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Original poster

Friends never host dinner parties

168 replies

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 18:55

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

OP posts:
GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 19:12

Freeloaders, they could easily pay for the takeaways.
Stop inviting them now, and tell them why. Invite new friends that offer reciprocity like normal adults.

identifyingasmrblobbytoday · 23/05/2023 19:16

I hate hosting in my house.

We often invite friends out for dinner and pay though, if people have invited us to theirs.

idliketogetdownnow · 23/05/2023 19:17

Stop inviting them round and just go out to restaurants.

AlyssumandHelianthus · 23/05/2023 19:17

Are you a lot richer than them? Are they skint? Maybe they think you're treating them.
YANBU though.

derekthe1adyhamster · 23/05/2023 19:18

I don't host dinner parties, but quite happy to host evening drinks etc.
Luckily my friends realise this. Why not dial back the catering, seems silly to lose friends over it

Didiplanthis · 23/05/2023 19:20

I would rather walk over hot coals than host a dinner party, but I also hate going to them... I would pay for takeaway in lieu though had I been unable to avoid going and was reciprocating....

Tinkerbyebye · 23/05/2023 19:21

Just book a restaurant each time and go halves

Nodinnernogift · 23/05/2023 19:22

What a pair of tightwads. It's a good thing they've found each other as most people would be repulsed by their attitudes.

We are friends with a couple who we have over for dinner about four times a year too. It's clear they don't like hosting as they keep intending to have us back but haven't done it yet.

The major difference with our situation and yours is if we are out in a restaurant or get a takeaway in ours it nearly ends in an arm wrestle for the bill - they've spent far more on meals out than we have spent on meals out and in combined. They are good friends and very appreciative of our efforts.

unfortunateevents · 23/05/2023 19:24

Why do you continue inviting them? It's obvious that for whatever reason, no return invitation is going to be forthcoming. Either meet them in the pub for a drink or invite them to yours for a takeaway and make it clear before they arrive that their share will be £X.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/05/2023 19:34

Just stop inviting them for dinner? Meet them out and split.

NumberTheory · 23/05/2023 19:40

I suspect, since they’ve never hosted, it just doesn’t occur to them that there’s a cost involved and they should reciprocate. Since it bothers you and if you don’t think other things they do make up for it, stop asking them to dinner parties where you host. Instead, ask them over to “share a takeaway” and split the cost with them.

Lkgcsr · 23/05/2023 19:42

Do you want to stop seeing them as if you say anything you’ll probably find you don’t see them again. Some people aren’t comfortable hosting; in that situation I don’t mind hosting if they bring wine etc (more than they would drink as a host gift) or just do takeaway each time so that it feels even. They aren’t expecting you to host from the sounds of it, I’m assuming you offer

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 23/05/2023 19:44

I won't host in my house. I don't like it.
I always contribute if others do though. My friends are very direct though so will tell me that it's my turn to grab the takeaway or whatever.

CalistoNoSolo · 23/05/2023 19:50

I had friends like this. They would come to me at least once a month, I'd be invited to theirs twice a year if I was lucky. There was some other stuff too that made me back off but the final straw was them inviting my ex-husband for dinner within a month of us splitting up and all I'd been invited to was meeting up for coffee (despite them being 'my' friends and my ex not even liking them very much). We're not friends any more.

YouNeverSeeTheRealMe · 23/05/2023 19:50

I would stop inviting them to the house. Gong halves is fine though.

Quitelikeit · 23/05/2023 19:55

theyve told you their place is a mess

why not keep to eating out?

do they bring wine/ gift when you host?

are they poorer than you

Rainbowqueeen · 23/05/2023 19:56

As it annoys you (which is perfectly valid, it would annoy me too) I’d just go out for meals with them. Otherwise the resentment will build and impact the friendship. You can’t make them host.

Winter2020 · 23/05/2023 19:59

They are tight arses. Yes some people don't like hosting but they reciprocate in other ways. Either accept they are tight as a gnat's ass and laugh about it (privately) or only see them when you will split the bill. E.g. do you fancy checking out the new restaurant. The set menu is £12.95 per person - that OK?

Reading threads on here it seems that there is often a last straw with people like this though - e.g. you ask them to pick up a cheesecake and they ask you for the money! Then you are done.

Freeballing · 23/05/2023 19:59

It all seems really transactional to me? Surely you invite and host them as you enjoy it? If you don't enjoy why would you do it? They've made it clear they don't enjoy it so they don't do it. It probably just hasn't occurred to them that you want payment for inviting them to dinner.

determinedtomakethiswork · 23/05/2023 20:00

If their house is still a mess after 40 years, that's a disgrace! It's one thing when the children are small, but surely that's not the case now?

SaladRooney · 23/05/2023 20:01

But if you resent it, why keep inviting them over for dinner? As you keep inviting them, they presumably think, whether or not it's justifiable in your view, that you enjoy having them, and aren't expecting some kind of equivalent effort/spend?

I like having people in our house (and we're short on night-time childcare), even though it's a chaotic building site with plastic covered holes in walls, and the kitchen is a concrete shell with a stove hooked up to a gas canister, so we invite people. I couldn't tell you who has 'reciprocated'. That not why we do it, we do it because we like it, and DH is an excellent cook.

theemmadilemma · 23/05/2023 20:01

Don't keep doing it then

We have friends that always come to us because it's easier. We invite them because we want to see them so are more than happy to put on a good spread. 🤷‍♀️

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 20:09

Maybe as they never do it, they genuinely don't realise how much it costs to put on a dinner party and think you've just rustled up something out of the cupboard?? Do they bring nice wine and maybe spend money on petrol (if it's a bit of a distance) so justify it that way?

It's up to you OP. Either make it clear that you'll get a takeaway and split the cost, or stop asking them, or have the awkward chat, or suck it up and carry on.

Starhead69 · 23/05/2023 20:10

Just stop with the dinner parties, if they found them enjoyable they would go out of their way to reciprocate.

Stick with the restaurants and takeaways and only pay for your own.

Sparkletastic · 23/05/2023 20:16

We have friends that never host either but they always bring loads of booze and flowers / chocolates. Are your friends generous in that way?

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