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Original poster

Friends never host dinner parties

168 replies

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 18:55

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

OP posts:
Moreorlessmentallystable · 23/05/2023 22:02

I know what you mean, we host a lot, and I mean parties with sometimes 40+. Only one or two couples have invited us to theirs. Some family members don't even invite us when they have a celebration at restaurants, so that says it all....

Shhhquirrel · 23/05/2023 22:03

Maybe they are embarrassed about their home, hoarders?

MrsMikeDrop · 23/05/2023 22:04

idliketogetdownnow · 23/05/2023 19:17

Stop inviting them round and just go out to restaurants.

This if it bothers you. Just because you enjoy hosting, not everyone does (and tbh if I was inviting people over for takeaways I wouldn't expect them to pay for it, although if you always do it, it would be nice if they occasionally offered)

changeme4this · 23/05/2023 22:13

Must be something in the air, I’ve had enough for cooking dinner for other people and it not being reciprocated too.

I told DH to stop asking/offering “friends” over dinner. One of them was cheeky enough to turn up at the house thinking we were still away. Not sure what the story was there.

Terrribletwos · 23/05/2023 22:15

You've been friends for forty years yet You've never discussed this. Is it a very formal relationship? Saying that, I don't think hosting 4 times a year is a big deal.

You feel bad about it now after 40 years so I am thinking why has this never been brought up in 40 years?
Why is their home a mess? Have you been to their home? Is it a hovel?

drpet49 · 23/05/2023 22:19

GCalltheway · 23/05/2023 19:12

Freeloaders, they could easily pay for the takeaways.
Stop inviting them now, and tell them why. Invite new friends that offer reciprocity like normal adults.

This. I hate stingy people.

UsingChangeofName · 23/05/2023 22:26

I never host dinner parties either. I can't think of a more stressful way to spend a weekend - tidying, cleaning, stressing over what to cook, shopping, cooking. The idea makes me shudder.
But if I were your friends, I would be offering to pay for the takeaways and / or the meals out.

However, if you seem to have been happy with the arrangement for 40 years, it does seem odd to make a stand now unless your circumstances have suddenly changed.

PatchworkElmer · 23/05/2023 22:30

Just meet them out and stop inviting them. Do they bring a gift when you host?

VestaTilley · 23/05/2023 22:32

Stop hosting them. Offer to meet in the local pub instead and make it clear everyone’s paying for themselves.

It may be they’re very hard up, or are just tight, but you don’t have to keep hosting if they never reciprocate.

Original poster
Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 22:44

Yes. I think they’re hoarders. Their adult children have given out to them about the state of their house. They go to everyone’s houses but never return the favour. I think they’ve gotten away with it for so long it’s normal for them.

OP posts:
Circumferences · 23/05/2023 22:45

Huntler · 23/05/2023 21:59

Good old Greg. God love him, can't cook for shit but he's great at washing up.

Show quote history

🤣😂😂

Original poster
Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 22:49

They came over two weeks ago. The take away arrived. One of them , as has happened only a few times, said we should go halves. He said I’ve no cash and that was the end of it. I had a big birthday last year and the wife was the only one who didn’t acknowledge it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 22:58

No. They’re not poorer. Sometimes they bring nothing. They seem to go to other friends and do this as well

OP posts:
AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 23/05/2023 23:01

Some people don't like hosting. That's OK.

If you have an issue with them not hosting back and resent them for it then stop hosting. Simple. Keep meeting out for meals. "Sorry. We're unable to host at home any more. Let's keep going to the pub".

anonymousamy · 23/05/2023 23:03

Lol - so many uptight posts on this threas.

Bunce1 · 23/05/2023 23:06

Freeloaders. Stop inviting them to your home and stop initiating plans. If they want to see you they will invite you.

Original poster
Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 23:06

No. Sometimes I meet the female partner and I’ve managed to get stuck with the bill. The excuse being I forgot my card and I’ve no cash.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 23/05/2023 23:07

I would follow that up with a text saying it’s ££ for your split of the bill from supper last night. Here is my account details.

mastertomsmum · 23/05/2023 23:08

If they don’t host they don’t host. Who likes cooking for people at a dinner party anyway??

RoseJam · 23/05/2023 23:13

If you enjoy their company and have a good time and don't mind hosting- then I would carry on and accept that a return invite from them will never come.

However, if this gets on your nerves, simply stop inviting them over to yours and suggest meeting at a restaurant and saying that the bill will be split equally between you all.

You are not duty-bound to keep inviting them over! The ball is in your court

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 23:14

Tinkerbyebye · 23/05/2023 19:21

Just book a restaurant each time and go halves

Good idea.

Esjolaol1973 · 23/05/2023 23:20

I absolutely hate dinner parties so old fashioned TBH .Would rather meet up at local restaurant and split the bill . More relaxing for everyone involved!

saraclara · 23/05/2023 23:31

This is one of the most middle class mumsnet threads.
Dinner parties?

I don't like hosting much, but I'll have friends round for a barbecue occasionally, or a casual lunch. But dinner parties just aren't a thing for me. I once had a colleague friend who kept going on about 'entertaining' and invited me, DH and another colleague friend for dinner. It was all a bit formal. Other colleague then invited us all, but was really stressed and out off his comfort zone having to cook a posh three course dinner. I never got round to it, but nor did I realise it was an obligation.

ASGIRC · 23/05/2023 23:33

mrsm43s · 23/05/2023 21:23

I love hosting and do it often. It's never occurred to me that I'm "owed" return invitations or a bought dinner. If I wasn't prepared to pay for food and cook it for my guests, I wouldn't invite people over for dinner! I don't think an invitation to dinner comes with an obligation for return hosting at all. The only thing I expect of my guests is that they turn up and have a good time! Obviously taking some flowers/wine is a polite thing to do, but tbh as a host, I don't expect that although I do appreciate it.

This is exactly my take as well. I appreciate it when they ask if they can bring something, or bring some wine.
With a couple of my friends I always take the wine (a few bottles!) and a cheese. They do the same when they come to mine. But honestly, whenever Im hosting a dinner party, I have more than enough wine and food for everyone, even if no one brings anything!

I never expect people to reciprocate, and I dont care whether they do or not.

pinkdelight · 23/05/2023 23:40

I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out.

I really don't think this is a thing. If adult friends go out for dinner together they go halves. That's fair. People don't really take each other for dinner and pay for it unless it's a special treat/occasion and they're doing so out of the goodness of their heart. They don't pay for it in recompense for past dinner parties. That's weird. By all means stop having them over for dinner, but no one owes someone a dinner party, nor a meal out to pay the hosts back. They're separate things and no one is forced to host.