Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends never host dinner parties

168 replies

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 18:55

We have friends we've known for over 40 years. They come for dinner about four times a year. They never ask us back. They say their house is in such a mess that they can’t. I will cook or we will pay for take away. Sometimes we go to a Chinese but they never offer to pick up the tab. We always go halves. I think that seeing as they never host they could offer to pay maybe every third time when we go out. We all get on well and are very fond of them but sometimes it annoys me. Should I just accept things as they are or say something and risk ruining our friendship ?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 23/05/2023 23:41

I prefer to go out than host. I just don't enjoy it. My friends prefer to host.

It's rare I would invite them back for a meal

Just go out for dinner and split the costs in future

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2023 23:44

Moreorlessmentallystable · 23/05/2023 22:02

I know what you mean, we host a lot, and I mean parties with sometimes 40+. Only one or two couples have invited us to theirs. Some family members don't even invite us when they have a celebration at restaurants, so that says it all....

We used to do that. Lavish spreads. We had a large house. Then one person of a couple (who used to show up empty handed) bought a property for what would these days be about 100k cash, so it was small, but a choice sp as to go mortgage free. Deemed far too small to host us apparently even as a 4 so zero reciprocation. Ever. Even though they turned up at ours uninvited other times occasionally as well and idiots that we were, we’d feed them. Then we did a big favour for them and they gave us nothing for it. The red mist descended. We stopped doing large parties for all those people as the group sided against me for standing my ground. A lot of stuff came out after the event and after a step back, I realised we were treated differently as hosts than another couple. Funny you should mention not being asked out to restaurants… that hadn’t occurred to me. But no, we weren’t invited either.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 23/05/2023 23:52

I love hosting!!! I now have a partner that is an incredible cook and we threw out first dinner party last weekend.
My friends sometimes have me over, but I tend to host the most. I have a relaxed space and enjoy it. I don't care if they reciprocate. I'm a single mom and enjoy getting to have other adults in my space. Really hosting is for my benefit more than theirs. I enjoy the company..

Terrribletwos · 23/05/2023 23:55

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 23:06

No. Sometimes I meet the female partner and I’ve managed to get stuck with the bill. The excuse being I forgot my card and I’ve no cash.

So why do you not bring it up and ask?

junebirthdaygirl · 24/05/2023 00:09

I hate hosting. I have a mental block about it and my dh is no help. I am fine having people for tea and cake but a dinner party really stresses me. We have friends who invite us but l am really happier not to go as l can't reciprocate. I genuinely don't mind if they never ask us but they love cooking..both of them..and like to have a bunch of people around. They say..we love it so come on ..come around and we will do food.
I do meet the woman on her own for lunch and l pay but l would be happy if no one ever asked us to dinner ever again so l wouldn't have to feel awkward.

Kitkatcatflap · 24/05/2023 00:17

I love hosting, love cooking, planning menus and table decorations etc. We are a small group who unofficially take turns. One of the group loathes cooking but orders a giant takeaway which we eat sitting on the floor around her coffee table as she hasn't the space for a dining table. She is a generous host and we always have a great time. Reciprocating doesn't have to be the same evening

After 40 years of invitations (when also turn up empty handed) they could have cleared one room or had a BBQ outside or arranged a picnic somewhere.

You say if you meet the woman alone you are often left with the bill and jointly they forget the wallet. How have you not said anything? Especially, as you know they do it to other people. They are the worst kind of mean - mean of spirit. More effort going into nabbing a freebie than maintaining the friendship.

I would take a step back. No need for a showdown. If they ask - I would say it's a general lack of effort on their part but I doubt they will ask.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 00:23

So dinner parties are 'your thing', not theirs. Some people are into it, some aren't. If it bothers you, stick with afternoon tea or meeting out.

ejbaxa · 24/05/2023 00:25

I hate hosting. Stressful and consumes time I just don't have. I am not talented in that area at all. I do attend people's dinner parties and go out with people. I bring them something nice if dinner is at theirs and I pay my way when out - or if someone hosted recently, I'll pay for them when we're out. But I'm just not going to host. People can choose to invite me again to theirs, or not. But I will not host.

Kitkatcatflap · 24/05/2023 00:26

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 00:23

So dinner parties are 'your thing', not theirs. Some people are into it, some aren't. If it bothers you, stick with afternoon tea or meeting out.

But when they have done that the moochers leave them with the bill or they forget their wallet

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 00:27

Moreorlessmentallystable · 23/05/2023 22:02

I know what you mean, we host a lot, and I mean parties with sometimes 40+. Only one or two couples have invited us to theirs. Some family members don't even invite us when they have a celebration at restaurants, so that says it all....

But some of us hate parties. I go to friends' parties grudgingly. Not that they know that. I go because I'm trying to be a good friend and it's important to them. Honestly, I'd rather not, so expecting me to host reciprocally isn't going to happen.

What I will do is bring other things to the friendship. I'll always be there if needed for support, I'll shout you lunch at a cafe, I'll take you out walking to a spot you've never seen before, see a film and shout tickets.

If someone requires me to have parties, I'm out of the friendship.

Peachy2005 · 24/05/2023 00:30

You are being a doormat, sorry! Why would you not point out that you paid for lunch last time so next one is on her…and text to remind her not to forget her wallet. Who on earth is initiating all these plans? You or her/them?

I really can’t understand why you still see these people!

Aquamarine1029 · 24/05/2023 00:31

It's been 40 fucking years and you're complaining now? It's obvious there are some very serious issues going on in their lives so you can either take it or leave it at this point. They aren't changing.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 24/05/2023 00:49

The solution is don't invite them for meals at your house.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 00:54

Kitkatcatflap · 24/05/2023 00:26

But when they have done that the moochers leave them with the bill or they forget their wallet

Show quote history

I'd do it once. When they forget their wallet, I'd let them know my bank account details to pay me back. If they don't within a reasonable time frame, I'd either revise the friendship to one where we do no cost activities or give up on it. One way to pick the moochers from those who actually think the friendship is worth the effort.

BaiesRosesAmbre · 24/05/2023 01:08

I do think some people may not be able to return the favour of hosting. May it be because they don’t have space, might be embarrassed of their house, may hate cooking etc. That’s all fine.

your friends, however, should perhaps be offering to pay for your meals out.

do they turn up to yours empty handed when they come or bring something?

mayve next time you’d like to host them, ask them to bring a dish/pudding etc. That way it’s not all on you

PurpleParrots · 24/05/2023 01:15

You don’t have to host and pay for everyone’s food and drinks. Arrange to go out to eat and pay your share of the bill. Your friends can pay their share.

Next time you meet your friend for coffee remind her you paid last time. Her turn to stump up this time.

Don’t invite them round to yours to eat. You are, obviously, not happy with the current arrangements so change them.

QueenCamilla · 24/05/2023 01:38

I'd love to know in advance who the reciprocatophiles are. Just so I know not turn up to their lair.

  • They: Camilla, would you like to come to a dinner party I'm hosting? Obviously I'd expect you to reciprocate at some point for it to be fair & equal.
  • Me: No, thanks.
AutumnCrow · 24/05/2023 01:44

Iwishikneweverything · 23/05/2023 23:06

No. Sometimes I meet the female partner and I’ve managed to get stuck with the bill. The excuse being I forgot my card and I’ve no cash.

Well then you know what the problem is. They are tight as fuck and they don't want to pay.

Busybutbored · 24/05/2023 01:48

QueenCamilla · 24/05/2023 01:38

I'd love to know in advance who the reciprocatophiles are. Just so I know not turn up to their lair.

  • They: Camilla, would you like to come to a dinner party I'm hosting? Obviously I'd expect you to reciprocate at some point for it to be fair & equal.
  • Me: No, thanks.

Exactly! No thanks.

Divorcedalongtime · 24/05/2023 01:55

Some people do. It like hosting. I hate hosting and virtually never do it. I am happy to go to others if they enjoy hosting. I don’t think it’s fair that I should then pay for dinners out, that’s just weird.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 24/05/2023 02:00

QueenCamilla · 24/05/2023 01:38

I'd love to know in advance who the reciprocatophiles are. Just so I know not turn up to their lair.

  • They: Camilla, would you like to come to a dinner party I'm hosting? Obviously I'd expect you to reciprocate at some point for it to be fair & equal.
  • Me: No, thanks.

Me too really. I go to parties to be nice to friends who host them, I don't actually want to go. If they expect me to hold parties, then I guess we're not compatible friends. I hate parties. Always have.

MintJulia · 24/05/2023 02:21

If they are your friends then you presumably enjoy their company and want them to come to dinner. (or why would you invite them?) Offering them a meal is your way of expressing your friendship.

They have told you their house is always a mess. Maybe that means they do not feel confident hosting a meal, or comfortable inviting you into the 'mess'. Maybe they can't afford it or just can't cook? There may be lots of reasons.

So you have a choice. Stop inviting them and lose a friendship or keep inviting them with the acceptance that they contribute in other ways - being warm enjoyable company, supportive in a crisis, help with DIY or childcare or whatever.

Kitkatcatflap · 24/05/2023 04:45

'Being warm, enjoyable company and supportive' They didn't even acknowledge the OP's big birthday.

Jpgflowerscollection · 24/05/2023 05:08

I've had this recently with a relative, I realised it was always me hosting meals, coffee and cake etc and never reciprocated. I invited them to be part of a hobby group and I host for that sometimes so they come for those events and family events i have hosted. Recently I also offered to take them to hospital - after their heavy hinting - which resulted in the best part of two days ferrying them about as the first op got cancelled on the day. They replaced the petrol in my tank but there had been pretry much two days of helping them and that was it and it just always feels that I give and it isn't returned. Hard to explain as it does sound transactional but after a while it is horrible to feel that someone is taking advantage of you. It makes you feel disrespected. The last time I hosted when they sent me a text thanking me I replied to say it was their turn next time! Also I wondered if it was a financial thing but they have revealed to me they have two pensions and are comfortable. So just tight and possibly feel superior to me so entitled I think. No more!

OddSockSeeker · 24/05/2023 05:37

I’m always the one to host. I think I have a bit more energy, more room and more of a desire to bring people together than my other friends although they always enjoy parties, dinner etc at ours. I get so much pleasure from seeing them enjoy themselves and I love mixing my favourites and watching how well they get on. This is rarely reciprocated but I can see why, it’s too stressful for them to even think about. People are different. Not everyone can offer the same for many reasons.

I see it like this, the CHOICE is mine to have them over. It’s my GIFT to them. I don’t have to invite them.

Don’t look for flaws in your friends, enjoy them and enjoy your lives. It’ll all be over before you know it and when you reflect on your life, you won’t remember that they didn’t invite you over but you will remember the fun times and the joy you shared and they’ll remember your generosity.🥂 x