Friends never host dinner parties

[Iwishikneweverything]

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

*an intervention

What sort of a reply is that?

You seem weirdly passive, barely even engaging in your own thread. Understanding a lot better why you’re in the predicament you’re in…..

I’m intrigued by this, too! And would feel exactly the same as you, @Nodinnernogift - mortified to have to be asked / really resentful to have to do the asking of a clueless ‘friend’.

I wonder if @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea will enlighten us….

I'm guessing that the couple think that the OP is hosting dinner parties because she wants to host dinner parties. They don't think of it as transactional. They judge that it would be doubly rude to refuse her invitations when they have already declined to act as hosts, so they attend (possibly without always actually wanting to come).
They probably also believe that their explanation of non-reciprocity has been accepted and understood by the OP: "She keeps inviting us despite our lack of recipocation so she is obviously happy with the arrangement"

And as for not offering to pay everything for a meal out, it may well simply not occur to them that a monetary gesture would work as compensation fo not hosting. When I think about the horrors of hosting a dinner party, money just doesn't figure at all. It is the time, worry, social anxiety that is the real cost.

I think the OP is assuming way too much about the beliefs and attitudes people might bring to these kinds of social events.

I agree with @Random789 for the most part.

I have a friend who loves to bake. She often bakes 2 or 3 different options when I pop round for a coffee, and when we go to meetings of something we both belong to. I know she bakes for other groups and other friends too.
She does it, as she really enjoys baking. We are close, and I've talked to her about it before. She actually enjoys cooking, and giving.
I know there are people that like hosting parties, whereas others would find that stressful. I know there are people that enjoy planning themes and decoration for a 'do' , whereas it isn't for other people.
So I do get this thinking.

I mean, the takeaway thing is different though - that is definitely a time when at the very least they should pay their share. I agree with most, that is where I would jump in and insist on paying for all of it to say thankyou for the dinners cooked for me.

When I think about the horrors of hosting a dinner party, money just doesn't figure at all. It is the time, worry, social anxiety that is the real cost.

Sorry, but you have to be utterly clueless, or live under a rock, not to realise hosting people costs money - usually quite a bit.

I think the OP is assuming way too much about the beliefs and attitudes people might bring to these kinds of social events

What about common good manners?

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long and not said something? More fool you!

How do the get togethers happen? Do you invite your friends or do they contact you and say something like "we must meet up soon" .... and then you jump in and invite them? Maybe just don't contact them & see how long until they get in touch and then ask for their suggestion of where to meet?

But after forty years I doubt they will change their habits ....

We've got some friends like this. It's been going on about 15 years and longer for one half of the couple. They seem to think we are rich. Last time they came it was a holiday and they bought loads of stuff. I was stunned! Anyway I just suck it up because on balance we like them and I don't want to lose touch.

I have friends like this, thing is I enjoy hosting and enjoy the company but they never ask us to go to them and never even bring a thankyou/complimentary bottle of wine. Even though they stay the night and eat and drink ALOT.

Some people are so clueless, it’s embarrassing.

Turning up to someone’s house empty-handed, eating and drinking and accepting hospitality. Who does that??

They should not necessarily be blamed for not hosting. For some people, hosting and preparing a 'good' dinner is extremely difficult and stressful, either due to home conditions, or to co-ordination difficulties (I would rather take a high-stakes exam!)

However, assuming that their financial position is not much worse than yours, they should offer to contribute to the costs, and/or sometimes take you out for a meal.

I don't see why they should contribute to costs if OP has invited them, but I do agree that it would be courteous to take OP out for a meal now and then. Just stop inviting them OP if it bothers you that much. (I'm assuming when you're hosting they don't bring wine/flowers/ offer to bring a side dish)

Not for me it doesn't.

Four people would be maybe about £60 on ingredients and a couple of extra bottles and mixers in. (let's call that soup and posh rolls starter, steak mains, and a large pud from the farm shop, plus nibbles).

Or pizza - I usually do "pick your own toppings", so make the bases and sauce, and provide a wide range of veg and meat options.

Of course, the sky's the limit if you want to spend more, but I wouldn't think at all that my friends owed me because I chose to spend £60 on feeding us and socialising in my own home.

Right @thecatsthecats , that's £60 plus a couple of extra bottles and mixers. So, £85. Say once a month. For 40 years as per the op. 1000 per year. £40,000. All out of your pocket and nothing out of theirs. If you're happy with that, you do you. Many wouldn't be.

If you want to keep the friendship suggest picnics in the park with everyone having to byo food and drink. You will see them for who they are by their response

Well, for starters, let's not say once a month, because as OP said in the first post, it's four times a year. And you haven't accounted for inflation. Ho hum, let's leave it at 1/3 of your figure - £13k.

I think it would be decidedly odd behaviour to voluntarily do invite your friends over for, as you say, decades, whilst seethingly resenting the cost. If you're not happy, don't be such a melt - say something and sort it.

My wedding was free food and drink from Friday to Sunday and we sent most guests away with a few bottles of leftover wine. A small few of them didn't even get us gifts. I suppose I'm supposed to froth about that too.