To be upset by this

[shortandpaleandoldandugly]

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

Oh, god, how awful and tactless of them. My ILs planned to come and stay with us at our home, tacking us on to the end of their lovely holiday as a couple in Croatia, and I said, no, we will meet you in France, we will have much more fun if we are all on holiday together, exploring a place that is new to all of us. Perhaps they thought this inhospitable and unkind, but having hosted them many times before, I wasn't willing to do so again, and be chief cook, bottlewasher and tour guide! I was polite and straightforward, they accepted it, and I am now looking forward to seeing them, not dreading it!

I would urge you to be similarly straightforward with your ILs. "Sorry, we seem to have given you the wrong impression about having guests on holiday with us. This particular week is a much needed break for the four of us, and we want to relax just the four of us, after a hard old slog of a year. But we are looking very much to seeing you when you are visiting later in the year, as planned, and that will be lovely when we're all recharged by this break." Or something on those lines.

They shouldn't have barged in, and they shouldn't need telling, but since they have, and they do, you mustn't feel bad about sticking up for your holiday!

Have you read any of OPs updates?

Your DH needs to tell them it isn't an option for them to stay in your holiday accommodation after all. Then he needs to find somewhere mid-way between their home and your holiday accommodation and book lunch for you all for one of the days.

You have then compromised by giving up a chunk of one day to meet them, the children are better off, your PILs get to see their DS and DGC and you all get a decent ,meal out.

I would conceded that much and absolutely nothing further.

They’re your husband’s parents and unless there’s a massive back story you’re sounding so horrible. How on earth will you feel in 25 years if your child’s spouse acts like this?

To some of us it wouldn’t be an issue because we wouldn’t invite ourselves on someone’s holiday. Family or not, that is a rude thing to do.

Saying that, I would have them come if it meant they wouldn’t visit later and the DH entertains them while OP and the kids do something.

Training as a nurse. In a sense I'm fortunate in that I did it at a time when there was a bursary and didn't have to pay fees so I'm not saddled with debt from the training.
However I am stuck in a career that I loathe with a pretty low ceiling for earnings and a vocational degree that doesn't offer any prospects to do anything outside of what I trained for.

Posted to wrong thread somehow. Apologies

No, I wouldn't do that. Do you know what else I wouldn't do? Cancel a much needed and wanted holiday, upsetting my children in the process just because didn't have the balls to tell my parents that unfortunately they are not welcome that week. If you or your DH aren't grown up enough to speak to them just send them a polite but firm message. Cancelling is just madness

@Aquamarine1029 same

It would be infinitely preferable to them coming to stay for 3 days

I would absolutely hate this. Can you say to DH that either he uninvites them or you will (as kindly as possible)?

I am not an in law, but find the assumptions made about in-laws (usually husband’s parents) are often toxic on here. So many posters get outraged in a disproportionate way! Maybe the in laws are pushy but it sounds like they hardly see their son. They are not the Antichrist. All the son had to do was politely make an excuse. It is not too late to do this. Problem solved.

OP, people have made various suggestions. As I see it, you have a few choices.

1. cancel the holiday - everyone misses out - the ultimate “cutting off your nose to spite your face”
2. accept your ILs staying for a few days, which messes up your holiday
3. get your DH to tell them they’re not welcome, improving your holiday but risking causing a permanent rift
4. try and find a compromise eg drive to meet them for a day

What’s done is done, and you need to decide on what to do now.

I think part of the problem is that they don't get it. They don't see how hard we work, how relentless life is and they have forgotten what it feels like. I work very long hours in a demanding job and have a busy home life too. I am, genuinely, knackered. So knackered that we considered not going away because I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of it. Having decided to go, I'm so upset at having our plans stamped all over and feel it just shows their lack of understanding of us.

They wouldn't look after the kids even if they stayed all week. They literally never have and they kids wouldn't want them to.

And in answer to the comments about reaping what I sow- never ever can I imagine imposing myself on the holiday of my own child. If I did, I hope to goodness they would be confident enough in their relationship with me to tell me to sod off.

Maybe the in laws are pushy but it sounds like they hardly see their son.

Perhaps there's a good reason for that?

Even if not, surely they could have suggested visiting for an afternoon or all meet for a meal an hour away?

You're right @KittyAlfred

Discussions with DH will continue later re which option to go for. We won't cancel it as I've checked the small print and we won't get a full refund. Me not going and DH taking the kids is an option though.

YANBU OP

XH did this to me. He didn’t even tell me until we arrived at holiday destination.

I really wish I had taken the car and driven home, but I didn’t want to upset the DC.

As you have prior warning, I would just tell him you aren’t going.

Tell your spineless husband that yes you are upset and if they gate crash it will ruin your holiday. He has two choices, he tells them not to join you or, he accepts you will cancel the holiday and go as far as you can in the opposite direction.

There isn’t another solution as you are not sharing a minute of your hard-earned holiday with them.

Now IS the time to play hardball on this one.

Good luck!

Op you really need to take back control of the situation. I think you need to say something otherwise you will just stew and it will spoil the holiday. Message and explain that as much as it would be nice to meet up this long awaited holiday is a chance for you all to recharge and spend time together as a family. Say I’m sure you understand how important this is etc but we would be more than happy to meet one day half way for lunch. This way you meet on neutral territory and it’s for a limited time. If they don’t like it then tough.

My ILs invited themselves on our first family holiday when DS was three months old for 2nights. I haven't really forgiven them for imposing themselves, or myself for not voicing my feelings on the matter.

Tip of the iceberg though, when I'd just given birth, they came round to eat smoked salmon and scrambled eggs DH made in a knackered haze, hold the baby, then fucked off leaving all the washing up (we didn't have a dishwasher at the time).

Some people just lack empathy.

There isn’t another solution as you are not sharing a minute of your hard-earned holiday with them

This is it. And I know I might seem out of order but honestly, I don't want to spend any of my holiday with visitors. One day, two days whatever. I just want a holiday with my family of 4. That's what we booked and paid for. I don't want to have to "perform" for guests, or encourage the kids to tidy up so we are presentable when they arrive. I just want to chill out!
And, for the record, it's not an IL thing because I'd feel exactly the same way about my own family coming. Truth is, they wouldn't dream of asking let alone demanding.

YANBU OP I feel sorry for you being put in this position. I'd be furious with DH for putting you there. My honest opinion would be that a refusal to go on holiday would backfire and upset everyone possibly damaging your marriage and permanently damaging relationship with your ILs. Maybe they stay for 1 night and you could arrange for a spa day or treat nearby on the day they are there with DH, give one evening to eating with them and all is well. I know a family who fell out over something similar, ended up siblings becoming estranged, everyone taking sides etc. All over a stupid few hours on holiday.

OP if you don’t enjoy their company it might be worth giving up one day of your holiday so they don’t come visit you later this year for longer! Could you go to them rather than them coming to your holiday home, so they are hosting rather than you?

I think meeting them for lunch half way would probably be a good option- yes it’s annoying but probably than a half day out and about and then no cooking, faffing with tidying the place (which you absolutely shouldn’t do but obviously feel you have to). I think you’d find that much less stressful than having them in your space.

I think boundary setting here is critical. Your holiday is your holiday and I wouldn’t care a jot about the notion of having to compromise that to avoid conflict. It would be a hard no from me. Potentially meet for lunch on the way up or the way back but otherwise, absolutely not!

I feel for you because I'd be raging. It's the fact that it goes from a holiday where you do what you want on your own terms to having to accommodate others. If you are at an airbnb etc rather than a hotel things like breakfast becomes an extra chore. It doesn't sound like they are the type to sort themselves out, more so that they'll have an expectation you will cater for them. The only advice I can give is that you carry on with preplanned activities and if they want to come along they can but you leave at a set time, no waiting around.