Friends never host dinner parties

[Iwishikneweverything]

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

Busybutbored · Today 08:43
arethereanyleftatall · Today 08:35

To all those saying 'I don't like hosting, so don't do it' - news flash, no one does. Well, very very few people! They do it because they enjoy it when they go to others, and so it's their turn to share the load out.
Completely disagree with this. Why not just go out to restaurants? Thats what I do with most of my friends as its just easier. It's funny I have the opposite issue with one family member who always wants to host, won't go out and won't come over either.

I do enjoy hosting - but I know I'm in the minority and accept that.

Meals out are expensive. I'm a veggie and don't drink much and always end up paying £50 + for what was (for me ) a £20 meal. It's OK to say - insist on just paying your share, but that hardly ever works in practice. Some kind and considerate meat eater/drinker will say 'Oh , you and Mary only had xyz, and no wine, so just pay for your own'. Then Mary chirps up and says 'Oh, no, let's just split it!' This happens a lot, and it's great that some people are more generous and altruistic than me, but I haven't got the courage to then insist on only paying my way. It puts me right off eating out - I genuinely don't know how people afford it so often. And, as I said in my previous - I rarely enjoy the meal as much as a home-cooked one. I've learned restaurants are just not for me.

But each to their own.

I've taken people out to eat before but even that is probably bad as I've set limits on wine. Mostly because of a past experience where the people I was hosting ordered the most expensive bottle on the menu. If that makes me a bad host, so be it.

I do host but it's more likely to be a backyard BBQ.

Getting together for a meal is old fashioned? I guess so is getting born and growing old, having sex and children playing then 🤷‍♀️

It's not fake, I don't love cooking and washing up and cleaning, but I do want to want to be hosted by my wider family, and I do want to be a generous and thoughtful host, so I have to do my bit too. I wouldn't be able to afford takeout for everyone.

So then it has it's rewards for you and so it's something you overall enjoy participating in. That's different than someone who just hates the whole scene around it.

I have hosted before but not formal dinner parties where I cater a menu. I've had some very large gatherings but it was usually a bring something to share affair, where people found their entertainment within the group and in the backyard. I don't mind that so much. If a couple felt they needed me to throw them a dinner party though, I'm out.

'Whatever you like' - you nearly understand @NeedCoffeeNowPlease

You see, you can do whatever you like with your friends, and if that is going to a playground or whatever you said, you go for it. Enjoy.

And, luckily, other people get to choose whatever they like, even, can you believe this, even if it's different from what you like.

So, I like dinner parties with my friends. I like it because we're amazing cooks and so can have decent food cheaper. We can also simultaneously have our dc upstairs in bed asleep. Cheaper than a babysitter. I don't particular like the prep and cost when it's my turn to host but it is absolutely and utterly worth it for when it's theirs. This is my choice. Strangely enough, if I preferred to go to a playground with them, I could have worked that out for myself.

Like you said, you like dinner parties with your friends overall, so my post wasn't at all relevant to you. It's about people who hate the whole thing and do it because they think they are supposed to.

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease
Um. You quoted me!! And said what I like was silly and fake because it isn't what you like.

Ah okay, that's you. I don't pay much attention to user names. Same sentiment though - if someone hates the whole scene, why put yourself through it? If you don't get anything out of it? Obviously you do, and that wasn't what I got from your post.

And I said it would be silly and fake for me to do it. I wasn't talking about people who actually like that sort of thing.

I'm intrigued by this. Why would your friends need to tell you it's your turn to grab a takeaway? If they host you one week doesn't it play on your mind that you need to somehow return the favour?

I sound like I'm being goady but I'm genuinely interested. I resent ever having to tell one friend of mine that it's her turn because I would never need to be told (and would be so embarrassed). The resentment is rotting our friendship as I feel taken advantage of.

Dont invite them if you feel its unfair. What's wrong with you?

@NeedCoffeeNowPlease
Right, so the quote you responded to had 2 sentences. One of which detailed that I did get something out of it when I went to theirs. You chose to ignore that bit to feed your own narrative, and yet, I don't think a single person on this thread has detailed that they get absolutely nothing at all out of dinner parties and yet continue ti do it.

Just don't ask them round then. Go out or get a takeaway and split it. Some people genuinely do not like hosting.

If I liked them I wouldn't mind cooking for them. But if I did mind, after 40 years I'd expect to be able to say "Hey, can we come to yours next time?"

Who said they hate the whole scene?

The poster you quoted said 'They do it because they enjoy it when they go to others'

But this is what's already happening. The friends ARE paying for their share of the takeaway. OP thinks friends should be paying for the whole lot. "Come to our house but you're paying for the whole meal".

In light of your recent posts I would not be inviting these people to my house anymore as if it’s one thing I cannot stand it’s greed

How embarrassing to say you will pay half and then declare that you have no cash on you

You might consider that he is financially abusive and gives her no access to money?

Alternatively before you call time on this friendship you could invite them again and tell them they can pay on their card? Or remind them to bring cash? As you are getting a takeaway

Also consider forgetting your card on occasion

or simply stick to dining out with them

Do they buy the cheapest food on the menu if dining out? Or does she?

They could at least pay half of the takeaway.

Disengage with them. Stop inviting them.

I think maybe if you enjoy their company generally, just always go out and split the bill rather than hosting.

If I had friends who lived in a shithole I’d far rather host every time than have to pretend I enjoyed eating in said shithole. And I’d feel I was doing them a favour getting them out of it for a bit! But I enjoy hosting, if you don’t then go out instead. And if people forget their cards, send them your account details afterwards and ask for their share.

How far do you live from them? Personally I prefer hosting because I don't have to travel, can have a drink and don't have to get back in the car after dinner. So I consider the expense of hosting as a tradeoff for that, it doesn't bother me too much if I don't get a return invite. Some of my friends never host as they don't have space. I still like seeing them and like them coming to mine though!

No. They never pay for their share.

@Iwishikneweverything it’s definitely time to stop inviting them. Have you totted up over the years how much you will have spent extra in subsiding their social life? If they are doing it to others as well maybe not intervention is required