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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think we should PTS our dog now but my family doesn’t agree with me

171 replies

LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 09:44

My dog is terminally ill with cancer and I am watching him die very slowly, getting sicker and sicker. I feel so uncomfortable watching him lose his enthusiasm for life and basically just becoming more insular and less engaged. Whilst this is to be expected, I don’t want it to continue - I don’t think it’s right to keep him alive as he’s ‘not that sick yet’ and is still eating, drinking and (slowly) walking.

My dog was a very very silly, playful, noisy, fun lad and now he can barely even muster up much more than a few tail wags even though he clearly still loves us, he just looks so fed up. He was a big lover of toys now he’s not interested in any. He is eating a lot but he’s on high dose steroids, so this feels like it’s not true hunger. The vet assured me he is not in pain but probably just feels lethargic and rubbish.

I do not want to wait until he’s in a medical crisis to rush to a vet to PTS as that’s cruel.

My family do not agree that it’s time to let him go yet. None of us agree about PTS this week, and they are making me feel like I am finding it inconvenient to care for him. The vet says it’s up to us but obviously he’s very sick and doesn’t have long but no one knows how long.

I don’t know what to do. Do I just overrule my family and say no more? Sometimes when I approach him now it breaks my heart as I think he wants me to leave him alone. He used to be a really happy but pretty clingy dog so I already miss him. He’s not the dog he was and I feel like it’s not fair

Thanks

OP posts:
sparkellie · 23/05/2023 09:53

Yanbu
They want to keep him alive for them not him.
I had to have my old boy pts and it absolutely destroyed me, but it was the right thing for him.
Ask them what exactly they want to happen before it becomes a pts situation in their eyes?

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 23/05/2023 09:56

What do his eyes tell you?

Our big dog is also full of cancer, but at the moment the sunshine has re charged her and she’s bounding round like an idiot.

That last cold snap though, I thought that was it. Hee breathing, lethargy and her eyes were so so sad. I wanted her to have a couple of sunny days before we took her to be PTS.

I don’t expect her to last another winter, in fact I know she won’t, as she’ll go into a decline as the cold weather sets in and we will make the decision to PTS.

I won’t have her suffering.

HoldingTheDoor · 23/05/2023 10:00

Yes you overrule them. Animal welfare trumps their feelings. It's cruel to allow him to continue like this.

Kyse23 · 23/05/2023 10:03

I had my cat PTS last week. He was still drinking, eating and wandering outside but I wanted him to go having never felt pain or suffering and he had health issues that meant it was time
It was the right choice, and very peaceful

SouthCountryGirl · 23/05/2023 10:04

He clearly isn't well.

We had the same issue last year - mum wasn't sure whether to PTS. She didn't want to do it because he was becoming an inconvenience. He kept limping and the next day, was walking around like there was nothing wrong.

The following week he had a big stroke. The vet thinks he was having mini strokes.

You have to do what's right for the dog. Not what everyone else wants.

feralunderclass · 23/05/2023 10:04

YANBU, and big hugs to you, it's so hard. If my dcat got a terminal diagnosis (but was still very well) I'd take him home to enjoy him for a few days then PTS. I really don't feel its ethical or fair to keep an animal going or wait until his eyes give me a message that he's had enough. Animals are great at hiding pain, there's no way the vet can say with certainty that he isn't in pain.

REP22 · 23/05/2023 10:09

I'm so sorry about your dog and the dilemma you are in.

Would they listen to a vet? Could you contact your vet for a ''check up' and ask their advice? If the vet feels that it is the right time that might make your family think about it and make you less of the "villain of the piece".

Very best wishes to you. x

pinkpirlie · 23/05/2023 10:09

It is such a hard decision to make, when the right time to help them pass.
However, it is always better to help them pass a week early than a day late.

With my little ones (and there have been many with tumours), I always take the view that when they can no longer do and/or no enjoy 50% of their four favourite things it is definitely time if I am still agonising over the decision.

Not sure if that would apply to dogs, as I have never had one. But it definitely helps me.

The welfare of the animal trumps the feelings of wanting to keep them around

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. 💐

Justlovedogs · 23/05/2023 10:11

I am really struggling to put what I think into words today, so I will be simple and just say that YANBU in the slightest.
It's the hardest decision (been there and done it, several times) but it doesn't mean you don't care or don't want to be bothered anymore. Quite the opposite, in fact. IMO, not allowing your animal to suffer or become an emergency PTS is the last, most responsible and caring decision you can make.
Good luck, OP, and sending you the biggest virtual hugs I can.

Mrsjayy · 23/05/2023 10:12

Just make the decision and do it, sometimes you just have to your family are being sentimental and are sad but it's not fair on your poor dog. When do they want to do it ?

Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 10:15

Iwrotethelyricstoaxlf · 23/05/2023 09:56

What do his eyes tell you?

Our big dog is also full of cancer, but at the moment the sunshine has re charged her and she’s bounding round like an idiot.

That last cold snap though, I thought that was it. Hee breathing, lethargy and her eyes were so so sad. I wanted her to have a couple of sunny days before we took her to be PTS.

I don’t expect her to last another winter, in fact I know she won’t, as she’ll go into a decline as the cold weather sets in and we will make the decision to PTS.

I won’t have her suffering.

Yes it’s his eyes. Sometimes it’s that he looks at me to ask me to go away. That for him is really unusual. He also will even get up and physically walk away or lick his lips or yawn. He doesn’t come over when you call him. He will come up to you sometimes but it’s unusual now. He’s just so tired. His breathing is laboured. I hate everything about seeing him just die slowly. Also now is he living with his humans and doesn’t really want them to touch him. That’s not a happy life for a dog is it? The vet told me it would be a matter of a few months, it’s been 2 months since he got diagnosed

OP posts:
DumboLives · 23/05/2023 10:16

Your family need to understand that eating & drinking is not a sign of a happy & healthy dog. It is just an instinctive survival mechanism. It is not a sign it is OK. The dog is slowly dying in front of you, probably suffering daily, and your family are trying to put off the inevitable decision.

set a date and make his last few days special is probably the kindest thing you can do.

Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 10:18

The vet is nice but she is wishy washy. I like her with Ddog, she’s lovely and gentle but she’s not very forthright with the humans. I’m not complaining, I just don’t think she will be helpful here

the 50% thing - this is what is torturing me. It’s way less than 50% and I feel so cruel. He eats, drinks, goes to the toilet and may possibly have a small zoomie type moment during the day but all he does is sleep and sleep and sleep. He’s not comfy either as he keeps moving around a lot

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 23/05/2023 10:21

I think sometimes people want someone else to make the decision for them, and at the moment the rest of your family can be in denial that ddog is dying.
If he were my dog I would plan a lovely weekend for him - take him to the beach or whatever his very favourite place was, go for chicken nuggets at McDonalds (or again, whatever he loves most), do lots of cuddles . Then go to the vets on Monday or get them to come out so he can be PTS at home. He's telling you he is tired and has had enough, and if a previously cuddly dog doesn't want to be touched I would say he's in pain.
Better that its a week or two too early than a day too late.

Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 10:21

Vet thinks not pain yet as he has no pain responses in body language at all, I can still touch him everywhere too, he’s relaxed about that. He has lymphoma and doesn’t seem to have any obvious organ involvement that we can spot so they think he will just go very slowly. I think he’s started seeing things that are not really there now too

OP posts:
Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 10:23

CMOTDibbler · 23/05/2023 10:21

I think sometimes people want someone else to make the decision for them, and at the moment the rest of your family can be in denial that ddog is dying.
If he were my dog I would plan a lovely weekend for him - take him to the beach or whatever his very favourite place was, go for chicken nuggets at McDonalds (or again, whatever he loves most), do lots of cuddles . Then go to the vets on Monday or get them to come out so he can be PTS at home. He's telling you he is tired and has had enough, and if a previously cuddly dog doesn't want to be touched I would say he's in pain.
Better that its a week or two too early than a day too late.

I spent all my time anxious when the the vet is shut (weekends and bank holidays) very afraid of him becoming critically unwell, I would have to travel miles to an emergency vet with him, making it even worse for him. I would not forgive myself

I would like to pick Friday this week and just go then and PTS. I just need to tell family about the decision and have them understand

OP posts:
Pahpahpotato · 23/05/2023 10:27

You’re doing absolutely the right thing, he’s had enough, he doesn’t want to do this anymore, and you shouldn’t make him. It’s a bloody hard decision to make and come to terms with but human feelings shouldn’t take precedence over your boys welfare. I’m so sorry, it hurt my heart to read your post, watching them fade away is so cruel. How lucky we are to have dogs in our lives, even when it never feels like long enough.

HoldingTheDoor · 23/05/2023 10:27

I would like to pick Friday this week and just go then and PTS. I just need to tell family about the decision and have them understand

Do that. Whether they understand or not.

I have no patience for people who'll allow an animal to suffer to spare their feelings.

CMOTDibbler · 23/05/2023 10:28

I'd make that appointment for Friday (I'd forgotten it was another BH this weekend) then, especially if you think he's hallucinating so his brain is involved.

Trinityloop · 23/05/2023 10:29

https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

There are a couple of scales that can help with truly weighing up what is going on. They can help start the conversation

Often with illness things get slowly worse and worse so it's hard to have an objective point of view as things only seem a bit worse than last week and it's a drip drip so either you stop noticing how bad it is, or it feels cruel to suddenly say pts on Friday if he isn't any different to weds.

One thing that really helped up is to make up lines that we wouldn't cross in advance. We have a list of redflags that if met that we know to make the decision. It is really hard because as we approach the temptation is to set the bench mark higher and higher, but making them in advance means that your more likely to stick with it.

We've tried to be really specific with each pet, based on their personality eg it's not unusual for my older dog to go off his food so that's not a line, but it would be for my very hungry lab. Its helpful to have it really specific eg. If not eating is on there, how many days? Toileting is on ours but we have a specific definition and threshold so we don't worry about one accident etc but equally don't down play it. Walks? We had a specific movement for a cat (being able to jump up to their preferred bed) that we knew if they couldn't make their arthritis is too bad.

It's hard to have those conversations but it does help when there's differences in opinions

Quality of Life Scale for Pets online calculator

JOURNEYS Quality of Life Scale calculator helps evaluate the difficult decision for your failing pet. "Is it Time?" - call to discuss your situation.

https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator

TheNoodlesIncident · 23/05/2023 10:30

From your updates, I would make an appointment with the vet for very soon. Your dog clearly just wants to be out of it. As a PP has said, You have to do what's right for the dog. Not what everyone else wants.

I got two cats and realised that they were stressing each other out. The health of both cats was deteriorating, so I had to make the decision to rehome one of them. That broke me, I still well up thinking about the cat I no longer have and know I will never see her again. BUT, it was in the cats' best interests and I have responsibility for their welfare/wellbeing. It hurts so much but you have do what's best for the animal, however much it grieves you at this time. I'm so sorry.

You are being compassionate towards your old friend, your family are not thinking straight because they don't want to let him go. You'll probably need to override them.

Kyse23 · 23/05/2023 10:31

Honestly it's the right thing. My cat was possibly a few weeks too early but I don't regret it and feel totally at peace
If it had ended as an emergency with him in pain I couldn't have forgiven myself

FurElise · 23/05/2023 10:33

Sending hugs OP - this is the last, the hardest and the most important thing we have to do for our animals. You already know what needs to be done and your family are just making you doubt yourself and making a hard decision a harder one. Set your boy free.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/05/2023 10:35

Do they genuinely feel he has a decent quality of life?

Or do you think they don't want to be the ones that say 'ok yes it's time' and carry that responsibility - and would prefer it if someone else made the final decision?

We're watching our 14 year old like a hawk - currently yes he sleeps a lot and yes when awake can move slowly and be a bit 'mildly baffled', is almost entirely blind, however on the other hand..

Happy to have a good old shout at the usual stuff (noises, pigeons)
Seeks us out for fuss, cuddles, to shove another dog off his preferred bed.
Does his wiggly dance for food, toys, to play with the other two, to play with us, at the sound of his lead coming out, all the normal stuff.
Gets very silly and bouncy several times a day (again normal for him).
Is not experiencing pain or discomfort as far as we can determine (I did a pain med trial with him recently to be as certain as I can!)

So we don't think the time is now, but we're aware this could change at any moment and that change could be fast.

If we were in the situation you describe, we'd have booked the appointment already, though I appreciate it isn't easy when there isn't full agreement with the rest of the household.

Overitallnow · 23/05/2023 10:37

I feel your pain. I have made the decision to put my beloved 15 year old shih tzu to sleep tomorrow. He is very distressed and it's heartbreaking to see.