I think we should PTS our dog now but my family doesn’t agree with me

[LabelleLabelle]

My dog is terminally ill with cancer and I am watching him die very slowly, getting sicker and sicker. I feel so uncomfortable watching him lose his enthusiasm for life and basically just becoming more insular and less engaged. Whilst this is to be expected, I don’t want it to continue - I don’t think it’s right to keep him alive as he’s ‘not that sick yet’ and is still eating, drinking and (slowly) walking.

My dog was a very very silly, playful, noisy, fun lad and now he can barely even muster up much more than a few tail wags even though he clearly still loves us, he just looks so fed up. He was a big lover of toys now he’s not interested in any. He is eating a lot but he’s on high dose steroids, so this feels like it’s not true hunger. The vet assured me he is not in pain but probably just feels lethargic and rubbish.

I do not want to wait until he’s in a medical crisis to rush to a vet to PTS as that’s cruel.

My family do not agree that it’s time to let him go yet. None of us agree about PTS this week, and they are making me feel like I am finding it inconvenient to care for him. The vet says it’s up to us but obviously he’s very sick and doesn’t have long but no one knows how long.

I don’t know what to do. Do I just overrule my family and say no more? Sometimes when I approach him now it breaks my heart as I think he wants me to leave him alone. He used to be a really happy but pretty clingy dog so I already miss him. He’s not the dog he was and I feel like it’s not fair

Thanks

@LabelleLabelle He trusted you. You fed and watered and housed him throughout his days. He knew he could rely on you. You, above all others in his life, were the one who had his best interests in heart, even among others he loved - who also loved him dearly, but couldn't summon, for their own good intentions, the same insight as you.

And in the most desperate predicament you both found yourselves in, you did not let him down. At the moment when he could no longer escape from nor hide his suffering, you did what you had to do and his faith in you was rewarded.

You did the right thing. You gave him peace. You did not betray his trust.

None of this helps, I know. It's raw, it's wretched and it really hurts. I wish I had words that could ease what are feeling. He was lucky to have spent his life with people who loved him and with you, who did right by him until his last breath and beyond.

With love and sympathy to you xx

@LabelleLabelle Thinking of you today as you start on the horrible process of grief. I can honestly say I cried more and for longer than over any of the multiple family losses (all old and expected) we have had a in recent years. I was like a tap for a few weeks. Yet they were good tears and over the six months that have passed I have made gradual progress.

My little lad is in his wee box in our sitting room with his bowl, collar and lead in the bag, just in case he needs them. I think he’ll be there for a long time.

Take care and remember the good times which will actually account for probably 99.9% of his life.xx

So sorry OP. Loving an animal is tough at times.

Thanks. Last night was so tough. I kept waking up expecting to see him jumping onto my bed. I just feel like there is huge hole that will never be filled. My kids are older now and I can’t have more, and I think he was my surrogate baby.

I wish I could get my brain to stop racing. All the times I went out when I could have stayed home with him, all the times I worked too late. All the times I was too busy to be with him. I feel like such a bad dog owner. I let him down. I didn’t walk him enough. I wasn’t always with him. Even yesterday I had to work in the morning. I wish I had just been home all day with him

We had just been on a short break in March (without him) and I came home and realised he was not feeling well. He only lived 2 months after that day. I counted up all his steroid tablets this morning he never even finished the course as they didn’t work. The cancer grew so fast. How long was it growing and I didn’t know? Could I have noticed it sooner? Was he in pain at the end? He was bleeding inside we realised towards the end. It had spread everywhere. If we did chemo would he have lived longer? Did I let him down?

sorry I honestly think I need some kind of grief counselling, it’s too overwhelming

He didn’t know any of that op, dogs don’t dwell on things the way we do. What he knew was the sound of your beloved voice and your gentle hands when he went to sleep. You did the best and bravest thing for him and he knew you loved him right up until the end. It’s so hard especially as you had to focus more on his ill health in order to convince the others it was the right decision so of course it’s going be at the forefront of your mind. You were his only advocate and you did a brilliant job of looking after him when it mattered the most.

im sending you the biggest most unmumsnetty hug. If you feel like you need grief counselling then absolutely look into that. You don’t have to get over his loss quickly at all, he is your beloved boy

It will take time
Bear with me on this but there are some studies about playing Tetris can help with intrusive thoughts after a trauma. Worse case is it doesn't help so might be worth a go

Try and remember all the times you said you loved him, took him to places he liked, anything good

The Blue Cross have a pet bereavement support service - Blue Cross Pet Bereavement Support Service | Pet Loss.

I know it's so easy to say and so hard to do, but try not to torment yourself with how he might have been feeling. The PP is right; dogs don't think of things in those terms. Chemotherapy might have brought him time, but at potentially great cost in terms of suffering, and perhaps not all that much time. I lost my second dog Tess to cancer aged just 7 (and my last dog last year, she was only 10). Tess had chemotherapy; it gave her another year or so, but she was young and determined to fight. My last dog was gone within days of her diagnosis - it was pancreatic cancer, which is often hidden and by the time it's spotted it can already be too late. The vet said we could have tried treatment, but it would have brought her weeks, not months, and ones of much pain.

You did the right thing at the right time. If he was in greater torment I'm sure you would have made your decision earlier, you would have known.

"What if...?" is a cruel and powerful concern. You gave him a lovely life.

And the trouble is, however long you hold them, stroke them, walk them, tell them you love them, it is NEVER enough. You always want just ONE more kiss, just ONE last look, just five more minutes... and that's the one thing you can't have.

The pet cremation service who took care of my dog and returned her to me also sent a packet of forget-me-not seeds; that was a nice gesture, something to sow and grow in their memory.

Look after yourself, and please don't torture yourself. You have nothing to reproach yourself for. x

Thanks I am going to contact the Blue Cross for some support.

one more kiss one more cuddle - that’s exactly it.

I know it is self torture I need to focus on good positive things. He was SO happy when he was well. I know this deep down. I also know he knew I loved him. He brought me a favourite toy to the door yesterday when I got home and I have slept with it and take it everywhere and never want to let it go. I’m not even sad he died in some ways - he could not live any more he was too sick. I am sad about just not making the most of what I did have when I had it and taking it for granted

He is getting individually cremated and I think they will call to find out what I would like soon.

you have all really helped me with your kindness I thank you so much. I am just a stranger and you are all so kind ❤️

I haven't read the whole thread but you gave him lot of love and a good life and you absolutely made the right decision.

I need to find good things to remember and laugh about. One moment yesterday I had my face in his fur crying after he has passed away, and the vet was trying to be kind and said ‘he was a gentleman’ and I burst out laughing and said ‘god no he wasn’t, you are just lucky he didn’t hump you he loved doing that’

he was a ridiculous dog, always like a 2 year old, so bloody funny and silly and basically untrainable - I gave up trying because I would always laugh at him too much. He ruined all my carpets with naughty cheeky wees cos he didn’t like the rain outside, he was always crusty and stinky and always made everything into a silly game

OP your feelings are all very normal and I have felt them myself with past dogs.

PTS was just the least worst of a set of shitty options. I still find it somehow wrong and unsettling, even though, after decades, I know the score.

If your DDog could make a will, to who or to what would he bequeath the love you gave him? He has gone back to Mother Nature now and all he needs is to be remembered fondly. My experience is that the key to moving forward and healing, is to find somewhere to put all that love you gave him, which is now going spare.

My vet said som,ething very wise to me when I hesitated over having my late husband's dog put down. There were connections obviously that I was sad to lose, and the dog still had some quality of life. The vet said, 'The last day doesn't have to be the worst day,' so I tok the decision while she still had some enjoyment left. She was very ill, and I could see that it could get very nasty very quickly. The vet came ot the house and she died eating cheese with me holding her.

Hi OP. I commented earlier on in your thread and just wanted to come back to offer my sincerest condolences on your loss. It's such a sad time and you need to grieve in the same you would for any loved one. It's a little over three years since DH and I last had to make the decision (just before first lockdown), but it still hurts sometimes.
When DH and I got our first dog, 30-odd years ago now, we both agreed that we would give said DDog the best life we could and then call it a day at the first signs of serious issues. It's very hard, but we've stuck to it for all our successive DDogs and have been there with each one when they've passed. Feel sad, but try to remember the happy times, too.

That’s beautiful @Paperbagsaremine.

Thank you xx
his cremation is today, I feel better about that as don’t like the idea he is all alone and cold without me. I know he’s not really ‘there’ but his little body, now I know he’s gone for good and I will get back a part of him to keep forever

We did the right thing @LabelleLabelle. ddog left home about 20 minutes ago and I’m absolutely devastated but I’m so relieved that he’ll never know suffering.

I’m so sorry 😞
Virtual hug from me, take care of yourself. ❤️
We did do the right thing. They are not suffering. We are, but we also got to experience unimaginable joy from them so the pain wasn’t for nothing. That’s what’s hard, losing the joy they bring to our lives. X

I know exactly what you are going through OP It’s three and a half weeks since I lost my darling girl, at one point I thought I had to see a doctor or a counsellor as I just couldn’t cope with not only losing her but the recriminations on myself of things I should of done, I thought I was losing my mind. What has helped is watching some coping with pet grief videos on YouTube and making a little area by my fireplace to honour her, I have her ashes in a lovely casket, her picture, collar and some fur in a glass box and each night I light a tea light beside her picture and it lights up her beautiful face and I still talk to her mad as that sounds but it does bring me some comfort. The whole process of making that decision to let her go, her dying in my arms and then dealing with the grief and recriminations has honestly been the worse thing I have ever experienced (and am still experiencing) I don’t think I will ever get over it in all honesty, I’ve just got to learn to live with it and without her somehow, you are not alone in how you feel, it’s truly hideous.

@LadyVictoriaSponge i will look into this, thank you. I think having some kind of little area in my house to go to for him with his things will be better than what it’s like now having his ghost just all around with all his things everywhere. Your entire routine has to change and that’s so hard. Your area sounds so lovely. We are getting paw prints but I didn’t keep any fur.

This is also feeling like the worst thing I’ve ever experienced which feels dramatic but I know it is because I was his ‘mum’ and now I have no one to mother anymore - my DC are older, I am no longer with a purpose, no longer needed. Dogs do not grow up, they are eternally children, you don’t get to watch them go off and have happy grown up lives, they just leave you.

I am glad to hear that you have found some comfort and I really do thank you for taking the time to give some to me today x

So sorry for your loss OP. Be kind to yourself you did the right thing.

Yes if you can make a little area in your house to honour him I do think that will give you a little bit of comfort especially once you get his ashes back. I know exactly what you mean about the routine, it’s like your whole world has suddenly completely changed in an instant, until they are gone you don’t really realise how much they were completely entwined in everything you do during the day from the moment your eyes open to last thing at night, and then….nothing, it’s so, so hard, and then you have to contend with deafening silence, just awful.

You are not being dramatic at all, you have lost an extremely close member of your family who you loved and cared for all his life, and who relied totally on you for survival and love, it’s a completely unique and special relationship that only us dog lovers understand, be kind to yourself, your dog loved you and he knew that you loved him