Am I mad to want to have a second child on my own?

[Ostryga]

For context I have a 6yr old that I’ve raised as a single parent since she was born so raising children on my own is very much the norm for me.

I am secure financially, own my home, can afford childcare/take maternity leave.

I’m also 35 so I worry it’s just my hormones telling me I’m running out of time for another baby!

Family is what you make it OP 😊

Yes! Exactly!

I’ve been questioning myself a lot and especially reading through these replies, but I know that my life works for children.

I’m going to book a consultation with the fertility clinic and get the ball rolling I think. Life is short, and I have enough love for 2 children. And whatever anyone else says or thinks I don’t think having me as a mum and no dad is going to end up causing life long trauma.

Thank you to everyone that has given. Their thoughts. It’s been really important to read through it all and given me tons to think about. I do appreciate it a lot.

Good luck! A few of them do open days too x

Children don’t NEED fathers

Oh they do.

I’ll come back in 10 years and prove you wrong x

Susan Golombok's book 'We Are Family' is worth a read

I think it’s the active decision to bring a child into the world without a Dad that doesn’t sit right with some. To be honest it does seem quite selfish and what if you had a boy? Of course they would benefit from having a Father role model in their life.

I think a lot of the posters have been lucky enough to have nice dads, so I’m sure they would see it as a loss to have a sperm donor.

However lots of us haven’t had such a positive experience and don’t share the same view.

If I were you, I would do it.

Why assume any old male influence is better than a boy being brought up in a loving home with a sister and mother?

Why? Most men are shite. And I know that will offend people married to men who insist they are incredible, except they don’t do a single thing for their family except work. How many husbands or fathers of children organise birthday parties, cards, family presents, the cooking, school calendars, play dates, sleepovers, pick their kids up from nursery or school?

I’m going to hazard a guess none of you getting SO upset with me having a baby without a father is because you only have a man that supports YOU, not your children and their lives.

My DH does all that and then some. He’s not unusual either. I know plenty of very loving, efficient fathers whether in relationships of co-parenting.

Men are Shite yet look at you about to need one.

And god forbid you have a son and he has to spend his days listening to how pointless he is.

Your actually coming across incredibly sexist now. Is this the attitude you would have toward your potential future son? “Yeah your shit, all you bring to the table is having a penis?”

The entire point of this thread is that I don’t need one. Yes, sperm for sale, but not an actual man.

It’s you’re.

And also I think I don’t care anymore! Maybe I’ll have women that will endlessly tell me I’m ruining my children’s lives because having a man to be a part of it is so important to them. You cannot deprive your child of their dad!

When actually it’s not deprivation it’s just a different way of having a family, no idea why everyone’s so dang scared of it.

If you can’t raise a family on your own just say that. It’s not down to men.

Sure Jan

Go for it! x

I think you need some counselling to work through your issues before you even consider another child.

In my opinion having a child and purposely depriving them of a father is far worse and far more selfish than a parent who is deficient in organising birthday parties. You seem to have very weird priorities. Anyway lots of fathers do cook, clean, organise things, take a 50 50 role.

There are no different ways of having a family. To have a child requires one man and one woman. The resulting child belongs 50% to each parent. Any situation where they don't have a relationship with their parents has got to be sub optimal. Of course things go wrong, people die, some parents are bad and people manage. That doesn't make it a desirable choice though.

You‘re thinking this over carefully, OP, and if it’s what you want, I’m sure you’ll make a success of it.

I do suspect that you’re under-estimating how stretched time-wise you’ll be when they both have activities, but you’ll manage because you want to.

Why? Most men are shite

Are you also going to choose the sex of your child? Or are you going to tell a little boy what a low opinion you have of men?

Honestly so much nonsense on this thread. Of course a “male role model” isn’t a universal good. Often it’s bad. My creepy incel brother learned to hate women from our dad. My abusive ex who bullied me, assaulted me, controlled me, treated me like staff, is now bullying his daughter and teaching his own son how to treat women. I was assaulted by another man a few years later who now has sons who he will be imparting all his wisdom on. All of those people by the way had their own “male role models” growing up, supposedly stable heterosexual mummies and daddies living together, so your methods are pretty consistently flawed tbh. Boys learn that they are superior and mummy is staff from their dads.

My ds (who is not “deprived” of a father 🙄) is in a happy, loving home. Everyone comments on how happy he always is. Any men he encounters have to be polite to him, because I tell them to. He’s not getting any homophobic or sexist messages. He can play with whatever toys he wants without being mocked. (His amazing “male role model” grandfather did say he looked like a p* when he saw a photo of him in a salmon shirt 🙄). Nobody has ever shouted at him, nobody has ever hurt him, nobody has ever belittled him. The idea any old male influence will do when male influences are often bad (the fact that you have learned a person can’t exist without a man supporting them - what does that tell you?)

The idea that “yes your daddy is called Steve and he’s a plumber but he’s not here because he’s lazy and he just doesn’t like you” would be a nicer story to tell my son than “I like my independence and I didn’t want to have a husband, but I desperately wanted to be your mummy, so a nice man and some doctors helped me have a baby” - I mean, really, which one is leaving you with trauma there

Women can do it all, most women are doing it all without even realising. OP is a brilliant mother to her dd and would be an amazing mother to baby number 2.

Also the whole “reverse sexism” BS, goodness me 🙄

Why do you want a second child?

There are studies out there that show that children need good fathers. Of course, they don’t need shit dads but decent fathers they do need. Depriving them of this by choice is selfish.

You can do what you want and I suspect that you will because you don’t seem all that open to considering the ways this could result in trauma for the potential child and seems to be more about what YOU want.