Friends never host dinner parties

[Iwishikneweverything]

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

My parents used to enjoy dinner parties with friends but when they couldn’t afford to host any more they stopped accepting invites. They are now in their 70s and have hardly any friends and it’s all a bit sad really.

Do you do any alternative activities with these friends or could you suggest doing something else together?

You’re not wrong to wish it was different, but you are wrong to expect it to be different.

If it bothers you that you pay more often than they do, you need to either say so - ‘Hey, happy to host at our house but why don’t you get the takeaway this time, as we cooked last time?’ - or you need to only go out to eat at restaurants so you can split the bill 50-50.

Do they go halves every time?

If so then YABU.

If you don’t want to have them in your home then just meet them out somewhere as it’s only 4 times a year.

I don’t host as I live in the middle of no where with no parking and it’s difficult to get to mine and I have a massive dog and a tiny home, so it’s just easier to meet friends somewhere central.

I can’t let a week go past without hosting a dinner party. I’m well known for them in some circles.

I absolutely hate hosting so am a very appreciative guest when hosted by anyone else!

People shouldn’t have to ask you to reciprocate 😳

Our best friends really stress out when it comes to hosting. In 20 yrs we have probably eaten at theirs 5 times. They come to ours a lot more frequently 10 times a year or more for food or takeaway

But they do appreciate it, they always bring stuff like pudding and alcohol and have paid for takeaways too. TBH wound rather they come to ours as I find it more relaxing. Also Greg always help clear up

I never host in my own home. I'm too self conscious about the way it looks and I know people will judge it, so it's easier not to have people around. I'm happier going to restaurants and splitting the bill, but without any drama about it (I.e. not others trying to offer to pay and having to argue for them not to). I would rather people be explicit about the cost and splitting it, sometimes I've offered to contribute but then they say don't worry about it which makes me feel like it has to be my turn next time but I'd rather just pay a contribution there and then. I don't really like going to dinner at other people's homes really as I know I can't reciprocate, so generally only do it if they insist. Which makes me think that they are getting some pleasure out of hosting and I'm turning up as they enjoy my company, because I'd really rather be in some neutral territory.

I don't think you should expect them to host just because you do, particularly as they've said they don't want to. I would however expect a more even split money wise. It's possible they haven't really given it much thought really rather than freeloading.
When I first married my husband and I used to visit another couple who would often cook. The wife was vegan and a very good cook. Looking back I don't recall every offering to pay or host back though we did bring a bottle or two. In that situation now I'd probably pay for a takeaway for all of us but i really didn't think about it.
Just speak up

I love hosting and do it often. It's never occurred to me that I'm "owed" return invitations or a bought dinner. If I wasn't prepared to pay for food and cook it for my guests, I wouldn't invite people over for dinner! I don't think an invitation to dinner comes with an obligation for return hosting at all. The only thing I expect of my guests is that they turn up and have a good time! Obviously taking some flowers/wine is a polite thing to do, but tbh as a host, I don't expect that although I do appreciate it.

I'm 66 now and the gloves are off. I wouldn't want to continue this friendship, personally.

I just had to name change for this as its a bit outing. I have recently had this out with some female friends for same reason going on a decade . I host frequently I enjou it but they never return favour and often come round with a poor contribution- eg a lot less than I would consider bringing to someone. They all tend to just eat out or occasionally or order take out individually paid for at peoples houses. So in some ways it's a cultural difference.

Anyway one day we were discussing something one of the others found irritating and I bought it up how I had hosted numerous times and theu never return favour or treat me to dinner in return over several years or arrived sometimes empty handed and it pissed me off. They were largely oblivious but could see why I felt that way. One of my friends has hosted something since so that's kind of progress in a way.

I think also hosting is happening less as eating out and deliveroo take over. I have some friends who host like me but in a minority compares to parents generation

And a bit like people who never own cars think nothing about accepting lifts people who never host never think about time effort etc in hosting and how you reflect that. No relationship is purely transactional but neither should it be a one way flow either.

I agree with a pp that this seems a weirdly transactional way of thinking to me.

We host reasonably often - although I would never describe what we do as a 'dinner party' so there may be a level of formality here that I'm missing - and I've never really noticed whether the people we've had round for meals have invited us to theirs too. Some have, some probably haven't. Those who have, I have no idea if we've gone to them a comparable number of times as they've come to us.

We have people round because we enjoy it. Nothing else; no expectations.

Are they going halves every time you go out or get a takeaway? I don't see a problem if so, just stop doing the home cooked meals 🤷‍♀️

Gong halves is fine though
Going halves is the absolute least they should be doing.

I never keep track of who has hosted. I have dinner parties because I enjoy hosting. But if it bothers you, just go out and split the bill

Just do restaurants 50:50 every time. No hosting

You are inviting them to dinner four times a year, they don't reciprocate.

I'd assume they were only accepting because they thought they were doing you some kind of favour.

Sorry.

Only voted YABU because you have kept on hosting them. YANBU to find it annoying. Stop having them round !

A lot of people are like this. I do feel "used" after a while after years of hosting with no return offers.
My family are the worst for this. My sil and bil refuse to return favours despite going round everyone else's houses being entertained and yes always empty handed.

Their reason for not returning? They both have OCD and don't want to mess the kitchen up, they want to maintain a pristine show home condition, and they wouldn't want other people's coats cluttering up the hallway.

Only two or three of us out of a friend group of ten host get togethers. It's never occurred to me to feel resentful because the rest don't.

I like hosting because I don't have to go anywhere! It costs less to host than it generally does to have a meal out.

Some would just prefer to go out. Stop hosting and go out instead. They didn't ask you to do it and may not realise how much it costs.

Since my our sitting room doubles as my DH's office, including filing, printing and desk, and we have no other space except bedrooms, bathroom, and a kitchen that's too small for a table, we cant have people round. I'm sure we've lost friends who don't believe we can't host. Frankly if they're going to be like that, they're a bit shallow. I would never let someone else pay for the whole takeaway just because we're eating at their place though, that is just weird. Also being aware that we can't host, I always offer to take a dish if we're going to someone else's place.

Do you think they have issues with hoarding? It is unusual to be friends for 40 years and never have been inside their house.

If they're otherwise nice to be around ask them to pick up a takeaway next time they're on their way to see you.

Good old Greg. God love him, can't cook for shit but he's great at washing up.