Page 9 | To be upset by this

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 2023-05-21T16:24:36+00:00

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live. Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week. DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead! AIBU for being upset?

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 21:05

You seem to really hate them. Maybe your DH could drive over to them for the 4 hour round trip that you refuse to do

Bloody hell! Yes I "refuse" to take up a day of my holiday to sit in a car after already driving a very long way to get to the bloody holiday in the first place. What a ridiculous comment. DH isn't driving over there either. That is not what we have spent money to do at all. We are every bit as entitled to a holiday as they are.
Honestly, I wish we'd never booked it. I'm just going to stay at home and let DH go with the kids. One way or another it's ruined now anyway.

OP posts:

LucyIoo · 21/05/2023 21:09

It's not a ridiculous comment. You don't want them coming to you, fair enough. You've not seen them for 4 months, they'll be 2 hours away and you can't spare a bit of time to go over and see them, yes it's your holiday but this is your DHs parents. Does he want to see them? Or is it just you that doesn't?

Seems insane to spend your week at home and miss a full week with your DH and children just because his parents want to visit. That seems drastic.

aloris · 21/05/2023 21:17

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:25

Except their kid (DH) does want to see them..

Please believe me when I tell you he's really not that bothered. He has just gone for the easy life and decided to upset me rather than his mum.

He has crossed your boundaries by unilaterally deciding for you that your holiday will no longer be a break but instead will be partially about hosting his rude parents. It's only an easy life for him if you allow him to walk all over your boundaries instead of making it very, very clear that his behavior is not ok and that he has to fix it or there will be problems.

phoenixrosehere · 21/05/2023 21:26

LucyIoo · 21/05/2023 21:09

It's not a ridiculous comment. You don't want them coming to you, fair enough. You've not seen them for 4 months, they'll be 2 hours away and you can't spare a bit of time to go over and see them, yes it's your holiday but this is your DHs parents. Does he want to see them? Or is it just you that doesn't?

Seems insane to spend your week at home and miss a full week with your DH and children just because his parents want to visit. That seems drastic.

Does he want to see them? Or is it just you that doesn't?

You could read OP’s posts where she has answered these questions.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 21/05/2023 21:28

YADNBU! Can you call them and be blunt and say we don't want to see you? I do feel sorry for your DH but I would be pissed off at him and them. Ignore the other PP who are trying to goad you and make you feel guilty, if you wanted to see them you would have already arranged it.
I wouldn't stay at home, I would have to tell them not to come. Especially after your update about them being short with your DD. Xx

WoofWoofBeachLife · 21/05/2023 21:30

LucyIoo · 21/05/2023 21:09

It's not a ridiculous comment. You don't want them coming to you, fair enough. You've not seen them for 4 months, they'll be 2 hours away and you can't spare a bit of time to go over and see them, yes it's your holiday but this is your DHs parents. Does he want to see them? Or is it just you that doesn't?

Seems insane to spend your week at home and miss a full week with your DH and children just because his parents want to visit. That seems drastic.

You're just being goady, she doesn't like her in laws ffs. 🙄 read the updates. Why should OP give up any of her hard earned break to people please.

sandyhappypeople · 21/05/2023 21:31

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 21:05

You seem to really hate them. Maybe your DH could drive over to them for the 4 hour round trip that you refuse to do

Bloody hell! Yes I "refuse" to take up a day of my holiday to sit in a car after already driving a very long way to get to the bloody holiday in the first place. What a ridiculous comment. DH isn't driving over there either. That is not what we have spent money to do at all. We are every bit as entitled to a holiday as they are.
Honestly, I wish we'd never booked it. I'm just going to stay at home and let DH go with the kids. One way or another it's ruined now anyway.

What a mountain out of molehill. To all those people saying they’d rather cancel than have a conversation with someone to de-invite them after they invited themselves.

“Sorry PIL, there’s been some confusion, the holiday is just for the 4 (4?) of us, we’d love to meet up another time when it’s convenient for all of us though”

grow.. a.. fucking.. spine.. woman!!

TellingBone · 21/05/2023 21:43

Short of a rift between your daft DH and his parents I think this one has to be managed and partly written off. Lessons learned and never to happen again.

Is there any way you could chuck money [rail fare] at this?

Get your DH [as a penance!] to at least pin them down to a day or two at the beginning or end of the holiday. He goes with the kids. Depending on when they are there, you then either get a train to the destination when they've gone, or you go home via train before they arrive.

OhwhyOY · 21/05/2023 21:51

If the relationship with them isn't that great anyway I'd just say no, how bad can it be? If they're annoyed and give you the silent treatment you get even more peace! Tell DH he needs to prioritise his nuclear family. Call them up and say 'we've been thinking about it and actually we don't get many opportunities to just spend time alone with the kids so we'd like to do that this time round. Let's plan another trip for another time.' Then if it gets awkward have 'problems' with phone signal and hang up and switch your phones off for a bit 😁

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 23:16

Jux · 21/05/2023 20:35

I think you'll have to arrange a fab day out for the kids for the full day the ILs are there. Once you get to the place, you say how kind of them to look after the children for the day, and you'll be picking them up at X o'clock, meet you here, bye.

Then you and dh go and do one day child-free, purely adult, purely for the pair of you.

GPs won't be able to ignore kids if they're in sole charge. If you all go in your car they can't leave early and return to your holiday accomm and ignore them. They'll have to feed them and look after them.

Alternatively, you could just phone them up and tell them now that this is your family holiday, which you've needed v v v badly, JUST the four of you together, in order to gel again as otherwise you're looking at divorce.......exaggerate for all your worth of the dire consequences if they insist on crashing it. Emphasise for all your worth the importance of the four of you getting to know each other again, esp as kids are growing. They may be GPs but it's so much more important the kids ahve cohesive, stable and sane Ps first, then GPs. You're happy to see them if they come and stay but life is v full on... etc.

The DGC aren't that fond of their GPs. Why should they have their holiday spoiled?

farnworth · 22/05/2023 06:08

I know you have said that you have decided on an option where you now stay at home. Please do think again. This is a holiday you all need. Your children should be allowed to enjoy their holiday, you should too. If you don’t go, you will miss out, the children will miss out in a relaxed holiday with you, you will feel resentful. It will be obvious to your PILs who could be offended. Your DH could blame you. It is likely to make your relationship with your PILs worse. You then won’t feel much like ever hosting them again in your own home if you feel like they made you lose out on a wanted holiday. It will be a negative experience all round for everyone.

Instead spell this all out to your husband. Explain he either needs to tell them they can’t come as it’s a holiday for the four of you, or you do it. Do it by email if you don’t want to call. Just say it’s precious time for the family, no visitors allowed. What have you to lose - if it makes your relationship with them worse, so be it. At least this way you and the children get the holiday you want and need.
If your husband is resistant to the idea, explain the other option is that you and the children have the holiday, he goes and stays with them.

Bugalogaloo · 22/05/2023 06:26

I feel your pain OP. My ILs offered to take DC camping for a week. Whoopee. Somehow it then turned out we were all going. So my precious annual leave was spent doing that. Not my first choice. Not once did they offer to take DC out or babysit so was just as tiring as being at home.

Get in touch and say - so sorry but we aren’t really planning to do any hosting while away. We really need some quality time as a family so we won’t be having visitors but hope to see you soon.
If you want a bit of a concession you could offer them a lunch meet halfway.
if you really can’t say no to them then DH does ALL the cooking and cleaning.

Really feel feel for you OP. I would be fuming too. As you said, he’s chosen to put his parents feelings before yours.

Hope you enjoy your holiday either way.

Sisisimone · 22/05/2023 07:41

sandyhappypeople · 21/05/2023 21:31

What a mountain out of molehill. To all those people saying they’d rather cancel than have a conversation with someone to de-invite them after they invited themselves.

“Sorry PIL, there’s been some confusion, the holiday is just for the 4 (4?) of us, we’d love to meet up another time when it’s convenient for all of us though”

grow.. a.. fucking.. spine.. woman!!

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Exactly this. This thread is so frustrating. How can you hold down a demanding job OP but be incapable of relaying a simple message to you MIL? Your children deserve a nice holiday too. Stop being a martyr. You and your DH need to grow up and sort it out. Send a text message or an email if you have to.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 22/05/2023 08:00

If your dh says it's a done deal then I'd make it very clear that entertaining them and hosting them is entirely on him. I don't think it's fair on the dc for you to stay at home as they have an issue with the gp staying too and don't want to give up time listening to grown ups talk. So another boundary I'd set with dh is that of the dc want to spend a day on the beach the day the IL arrive, you take them, and if in the following day you'd got a day at the zoo planned, if the IL don't want to get up at 8 and come with you, he either stays with them or they get left alone, but either way you and the dc go.

If they are staying they either fit in and around your plans or they simply get to stay in the digs alone. If dh doesn't like that, HE stays with them but you and the dc can up and leave at any point for any reason - such as 'mum can we go and get an ice cream? Yes dears let's go now, anyone else want to come? Nope, ok see you a bit later, dh can you get the tea in for when we get back please?

Azealeasinbloom · 22/05/2023 08:50

Catching up after posting last night.

To my earlier comment, as none of you want to see them at this time, DH needs to tell them that you simply all need some down time, with no visitors.

If they are too dense to understand, that’s on them

Starchipenterprise · 22/05/2023 10:53

Wouldn't be surprised if the in laws learned their emotional blackmail tactics from Mumsnet threads. Besides there are many examples they could just copy from some of the posts already here!

I am older and certainly do not consider that I don't have much time left. I make the most of my life.

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 10:59

I'd be annoyed too.

But, OP, I think this can be saved. You just need to chill out a bit over the imposition and figure out a way to do so. Your DH will need to be onboard, but if he is not bothered they surely he will be.

I would do this - tell the ILs they can't come. One of the days your DH can take your kids to meet them, at theirs or half way. You can have a day to yourself and it doesn't ruin the holiday. Sorted, and no reason for the whole holiday to be ruined over this.

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 15:47

@Nordicrain “You just need to chill out a bit over the imposition and figure out a way to do so.”

Why should she? And why should her DH take the kids on a long car journey to see them?

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 15:55

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 15:47

@Nordicrain “You just need to chill out a bit over the imposition and figure out a way to do so.”

Why should she? And why should her DH take the kids on a long car journey to see them?

For her own sake, to have an enjoyable family holiday and not have to stay behind.

Lunde · 22/05/2023 16:24

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 15:55

For her own sake, to have an enjoyable family holiday and not have to stay behind.

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So having driven 8 hours to holiday destination (16 hours round trip) - OP's kids should be bundled into car for an almost 6 hour round trip to inlaws who basically ignore the kids, with a DH who is not bothered about seeing his own parents, basically losing 3 days to travel of a week's holiday?

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:25

@Nordicrain - she doesn’t have to stay behind, and nor does the family. And they don’t need to see the ILs at all. None of them. It’s their family holiday.

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:30

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:25

@Nordicrain - she doesn’t have to stay behind, and nor does the family. And they don’t need to see the ILs at all. None of them. It’s their family holiday.

That's true.

She can also just say no to seeing them at all. Which I would, but she seems unwilling to do.

My point is there is just no need to declare the whole thing is ruined and she won't come. It is fixable. Either by just saying no entirely, or if DH wants to see his parents or doesn't want to say no, by just arranging them to go for one day.

No sure how a 2 hr journey each way (or as I suggested - meet in the middle somewhere) would take 3 days @Lunde

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:33

@Nordicrain @Lunde makes a good point -
One day of travel getting there
One day of travel to get home again
4 hour round trip to see ILs for lunch (actually 6 as they’re 3 hours away, not 2) = another day filled with travel.

Altogether this is 3 full days of travel, which is too much when you’re only away for 7.

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:36

Even meeting in the middle for a 1.5 hrs each way to see people no-one wants to see is too much travel when your 7 day trip is book-ended by 8 hour journeys.

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:38

Well the travel days are there anyway, they are not impacted by seeing the inlaws @AnnieSaxophone

My point simply is that surely it is better to find a way to enjoy the family holiday that OP apparently so desperately needs, than to be furious and refuse to come altogether. It can easily be fixed - either by sticking to her guns, or coming up with a compromise.

Honestly, i am struggling to see how that is massively controversial.