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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

279 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:24

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

OP posts:
thecatsmeows · 21/05/2023 19:50

My parents did this to their friends, a young couple in their mid 20s, when I was 12. There was an age gap of about a decade between my parents and the friends, the friends also didn't have any children. The friends mentioned they were going on holiday to a nearby country, next thing I know myself, my two brother and my parents were going to the same place on the same dates...even at age 12 I cringed with embarrassment when my parents told them...the holiday was ok, but I did get the distinct impression a couple of times (particularly from the husband) that they would have preferred to be on their own...

Your in-laws are cheeky bastards and your husband is a twat for throwing you under the bus. Let him take the kids on his own and you have your own holiday somewhere else.

CurlewKate · 21/05/2023 19:52

Unless you hate them, it seems to me to be utterly bizarre to choose a holiday location near to parents and not plan to visit them!

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2023 19:52

OP so don’t tidy up don’t sit around chatting politely to them.

tour husband invited them, he can sit around chatting politely you and your dc can disappear out exploring or doing an activity or anything.

I would make sure husband who invited his family spent the time and energy with his parents. So in future he’d understand very clearly that inviting people without discussing it with me will always result in the inconvenience being all his.

your husband is never going to put you first unless not doing so is worse for him.
a lot of men do that because their wives/girlfriends pick up the slack, do the hosting.

I just wouldn’t. I’d smile cheerily and tell IL’s oooh husband is sooooo looking forwards to spending time with you both.

then I’d leave them to it

TeenLifeMum · 21/05/2023 19:55

I totally understand and it’s really hard to not sound rude to pil but we had the same at Easter and I had to say “no, we need family time and space to reconnect and recover.” Dh was very understanding but I’m not sure pil understood.

7eleven · 21/05/2023 19:57

Can you ask your husband to phone them tonight and explain that you want a quiet week by yourselves, maybe softening it by getting a date in the diary for a meet up?

Definitely better to do it sooner rather than later. He shouldn’t have agreed to it without speaking to you first.

GreenIsle · 21/05/2023 19:58

Perhaps say you had to rearrange the holiday due to (make some excuse up). Then just go anyways

CovertImage · 21/05/2023 20:04

God, how fucking depressing this thread is

QueefQueen80s · 21/05/2023 20:08

CovertImage · 21/05/2023 20:04

God, how fucking depressing this thread is

Yep, very depressing that OP has rude inlaws.

saraclara · 21/05/2023 20:09

Eleganz · 21/05/2023 17:56

OP, surely you knew that this was a possibility when holidaying relatively close to them? If you really dislike them that much, why do that? What not holiday somewhere else?

Mumsnet really hates in-laws doesn't it?

I loved my inlaws very much. But I'd still have been annoyed if they'd invited themselves when I really needed a rest from everything.

But of course they wouldn't have done. Which is why we sometimes invited them (when we were having a break where having others around worked for us)

saraclara · 21/05/2023 20:09

CurlewKate · 21/05/2023 19:52

Unless you hate them, it seems to me to be utterly bizarre to choose a holiday location near to parents and not plan to visit them!

It's not near them. It's TWO HOURS AWAY!

Dibbydoos · 21/05/2023 20:11

They talked to you DH, he OKd it all. I'd talk to him properly about it. He must know you don't get on, but hes prioritising them over you, wtf. I'd be pissed off too. They are CFs and your DH needs to grow a pair.
But dont change your plans. Be in charge of when they come over - it's just 1 night stay ie 2 days only. And make sure you have arrangements they can't get involved in for the rest of the break. Just be clear this is your family break, so you need that time to yourselves. You can then get seeing them over and done with and won't see them for 12m - result!

Def visit your parents, don't neglect them too xxx

viques · 21/05/2023 20:13

But by driving for hours and ending up nearer to them you have unintentionally sent a message to them “ look, we are choosing to holiday closer to you, come and see us/stay with us”. You have been the architects of your own downfall.

FernGully43 · 21/05/2023 20:17

Yanbu. It changes the dynamic and not what you signed up for. Even if you got in well with them, nothing says you still can't have a holiday in your own with husband and kids

FernGully43 · 21/05/2023 20:17

Got on well*
On your own*

LittleOwl153 · 21/05/2023 20:25

Personally I wouldn't give up my holiday nor dump my kids in the shit because their dad is a baby when it comes to his mother.

I'd be telling him either HE tells them they can't come or you will. And if they show up anyway I would take the kids our, leave him to it and say they had better be gone by the time you get back.

I think the pure disrespect of both your inlaws initially and your DH towards you in agreeing knowing what this holiday means to you would have me VERY angry.

Original poster
shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 20:26

Unless you hate them, it seems to me to be utterly bizarre to choose a holiday location near to parents and not plan to visit them!

It's really not near them. In fact, I've just Googled the distance and it's closer to 3 hours away than 2.

OP posts:
Blondewithredlips · 21/05/2023 20:26

That is just dreadful of your DH. I would be very upset about this.

JennyMule · 21/05/2023 20:28

YADNBU. What is DH doing to resolve matters?

JenniferBarkley · 21/05/2023 20:29

I adore my in laws and I'd be gutted tbh.

I do think you should tell them no, but I know I wouldn't have the guts in truth. If they do come, do not change one second of your plans. Don't make the kids sit and listen to dull adult chat, do what you would be doing if it was just the four of you.

Jux · 21/05/2023 20:35

I think you'll have to arrange a fab day out for the kids for the full day the ILs are there. Once you get to the place, you say how kind of them to look after the children for the day, and you'll be picking them up at X o'clock, meet you here, bye.

Then you and dh go and do one day child-free, purely adult, purely for the pair of you.

GPs won't be able to ignore kids if they're in sole charge. If you all go in your car they can't leave early and return to your holiday accomm and ignore them. They'll have to feed them and look after them.

Alternatively, you could just phone them up and tell them now that this is your family holiday, which you've needed v v v badly, JUST the four of you together, in order to gel again as otherwise you're looking at divorce.......exaggerate for all your worth of the dire consequences if they insist on crashing it. Emphasise for all your worth the importance of the four of you getting to know each other again, esp as kids are growing. They may be GPs but it's so much more important the kids ahve cohesive, stable and sane Ps first, then GPs. You're happy to see them if they come and stay but life is v full on... etc.

Thepossibility · 21/05/2023 20:46

No. No.No!
I've stayed in holiday accommodation with in-laws.
It's all about them. What they want for dinner (MIL insisted on cooking every night so we'd save money but we LIKE going out to eat on holiday!)
Sitting and chatting and feeling awkward trying to pull away.
Even what they like on the telly.
Only going where they wanted to go and waiting for them to get ready to do so!
People on here implying you're mean by not having them are wrong.
You would be absolutely sacrificing an enjoyable holiday for a tedious, very long, visit with the in-laws.
I'd be gutted if I was your kid.

Neiiighbour234 · 21/05/2023 20:52

Do they have the actual address details yet? If your DH tries to tell them no and they don't listen to him, I would be sorely tempted to let them have the wrong address and just block them on your phones for the week!

But of course that's easy for a stranger on the internet to say who won't have to live with the consequences...

Good luck OP - I hope you manage to get a proper break to yourself.

NameChangeNumber359 · 21/05/2023 21:00

Looks like you have three options: 1. change the holiday; 2. Husband and children go without you; 3. Somebody tells the ILs that they're not welcome. Option 1 is a ballache and will cost you money and Option 2 would be such a shame for all of you.
I can't see what's wrong with Option 3 ie the truth: 'Hi Jeff and Maureen, we really need a week away, just the four of us. We will see you some other time'. I know it should be your husband delivering the message but quite honestly I'd do it myself if it meant a happy family holiday free of unwelcome gatecrashers.

vdbfamily · 21/05/2023 21:01

Are your kids old enough to stay in alone? Could you let them come for one night and have an evening out with your husband whilst they babysit. Either that or meet halfway for a day to show willing.
But I am someone who puts a lot of import on family and desires having very difficult in law's, would always try and make time to see them regularly.

LucyIoo · 21/05/2023 21:02

You seem to really hate them. Maybe your DH could drive over to them for the 4 hour round trip that you refuse to do.

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