An alcoholic returning to booze after sobriety is a choice not a damn disease

[Violet143]

So it ends. A blissful 9 months of abstinence where it felt as though I finally had some semblance of a mother back for the first time in 15 years. She reached rock bottom last year and was hospitalised, went through medical detox etc. I broke NC of almost a year and supported her, like a mug, as she really seemed to have had a wake up call. She had counselling, at my expense. She was upfront that the drinking was boredom and habit, not some massive trauma response.

Last week she made the conscious choice, whilst in complete sobriety, to return to the booze. Why? She was bored and didn't have much "in her life" ...other than supportive children and grandchildren who love her, as worthless as we are.

I've heard alcoholism referred to as a disease, just like cancer, except you don't go and buy more cancer from the corner shop when it runs out - do you?

It's a choice, especially when you don't have the additional complication of physical addiction to contend with.

I'm so sick and tired of all of the excusing the behaviour and this is exactly why I couldn't stomach another session of Al anon.

Do you strongly disagree if so why?

Have you been to Al anon or similar. Could really help you.

I agree that can be the case for some alcoholic parents. It wasn’t for mine though. Alcohol harmed them and eventually killed them. It’s not always a choice and some keep going even when they are harming themselves.

Alcohol is mentioned on both their death certificates as part of the cause of their deaths. I don’t think I can go into exact details of their deaths due to the talk guidelines.

Thank you - I ve bought the book AA for friends and families of Alcoholics, and I am taking steps to address my processing of the influence of alcoholics on my life.

I was groomed to look after the alcoholic and the fall out, also punished for not supporting damaging secrets. I understand my lense is not neutral.

Private counselling helped me a lot .

From what I’ve read I believe it was ‘medicalised’ so that health insurance would pay for treatment and rehab etc in America. Before that it wasn’t seen as a disease.
My own DH has struggles with alcohol which he has done really well fighting. FIL and late MiL both alcoholics, alcohol killed his DM. My own nan was an alcoholic also- and also died as a result of her addiction. I don’t see it as a disease at all. I do believe some people have addictive personalities, and I am aware that my husband is more pre disposed to be an alcoholic having been raised by 2 alcoholic parents. My own DF went the opposite way and doesn’t drink at all having seen how it affected his mother. I do believe it is a choice, it might well be a hard choice to fight against but it is a choice. FIL is currently gearing up for a bender- making arguments with everyone who is close to him so that he can have an ‘excuse’ to hit the drink. This is a very very well worn routine.

I'm amazed that people with such personal experience of alcoholics still assume its a choice, like deciding which sandwich to buy in marks and Spencer.

Totally agree with you…..I have a disease I didn’t choose, it’s life limiting. You choose to drink, smoke, take drugs and eat too much food….I find it very hard to sympathise with those that made a conscious choice to harm their body and their families.

But people don't CHOOSE to be addicted to drink, food, drugs etc. No-one chooses addiction.
There's a massive genetic compononent as well as learned behaviour, its not a concious choice to be an addict.

So much hostility and misunderstanding and downright lies on here.

@shammalammadingdong it's the usual shame and stigma addicts receive that they are just being lazy idiots and could easily not be addicted if they only saw sense.

Society is not ready to consider addiction as something that needs medical intervention, possibly repeatedly or lifelong. An addict is just a weak individual at the bottom of society.

They don’t. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t responsible for it when they end up that way.

Actual it very much can mean they are not responsible for it.

If you come from a family of addicts and its all youve ever known and you have a strong genetic component as well, youre not responsible in the same way as someone who just really enjoys a drink.

THIS x 100000000000

Correct, no one chooses addiction. But you can, and should choose to overcome that addiction, and choose not to go back to it by using again.

If we are going to be literal about “being responsible” for it, then I don’t think the definition fits for most cases of alcoholism
”be responsible for something/doing something: to be the person who caused something to happen, especially something bad”

Do alcoholics cause their alcoholism? No, I do not believe they do. Yes some are too weak to fight it off, but that doesn’t mean they caused it.

It’s not as easy as simply choosing to overcome. 🤨

I do agree that addictions are a disease. And I do believe that some people with addictions are completely powerless over their disease and without the help of a 12 step programme they will never truly recover, althiugh they might manage periods of abstinence sometimes. What I cannot say is whether your mother is truly an addict and therefore truly powerless. Only she knows.

I also believe that your feelings are valid, and justified, and important irregardless of anything else.

Are you? Do you think there could be a reason why so many people with close personal experience of alcoholics have formed that view, or do you think they’re just all wrong?

I can understand it (I am one) but anger and resentment aren't going to help them heal.

As if its that simple!! You can't simply choose to stop, if you can you wouldn;t be an addict.
If everyone could just decide not to drink or take drugs and just not ever take them again, we wouldn't have an issue, would we? Everyone would just do that.

YANBU op I know how hard it is I once dated an alcoholic he was about to start detox when I met him he wanted me to help him through it he stayed with me for a week while he started the detox it didn’t last 5 minutes before I caught him drinking again I remember asking him if he wanted to
me to take him to the hospital so he could speak to all alcoholics dying from liver failure so he could see how he would end up it didn’t work so I broke it off with him I wasn’t going to waste my life with someone that expected me to help him get off the drink when he didn’t care enough to help himself. I lost my uncle to liver failure he was a heavy drinker started drinking when he was working on the docks if there was nothing to do they would all go and sit off in the pub until there was a job to do he only stopped drinking 12 years before he died after he got diagnosed with diabetes it was too late by that point the damage had been done he had a 3 year old son when he passed away at the age of 63. When I was care assistant I looked after a lady who was suffering from alcohol related dementia she wasn’t that old I don’t think people realise how much damage alcohol does to their body and mind until it’s too late it’s not a disease it’s an addiction and most people don’t care enough about the people round them to want to stop because nothing else is more important than the next drink.

I wonder if you stopped to think if the people dying of liver failure would have appreciated being used like monkeys in a zoo.

Also noone chooses to die of liver failure.

I do understand how frustrating, devastating and sad it is living with an alcoholic. But it's an addiction, a mental illness, and people get to the point where they have very little control. On the flip side, those that do manage to give up properly are absolute heroes in my mind as its so bloody difficult.

I think a lot of people claiming that aren’t being entirely truthful.

I think it’s a choice to pick up the first drink and I am an addict. I think the views based on “lived experience” of addicts are more valid than most on this thread.

No one said it was simple. But human beings can do difficult things.

Sorry, which first drink? Because my first drink was in utero and I had many later drinks added to my baby bottle….