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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think we should PTS our dog now but my family doesn’t agree with me

171 replies

LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 09:44

My dog is terminally ill with cancer and I am watching him die very slowly, getting sicker and sicker. I feel so uncomfortable watching him lose his enthusiasm for life and basically just becoming more insular and less engaged. Whilst this is to be expected, I don’t want it to continue - I don’t think it’s right to keep him alive as he’s ‘not that sick yet’ and is still eating, drinking and (slowly) walking.

My dog was a very very silly, playful, noisy, fun lad and now he can barely even muster up much more than a few tail wags even though he clearly still loves us, he just looks so fed up. He was a big lover of toys now he’s not interested in any. He is eating a lot but he’s on high dose steroids, so this feels like it’s not true hunger. The vet assured me he is not in pain but probably just feels lethargic and rubbish.

I do not want to wait until he’s in a medical crisis to rush to a vet to PTS as that’s cruel.

My family do not agree that it’s time to let him go yet. None of us agree about PTS this week, and they are making me feel like I am finding it inconvenient to care for him. The vet says it’s up to us but obviously he’s very sick and doesn’t have long but no one knows how long.

I don’t know what to do. Do I just overrule my family and say no more? Sometimes when I approach him now it breaks my heart as I think he wants me to leave him alone. He used to be a really happy but pretty clingy dog so I already miss him. He’s not the dog he was and I feel like it’s not fair

Thanks

OP posts:
Mariposista · 23/05/2023 10:39

Your poor poor dog.This is the hardest decision you will ever have to make for him, and also the ultimate act of love. I say this as the dog-mum of a beautiful 3 year old labrador who is my absolute world. Since we brought him home as an 8 week old ball of fluff and mischief we agreed that when the day came that he had had enough, he was in pain, suffering, we would do the right thing by him, and give him dignity until the end. You family mustn't keep him going for THEM, in an ideal world the horrible cancer will go away and your lad will come back to you, but sadly he is so poorly that he is suffering. I hope you get support, and ideally that someone comes with you to the vet. Please stay with your boy until the very end.

2bazookas · 23/05/2023 10:40

Tell your family, if they REALLY love the dog they will put his needs ahead of their own sadness and loss feelings. It's our last act of love and care to a pet.

RandomMess · 23/05/2023 10:41

I guess you need to tell them it's Friday and do some lovely stuff with him all week.

I'm sorry they are being so selfish and putting their feelings before DDogs

Flowers
Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 10:41

Trinityloop · 23/05/2023 10:29

https://journeyspet.com/pet-quality-of-life-scale-calculator/

There are a couple of scales that can help with truly weighing up what is going on. They can help start the conversation

Often with illness things get slowly worse and worse so it's hard to have an objective point of view as things only seem a bit worse than last week and it's a drip drip so either you stop noticing how bad it is, or it feels cruel to suddenly say pts on Friday if he isn't any different to weds.

One thing that really helped up is to make up lines that we wouldn't cross in advance. We have a list of redflags that if met that we know to make the decision. It is really hard because as we approach the temptation is to set the bench mark higher and higher, but making them in advance means that your more likely to stick with it.

We've tried to be really specific with each pet, based on their personality eg it's not unusual for my older dog to go off his food so that's not a line, but it would be for my very hungry lab. Its helpful to have it really specific eg. If not eating is on there, how many days? Toileting is on ours but we have a specific definition and threshold so we don't worry about one accident etc but equally don't down play it. Walks? We had a specific movement for a cat (being able to jump up to their preferred bed) that we knew if they couldn't make their arthritis is too bad.

It's hard to have those conversations but it does help when there's differences in opinions

Thank you so much for this. He scored 36 out of 100. Which is not great

the issue is the slow progression also recently he did have like sudden little uplift In his mood, seemed more energetic and present, but then it’s gone again.

I also tried to measure ‘something’ but I don’t know what to measure. Not eating I think for him would be a true emergency, even when very sick he would still scoff his food and ask for more. He's eating tons. Not playing - sometimes he will play for a few moments, but not long. Walking - he still wants to go out but his legs shake. He can’t jump up well now either. He seems to spend most of the time asleep

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 23/05/2023 10:45

We went through similar with our last dog. He wasn’t diagnosed with a tumour on his lung. The vet wanted to try X/Y/Z to give him an extra year. We did a week on the first lot of tablets to see if there was any improvement. I told the vet that if there wasn’t any improvement we would have him pts. I think the vet was surprised and said there were plenty of other things to try, but I told them I’d just watched my best friend fade away and die with cancer, and I wasn’t paying to put my dog through that. He too had lost his vibrancy- he’d been a crazy, happy, fun dog, but if he did anything he’d start coughing and have to stop, and our other dog would win running for balls etc. You could just see a slight sadness creeping in to him, even though he ate, drank and moved fine. During that week we spoiled him rotten, did all his favourite things (lit the real fire in august because he loved lying in front of it!). He didn’t improve. So he was pts quietly in his own bed at home. Although still miss him like crazy, I absolutely do not regret letting him go at that point. I made a similar decision for my beloved mother ld horse last summer. Again, although it eas very sad, I’m 200% sure it was the best thing. On the flip side, we had two pets that were left a bit too long before being pts/dying, and I am so upset/angry with myself that we left it too long, and it taints the memories a bit.
This is a very hard decision, but it’s the kindest thing we can do to repay them for all the love and joy they gave us. Hugs to you.x

Honeyroar · 23/05/2023 10:45

*he WAS diagnosed with a tumour on his lung

Honeyroar · 23/05/2023 10:47

*omg! It’s done some weird edits! My beloved horse, not mother!!!😱😱

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/05/2023 10:47

You're right and your family is wrong. Tell them that you'll take him to the vet and IF the vet says your dog is not suffering, you'll happily bring him home.

Your dog won't be coming home, you know it and you're unselfish enough to put his needs above any wish to keep him for as long as you can. I'm so sorry, it's an awful thing, the very worst bit of pet owning. Flowers

Thruandthru1 · 23/05/2023 10:50

It depends who you’re family is. And if it’s your dog or shared with a family member. Eg, if it’s someone like your Dh for example, and the dogs as much his as yours, then you can’t really whip the dog away. If it’s your children or parents but your dog then I don’t feel like they get a say. But if me and my Dh disagreed about our dog pts and he just took him anyway to be pts, I’d be beyond devastated at him for that betrayal (I doubt this would happen as I’m pro pts for animal suffering and so is he) I agree it’s time for your dog to go from my perspective but I don’t think you could do it behind the back of another owner.

PeopleAreShit · 23/05/2023 10:53

You say family, what do you mean? Do you mean aunts and uncles/grandparents or people in the House? So partner and kids and how old are they?

AnonyMenOhPee · 23/05/2023 10:57

I feel for you op it must be so hard it certainly sounds like it’s the right time to me and to have you family blocking you from making that decision must be even harder. How are they likely to take it if you say you can’t watch him any more and the kindest thing is to let him go, and that you’ve made an appointment?

Greengold123 · 23/05/2023 10:59

HoldingTheDoor · 23/05/2023 10:00

Yes you overrule them. Animal welfare trumps their feelings. It's cruel to allow him to continue like this.

Exactly this.

Do the right thing, not the easy thing.

DonttouchthatLarry · 23/05/2023 11:00

Please take him or you might regret it and be really angry with your husband for keeping the dog alive for his own benefit rather than the dog's (in my case). Reading that back I realise he would have been angry at me for taking him sooner, but if one party is going to be upset/annoyed whatever the outcome, the answer should always be to take them - better a week too early than a day too late (yes DH I am glaring at you as I type that!). I'll never listen to him again and will just go with my own instinct.

You will also have better memories of your dog's last few days with you - my experience was quite distressing and not how I want to remember my beautiful boy.

moose62 · 23/05/2023 11:01

My sister left it far too long to put her DDog down because she didn't want to lose him and it took a few home truths before she would do it.
I have had to put down 3 cats this year and at each point we knew the time was right.
I'm sure you have, but did you explain to your family how it makes you feel seeing DDog suffer this way and what do they think he is getting out of being alive, apart from pain and misery?
Tell them that at this point you have to do what is best for DDog, not what they want and that it will be done on a certain date so they can either make the last few days as good as possible or not...their choice...

BotterMon · 23/05/2023 11:05

Better a week too early than a week too late. Your family are being selfish pricks. Tell them to think of the dog who has given them so much in its life rather than themselves.

Sorry you are going through this but it really makes me angry when people put off decisions for animal welfare just because it may hurt them emotionally.

I know it's hard - I've been there too many times but always put the animal first.

AnnWithoutAnnie · 23/05/2023 11:07

I think you need to book the appointment (🥲) and tell them, when they object, ask them what they think he's getting out of life right now & at what point they think PTS is right.

Explain he will just have a nice few days & then go sleep, he won't know he won't wake up again, alternatively he could die in a horrible way not being able to breathe etc. Ask them why he should have to go through that just for them ??

Kaftanesque · 23/05/2023 11:20

Please don't let him suffer any longer.It's the ultimate way of showing our pets we love them by letting them go peacefully and when it's appropriate.As someone who worked with dogs I saw too many people let their pets get in a pitiful state because they put their own needs first.It is the hardest decision, and one we've done several times as a family. But we've never regretted the timing .Sending you a big virtual hug.

Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 11:29

It’s my children who don’t agree. They are adults and we all live together

OP posts:
Original poster
LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 11:30

I have booked a call with the vet today as I think maybe that is the best way to start the process

OP posts:
rainbowsprite1079 · 23/05/2023 11:34

Could it be they don't want to make the decision and you just need to say it's happening? I have a dog and said to my husband if the time ever comes and we have to put the dog to sleep he will have to say it cos I won't be able to. Maybe you just need to say it's happening arrange it all and then everyone can come and say goodbye

MaryPoppinsHat · 23/05/2023 11:34

LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 11:30

I have booked a call with the vet today as I think maybe that is the best way to start the process

Better a week to early, than a day too late.

If we could have kept our boy, we would have. It wouldn't have been kind to do that so we had him pts. I am still devastated 3 months later, but know it was the right thing to do for him.

You know he's not himself, your children are being selfish and keeping him for their sakes and not his.

ReachForTheMars · 23/05/2023 11:39

LabelleLabelle · 23/05/2023 11:30

I have booked a call with the vet today as I think maybe that is the best way to start the process

Have the kids at the next appointment and hear the vet opinion. They will respect the vet professionally rather than hoping mum can somehow fix by not PTS. This is probably psychological not rational.

BaroldBalonz · 23/05/2023 11:39

Better a week too early than a day too late.

Allfizzandfun · 23/05/2023 11:39

I feel your pain. I was in your shoes at Easter and I knew it was time but DH didn’t. However, he’d not be to the vet with her so I was relaying information and he was in denial. In the end we both went and he knew instantly it was the right choice. We held her and as hard as it was, she had a dignified end that she deserved after years of happiness.

As them at what point they think it would be the right time? While your DDog is in pain? Can’t walk? Can’t eat? It’s pretty miserable. Keeping an animal alive for your own benefit is quite a selfish thing to do. Understandable but ultimately selfish.

Firstmonthfree · 23/05/2023 11:43

There is a saying, better a day too early than a day too late.

it is so hard, but you can give him a lovely day, maybe drive him to somewhere he likes to go and give him cuddles and treats then take him to the vet and be with him when he goes. Give him a good end knowing he’s loved. Better than a panicked trip at night with him distressed and anxious because you’ve left it too late.

its so hard xx