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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

279 replies

shortandpaleandoldandugly · 21/05/2023 17:24

Long awaited holiday following what has been, one way or another, a tough year. We are not going abroad but in this country to a place some distance from our home (about an 8 hour drive). The location is about 2 hours from when my in laws live.

Having asked DH for the details, which he has stupidly given them, they have decided to join us for part of the week.
DH thinks I'm unreasonable as they live so far away from us we don't see them often but I am upset that our one, short holiday this year will now become a family reunion and not the kicking back, fun week I'd hoped for. We did see the in laws around 4 months ago and they did plan to visit us this year but now won't because they can see us on our holiday instead!
AIBU for being upset?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 18:52

7eleven · 21/05/2023 18:35

Ffs unless they’re the demon seed surely it won’t kill you to be polite for a few hours.

They’re your husband’s parents and unless there’s a massive back story you’re sounding so horrible. How on earth will you feel in 25 years if your child’s spouse acts like this?

A few hours? These people are planning on coming to stay in OP's holiday accommodation!
World you do this yourself @7eleven? Announce that you're joining your adult son's only annual holiday, completely uninvited? Would you pull the OP's in laws' emotional blackmail trick of "unless you don't want to see us"? If so, why do you think it's OK to do that?

GeekyThings · 21/05/2023 18:53

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset, but I do think you're unreasonable to not do anything about it. Which is basically what you're doing at the moment! Tell your husband that he has until a particular time tonight to tell them, or you will be calling them to tell them they're not invited. Just be blunt and tell them it's a kids holiday for your immediate family only, so they're not invited.

If you don't want to get it done then I think the posters above who said lie and tell them they can't stay in the accommodation because of numbers but you'll meet them halfway for lunch is really your only other option, because any other option means you'll have to cancel, and they still be pissed off but so will you because you won't even have a holiday!

honeyrider · 21/05/2023 18:53

OP I'd give your DH the option of getting in contact with them and telling them it doesn't suit and if he refuses just do it yourself.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 21/05/2023 18:54

Aspargustips · 21/05/2023 17:30

Why does it impact what you’re doing
make your plans and do them in laws can join or not 🤷‍♀️

Because maybe she wants time with her family without them?! I’d be fuming and cancel!!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 21/05/2023 18:54

I actually can't believe there are people who invite themselves on someone else's holiday.

Basilandparsleyandmint · 21/05/2023 18:55

I know it’s not ideal for what you want but this is what bothers me about being a mum of a boy.
My two are teens but I plan to try to never knowingly make their lives uncomfortable by wanting to see them / any grandchildren but I do I hope they would want to see us if they were close.
one day out of your holiday isn’t too terribly hard if you don’t them a lot x

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:55

MsCactus · 21/05/2023 18:45

I'm on the OP's side here but just had to say - HOW is someone's mum not their immediate family?!

Your mum and your kids are literally the closest family you can have. Your mum and you were one person at one point!

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Because my kids have their own families and their own homes and their own lives and although I see them quite a lot I am on the periphery of their lives. I don't have to include them in what I do and they don't have to include me.

Parisj · 21/05/2023 18:55

Well, what are you going to do? It doesn't matter what anyone else feels, you are not ok with it. Don't give up your holiday. DH rings 'change of plan, you coming on our holiday is not going to work - let's book in a date for me to come to you instead, or if you really want to stay in this place I'll give you the link and you can book a week for yourselves seperately to us.' He can grey rock them 'it doesn't work for us' 'we planned for a week of family time just us' 'no, that doesn't work'. ASAP.

WhatFlavourIsIt · 21/05/2023 18:57

I personally would love it and my husband knows that but he would still run it by me before inviting them.

Nanny0gg · 21/05/2023 18:57

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 21/05/2023 18:49

This.

Im horrified that given the distance, the OP has such an issue with this. You reap what you sow, and don’t be surprised if this is your preferred family way of seeing relatives that your own DC don’t follow suit in years to come.

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Oh give over.

The in-laws don't actually sound that nice so there's no reason to think the same will happen

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 18:58

Winter2020 · 21/05/2023 18:45

Their message that they will come “unless you don’t want to see us” just needed replying to quickly to say “sorry - it’s not going to be possible for you to join us - we plan to ….spend all day white water rafting/cycling/having Rubiks cube races (whatever floats your boat) - add that you are looking forward to a little time just doing what the kids enjoy after a hectic few months but we are really looking forward to your visit at (planned time).

You needed to - and still need to tell them kindly that their visit is not what you want and clashes with your own plans. The sooner you told them this the easier it would be.

In future holidays don’t tell them of your plans in advance unless you are able to be clear if it is just for your nuclear family.

That's all very well but it was OP's husband who told them where they were going, and agreed to his parents joining them. Not OP.

7eleven · 21/05/2023 18:59

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 18:52

A few hours? These people are planning on coming to stay in OP's holiday accommodation!
World you do this yourself @7eleven? Announce that you're joining your adult son's only annual holiday, completely uninvited? Would you pull the OP's in laws' emotional blackmail trick of "unless you don't want to see us"? If so, why do you think it's OK to do that?

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Are they coming to stay at their accommodation? I wasn’t sure about that. I wouldn’t want them to stay, but I wouldn’t mind if they booked into a b&b nearby for a night.

If my child lived that far away I might plan to be at the same place as them, but we all have excellent relationships and I’d probably be invited, so it is different.

I KNOW it’s a cliche, but I had a difficult relationship with my mum and wouldn’t have taken her on holiday. She’s dead now and, with age and therapy! I now would treat her differently.

Bluebells1970 · 21/05/2023 19:00

I don't get the issue with in laws, I will admit.

But I would be absolutely livid if DH arranged something without discussing it with me first. That's crossing a line.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/05/2023 19:01

I'd be getting DH to call or possibly better, text/message/whatsapp...

'Ah sorry, you guys joining us isn't going to work, our plans for that week are pre-booked and it's not possible to adapt them to include extras and they're not stuff you'd enjoy/be able to take part in. Lets sort out another date for you to come and see us at home.'

They don't need to know that your plans are 'chill out' 'do stuff with the kids' etc but if they will ask just tell them you're all going bungee jumping from a hot air balloon, followed by four days of 'naturist survival camp' in the woods with your naked woodland guides Herschel and Brunhilde - you can't wait to get out there in the mud, catching fish and rabbits, skinning them/gutting them, building fires... all whilst butt naked.

Tooclosetodanger · 21/05/2023 19:02

I’d look at the cost of cancelling and making different plans for another time in a different location. Then next year rebook that same place and don’t mention anything about going away!!

We scrapped plans to go to Disneyworld after DH announced that his parents “had agreed [presumably with each other] to come with us”. Like shit was I doing that. They were apparently going to come and “help” with our DC… despite never being any help ever before. So we pushed back the date of our trip and then covid hit. Still haven’t managed to go and now the prices seem to have doubled!! I’m still bitter that what could have been a wonderful holiday for just us would have had gate crashers

Unicorn2022 · 21/05/2023 19:03

Could you add an extra day on to your holiday so you don't lose a day for them? Could they possibly babysit one night to make themselves useful so you and DH can have a night out. Or can they take you all out to dinner to save you cooking one night?

I think I wouldn't mind this as it would mean that I would be spared them visiting my house shortly afterwards and having to put them up and entertain them at home for a couple of days.

2chocolateoranges · 21/05/2023 19:03

RunningFromInsanity · 21/05/2023 18:20

His mum is his family.

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By family I mean dh and our children. I wouldn’t be too happy if my mum just invited herself either, however she has manners and wouldn’t just invite herself, she’d wait to be asked.

Chocolateandteayummy · 21/05/2023 19:05

What about your DH arranging to meet them at a half way-ish location for lunch one day, with or without the children, giving you a full day to yourself or with the children. It controls them not gatecrashing the holiday, I think that's a good compromise.

brandonflowersmushtash · 21/05/2023 19:06

So, what are you going to do about it OP?

LadyJ2023 · 21/05/2023 19:07

This is totally about issues with your hubby sorry he hasn't taken your feelings into account once or the kids. Get it sorted out! I would be fuming if this happened to our yearly family holiday. Much as I love both family sides its our couple and kids time I can't ever imagine my hubby doing this we discuss everything together and tbh can't ever imagine either side of parents doing it either lol.

worktired · 21/05/2023 19:07

Sounds pretty rubbish OP.

Of course you're well within your rights to say no completely, but if you wanted to compromise, I'd plan activities for every day & tell them that if they come over they'd need to tag along to hand gliding/pot holing etc etc. That way the kids aren't going to miss out/get bored with grown up conversation.

FictionalCharacter · 21/05/2023 19:08

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 21/05/2023 18:49

This.

Im horrified that given the distance, the OP has such an issue with this. You reap what you sow, and don’t be surprised if this is your preferred family way of seeing relatives that your own DC don’t follow suit in years to come.

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Reap what you sow?! I have 2 young adult children and there's absolutely no way I would feel entitled to invite myself on their future family holidays. The very thought makes me cringe. They've organised a holiday with their kids and I suddenly announce I'm coming too? When I've had holidays of my own? Absolutely not. And OP's inlaws aren't even very interested in their grandchildren.

If OP's husband doesn't see his parents enough he should go and see them more. Not agree to them joining in a holiday that's for him, his wife and kids.

Tots678 · 21/05/2023 19:08

Make sure DH does cooking, shopping, chatting and not you. Perhaps have a headache.

notacooldad · 21/05/2023 19:10

I don't think it's ur tbh. Dh gets to see his parents,kids get to see their grandparents. Maybe they could babysit for a couple of hours and you and Dh could ha e some kid free time.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 19:11

If it’s not what you want I would ring them and say we’d love to see you but we need this week as a family - it’s been a tough year - I hope you understand and will be in touch with dates.