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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

279 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:24

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:33

And thats your issue. Not the ILs being rude

I don't disagree. Their rudeness is an issue too though.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:33

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:12

Is there even enough room for them to stay or are you in a hotel?

Sadly there is.

Shame it's been double booked then and you'll be somewhere smaller...

Or, you think I Don't Care and tell them yourself that you don't want them to come

diddl · 21/05/2023 18:33

Well if no one is bothered about seeing them then he either tells them no it doesn't work or he cancels the holiday & books something else.

Dedodee · 21/05/2023 18:34

Your dh is upsetting you rather than his dp’s.
You need to upset in-laws and dh rather than your dc.

7eleven · 21/05/2023 18:35

Ffs unless they’re the demon seed surely it won’t kill you to be polite for a few hours.

They’re your husband’s parents and unless there’s a massive back story you’re sounding so horrible. How on earth will you feel in 25 years if your child’s spouse acts like this?

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:36

RunningFromInsanity · 21/05/2023 18:20

His mum is his family.

Show quote history

Not his immediate family.

They had no business inviting themselves especially as it looks like the only person they want to see is their son as they're not bothered about their DGC

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:36

RunningFromInsanity · 21/05/2023 18:23

Except their kid (DH) does want to see them..

Show quote history

Not particularly it seems

And he can go for a weekend on his own another time

Needmorelego · 21/05/2023 18:38

Don't 'host' - leave that to your husband.
Have a planned list for what you are doing each day - you and the kids do it. Husband can join if he wants.
Don't sit around doing boring adult talk. You and the kids do your thing. If that means noisily playing monopoly in the evening/watching a film on TV/having a water fight in the garden or whatever then tough to them - they will either have to find somewhere else to be or put up with it.
Essentially.... ignore them as much as you can.
If they moan - well say "I had planned what we were doing....you decided to come".

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:38

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:31

Are your husband and kids happy about ILs joining? How much weight is given to their feelings?

DH not bothered either way. Kids upset as they feel they'll lose holiday time to sitting politely listening to dull adult chat (they are correct in this assumption as this is very likely to be the ILs plan). ILs were quite sharp with our youngest when we last saw them so she is the least keen. I was upset by the way that they spoke to her then- especially given the limited time they get to see her.

So if the holiday continues as planned, do whatever it is you had wanted to do. Don't sit in with them

And if they speak badly to your DC then you speak up!

Gitfeatures · 21/05/2023 18:38

Whilst he should undoubtedly grow a pair and tell them not to come, if the main concern is the holiday peace (rather than his spinelessness when it comes to hs parents) can you give him an 'out' to use? ie your parents had already asked to join you and been told no, so you don't want to create bad feeling by having the other set of IL's turn up either.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:39

7eleven · 21/05/2023 18:35

Ffs unless they’re the demon seed surely it won’t kill you to be polite for a few hours.

They’re your husband’s parents and unless there’s a massive back story you’re sounding so horrible. How on earth will you feel in 25 years if your child’s spouse acts like this?

It's not just a few hours...

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 21/05/2023 18:40

They’re planning on staying in your holiday home?!

FUCK THAT.

Your DH needs to get on the phone and tell them you’re happy to meet up one day (if you’re ok with that OP & I’d do it on the last day) but staying really isn’t an option.

The brass neck of them!

MysteryBelle · 21/05/2023 18:41

I’m sure next time you’ll spell it out to your dh at the beginning to not say a word to his parents. As far as they know, you’re not taking a vacation, they will not know until you get back. No details as in, they don’t even know you’re planning and then taking the vacation. You’ll have to give dh exact phrases to use when he’s interrogated. Write them down and keep them under his nose at all times with a copy written in his phone. Do a dry run where you pretend to call him up as his mother. And he can say on repeat, “Not planning on doing anything right now.” “No, no plans, we’re busy.” “There’re no places we’re even considering.” “We’re busy, no holiday.”

Then plan and go on vacation. When you get back don’t even mention it until they call him and if it can’t be hidden any longer, he can say “we just got back from a short break, it was last minute.” Repeat and repeat, do not give any details. Just say “We were able to get some rest.” That’s it.

I would be so upset, op. Cancel it and start again without clueing them in.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/05/2023 18:41

Just tell them you've had to cancel the holiday...something has come up workwise maybe.. if you're both not that concerned about upsetting them if they somehow find out later it won't be too much of an issue.

Havehope21 · 21/05/2023 18:41

I would be fuming... but given you don't have a great relationship with them anyway, could you say that you already have things booked every day? Just be rather light and breezy about it and say 'that would have been great if we had known earlier, but we decided to make the most of our trip and have things planned every day - let's meet up later in the year when we can catch up properly'

KittyAlfred · 21/05/2023 18:42

I think this is fixable.
Just get your DH to tell them that the place you’re staying doesn’t allow extra people to stay, and that you’ve already made lots of plans for the week, but that you will all drive over to them one day for lunch.

7eleven · 21/05/2023 18:43

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:39

It's not just a few hours...

Show quote history

It could be, if the op has made unchangeable plans for the rest of the days…

I’ve got a brother in law that I haven’t seen in about 35 years because he was horrible to my child, so I’m not all Waltons about families.

Original poster
shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:43

but that you will all drive over to them one day for lunch

That would be a four hour round trip, for lunch, during our holiday in which seeing the ILs was never on the agenda. Would you do that? Honestly?

OP posts:
MsCactus · 21/05/2023 18:45

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:36

Not his immediate family.

They had no business inviting themselves especially as it looks like the only person they want to see is their son as they're not bothered about their DGC

Show quote history

I'm on the OP's side here but just had to say - HOW is someone's mum not their immediate family?!

Your mum and your kids are literally the closest family you can have. Your mum and you were one person at one point!

GoodChat · 21/05/2023 18:45

Could you meet them half way for lunch? So it's only about an hour each way for everyone and doesn't take away too much from your break?

Winter2020 · 21/05/2023 18:45

Their message that they will come “unless you don’t want to see us” just needed replying to quickly to say “sorry - it’s not going to be possible for you to join us - we plan to ….spend all day white water rafting/cycling/having Rubiks cube races (whatever floats your boat) - add that you are looking forward to a little time just doing what the kids enjoy after a hectic few months but we are really looking forward to your visit at (planned time).

You needed to - and still need to tell them kindly that their visit is not what you want and clashes with your own plans. The sooner you told them this the easier it would be.

In future holidays don’t tell them of your plans in advance unless you are able to be clear if it is just for your nuclear family.

5128gap · 21/05/2023 18:47

Given how they are with the DC would it work for DH to say something like
'I'm not sure it will work out for you to join us in Cornwall. I think the children are going to get bored with us chatting and catching up when they'll want to be out and about. The holiday with them is pretty full on, so its probably not going to be ideal for you either. How about instead we meet half way between Edinburgh and Exeter in a few weeks?'

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 21/05/2023 18:49

Juiceboxxy · 21/05/2023 17:45

So in 20 years time, your kids move 8 hours away from you, they book a holiday 2 hours away which is doable in a day but they don't want to see you. That heartbreaking. They haven't see their son in 4 months, they won't be around forever, a much shorter time than they'd like ...

Let them come for the day, build relationships with their grandkids. Say they won't be able to stay but you'd love to see them Tuesday for xyz....

This.

Im horrified that given the distance, the OP has such an issue with this. You reap what you sow, and don’t be surprised if this is your preferred family way of seeing relatives that your own DC don’t follow suit in years to come.

darjeelingrose · 21/05/2023 18:50

If you say where you are going perhaps we can suggest alternative places that have a similar vibe (or tell you it's crap there to make you feel better about cancelling).

SunflowerLovers · 21/05/2023 18:51

I’d happily tell them I don’t want to see them during my holiday.