster
Ostryga · 24/05/2023 13:58

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 13:37

I think you have to see this second child as a real person first of all, and not just the vehicle by which you get a baby and DD gets a sibling.

I think it's wrong to deliberately bring a child into the world without half of their family involved. I think it would be extra hard as your DD has a father that she knows, and that difference might lead to a lot of resentment in the future.

It's different with family breakdowns and adoptions as the child wasn't deliberately brought into those circumstances. I think deliberately depriving a child of a father because of your wants and needs is selfish.

I’ve clearly said I know they would be a completely new person, hence why I haven’t just gone ahead and done it.

Dd hasn’t seen her dad for over a year. As I have said shit dads are worse than never having loved someone for them to let you down so badly. I have enough love for an entire family, and I promise you Dd is far better off with just me than her useless dad flitting in and out of her life. The baby would have a whole family - I have a huge circle of friends and family and Dd hasn’t missed out on any fabulous male influence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostryga · 24/05/2023 14:02

Coyoacan · 24/05/2023 13:54

A very dear friend of mine was conceived as the result of her mother's affair with a married man and then he died before she was born. So not only did she not get to know her father but she was not able to meet any of his family either. All this really distressed her and took years of therapy to deal with.

Whereas I was not particularly affected by the fact that my parents separated when I was small and my father went to live abroad.

Well I’m not planning on shagging a married man who then dies so I don’t see how this has any relevance.

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 24/05/2023 14:10

I think the age gap would be too big and would end up effecting DD in a negative way. Even having two parents logistically can be a struggle with things like illness, different school runs, homework, clubs, parties hobbies etc (all x2)

Would you consider adoption so they would be closer in age?

HamBone · 24/05/2023 14:18

I have a huge circle of friends and family and Dd hasn’t missed out on any fabulous male influence.

Would you need their assistance with childcare, etc.?

Coyoacan · 24/05/2023 14:22

My friend's problem was not knowing her father, OP.

Original poster
Ostryga · 24/05/2023 14:42

HamBone · 24/05/2023 14:18

I have a huge circle of friends and family and Dd hasn’t missed out on any fabulous male influence.

Would you need their assistance with childcare, etc.?

No, the only childcare I use is occasional breakfast clubs when I have an early meeting. Dd spends time with my family for enjoyment not so I can work etc.

OP posts:
MrsMiagi · 24/05/2023 14:42

Its interesting you ask what a father could bring to the table.... I take it you didn't have a good father figure yourself to be asking this question?
I can see both sides... my dad chose to leave and my siblings and I had abandonment issues for a long time.
Our mother did an amazing job and we are well rounded adults.
However seeing my brothers as fathers themselves I can definetly see the benefit of a father in a child's life for so so many reasons. However, this doesn't mean a happy healthy well rounded child can't be raised without a father.
I am expecting at 38 and recently remarried but will be honest and say I considered whether adoption would be an option when I was a single parent. Didn't consider donor at the time but I have single friends who are considering this.
I am having a terrible pregnancy and glad I am not doing this alone as I have needed so much help with my child.
Ultimately there is so much to consider.... wish you luck!

Leo227 · 24/05/2023 14:50

@MrsMiagi i have a v good relationship with my father but him being male / specifically my father hasn't played a part in that beyond the initial conception. he could quite easily have been a solid loving heavily involved other family member and I wouldn't have missed out on his input simply because he wasn't named "dad".

azimuth299 · 24/05/2023 15:08

tigger2022 · 24/05/2023 13:45

A sperm donor exists

Show quote history

Yes, exactly. And the donor's family exists. But isn't available. That's what I'm saying.

MrsMiagi · 24/05/2023 15:32

Leo227 · 24/05/2023 14:50

@MrsMiagi i have a v good relationship with my father but him being male / specifically my father hasn't played a part in that beyond the initial conception. he could quite easily have been a solid loving heavily involved other family member and I wouldn't have missed out on his input simply because he wasn't named "dad".

I suppose I see it from the side of someone who didn't have a father. You are fortunate to have a good relationship with yours :)
It sounds like you have made your mind up as you don't see a father being necessary anyway
Doesn't matter what us strangers say, if you can support a second and want to do it then best of luck.

LlynTegid · 24/05/2023 15:42

A daughter without dad in their life is very different in general from a son without one, which a second child could well be. Reality however bad that seems.

Nothing wrong with having just one child.

Original poster
Ostryga · 24/05/2023 18:09

No definitely nothing wrong with having one child! I am very lucky with the daughter I have.

To the poster that asked I’m incredibly close with my dad - no trauma here! But also I don’t want to just find someone to have a baby when the life I currently have works so well. I don’t want to add another adult in. Perhaps that does make me incredibly selfish - I just know it would be easier just me and my kids. One or two of them.

OP posts: