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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has RAN AWAY in foreign country.

412 replies

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 22:33

Away with our DC’s, I appreciate the need for downtime but every night I’ve sat alone in silence whilst he watches films.

Tonight i broached this and said I just felt really flat and lonely after 12 days of this, still 2 to go. He said that it’s proven that men don’t need ‘chat and drama’ hence they can happily live alone for years.

I got quite tearful and said I really wasn’t starting an argument, I just wanted to chat of an evening. He kept on repeating that I can speak to him whenever I like, and I explained it would be nice to feel as if I wasn’t disturbing him and him to initiate conversation.

Then he ran away, it’s 12.32am here he’s gone. It’s really rough weather here tonight too and I’m scared. He hasn’t got a key as the fob for the electric is welded onto the key so I have no idea what to do.

aibu to phone the Greek police?

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 20/05/2023 23:14

I would be upset too, if he was too tired to talk or something was bothering him he could explain it in a more civilised way. Running away was pretty childish and considering the circumstances not safe. I would try to focus my mind on something else like reading or watching film, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep in this situation.
You’ve said that he hasn’t drunk for 8 years. It sounds a bit strange how you’ve put it. Was there a problem?

Lockheart · 20/05/2023 23:14

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 23:09

I honestly just feel sick. I can’t call, my SIM card doesn’t work but I’ve not had to try and call anyone before now.

Im so worried.

You can clearly get the internet. Can't you contact any of his family or friends on social media and see if they've heard from him?

lasciviousoldram · 20/05/2023 23:14

I Hope you are ok OP and I'm sure your DH will turn up fine. I really do think you should consider you future with him as he sounds like a selfish wimp.

BillyNoM8s · 20/05/2023 23:15

Namechange9625 · 20/05/2023 23:11

Get online to your mobile provider (mine has an app and I can do this through there) and activate roaming.

Emergency calls are generally free and don't need network connection to call on though. Good luck

Show quote history

It's usually just a setting you need to switch on on your phone. I'm with Three and for Europe once my roaming is switched on, I automatically get charged for a day's roaming as soon as I do anything roam-worthy.

noimaginationforausername · 20/05/2023 23:16

Massive talk needed when he finally gets back, he doesn’t get to just run away and leave you not knowing what the hell is going on. Sounds like a massive man child.

Budikka · 20/05/2023 23:16

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. My advice is to do precisely what YOU think is right. What you think will put you at ease. Sit down, go through all the scenarios. Imagine doing them. Now, having mentally "done" them, are there any you would NOT want to have done?

Please only listen to your own head and heart. Be wary of advice on the internet. You do not know anything about the people who are responding. All you know is YOUR own heart and your own mind.

Take care and all the very best.

MumLass · 20/05/2023 23:17

OP I'd be worried too. My ex husband did something similar a couple of years ago (when we were still together). I was at home, in my own country and with friends I could call. You're abroad and isolated and it is hugely worrying. Unless he's having some kind of mental breakdown, this behaviour is out of order.

I hope he turns up soon so that you can just be angry rather than worried sick.

Mirabai · 20/05/2023 23:17

For someone who claims not to like drama - he likes causing it.

I wouldn’t worry about him, if he’s cold he can come home.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 20/05/2023 23:17

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 22:56

It’s a private villa in the mountains so sadly no hotel services to assist him. It’s also really strong winds, everything’s been flying round this evening. I am really worried and there is nothing I can actually do. As he’s a tradesman and doesn’t need his phone for business purposes he doesn’t have a roaming package so is uncontactable.

Lots of people enjoy walking in strong winds and wild weather. He'll be perfectly fine. Be clear to yourself that the issue here is his behaviour, not his safety. Sometimes we say we're worried about people because it doesn't feel acceptable somehow to be angry with them. It is OK for you to be angry with him for ignoring you, appearing not to care about how you felt, then going off without telling you where he was going/what his plan was. But it is not reasonable to be fussing over his safety. If you are a generally anxious person then that's an issue to be aware of.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 20/05/2023 23:18

I’m sorry, OP. This must be very frightening for you 😔 I hope he turns up soon.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 20/05/2023 23:19

I hope you're okay OP. I know it'll be hard to go to sleep until her back, I'd feel the same way and you have kids with you. I hope he's back soon.

Also no one who says drama llama should be on a forum for adults.

Littledogball · 20/05/2023 23:20

Nothing you've said sounds like a dangerous situation. He's stropped offbecause you called him out over his selfish behavior and he's now trying to make you worry by being out. More abusive behavior. Just go to bed and get a good nights sleep. He's definitely not worrying about you so stop worrying about him!
He'll be fine and you can plan to ltb or go to counselling when you get back.

PaigeMatthews · 20/05/2023 23:20

To be honest he sounds like a dick and two hours wouldn’t worry me
this. Know your place, op. Youve to sit in silence all evening.

Garman · 20/05/2023 23:20

Everybody’s phone has the capacity work while abroad now, and as mentioned you’re obviously online now on the internet on your phone? Just contact the local police.

BillyNoM8s · 20/05/2023 23:21

And after the beans incident? He reverted to a normal happy person and you usually have a normal happy relationship? I'm doubting that him quietly sulking watching films all evening is unusual.

Why hasn't he drunk for 8 years?

Are you sure he hasn't whacked another card in the electric thing and taken the key? If it's like the hotel ones you can put any card in the slot and the electric stays on.

Shadyladyo · 20/05/2023 23:25

My ex used to pull this shit. I’m a lot happier now I don’t have that worry. You don’t do this to someone you love

MySoCalledWife · 20/05/2023 23:27

He’ll be back

he’s trying to punish you

try and get some rest

Cherry85 · 20/05/2023 23:29

If you have WiFi can you not WhatsApp call someone back home? A friend or relative of his and tell them what's happened and you don't know what to do? Then you have asecond opinion from someone who knows him

Inkypot · 20/05/2023 23:29

I can totally see why you're worrying OP and some of the flippant replies on here will not be helping.
Considering the prevalence of struggles with mental health for men, and the high rates of self harm and suicide in males, I am quite shocked at how quick so many on here are to brush it off and leap to LTB.

From what you've described OP it sounds like this behaviour is out of character for your husband, is that right? The fact he reacted so out of proportion to your conversation, the physically running and saying "leave me alone", to me that is a pretty massive flag for mental health issues.

Turn on the roaming option on your phone, contact friends/family you feel safe to contact and see if they have any thoughts as they know him whereas we on MN do not. If you are worried then yes call the local police too.
He is your husband, you are worried and prioritising his safety. That's never a bad thing. Sending you a cuddle OP. You must be so worried.

Iyjd · 20/05/2023 23:31

Liorae · 20/05/2023 22:47

No, i am just an anti drama llama .

Show quote history

A grown man running away from home leaving his wife to worry whilst alone with two small children purely because she wanted to chat and enjoy her holiday is the drama. Not the wife.

OP he will know you are stuck with the kids and worried yet he has chosen to do this anyway, when he is back and convincing you that you were unreasonable because he just needed space remember he caused this anxiety knowingly.

flumpalamp · 20/05/2023 23:32

So it's 1.30am where you are just now. Would setting a timeframe allow you to at least nap? Say 3am is the time to escalate but until then it's still not that late?

azimuth299 · 20/05/2023 23:33

It sounds like he left to make you worry, to punish you for stating your needs.

He left on purpose, so I would assume that wherever he is, he is there on purpose and will come back when he decides that you've been punished enough, or that he's uncomfortable.

I know you're unlikely to be able to go to sleep, but is there something you could do to distract yourself? A film? A chat with a friend?

I personally wouldn't call the police but if you feel it would put your mind at ease then there's no reason why you shouldn't - although they will likely not do anything yet as the risk seems low.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 23:35

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 23:13

This only happened once 11 years ago, he’d smashed beans on toast up the wall and then gone on a planned works meal and apparently got spiked. Turned up the next morning at 7am.

Hmmm. Can you think of any reason in the world why someone would spike him? Now can you think of any reason in the world why he would say that had happened?

Original poster
Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 23:36

Ok after a rigmarole of sorting roaming he finally answered my call after 8 busy tones and said what the fuck do you want and hung up.

I will go to sleep now. I know he is safe enough to answer the phone and is choosing to not speak with me.

I will respect his wishes and get me and my little ones home on tomorrows flight. If running off into the mountains is preferable to having a conversation with your wife who said she was feeling a bit lonely then that says everything I need to know.

I have been feeling really rubbish away as 9weeks pg, just wanted cheering up.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 23:36

Honestly, you are just playing into his hands at the moment. This is exactly what he wants you to do. He wants to spoil your night, put you on tenterhooks, make you relieved when he comes home, and most of all he wants to upset you. He'll come back, don't worry.