To tell new lad this is my room

[Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy]

I know this is ridiculous but its really pissing me off Iv just started seeing someone new and he's been staying over and everything has been going great except I like to sleep with a fan on, the landing light on and the TV or something on my phone for background noise. he hates the fan and tv/phone being on he wants complete darkness and silence and wants to sleep with the window open. Aibu to tell him it's my room so it's tough 💩 how he likes to sleep.

I’m sorry OP, truly sorry for what you’ve been through, it’s a kind of trauma most of us can’t imagine and of course it has impact on your current life, addictions, relationships, everything. You should be proud of yourself for trying to do better and engaging with mh services and you should continue doing that, for your children and yourself.

The posters here are understandably concerned, and what their definition of “normal” is obviously isn’t yours, since most of your life has been anything but. But seriously, for most of us who have had a normal life (that presumably you also want for yourself and your daughters), it really is normal to wait before introducing kids to a new partner (even as a friend), to go on a few dates before having sex, to wear condoms, to be sober around your kids, to not get arrested, to expect not to be cheated on while not having sex temporarily, etc.

You have clearly come a long way but you still have a long way to go. Please keep listening to the wise people here and taking their advice on board (you’ve already done great dedicating the time with your DD to her only), engaging in counseling and working hard so you and your kids can have a better life.

Again stop with the patronising 'posters on this thread dont know what real trauma is.

Some of us are speaking from actual experience, Honestly, our stories are very similar, child SA, growing up in care, pregnant at 15, no family support I could go on.

It is from those experiences I am speaking , Op needs to help herself as no one else can do it for her, Its a choice, she does something about it now while shes still young or spend the rest of her life regretting it.

All this still drinking vodka malarky and weed is not a real drug. My Dss's mum used to say the same bollocks, She died of severe liver failure 2 years ago leaving 13 yo dss without a mum.

Agreed.

This. Every single word.

My mum suffered horrific trauma as a child. She did her best to break the cycle, and did a lot of good things for my siblings and I, which I am grateful for. However, I did not have a 'normal' upbringing like my friends, and I now have a very strained relationship with my mum. yeah, I still see her, but it's not that often - we are not close, never have been, and sadly will probably never be.

Growing up, I had to be her emotional support; as a teenager, I put her needs before my own, and it had serious effects on my MH (and that of my siblings).
OP - your daughter knows what your 'friends' are doing in your room. trust me, she knows - she just doesn't;t tell you she knows. The amount of times, I silently sobbed in my bed, due to the things I was hearing from my mum's room, and yes - I pretended that I didn't see the numerous bruises the next day. The amount of times my big sister held me and comforted me (we shared a room) because I didn't feel safe walking down the corridor, and knocking on my mum's door.

The thing that broke my heart the most reading this thread? Where you said that your daughter spent the night in your bed on Friday. I remember doing this with my mum lots of times, when she was alone. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew she needed me to. Every time I did it she would comment about how lovely it was to snuggle together, and spent time together. I spent those nights worrying and anxious.

Unfortunately, my mum's trauma became my trauma - despite me never physically living through what she had gone through. As a teenager, I resented her for never being there emotionally for me. As an adult, I understand she wasn't able to give me that emotional headspace. For years, I never got close to men - I saw how men treated my mum, and so wanted to avoid them. I'm lucky to now have a very decent DH, whom I 100% trust to never treat me like that (and yes - we didn't have sex straight away, we wore condoms until we both went for STI checks, and I firmly trust he would never ever cheat).

Ask my mum - she will tell you how proud she is of her DC and how 'well-adjusted' we are (we're not - we've all had MH issues during our adult lives), and how this is a testament of what a great mum she is, and how good a job she did in bringing us up.

So, please take note of every single word @fitzwilliamdarcy has written in all her posts. Yes, you may be making amazing changes to improving your life, but everything you do is still affecting your DDs, especially your 10yo, who will be becoming more and more aware of everything you are doing.

This is the point I am learning and that's why forums like mumsnet is so important as people in my actual life are nothing like you lot their more like me so no I don't always no what's normal and not but I am trying to learn. You all need to realise I became pregnant with my 1st daughter at 15 so we have literally grown up together.

So maybe don't argue quite so vehemently when we point out that what you think is 'normal' in a relationship really isn't if you want stability

Have u read what people have said to me do you honestly think im not gonna stand up for myself

OP, part of learning is actually about listening. E.G, the whole risk factor of catching STDs with a long term partner vs short term. A million and one posters can, and have, come on here to tell you that you're wrong, but you refuse to listen, because you're on the defensive. On one hand, you acknowledge that you've not had a normal life, yet when posters agree and tell you the things you think are normal are not, again, you go on the defensive.

I don't know if this is part and parcel of BPD, or if you're just not good at it, but you have to learn to listen - to your kids, to healthcare professionals, and also to posters on here who have been/are going through similar situations to yourself. You've started making changes, and that's great, but If you truly want your situation to get better, learn to listen.

@CurzonDax

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy please read and digest her post.

Well done last few posters. Opening post was engaging and guess what now she isn’t. I agree with all that you have posted by the way but do you really think she would have gone yes you are so right. Ever heard of softly softly?

MN is notoriously middle class. That’s why you’re getting responses from people who don’t know anyone who’s been arrested and they all wait decades to introduce a new partner to their DC.

I’ve lived in both camps. I was a single mum on benefits, living in a world where yes, I knew lots of people who’d been arrested. The single mums I knew (including myself) did allow new partners to stay over and lots of people (not me) used drugs, even if it was just weed. I then got educated and got a really good job, and suddenly I’m mixing with the MN user type of people. I also moved house (for work) so lost contact with a lot of the old crowd. So I did then see how others live differently. And yes I did change to a certain extent. We adapt to our environment.

Most pp’s would have you believe that they are the “norm” because that’s all they know. But actually I think your way of life is the reality for a good 50% of the population. Your average MN user just doesn’t see it.

All that being said, they want better for you and your DC. That’s where their advice is coming from. Except you don’t live in a nice middle class world so their advice is going to seem unrealistic for you.

Keep tackling the alcohol use. Learn to say no to men for your own sake. Majority of them will just be using you. Take it from someone who’s been there. Learn to love yourself and value yourself and that will translate to you being a better mother. Everyone saying do this and that for your kids but in a way they’re missing the point. Do it for yourself first as that is the biggest step and your kids will then benefit. You can’t do it just for them as your low self worth will sabotage it. That’s what people don’t understand I think. Make these changes for you because your life is worth something.

Thankyou so much for this and for the understanding 💗

@NotAHouse your armchair psychology of how one person you know who might have BDP is not helpful. It's discriminatory.

@Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy I've read a few of your threads, and honestly I just want to give you a hug. I say that as someone who does feel anger towards mums who drink - my mum was an alcoholic throughout my childhood (varying degrees, not always physically dependent) and ultimately she died from it. But then I am also aware of what trauma it usually covers. I work in areas and with families where it would be difficult to find someone who doesn't use some form of drug and hasn't been arrested ever, but then a few miles away and the reverse is true. There are members of my own family where I'm the only 'straight edge ' person they know.

I understand why you're being defensive here at times, and why others are angry. The sad thing is, the standard of care you received was so abysmally low. You have done better for your daughter then the childhood you had, and that is what most people set out to acheive. Unfortunately though the gap between what you received and what people would assume is a good enough parent is so vast, it means from your perspective you've done a lot, but to others you're still falling short. A more straightforward example that I deal with a lot is say, parents who shout/scream/threaten their children - who don't see why it's so bad, because they don't hit them, and they grew up being battered at home. You can see that they're doing right in one sense but it's still not 'good enough '

It is a long climb when you've come from such a difficult childhood. I really hope you're able to stay motivated and keep making changes so that you have the better future you and your family deserve.

wow that’s a major chip on your shoulder. Are you ok? If you’ve ever read a thread on how much do you earn or cost of living, you’d know it was predominantly working class.

your post reads like a lengthy post that’s nothing more than a bitter little barb at the middle classes. I lost count of how much you mentioned it.

and no 50 percent of the population do not live as the op does. Telling her it’s the norm is doing her no favours and it’s sod all to do with class

from a working class woman with a brother in jail for dealing.

50% of parents don't have their children taken away

I don't know that getting into an argument about how middle class MN is (or what constitutes middle classness) or beating the op over the head for losing custody of her children is actually going to help at all

The point is that what OP thinks is normal, really, really isn't, and pp telling her 50% of people live like her really isn't doing OP any favours.

The harsh truth is that by having strange men overnight (OP claims to 'know them and trust them' after 2 weeks) OP is putting her children at risk of SA.