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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell new lad this is my room

990 replies

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:20

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 23/05/2023 11:00

DD1 was the Princess of Darkness, DD2 preferred the landing light on. Thankfully they now have their own homes!

I prefer landing light on and fall asleep (face plant) into ASMR on my phone with headphones on.

DH listens to an audio book .

There is no one normal.

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 11:00

Lots of adults do have a light on at night - but most don't. So I don't think you're weird, OP, but he is the more normal.

Can you compromise? Either light or noise but not both? Maybe alternate nights??

GeraltsBathtub · 23/05/2023 11:00

YANBU of course to want your bedroom to have your preferred conditions. YABU however to expect anyone else to be able to sleep like that! Definitely not normal

Littleworkaholic · 23/05/2023 11:01

do You live alone and is it about a comfort thing? Noise and light making you feel less alone in the dark?

Catspyjamas17 · 23/05/2023 11:02

This is why the super wealthy always used to have separate rooms. Have sex but then go and have your own space, bed, lighting, room as warm or cold as you like and a good sleep not someone snuggling, snoring, farting and elbowing you all night.

I like a little light somewhere, not pitch black, particularly when staying somewhere unfamiliar as I always need to pee in the night and don't want to trip over/stub my toe etc when half asleep on the way. Luckily DH is a heavy sleeper and puts up with most of my foibles.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 23/05/2023 11:02

How are you going to hear the axe murderer coming for you with all that racket going on??

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 11:02

LadyOfTheCanyon · 23/05/2023 11:02

How are you going to hear the axe murderer coming for you with all that racket going on??

Better then if I had headphones in

OP posts:
CarbonNeutral · 23/05/2023 11:03

Theroad · 23/05/2023 10:30

Many children need this but I've never heard of an adult needing it? How old are you?

Show quote history

Probably quite young, she refers to the boyfriend/partner as a lad.

Showersugar · 23/05/2023 11:03

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:50

Yes have you not done something your whole life that you think is completely normal then 26 years later everyone comes along and tells you it's not

Show quote history

Have you not seen any depictions of sleep in TV or film? Never slept over at a friend's house? Never read about or stumbled across any material about sleep hygiene?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2023 11:04

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:35

I'm genuinely shocked that people sleep in pitch black houses with no background noise

Most houses aren't tho. Lots of houses have some degree of background noise, tafffix, each other etc. Most houses dint have total black out curtains so there's residual light from outside street lamps etc. unless you live in the countryside.

So it depends if he means he's OK with "normal" noise and light but can't cope with extra, and I'd you mean you have tv on loud enough to clearly hear, noisy fan blowing right over you, light on well enough to read by. Is it perhaps positional and he's getting a bigger glare and draft than you?

But ultimately, yeah I think it's going to kill the relationship

DaniFar · 23/05/2023 11:04

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:28

I thought it was quite normal to sleep with a landing or hallway light on I thought most people did this

Probably normal if you have young children.

Catspyjamas17 · 23/05/2023 11:04

Mine is a claustrophobia thing. If it's too dark to see my surroundings I start to imagine I'm in a tiny space.

bussteward · 23/05/2023 11:05

We only have the landing light on for DD to see her way to waking us up in the middle of the night. No TV in the bedroom, terrible sleep hygiene. White noise for the baby, I hate it.

You’re not long-term compatible unless you can afford separate bedrooms. Or could you do what my DP does, a stretchy headphone hair and so he can sleep listening to endless fucking podcasts and wake up grumpy because he never sleeps deeply. And maybe Mr Lover Lover could wear an eye mask to cope with the light.

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 23/05/2023 11:05

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:35

I'm genuinely shocked that people sleep in pitch black houses with no background noise

What really???

It is how most people sleep.

The only time I have come across anything else is people with tiny children who have nightlights.

Lots of people buy blackout blinds so they can have full darkness.

All advice about sleep quality will tell you to avoid artificial lights while sleeping. I can't believe you have never come across the concept of sleeping in darkness.

Noise is a bit different as white noise or sleep sounds can be used to block out disturbing sounds so is a bit more understandable.

davegrohll · 23/05/2023 11:05

Well we sleep with the bathroom light on for the kids, and me abit as I don't like the bedroom door being open and looking into the darkness, but I'm anxious as anything !!
I think the fan is abit much though op

InSpainTheRain · 23/05/2023 11:05

Of course you can tell anyone it's your room and you'll sleep how you want. But that amount of noise and light will be a dealbreaker for a lot of ppl!

Panda89 · 23/05/2023 11:05

YANBU but it sounds like you are not compatible in this was, unless you can both reach a compromise.

We have a fan on (Dyson one so super quiet) due to our bedroom being a loft room and v warm, windows can’t be fully open due to our crazy cats. But light and TV would be a deal breaker for me. DD6 and DH both wear eye masks as they like pitch black, whereas I can deal with the tiny bit of light that gets through the blinds. We reminisce fondly about a hotel room in Spain with shutters, ahhh it was so dark the sleep was glorious.

Thedogscollar · 23/05/2023 11:06

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 10:35

I'm genuinely shocked that people sleep in pitch black houses with no background noise

But that's the norm for the vast majority of people.

LakieLady · 23/05/2023 11:06

FourFoxSake · 23/05/2023 10:53

42% of UK adults sleep with a light on and most of those leave a hallway light on, so it's clearly not that odd.

It's not for me and I would struggle to slleep in those conditions. I think you're fine to insist on having your room as you like it but may need to accept this means he will never sleep over, may prefer to sleep in a guest room (if available) and may prefer to break off the relationship altogether.

Wow! Is that a light on in the actual bedroom? If so, I'm gobsmacked.

I've slept with quite a few people in my 67 years, and I've never encountered this.

I could understand leaving a light on on a landing or something, eg if the switch is in an awkward place (I once rented a house where you could only turn the landing light on and off downstairs in the hall, so it stayed on all night), so you get a bit of dim, ambient light.

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 11:07

SleepingStandingUp · 23/05/2023 11:04

Most houses aren't tho. Lots of houses have some degree of background noise, tafffix, each other etc. Most houses dint have total black out curtains so there's residual light from outside street lamps etc. unless you live in the countryside.

So it depends if he means he's OK with "normal" noise and light but can't cope with extra, and I'd you mean you have tv on loud enough to clearly hear, noisy fan blowing right over you, light on well enough to read by. Is it perhaps positional and he's getting a bigger glare and draft than you?

But ultimately, yeah I think it's going to kill the relationship

Show quote history

The light is in the hallway so the bedroom is still dark you wouldn't be able to read in it the fan is only pointing at me and has a timer I also have a timer on the telly

OP posts:
LadyOfTheCanyon · 23/05/2023 11:08

Also when you say 'lad' in your title is this your best friend's dad who's 20 years older than you?

Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 11:08

DaniFar · 23/05/2023 11:04

Probably normal if you have young children.

Show quote history

I have 2 kids their just not here all the time but I still like it like this when their at their dads

OP posts:
Original poster
Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 23/05/2023 11:09

LadyOfTheCanyon · 23/05/2023 11:08

Also when you say 'lad' in your title is this your best friend's dad who's 20 years older than you?

No its not 🙄

OP posts:
ringsaglitter · 23/05/2023 11:09

HoldingTheDoor · 23/05/2023 10:30

I thought it was quite normal to sleep with a landing or hallway light on I thought most people did this

They don't.

I second this, they don't.

I'd go barmy trying to sleep in those conditions. You can sleep how you like OP, butI wouldn't shae a home with you

Catspyjamas17 · 23/05/2023 11:10

All advice about sleep quality will tell you to avoid artificial lights while sleeping. I can't believe you have never come across the concept of sleeping in darkness.

It doesn't really work though if you lie there in the pitch black imagining you are buried underground or causes other anxious thoughts. Sleeping in total darkness is not very good sleep hygiene for me personally. There is general advice, and then there is knowing yourself and what's good for you as an individual.