Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends never host dinner parties

168 replies

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 18:55

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

OP posts:
Kitkatcatflap · 24/05/2023 05:43

They remember the OP's generosity alright - they are rubbing their hands to get her with glee at the thought of 40 years of freebies

Jpgflowerscollection · 24/05/2023 05:46

Oddsock that is a nice way to think about it but it's starting to not be enjoyable to see my relative because they always seem to need paying for a meal out / never reciprocate and I feel used!! So my gut instincts are saying don't do this anymore. I don't frel like we are real friends I feel as though I'm being used does that make sense?

Galectable · 24/05/2023 05:47

Next time you have them for dinner ask them to bring the wine (specify how much). Then cook something on a budget. I personally prefer cooking for friends at home, I can enjoy a drink or two and don't have to drive. I'd just cook an everyday meal and make it bigger. I find it's much cheaper than eating out.

OddSockSeeker · 24/05/2023 06:13

Listen to your gut then I’d say and make a choice not to do it.x

CurlewKate · 24/05/2023 06:30

Do you like them?

Sparkletastic · 24/05/2023 06:59

From your last updates OP I wouldn't even want to be friends with them, let alone regularly invite them over for dinner.

CoffeeCantata · 24/05/2023 07:01

OP I sympathise, but I think pps have given good advice and can't add much.

One of the reasons I'm on MN is that it gives me an insight into the way people think - outside my own bubble and this has made interesting reading.

I love having people over for a meal - nothing fancy - no fillet steak (we're veggies anyway) or Beef Wellington, so not expensive. But I love planning and cooking a meal for friends. It's very, very informal though - more like a kitchen supper - but the food is good (honestly!). My friends are the same and there's usually a battle to host next time and no pressure on the one couple who clearly don't enjoy it as much.

All the people here suggesting restaurants! They are so expensive (even the cheap ones) once you start adding in wine and 'side dishes' (often things that used to come with the dish anyway. Then there's the service charge and the tip (not begrudging waiting staff their tip - just irritated at the system - I always tip well).

Just as many pps have said they hate hosting, my heart sinks when someone suggests a restaurant meal. I cannot remember the last time I actually enjoyed my meal out - I find them so disappointing, as well as expensive. I was out last night at a Thai place and my dish was average at best. Also, just as some people hate hosting, I hate the drama of restaurants - all the fussing with menus, ordering, 'is everything OK for you?', then catching the waiter's eye and paying. And it wouldn't make any difference if someone took me to Le Manoir and Michel Blanc cooked specially for me - I'd just die of embarrassment at all the fuss!

I know this is irrelevant to OP's AIBU and I apologise for rambling on, but I wanted to put another perspective. The prevailing view that restaurants = fantastic experience and dinner parties = crap doesn't chime with my experience!

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 07:33

This is a friendship deal breaker for me.

Like in any relationship, I have boundaries of what is and what isn't acceptable. This isn't. It's selfish and mean.

Find new friends.

user1471538283 · 24/05/2023 07:33

I was about to say I'm shocking for not hosting because I hate cooking but I'll pay for everyone to go out for a meal or pay for a take away.

If they are not doing this I wouldn't invite them again.

SparklyBlackKitten · 24/05/2023 07:35

Dont invite them over so much any more.
Limit it to a yearly thing.
They sound like they are not just hoarders but also tight.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 07:37

When you are deciding whether to still be friends with them or not - remember, you're not theirs. Not at all. They're just using you. If you stop giving them freebies, eg just start going for walks instead, they'll be off like a shot to find someone else to freeload off.

underneaththeash · 24/05/2023 08:29

BHRK · 23/05/2023 21:35

I never keep track of who has hosted. I have dinner parties because I enjoy hosting. But if it bothers you, just go out and split the bill

I think you'd notice though if you were never invited back after 40 years.

We have distant family like this, stayed overnight, been round many times and no invite back at all.

They no longer get an invite. They did suggest last month that they came to visit and I said that it was their turn. No response.

Butchyrestingface · 24/05/2023 08:32

I would rather walk over hot coals than host a dinner party

I suspect most people would rather walk over hot coals that EAT any of my burnt offerings. Grin

I agree that the 'friends' should be shouting OP to the occasional meal out if they never host.

Also think they should be bringing flowers/desert/a starter/booze to the meals they attend but never think to reciprocate the offer.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 08:35

To all those saying 'I don't like hosting, so don't do it' - news flash, no one does. Well, very very few people! They do it because they enjoy it when they go to others, and so it's their turn to share the load out.

Busybutbored · 24/05/2023 08:43

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 08:35

To all those saying 'I don't like hosting, so don't do it' - news flash, no one does. Well, very very few people! They do it because they enjoy it when they go to others, and so it's their turn to share the load out.

Completely disagree with this. Why not just go out to restaurants? Thats what I do with most of my friends as its just easier. It's funny I have the opposite issue with one family member who always wants to host, won't go out and won't come over either.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 08:46

Because many people can't afford to go to restaurants?!?

SargentSagittarius · 24/05/2023 08:57

Sorry OP - you’re definitely NBU, but I also have limited sympathy for you, as they’re taking the absolute piss - but you’re letting them!?!

Just stop letting them. How hard is it?

SaladRooney · 24/05/2023 09:09

SargentSagittarius · 24/05/2023 08:57

Sorry OP - you’re definitely NBU, but I also have limited sympathy for you, as they’re taking the absolute piss - but you’re letting them!?!

Just stop letting them. How hard is it?

Yes, this is the definition of madness, Acting the same way (and thereby letting people you don't appear to even like behave the same way, at your expense) and then resenting the hell out of it! Why do you keep seeing them, when they're clearly miserly, and cost you money?

mainsfed · 24/05/2023 09:46

Just stop seeing them!

I can’t stand tight people.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 09:47

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 08:35

To all those saying 'I don't like hosting, so don't do it' - news flash, no one does. Well, very very few people! They do it because they enjoy it when they go to others, and so it's their turn to share the load out.

How silly for people to live a life where they keep up a cycle of doing something they don't like with their friends, just because they think it is the thing to do. I'd rather find an activity we both like, or declare us incompatible as friends if it has to be dinner parties.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 09:49

arethereanyleftatall · 24/05/2023 08:46

Because many people can't afford to go to restaurants?!?

Hosting dinner parties isn't cheap either.

Meet at the park for a picnic (everyone brings their own or assigned dishes to share). Meet for a walk, day at the playground or beach, go to the movies. Whatever you like and can afford.

mainsfed · 24/05/2023 10:29

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 09:47

How silly for people to live a life where they keep up a cycle of doing something they don't like with their friends, just because they think it is the thing to do. I'd rather find an activity we both like, or declare us incompatible as friends if it has to be dinner parties.

How silly not to realise that different people like different things.

I like family get togethers, and my aunts/uncles and cousins and siblings take turn hosting.

It would be rude of me to continually turn up to family get togethers, eat the amazing food and never reciprocate their hospitality.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 10:32

mainsfed · 24/05/2023 10:29

How silly not to realise that different people like different things.

I like family get togethers, and my aunts/uncles and cousins and siblings take turn hosting.

It would be rude of me to continually turn up to family get togethers, eat the amazing food and never reciprocate their hospitality.

Of course people like different things. But if you don't like hosting and parties, why participate in the cycle? Silly thing to do. I'd rather skip a friendship than be fake. It's no friendship if you have to be fake anyway. Maybe that's why none of my friends do dinner parties? It's not our scene.

CrystalCoco · 24/05/2023 10:37

I am about to become similar your friends. I'm fed up of hosting dinner parties and tbh don't really care about going round to friends for dinner either.

I'd far rather meet in a restaurant.

Unlike your friends however, going forward my plan is to 'reciprocate' any dinners that we can't get out of by taking the hosts out for dinner at a later date and see if I can work it into the conversation that I don't want to host anymore - hopefully the invites will dry up and we can just enjoy each other's company in a restaurant instead - but not always on my dime!

KimberleyClark · 24/05/2023 10:40

Lots of people don’t enjoy hosting but they should return your hospitality by taking you out for a meal and paying.