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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

279 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:24

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 23/05/2023 00:11

YANBU, I'd be furious with in laws and DH.

He needs to tell them it's a holiday for the four of you, you're not having visitors, you're looking forward to seeing them later in the year.

Outrageous behaviour.

Are they offering to chip in for the cost of the home or literally just expecting you to fund and host a free holiday for them?

SkyandSurf · 23/05/2023 00:12

SW2002 · 23/05/2023 00:00

He may simply want to see his family.... do yours live closer meaning you get to see them often? A bit unfair on him surely?

However he should have run it by you, and they should have run it by him before inviting themselves.

I think the only way out now without causing trouble is to get on to them and nail down when they're coming. Perhaps talk to DH and say you're prepared to accept (say) 2 days of their company... then schedule their arrival for the last 2 days of the holiday so they can't overstay as you're all going home anyway.

Read the thread.

He's not fussed seeing his family.

She has gone much longer without seeing her family.

SkyandSurf · 23/05/2023 00:20

OliveWah · 22/05/2023 21:46

Since you don't like them anyway, and the alternative is that you don't go on your much anticipated holiday, you really have nothing to lose by saying/texting/emailing something along the lines of:

Hi ILs

I understand you were hoping to join us on our upcoming holiday to X. Unfortunately, this won't be possible as we need some time together as a family. We have all been looking forward to having this time just the 4(?) of us, and having 2 extra guests just doesn't work for us. Catch up with you when we're back, @shortandpaleandoldandugly & family

I wouldn't give a monkeys about upsetting them - they clearly don't care that they're upsetting you - but please don't give up on your holiday, don't let them spoil it for all if you!

Yeah this.

I have toxic in laws. I spent so much energy trying to accomodate their rude and unreasonable behaviour because I didn't want to 'upset them'.

My revelation came when I realised they did not give a flying fuck about upsetting me. So why was I tiptoeing around them?

The social contract has already been broken by them. So you are free to 'upset them' if that's what stating your boundaries results in.

'Hi In laws, so nice you offered to drive out to visit us during our holiday. However this is a much needed family holiday for just the four of us and we aren't hosting visitors. Looking forward to seeing you in September. Sorry if DH had his wires crossed when he spoke to you.'

And if you want to give as good as you get 'If you are really keen for an grandparents family holiday, we would love to come later in the year when we have more leave- just let us know what dates you're thinking before you book and we'll be there with bells on'

Cheeky fuckers.

Winter2020 · 23/05/2023 01:08

Why can't your husband just tell his folks that you want your holiday just the four of you. Yes they might be offended but surely most people would understand a family like a holiday just them together sometimes. Just get him to tell them he's sorry they got the wrong end of the stick but it is a holiday for the 4 of you. Job done. If they sulk they sulk.

SkyandSurf · 23/05/2023 01:44

The "unless you don't want to see us" line is manipulative.

That doesn't mean DH has to fold in with their wishes.

'Hi Mum, you know we love seeing you. But this is a holiday we planned for just the four of us and we're not having visitors this time. We can't wait to see you in September.'

user1492757084 · 23/05/2023 04:20

Stick firmly to them just having a day trip and be positive about that. You specify the exact day (or give them a choice of two dates.)
Plan the time so that you are outside, active, rambling etc. and also having nice pub meals, which they are likely to spend walking with you a bit, their son and their grandchildren and you are not cooking for them.

You can't not invite them now - unless you all comedown with Covid on the holiday. So,you might as well cheerup and take control and choose not to be upset.

suburbophobe · 23/05/2023 04:49

He has just gone for the easy life and decided to upset me rather than his mum.

As said on MN, you have a husband problem.

As a mum too, exhausted with work, parental care, kids, etc. I'd be telling him to take the kids on his own..... Though I know that's not feasible with such young kids.

So you're there, let them come and ask him to do the domestics. Time he learnt.
I'd be off to the local pub for a coffee and a book

Spicypeanuts · 23/05/2023 05:26

YANBU! I love both of my ILs dearly and live with them - BUT - even I don't go on while family holidays with them and my BILs. The dynamic is something I don't enjoy and frankly, I find it a bit oppressive.

whenitsover · 23/05/2023 05:26

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2023 17:39

I would cancel the entire trip or inform the inlaws they are not invited, and I would gladly tell them why. They don't give a fuck about your feelings, why should you care about theirs?

This. And given your dh made this mess leave him to clear it up.

your in laws are presumptuous and out of touch with reality of being at work

your dh made a twatty decision given he may feel guilty about not seeing his parents but that does not mean he can mess up your holiday!!

ShandaLear · 23/05/2023 05:30

Just get to the holiday place and then phone and tell them you’ve all come down with COVID.

Thislife1 · 23/05/2023 05:58

Please don’t cancel your holiday. It sounds like you really need it. I would let them visit for the day but let DH entertain them and you take the opportunity to go out for part / all of the day - go for a walk, go for lunch, go for a massage. Don’t let them stay over - I agree that changes the dynamic of your holiday. DH made the arrangement, he can deal with them!

Thislife1 · 23/05/2023 06:04

And you can’t generally allow more people to stay in your accommodation, even if you have a spare bedroom. If they are planning to stay over tell them the accommodation won’t allow it.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 23/05/2023 06:17

You're not BU.
After a really tough run for us, I booked a holiday in the same country for me and my DH and we invited two friends. I actually regret inviting them because it changed the whole dynamic. I wanted a few days for us to relax and get away from it all - esp as we lived with my ILs at the time. Them coming changed it and they wanted a strict itinerary for each day and it became us having to entertain them.
Sometimes you just want to relax, and don't want to have to run around after other people.

InsomniacVampire · 23/05/2023 06:19

Well,hope your husband enjoys his holiday with kids and parents, do book something nice for yourself and go on your own!

Mainlinethehappy · 23/05/2023 06:22

Thislife1 · 23/05/2023 05:58

Please don’t cancel your holiday. It sounds like you really need it. I would let them visit for the day but let DH entertain them and you take the opportunity to go out for part / all of the day - go for a walk, go for lunch, go for a massage. Don’t let them stay over - I agree that changes the dynamic of your holiday. DH made the arrangement, he can deal with them!

This. This this this. treat his error of judgement as an opportunity - I did when my DH did the same. However, my planning was set and I ended up in a Tescos coffee shop for a couple of hours writing postcards.

MinnieMountain · 23/05/2023 06:42

I’d give him until the end of today to tell them they can’t come, then do it yourself if he doesn’t.
They clearly don’t care about your feelings, so why should you care about theirs?

Beachhutnut · 23/05/2023 06:51

'Thanks for coming, DH and I could really do with a little escape for some couples time, kids be good for Grandma and grandad' and you leave them with the kids and you and DH book in somewhere for 2 nights for adult time....

TravelDazzle · 23/05/2023 06:55

Beachhutnut · 23/05/2023 06:51

'Thanks for coming, DH and I could really do with a little escape for some couples time, kids be good for Grandma and grandad' and you leave them with the kids and you and DH book in somewhere for 2 nights for adult time....

I think OP wants to spend time with her kids and DH, and the kids aren't happy to be looked after by the GP, but the GP have never looked after them or taken much of an interest in them either.

Paq · 23/05/2023 07:10

Tell them you've planned all your days out/activities. Don't tidy up or "host", leave that to your DH. Don't sit around making adult talk. Spend the time exactly as you would if they weren't there.

I feel your pain.

ZoeDavoMCR · 23/05/2023 07:46

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:30

@GalileoHumpkins thanks! I am- to the extent I'm considering cancelling the holiday all together and booking somewhere else.

I’d feel the same but I think you are being very unreasonable to be considering cancelling the holiday and booking somewhere else. How bad will it be? Seeing your in laws for a couple of days, is it really the end of the world? Why can’t you still kick back and relax with them there? I’d say stop overthinking it and just go with the flow. If it was me getting the opportunity to see my parents and my husband actively tried to stop it happening I would be really upset

Zoomycat · 23/05/2023 08:00

Please don't stay home and allow your DH to take your DC while the in laws are there. If they were rude to them last time you saw them, they will be again and you won't be there to help your children process that. Go on holiday, make plans to go out and leave your DH to entertain them. I know its not the holiday of 4 that you planned but at least you and your DC will have a lovely time. 😊.

Dontlikeveg · 23/05/2023 09:56

I like your way of thinking 👍

Bluebells1970 · 23/05/2023 09:56

I would absolutely stay at home. That way, DH has to explain to the DC and his parents why you're not there.

Let him feel the consequences of his action. He's ruined this holiday, not you.

Lunde · 23/05/2023 13:15

Thislife1 · 23/05/2023 05:58

Please don’t cancel your holiday. It sounds like you really need it. I would let them visit for the day but let DH entertain them and you take the opportunity to go out for part / all of the day - go for a walk, go for lunch, go for a massage. Don’t let them stay over - I agree that changes the dynamic of your holiday. DH made the arrangement, he can deal with them!

OP's update says that it is almost 3 hours each way - I can guarantee that ILs are not going to drive for 6 hours (possibly longer if traffic bad) and just stay for the day

Madamum18 · 23/05/2023 16:49

The real solution is for your DH to ring them up and tell them that on reflection he has decided that it would be best to stick to their original plan of visitingbuou at home later in the year. He tells them that you all need a complete break with just the 4 of you. That it is nothing to do with not wanting to see them and he would assume they would understand that

Any other outcome will result in a repeat performance at some point

DH needs to change the dynamic with his parents!!!!