Page 3 | To be upset by this

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 2023-05-21T16:24:36+00:00

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live. Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week. DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead! AIBU for being upset?

Eleganz · 21/05/2023 17:56

OP, surely you knew that this was a possibility when holidaying relatively close to them? If you really dislike them that much, why do that? What not holiday somewhere else?

Mumsnet really hates in-laws doesn't it?

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:57

It doesn't matter how lovely they are, how infrequently you see them, how convenient it is for them, whether or not you can make the best of it...fact is, you wanted, planned and invested in one thing and they turned it into something else. YANBU

Exactly this.

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gamerchick · 21/05/2023 17:58

Cancel it. Book another one and tell husband he's not getting the details until the day you leave.

He's obviously been kyboshed by them and that's a shame. But no way would I give up an only holiday to spend it with people I don't get on with.

Sheila21 · 21/05/2023 17:58

Juiceboxxy · 21/05/2023 17:45

So in 20 years time, your kids move 8 hours away from you, they book a holiday 2 hours away which is doable in a day but they don't want to see you. That heartbreaking. They haven't see their son in 4 months, they won't be around forever, a much shorter time than they'd like ...

Let them come for the day, build relationships with their grandkids. Say they won't be able to stay but you'd love to see them Tuesday for xyz....

I completely agree. As an older person, 60s, time is running out. Can’t you tolerate them? They would probably be upset if they knew how upset you are. 4 months is a long time not to see your son and grandchildren. Your DH is the one to blame.

frazzledasarock · 21/05/2023 17:59

I wouldn’t suck it up. I’d change the holiday. Or actually I’d tell them yeah I don’t want them coming down and imposing on your holiday.

and as I don’t like them anyway I really wouldn’t care how that was received. Because frankly they know it’s out of order imposing on a family holiday and are doing it anyway and adding a good dose of emotional blackmail to ensure you don’t say anything.

but then I’ve had a complete lifetimes full of being nice to people who don’t really give a shit about me. So I really don’t care

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:59

The thing about it being 2 hours from them is that it's a really lovely place that I know the kids will love. It's bloody unfair that we should never be able to go with our own kids on holiday to anywhere within a 2/3 hour radius of the in laws!

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Azealeasinbloom · 21/05/2023 17:59

YANBU at all. How would it be, if instead of them crashing your holiday, DH and the DC spent a day at theirs? You could find a nice spa near your holiday destination, and DP could diplomatically tell them you really need some down time without the DC.
That way he gets to see his family, and you get left in peace, while the in-laws don’t have to put up with the 4 hour round trip during busy holiday season..

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:00

@frazzledasarock I like your style, I really do

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diddl · 21/05/2023 18:01

they have decided to join us for part of the week.

And your husband just agreed to that?

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:02

That way he gets to see his family, and you get left in peace, while the in-laws don’t have to put up with the 4 hour round trip during busy holiday season.

But DH and our kids do?! He's really not bothered about seeing them! It's them who have imposed on us and he's been blackmailed into agreeing to it through emotional manipulation. If we wanted to go to theirs we would! We do, often!

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Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:02

And your husband just agreed to that?

Yep

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gamerchick · 21/05/2023 18:06

Sheila21 · 21/05/2023 17:58

I completely agree. As an older person, 60s, time is running out. Can’t you tolerate them? They would probably be upset if they knew how upset you are. 4 months is a long time not to see your son and grandchildren. Your DH is the one to blame.

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Why should anyone tolerate being imposed on? Getting older isn't an excuse. I don't give a toss how many years people have left to live. You get out of life what you put in. You dont use emotional manipulation to get your own way. It's the mark of a dickhead, no matter how old you are.

GalileoHumpkins · 21/05/2023 18:06

Juiceboxxy · 21/05/2023 17:45

So in 20 years time, your kids move 8 hours away from you, they book a holiday 2 hours away which is doable in a day but they don't want to see you. That heartbreaking. They haven't see their son in 4 months, they won't be around forever, a much shorter time than they'd like ...

Let them come for the day, build relationships with their grandkids. Say they won't be able to stay but you'd love to see them Tuesday for xyz....

That's the kind of emotional blackmail that really grinds my gears.

marshmallowmatcha · 21/05/2023 18:08

He should have asked first.

I suggest you take your kids out for daytrips without them (including DH). He is a plonker.

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 18:09

Sheila21 · 21/05/2023 17:58

I completely agree. As an older person, 60s, time is running out. Can’t you tolerate them? They would probably be upset if they knew how upset you are. 4 months is a long time not to see your son and grandchildren. Your DH is the one to blame.

Show quote history

I'm in my 60s too (but don't feel "time is running out" 🤨) and would not dream of gatecrashing my adult children's one annual holiday. How massively selfish and thoughtless that is.

If OP's in laws don't see their son and grandchildren enough, her husband should be making an effort to see them more. Not allowing them to intrude on his family's only holiday. Bearing in mind that his parents have multiple holidays of their own.

PinkShoelacesAandAPolkaDotVest · 21/05/2023 18:09

Is there even enough room for them to stay or are you in a hotel?

I think your husband is going to have to tell them that you all need a time as a family to be on your own, doing your own thing without having to think of hosting/being tied down to other people’s timetables.

marshmallowmatcha · 21/05/2023 18:09

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:02

That way he gets to see his family, and you get left in peace, while the in-laws don’t have to put up with the 4 hour round trip during busy holiday season.

But DH and our kids do?! He's really not bothered about seeing them! It's them who have imposed on us and he's been blackmailed into agreeing to it through emotional manipulation. If we wanted to go to theirs we would! We do, often!

Ah I see.

Then you all go off and do your thing and just ignore their attempts to meet up. If they ask say sorry if you'd asked we would have explained it is much needed family bonding time.

ukhgf · 21/05/2023 18:10

I can see both sides of this, 4 months of not seeing them and then being that close and not organising something, it doesn't sound great. But appreciate it depends on the dynamics at play.

Oysterbabe · 21/05/2023 18:11

Maybe they can stay in with the kids and you and DH can go out in the evening.

eenymeenymineymo · 21/05/2023 18:11

I feel your pain but can you take charge of this holiday upset now & contact your ILs yourself.
Take charge, dont let them have all the decision making power & tell them their plans to visit dont fit in with your holiday week.

BUT - that you could meet for lunch nearby - say, a mutual distance between theirs & your holiday spot - on the last day.
They get to see their son & GC, & the holiday isnt overturned with extras staying.
Good luck.

CCL333 · 21/05/2023 18:12

Where do they think they’re staying? In your accommodation or have they booked their own nearby?

ColdHandsHotHead · 21/05/2023 18:12

Is it a holiday let? If it is, I rather think you'll find that the company has accidentally double booked you and has had to cancel your booking.

Original poster

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:12

Is there even enough room for them to stay or are you in a hotel?

Sadly there is.

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PinkShoelacesAandAPolkaDotVest · 21/05/2023 18:13

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 18:12

Is there even enough room for them to stay or are you in a hotel?

Sadly there is.

Oh bugger!

2chocolateoranges · 21/05/2023 18:14

I'd be fuming. I don't share holiday with anyone bar my own family.

I like going on holiday to relax, make memories and please ourselves. Not other people. Been there done it and was ready to go home after 3 days. Not enjoyable at all.

I'd be telling dh to sort it or I would. I have no tact so dh would sort it out delicately rather than me .