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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let other people feed my FF baby?

461 replies

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

OP posts:
user19888891 · 23/05/2023 18:03

Feeding your baby is an important bonding moment and feels very intimate. This is why lots of people enjoy it.
It’s completely up to you who gets to feed YOUR baby and you shouldn’t feel pressured to share this if you don’t want to.

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:04

I have never understood what people’s obsession is with wanting to “feed the baby”.

What is this desperate urge that others have to give a baby a bottle actually all about? It’s really odd.

Do the same people get as excited when the child is 8 months old and can have a bowl of porridge for example….are they just as desperate to be able to “feed the baby” in those instances too?

It’s strange.

It is generally advised that for the first few weeks only mum and dad bottle feed the baby as part of the bonding / connection process.

Maray1967 · 23/05/2023 18:05

DH allowed GPs to feed ours but they did not comment on how we were feeding. If anyone had made me feel bad for not breastfeeding they would never have fed my babies.

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 18:05

Thislittlepiggy89 · 23/05/2023 17:41

How old is your baby? Was in having mine 8 weeks ago. The midwife said to the mums ff on discharge to try and only have themselves and dad give the bottle. This is to support the baby in developing their essential bonds with their primary care giver. An older baby, maybe 4 months + I think the odd bottle would be OK.

I understand how you feel. Am certainly not expressing so someone else can feed my baby. FF or BF some mums just want to fulfil their primal role of being sole feeder of their baby.

It's most definitely not a "primal" role but more of a contemporary-anxiety one.

In a primal society (and some of those still exist) the babies would be fed by healthy women (not always the new mum) and by women with milk (not always the new mum).
Not liking MIL could well equal the baby's death then.

But yeah, we do have options these days. Unfortunately, some people can't pick the right one for toffee.

trrk · 23/05/2023 18:05

YABU if the baby is still a newborn. I agree with other PP that it’s good for the parents to do most of the feeds in the early days for bonding. If she really wants to can you use it to your advantage such as when you want to eat a meal in peace but baby has decided they are hungry. Then you’re not just sitting there watching her do the feed when you could be.

Maray1967 · 23/05/2023 18:07

Maray1967 · 23/05/2023 18:05

DH allowed GPs to feed ours but they did not comment on how we were feeding. If anyone had made me feel bad for not breastfeeding they would never have fed my babies.

Meant me & DH!

Original poster
Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 18:08

@trrk lol no one has ever offered to feed the baby if we are all trying to eat, it’s my job then 😁

OP posts:
Andanotherone01 · 23/05/2023 18:09

Do what you like. Personally I think feeding a baby is helpful

scrantonelectriccity · 23/05/2023 18:10

YANBU imo. I breastfed DD1 but DD2 is due soon and will be bottle fed and nobody apart from me and DP will be feeding for her whilst she's so small

Katypp · 23/05/2023 18:11

Here we go again ... another 'rule' apparently designed to make life as isolated and impossible for new mothers. and another reason for new mothers to brush away the very people who are probably best placed to help them.
I have said before,but I am convinced that there is a mental health crisis around the corner brought on by these impossible guidelines that seem to be designed to give parents no time to themselves whatsoever and no down time at all as they are stapled to their baby at all times.
And forums such as this feed into the myth that motherhood is all about 'enjoying your baby', milky cuddles, sleepy snuggles and velcro babies.
Thank goodness I am too old for this,because it would drive me completely insane.
Op, you are being ridiculous and your partner needs to tell you so. You are using your baby as a pawn to show your ILs who is boss.

35965a · 23/05/2023 18:12

YANBU at all

bussteward · 23/05/2023 18:13

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:04

I have never understood what people’s obsession is with wanting to “feed the baby”.

What is this desperate urge that others have to give a baby a bottle actually all about? It’s really odd.

Do the same people get as excited when the child is 8 months old and can have a bowl of porridge for example….are they just as desperate to be able to “feed the baby” in those instances too?

It’s strange.

It is generally advised that for the first few weeks only mum and dad bottle feed the baby as part of the bonding / connection process.

Agree with this. My parents run a mile at baby and toddler mealtimes – so messy.

If MIL is interested in helping OP, she can do so in many ways aside from bottle feeding. If she wants to bond, she can cuddle, play, chat, sing, read a story… I know in the early newborn days I felt ferocious if anyone came near me and either of my babies – I let everyone have cuddles but the primal “give me back my baby” feeling is powerful, especially so at feeding times. (Now DS is six months anyone can have him and gladly.)

marshmallowmatcha · 23/05/2023 18:13

I felt uncomfortable with anyone other than me or my partner giving my LO a bottle. Until they got to about 6 months. I think I was worried that bonding from BF was taken away from me. But my hormones were all over the place.

Beelezebub · 23/05/2023 18:13

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 18:08

@trrk lol no one has ever offered to feed the baby if we are all trying to eat, it’s my job then 😁

Then ask her to do it when everyone’s eating. Every single time.

35965a · 23/05/2023 18:14

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:04

I have never understood what people’s obsession is with wanting to “feed the baby”.

What is this desperate urge that others have to give a baby a bottle actually all about? It’s really odd.

Do the same people get as excited when the child is 8 months old and can have a bowl of porridge for example….are they just as desperate to be able to “feed the baby” in those instances too?

It’s strange.

It is generally advised that for the first few weeks only mum and dad bottle feed the baby as part of the bonding / connection process.

I agree, I find it baffling. Some people are just obsessed. Even if a mum is breastfeeding they are desperate to give a bottle.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 18:15

Commentsonpic · 23/05/2023 17:21

MIL especially is always angling to do it under the guise of being helpful when but not helpful like change a nappy, make a cup of tea or take out rubbish etc.

If I had been able to breastfeed, then it would always be me and I really love doing it.

The two members of my family who ff did it themselves till the babies were about 6 months for the very reason you have.

When I was allowed to after that it was wonderful but I absolutely stood by their decision.

Keep doing what you want. It's a very precious time and as long as you're being fair with the GPs (and in this case I do think that matters) you carry on.

SparkyBlue · 23/05/2023 18:16

I always feel like a weirdo on these posts. God I used to love if anyone offered to feed or hold the baby and give me a breather. I also loved visitors and having someone to chat to and eat biscuits or cake with.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 18:16

Katypp · 23/05/2023 18:11

Here we go again ... another 'rule' apparently designed to make life as isolated and impossible for new mothers. and another reason for new mothers to brush away the very people who are probably best placed to help them.
I have said before,but I am convinced that there is a mental health crisis around the corner brought on by these impossible guidelines that seem to be designed to give parents no time to themselves whatsoever and no down time at all as they are stapled to their baby at all times.
And forums such as this feed into the myth that motherhood is all about 'enjoying your baby', milky cuddles, sleepy snuggles and velcro babies.
Thank goodness I am too old for this,because it would drive me completely insane.
Op, you are being ridiculous and your partner needs to tell you so. You are using your baby as a pawn to show your ILs who is boss.

It's the OP's choice...

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 18:16

I don't understand why you are getting so much grief. If you were breastfeeding it would be just you, unless you expressed.
It's an entirely personal choice. Some people love the freedom that other people feeding their baby brings. Your opinion, thoughts and feelings are just as valid.
How old is the baby? Is pp have said its advised to keep the amount of people feeding a newborn to a minimum.

Avondale89 · 23/05/2023 18:16

Katypp · 23/05/2023 18:11

Here we go again ... another 'rule' apparently designed to make life as isolated and impossible for new mothers. and another reason for new mothers to brush away the very people who are probably best placed to help them.
I have said before,but I am convinced that there is a mental health crisis around the corner brought on by these impossible guidelines that seem to be designed to give parents no time to themselves whatsoever and no down time at all as they are stapled to their baby at all times.
And forums such as this feed into the myth that motherhood is all about 'enjoying your baby', milky cuddles, sleepy snuggles and velcro babies.
Thank goodness I am too old for this,because it would drive me completely insane.
Op, you are being ridiculous and your partner needs to tell you so. You are using your baby as a pawn to show your ILs who is boss.

Agreed. Women used to benefit from the support of other women, to the point of even sharing breastfeeding duties. Now we seem to be so immersed in our individualistic culture that we’ve taken on too much ourselves.

Also your MIL wants to hold and feed her grandchild, not take out the bins! Not sure that’s a fair swap 😂

Perhaps the OP should look into any latent issues around not being able to breastfeed, or anxiety around the baby generally. This anxiety could seep into other areas of the child’s life in later years.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/05/2023 18:17

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:04

I have never understood what people’s obsession is with wanting to “feed the baby”.

What is this desperate urge that others have to give a baby a bottle actually all about? It’s really odd.

Do the same people get as excited when the child is 8 months old and can have a bowl of porridge for example….are they just as desperate to be able to “feed the baby” in those instances too?

It’s strange.

It is generally advised that for the first few weeks only mum and dad bottle feed the baby as part of the bonding / connection process.

You've answered your own question. It's a known way of bonding with a baby and feels nice to connect with a baby you love in that way, even if you aren't the parent.

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 18:17

OP, I think you're basically right and it's up to you who feeds your baby. But maybe it would be nice to let MIL do it occasionally?

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2023 18:17

Newhomenewstart · 23/05/2023 17:26

I promise with baby number 2 you'll be throwing the baby at whoever will take it

Not true in the instances I know. Mum or dad for the first 6 months

Northernerinwales · 23/05/2023 18:17

Absolutely not. I wanted to breast feed and due to a tongue tie not being picked up in hospital after several complaints about not getting a good latch I was pushed to formula feed. I did most of the feeds but my partner did feeds also but I was so upset about not being able to breastfeed that I wanted to keep the feeds between me and my partner like it would have been breast feeding. I wouldn’t let anyone else feed her and on one occasion I was at my mil and she took the bottle from me and fed her and I was so upset that I actually cried when I left her house. My partner basically told me to get over myself but I was really hurt by it. Now she is 8m and people feed her when she is hungry but I just wish family would have waited until I was ready instead of pushing me into it.

MyTruthIsOut · 23/05/2023 18:18

QueenCamilla · 23/05/2023 18:05

It's most definitely not a "primal" role but more of a contemporary-anxiety one.

In a primal society (and some of those still exist) the babies would be fed by healthy women (not always the new mum) and by women with milk (not always the new mum).
Not liking MIL could well equal the baby's death then.

But yeah, we do have options these days. Unfortunately, some people can't pick the right one for toffee.

Show quote history

I’m pretty confident that new parents are perfectly able to pick the correct option for them.

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