To be upset by this

[shortandpaleandoldandugly]

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

They are unbelievably rude to impose like that and to them use emotional blackmail is disgusting. I'd tell them straight that they aren't welcome and are out of order to just invite themselves. If you don't have a good relationship with them anyway then who cares if it upsets them. Your husband also needs to stand up to them. They clearly aren't coming to have quality family time if they aren't interested in their grandchildren, it sounds more like a way to control all of you.

Indeed and if my kids moved 8 hours away and didn't really want to see me, I'd reflect on why, not guilt trip them into it. Our kids are not responsible for our happiness.

Well he can bloody unagree then can't he! I'd personally be happy with my in laws coming for a day or two, especially if they'd have the kids so me and DH could go out one night, but you obviously don't have that sort of relationship which is fair enough, so just say sorry you got the wrong end of the stick but we weren't actually inviting you.

Note to hubby: next time they do this just say, oh sorry we were looking forward to some family time just us lot, maybe next time...

I'd do it if my DH wouldn't, so stop being so bloody spineless the pair of you, if they've got the brass neck to invite themselves on your holiday, they won't be offended if you disinvite them, and if they are then that's more of a 'them' problem. As if you'd consider cancelling your holiday FFS 🙄

@MrsAnon6 I agree with all of that and the way they've got about asking for details, doing their research about the distance etc and then telling DH their plans is so rude. The touch of emotional blackmail is just the cherry on the cake to be honest. What is maddening is that they'll do all of this, ruin our holiday and then spend all their time ignoring the kids when there anyway.

All this "time is running out" for the PIL stuff is bollocks.

What's to say the OP won't drop dead at the end of her holiday; would she rather have spent her last hours with her DC & DH or trying to entertain her PIL who she doesn't get on with?

Yes, life is short, but we don't necessarily die in the order in which we are born. The PIL could live to 100 and the OP only have weeks left, nobody knows so that really is no argument at all.

If you need this break for your MH OP, then get your DH to tell your PIL that they're not invited.

Because life is short for us all; spend it in the company of people you love.

My sibling decided to invite themselves to the second half of our summer hols. We said no and they booked it anyway! We changed where we were going on holiday!! When we said no, we said we would love to go away for a long weekend with them another time in the year, but wanted our summer hols just us and our children.

I think this sounds like a good compromise.

Next time, don't tell them until you're safely home again!

His mum is his family.

You mentioned an overnight stay on the way to your holiday. Any chance you could do that overnight at your PIL to "save them the journey to visit you" ? Then you could easier refuse to have them stay.
Or is it not the right direction to allow this?

@RobinStrike it's not the right direction sadly. If I named the locations you'd understand immediately but I'm trying (and probably failing) to be a bit vague.

Except their kid (DH) does want to see them..

No you're not being unreasonable! This has happened to us multiple times so I can see why you feel how you do.
It has always worked out ok I have to say but I do get why you're upset.

Well get your itinerary packed up now. Tell dh to tell them you have a one day window.. Shame it won't be worth them driving over... After all everything needs booked in advance now... All booked up.

YANBU. Ridiculous that they’ve invited themselves on your holiday. I would cancel and book elsewhere where it’ll be just you & hubby. Just say you got an amazing deal so changed plans. They can visit you again another time as initially planned.

Except their kid (DH) does want to see them..

Please believe me when I tell you he's really not that bothered. He has just gone for the easy life and decided to upset me rather than his mum.

Are your husband and kids happy about ILs joining? How much weight is given to their feelings?

The ILs very much invited themselves and added "unless you don't want to see us" just to make DH feel crap about saying no.

He needs to practice saying ‘actually, we won’t see you this time. We will make arrangements to see you another time’

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would be livid.

A few years ago, my parents came out got the second week of our holiday. It was an idea I had and me and DH discussed it at length before we even vaguely mentioned it to them.

For your IL’s to invite themselves along to your holiday is the absolute height of CF’s - I would honestly consider changing the location

My mum did this to us, turned up to the holiday park in her camper van.

Thankfully it was okay, as we had 3 toddlers so the extra help ended up being really welcomed. If she did it now though, I think I'd be less enthused.

A long lunch with the woman is taxing 😂

This is very bad form on their part - however your husband has agreed to it without consulting with you.

I'd be taking issue with him. I'd also cancel!

Invite them along on a day trip you were planning to do anyway.
It hardly equates to waiting on them hand and foot for a week.

Emotional blackmail

I'd be furious. I'm not saying id do this but I would want to ring them my self and say sorry we have lots planned and booked up n so meeting this time won't work but we will see you ..,. Or if you are feeling generous give them a day.

Are your husband and kids happy about ILs joining? How much weight is given to their feelings?

DH not bothered either way. Kids upset as they feel they'll lose holiday time to sitting politely listening to dull adult chat (they are correct in this assumption as this is very likely to be the ILs plan). ILs were quite sharp with our youngest when we last saw them so she is the least keen. I was upset by the way that they spoke to her then- especially given the limited time they get to see her.

And thats your issue. Not the ILs being rude.