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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has RAN AWAY in foreign country.

412 replies

Greekrunaway23 · 20/05/2023 22:33

Away with our DC’s, I appreciate the need for downtime but every night I’ve sat alone in silence whilst he watches films.

Tonight i broached this and said I just felt really flat and lonely after 12 days of this, still 2 to go. He said that it’s proven that men don’t need ‘chat and drama’ hence they can happily live alone for years.

I got quite tearful and said I really wasn’t starting an argument, I just wanted to chat of an evening. He kept on repeating that I can speak to him whenever I like, and I explained it would be nice to feel as if I wasn’t disturbing him and him to initiate conversation.

Then he ran away, it’s 12.32am here he’s gone. It’s really rough weather here tonight too and I’m scared. He hasn’t got a key as the fob for the electric is welded onto the key so I have no idea what to do.

aibu to phone the Greek police?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 21/05/2023 10:17

So your leaving a day early with two DC in tow?

Surely if you take the car and leave him stranded that it the end of your marriage.

If a wife asked for peace and didn't want to speak to their DH, and ran out of the house in the middle of the night, then the husband left the next day, without communicating there would be outrage from posters.

I find it curious that you were prepared to call the police after he'd gone for a walk for two hours, but are happy to arrange earlier flights etc and be off, rather than sitting it out for another 24 hours and having a nice time with the DC in the sun.

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 10:18

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 08:54

How come the small hours bring out the arseholes on MN? Probably had a few wines and come on MN to give distressed people a good kicking to make themselves feel better about their deeply unhappy lives.

I figure the arseholes/idjits come out in the small hours because that's when they realize how small and insignificant their lives are, so they feel the need to try and bring others down to their level. Typical loser bullies and trolls.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 10:19

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:02

I think OP sounds suffocating and controlling. I couldn't cope with the behaviour , he said he was fine to chat so he wasn't stonewalling he just wanted quiet time. OP completely unable to read those signs pesters until he thinks fuck this I need to get away from this person who keeps pushing. So he goes on a walk for time alone, his wife then thinks of reporting him missing, again controlling.

It would be my worst nightmare to be harassed like that. After we have had dinner and drinks me and DH will sit watching separate films , listening to music even on holiday.

If this is how he always is, you aren't compatible. He's not stonewalling he just doesn't want to have to constantly entertain you.

You clearly haven't read the thread - he's done this kind of thing before, last time for a whole night, he frequent gives OP the silent treatment, things are only ok if he gets to do exactly what he wants to do with no compromise and regard for OP, he's had his headphones on watching films not talking to OP EVERY night of the holiday. If this is ok for you in a relationship, your bar is very low, but you do you. To the majority of people this kind of behaviour isn't ok.

MenoRageisReal · 21/05/2023 10:21

@Liorae you said No, i am just an anti drama llama

I'd suggest you stay off AIBU then Grin

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you ok? Are you having a bad day/life and want to be unnecessarily cruel to the OP? Or are you just a twat in general?

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 10:24

DeedlessIndeed · 21/05/2023 09:44

I'm a "quiet person", so to speak. I'm very happy in my own company and can easily go for hours doing "parellel" activities next to DH, without speaking to him. Most of the times of an evening we aren't necessarily even in the same room.

However, OP is on holiday - aren't part of the reasons we go on holiday with family to spend quality time together reconnecting? Without the usual distractions of daily life that usually suck us into our own worlds?

I'd feel pretty hurt if EVERY night my DH didn't want to engage in any kind of joint conversation. To me it signifies that he doesn't feel like it's worth making the effort to build up the relationship anymore. I don't know, it just feels really sad to me.

I agree. There is a BIG difference from wanting a bit of time to organize your thoughts, take a breather, do a little on your own and totally ignoring the other person to the point they feel unworthy of your time. If he wanted to not talk to his wife and spend his time wrapped up in himself, he should have just stayed home and built himself a shed to live in.

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:27

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 10:19

You clearly haven't read the thread - he's done this kind of thing before, last time for a whole night, he frequent gives OP the silent treatment, things are only ok if he gets to do exactly what he wants to do with no compromise and regard for OP, he's had his headphones on watching films not talking to OP EVERY night of the holiday. If this is ok for you in a relationship, your bar is very low, but you do you. To the majority of people this kind of behaviour isn't ok.

Show quote history

I'm wondering if he's actually ND, I listen to my headphones normally every night apart from if I'm out late. After dinner usually around 8:30pm I listen to music and podcasts its decompression. My DH is fine is with this as hes similar , if someone started telling me to talk to them all the time, I would find it suffocating. I do the same routine on holiday after an activity out I have alone time. I think if someone pushed me like OP I would probably do the same as the husband. I've always been like this from being a child so that's the key it gets worse when I'm stressed.

The rigid thought patterns are there any other signs OP?

rainbowstardrops · 21/05/2023 10:27

He's behaved/is behaving dreadfully! Why on earth does he sit there watching films every evening with earphones in? Why don't you sit and watch films together?
He's a dick.

Nanaof1 · 21/05/2023 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bitter or jealous much?

Actually, already know the answer. A resounding yes!

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:31

rainbowstardrops · 21/05/2023 10:27

He's behaved/is behaving dreadfully! Why on earth does he sit there watching films every evening with earphones in? Why don't you sit and watch films together?
He's a dick.

If he's had sensory overstimulation all day it's a way to decompress. I'm wondering if he's actually ND, I act similarly I'm not doing it to be rude by evening most nights I've had enough of everyone. It's not every night but I need to recover from socialising.

The running away seems more like a meltdown.

knittingaddict · 21/05/2023 10:36

I have no idea why anyone would ask a genuine question about their relationship on MN. It used to be just about OK, but lately it's been dick post after dick post, making the op feel awful about her perfectly normal responses.

I can't believe that any woman (or man for that matter) would be ok with their partner spending his evenings on holiday with their headphones on, ignoring the other person. The children are in bed, so surely this is when you spend some adult time together away from children and work?

Op, I hope you can remain strong here and have a hard look at the man you are married to and his awful behaviour.

knittingaddict · 21/05/2023 10:38

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:31

If he's had sensory overstimulation all day it's a way to decompress. I'm wondering if he's actually ND, I act similarly I'm not doing it to be rude by evening most nights I've had enough of everyone. It's not every night but I need to recover from socialising.

The running away seems more like a meltdown.

Show quote history

That might all be true, but that doesn't mean op is unreasonable to feel upset by it.

rainbowstardrops · 21/05/2023 10:38

I totally appreciate that @Meixo but to do it all the time and then have a go at his wife for simply raising what is an issue to her, is pretty awful.
He could calmly say that he simply needs time to unwind and be quiet.
They're on holiday as well! So no stresses of work like there would be if he were at home.
I think there's more going on here than just wanting to sit and watch a movie quietly.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/05/2023 10:40

If he has sensory issues or wants quiet time then he needs to calmly explain this to his dw, not bugger off out without a word. The fact he's turned back up and hasn't said a word to her makes me think he's just being a twat. You can be ND and still behave nicely towards your dw without having to be a dick.

LaDamaDeElche · 21/05/2023 10:40

knittingaddict · 21/05/2023 10:36

I have no idea why anyone would ask a genuine question about their relationship on MN. It used to be just about OK, but lately it's been dick post after dick post, making the op feel awful about her perfectly normal responses.

I can't believe that any woman (or man for that matter) would be ok with their partner spending his evenings on holiday with their headphones on, ignoring the other person. The children are in bed, so surely this is when you spend some adult time together away from children and work?

Op, I hope you can remain strong here and have a hard look at the man you are married to and his awful behaviour.

Same story on so many threads on MN these days. I've been on here for around 14 years and I remember it being a much more supportive place. Straight-talking has always been part of MN, but just outright nastiness bordering on trolling, is definitely something I've noticed over the last few years.

RampantIvy · 21/05/2023 10:42

I agree @LaDamaDeElche.
So many nasty keyboard warriors around these days Sad

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:47

knittingaddict · 21/05/2023 10:36

I have no idea why anyone would ask a genuine question about their relationship on MN. It used to be just about OK, but lately it's been dick post after dick post, making the op feel awful about her perfectly normal responses.

I can't believe that any woman (or man for that matter) would be ok with their partner spending his evenings on holiday with their headphones on, ignoring the other person. The children are in bed, so surely this is when you spend some adult time together away from children and work?

Op, I hope you can remain strong here and have a hard look at the man you are married to and his awful behaviour.

It's not ignoring he said he's happy to chat. He's been out with the DC all day , they have had dinner kids are in bed. It's a holiday a different routine so a bit much. I think OP should look at the other signs of ASD and see if they fit her DH. If he's always been roughly the same that's the key , if it's a new thing it's something else.

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:53

rainbowstardrops · 21/05/2023 10:38

I totally appreciate that @Meixo but to do it all the time and then have a go at his wife for simply raising what is an issue to her, is pretty awful.
He could calmly say that he simply needs time to unwind and be quiet.
They're on holiday as well! So no stresses of work like there would be if he were at home.
I think there's more going on here than just wanting to sit and watch a movie quietly.

Going on holiday for a ND person is more stressful than being at home. I'm not saying it's right for him to communicate but I am very similar to the OPs DH. I enjoy being on holiday but evenings I have quiet time I'm autistic , my dh is as well. DD is NT so we try to ensure she has her needs met.

readbooksdrinktea · 21/05/2023 11:31

He said that it’s proven that men don’t need ‘chat and drama’ hence they can happily live alone for years.

This is what he should be doing from now on. Such a dickish response. He doesn't give a shit about you. Asshat.

SmileyClare · 21/05/2023 11:51

What an odd thread. A sensationalist thread title like a Sun newspaper headline written by a child.

Subsequent updates are written articulately however.

Assuming this is genuine, All op needed was some reassurance that yes dh would return (don’t panic) and No don’t phone the Greek police after 2 hours.

The click bait thread title has ensured op received 14 pages of mainly in house squabbling over who has given the “correct” response, posters attacking other posters amidst many who are questioning the authenticity of this mumsnetter.

I think everyone can guess how this would pan out just by reading the title.

As predicted, op has left declaring the thread “unhelpful “.

AgrathaChristie · 21/05/2023 11:52

He decided he didn’t want to be on holiday with you and dc, hence his grumpiness and strange reaction ? His phone was busy so he must have been calling someone, maybe someone at home? I’m sorry OP but I’m thinking maybe another woman.

billy1966 · 21/05/2023 11:57

OP,

Despite some nasty posts, this is not normal behaviour.

I would suggest you rethink this pregnancy.

This is an abusive relationship and I think ring Women's aid for a chat and support would benefit you.

You said "little ones"?

A third child with this man is the very ladt thing your lonely marriage needs.

This is neither a good nor kind man.

I find it hard to believe his behaviour is totally isolated either.

You need to detach and start protecting yourself and your children.

A third pregnancy makes you just more stuck.

Contact family and friends for support.

I am so sorry.

He has behaved appallingly.

Heartsnrainbows · 21/05/2023 12:00

I think I'd 'forget' his passport. Fuck travelling with that. Leave him behind and when he eventually gets home, tell him to pack his stuff and leave. He has no regard for you so you need to have some for yourself.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 21/05/2023 12:09

Meixo · 21/05/2023 10:27

I'm wondering if he's actually ND, I listen to my headphones normally every night apart from if I'm out late. After dinner usually around 8:30pm I listen to music and podcasts its decompression. My DH is fine is with this as hes similar , if someone started telling me to talk to them all the time, I would find it suffocating. I do the same routine on holiday after an activity out I have alone time. I think if someone pushed me like OP I would probably do the same as the husband. I've always been like this from being a child so that's the key it gets worse when I'm stressed.

The rigid thought patterns are there any other signs OP?

Show quote history

She hasn't pushed him though has she? She said for the past 12 nights they have sat in silence and he's the same at home so she just gets on with it. So what are you talking about? It bothers me that stupid people have free reign on the Internet. In your rush to be vile to someone going through a tough time, you haven't read what the op has written. Stupid and nasty, what a combo.

PrinceHaz · 21/05/2023 12:11

Hi OP. You deserve better. Very best wishes to you,