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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

279 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:24

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/05/2023 16:39

I feel so sorry for you.

I would be absolutely apoplectic at your husband.

I think your husband needs to tell them they cannot come, it doesn't suit a.d thats it.

Let him deal with it.

I really wouldn't care.

None of you want to see them and this is your only holiday.

I wouldn't have a minutes guilt over it either.

He can drive over and visit them but no way would they be visiting.

Put your family first.

Your husband is an awful idiot.

Such unnecessary drama.

I would want him to sort it because he needs to learn from it.

Their grandchildren don't want them visiting which tells you everything.

How really selfish of your husband to needlessly inflict this upset on you when you are already so worn out and in need of a break.

Twat.

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:43

@Nordicrain I didn’t mention anything about your points being controversial. I’m stating why, based on what the OP has said and is feeling, that I think ‘a compromise’ isn’t a reasonable / palatable option for either the OP or the kids.

Aside from the above. Phrases like ;'You just need to chill out a bit’ and ‘the family holiday that OP apparently so desperately needs’ come across as patronising.

Lunde · 22/05/2023 16:44

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:30

That's true.

She can also just say no to seeing them at all. Which I would, but she seems unwilling to do.

My point is there is just no need to declare the whole thing is ruined and she won't come. It is fixable. Either by just saying no entirely, or if DH wants to see his parents or doesn't want to say no, by just arranging them to go for one day.

No sure how a 2 hr journey each way (or as I suggested - meet in the middle somewhere) would take 3 days @Lunde

Show quote history

@Nordicrain - a full day of travel to get there (8 hours), an almost 6 hour round trip to IL (OP's update says she has checked and it is almost 3 hours each way to IL house - possibly more with bad traffic) then a full day home (8 hours)

Nordicrain · 22/05/2023 16:49

AnnieSaxophone · 22/05/2023 16:43

@Nordicrain I didn’t mention anything about your points being controversial. I’m stating why, based on what the OP has said and is feeling, that I think ‘a compromise’ isn’t a reasonable / palatable option for either the OP or the kids.

Aside from the above. Phrases like ;'You just need to chill out a bit’ and ‘the family holiday that OP apparently so desperately needs’ come across as patronising.

Right, well fair enough. Let's all fuel the anger instead so that OP focuses on that rather than actually getting the holiday she wants. Stuff your rude ILs OP! Your DH is a useless twat OP! You teach him and them what CFs they are by refusing to go! It's all ruined anyway, so why sodding bother!

Better?

Oh we could say hey op, deep breath. I get your a pissed off, it is rude and your DH should speak up, but focus on your holiday with your family and making that happen.... because let's be honest, no matter how justified her anger is, this IS fixable and refusing to go is only going to such for OP and her kids. Nose and face and all that.

mistlethrush · 22/05/2023 17:07

I would work out exactly what I was going to do with the kids that required a whole day out, leaving after an earlyish breakfast and leave DH and his parents to it. And repeat the following day if necessary. Oh, and retire to your room with a book after supper because you're 'tired' from a day of looking after the kids...

Lolalady · 22/05/2023 18:34

I run an Airbnb and it would not be unreasonable to tell your In/laws that you have only booked for 4 people and therefore they cannot stay with you. I don’t know of course if there is an extra bedroom where you are staying but if you’ve only booked for 4 then very likely the beds will only be made up for 4 people. Your DH should tell his parents, sorry you can’t stay with us

goodbyerye · 22/05/2023 18:44

How old are your kids and where are you going!

Im trying hard to imagine what a relaxing holiday with kids in the UK looks like

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 22/05/2023 18:54

Just because you happen to be related to them doesn't mean they get to decide what happens in your lives never mind how your precious holiday is shaped!
If you don't want it ils shaped just tell them.
Dh needs to tell them your holiday is fully scheduled..
End of.

AllyArty · 22/05/2023 19:12

holidays with the in-laws = yuck! Sorry if I missed this but how much of your holiday will they be with you-2 days out of 7? Is there anywhere that you can go for a day when they are there - like the hairdresser, cinema, shopping. I would be pleasant but quiet with them and disappear for some time on your own. A sort of silent protest- show DH that he needs to consider your feelings and whilst you are prepared to put up with it you don’t need to be present the whole time.

JudgeRudy · 22/05/2023 19:15

I wouldn't want to share my holiday with ILs but my real annoyance would be with OH for going ahead and making these plans without discussion. I'd be so angry I might actually decide to do something else for a day or two whilst he sees the ILs.

ReachForTheMars · 22/05/2023 19:21

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:25

Except their kid (DH) does want to see them..

Please believe me when I tell you he's really not that bothered. He has just gone for the easy life and decided to upset me rather than his mum.

He either needs to tell them or you can. If you do it then even if you piss them off you teach DH that he will be uncomfortable whether he does it or you do it. And you doing it will be worse for him.alternatively, TELL him that you WILL be using that day to take yourself to the soa or stay in with a good book and he is on PIL and child duty.

Stressybetty · 22/05/2023 19:29

Agree with giving DH an ultimatum, either you stay home and he goes with the kids or he tells his parents it's not on. He needs to put you first. Shouldn't be difficult for him to tell them this holiday is just for you, him and kids this time. However you run the risk of them turning up anyway if they know where you're staying. Otherwise leaving DH at the accommodation with his parents while you and the kids carry on as planned and have days out.

Fluffmum · 22/05/2023 19:53

Juiceboxxy · 21/05/2023 17:45

So in 20 years time, your kids move 8 hours away from you, they book a holiday 2 hours away which is doable in a day but they don't want to see you. That heartbreaking. They haven't see their son in 4 months, they won't be around forever, a much shorter time than they'd like ...

Let them come for the day, build relationships with their grandkids. Say they won't be able to stay but you'd love to see them Tuesday for xyz....

Exactly. Well said

Lonelyranger · 22/05/2023 20:16

I would be livid. My sil did this to us. Arrived at hotel late at night there they all were. Spoilt the whole holiday for us.

Jewnicorn · 22/05/2023 21:03

So you have booked and paid for a
holiday for your family, and now your in-laws have declared they’re coming for part of it and will be staying with you. Have they offered to cover any of the cost of the accommodation as they’re planning on using it or are they just expecting a free holiday?

I’d be livid. I adore my in laws and would be happy for them to join us on any holiday but I suspect part of the reason for that is that they are not the sort of people who would ever dream of gatecrashing. My own mother though, you couldn’t pay me enough to holiday with her; we would end up killing each other.

I hope you’ve managed to talk some sense into your husband and he is willing to tell them not to come. I think having to ring them and tell them myself would ruin the holiday for me too because I would go knowing that my husband would rather upset me than them.

Sainte · 22/05/2023 21:14

Have fun with the whole family. Relax, it’s good the Grandparents want to see you all.

kristie1988 · 22/05/2023 21:40

id be pissed off

OliveWah · 22/05/2023 21:46

Since you don't like them anyway, and the alternative is that you don't go on your much anticipated holiday, you really have nothing to lose by saying/texting/emailing something along the lines of:

Hi ILs

I understand you were hoping to join us on our upcoming holiday to X. Unfortunately, this won't be possible as we need some time together as a family. We have all been looking forward to having this time just the 4(?) of us, and having 2 extra guests just doesn't work for us. Catch up with you when we're back, @shortandpaleandoldandugly & family

I wouldn't give a monkeys about upsetting them - they clearly don't care that they're upsetting you - but please don't give up on your holiday, don't let them spoil it for all if you!

manticlimactic0 · 22/05/2023 22:22

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:48

Come on. You could give over a day to it!!

Yep, I could. I could give up the whole week. I don't want to because I want to relax on my one holiday with my own kids and DH and not have to play hostess to visitors.

Then don't play hostess. Inform him he is the host to his parents as you're on holiday and stick to it. Don't lift a finger

YANBU

joycies · 22/05/2023 22:30

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:30

@GalileoHumpkins thanks! I am- to the extent I'm considering cancelling the holiday all together and booking somewhere else.

That's exactly what I was going to suggest. Nobody upset, nobody uncomfortable and the 2 of you get your getaway ! Easy Peasy

Talkingfrog · 22/05/2023 22:33

Ynbu. I think I would be a bit upset by that too.
I am saying that as someone who gets on great with my mother in law- she has joined us on a few holidays at my suggestion.
( we once did a 4 night break with my parents and my mother in law. Only problem was everyone trying to be flexible to what everyone else wanted- so I made a decision on what to do 😀)

Caravanheaven22 · 22/05/2023 22:35

pikkumyy77 · 21/05/2023 17:34

The situation is just inherently different fir the in law vs the child. Adding your in laws makes it a guest/host situation but adding one’s patents makes it a family event. Of course the DH and his parents see this as easy and fun while for OP it transforms the event into a more formal, work, style event. I would refuse and tell DH that it is not the holiday you want.

Why??
the husband's parents are not welcome but the mothers are ????
absolutely stupid statement

Lysianthus · 22/05/2023 22:43

Tell you MIL that you have all recently become naturists and they are welcome to join you as long as they respect the dress code.

TroubleIn9aradise · 22/05/2023 22:58

I haven't RTFT but just wanted to agree with the majority of posters who agree that YANBU and they have massively overstepped making the assumption it's fine to join you.

Are your ILs my friend's? As I've just posted a very similar post about our friends booking (and paying for, non refundable at this short notice) to holiday the same place as us this summer, when it's too late for either of us to change and mine and my husband's only trip away together

SW2002 · 23/05/2023 00:00

He may simply want to see his family.... do yours live closer meaning you get to see them often? A bit unfair on him surely?

However he should have run it by you, and they should have run it by him before inviting themselves.

I think the only way out now without causing trouble is to get on to them and nail down when they're coming. Perhaps talk to DH and say you're prepared to accept (say) 2 days of their company... then schedule their arrival for the last 2 days of the holiday so they can't overstay as you're all going home anyway.