To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

I wouldn't try to make excuses for their rude behaviour. Better to accept them for what they are and move on. If there had been a legitimate reason (after-party for family only), they'd have said so instead of trying to sneak around and keep you in the dark.

It does all sound like a flashy performance that actually Matt couldn't afford.

He arranges an expensive surprise for his wife but expects others to pay for it. I wonder what she thought when she was told he made people pay 100 pounds each for his flashy surprise? I would have been furious at the embarrassment of it. Especially when he then leaves some out of the free party at home, making everything super awkward.

He's a dick.

And the £200 is part of the issue, why mention it otherwise

They are tight CFs. £200 to go to their party!!!

I would not be friends with them any more and I would never invite them round again. Horrible gits.

This tells you all you need to know.

I wonder if they charged everyone £200 to come, or just you?

Hello you've posted on someone else's thread. But you can ask but I think they can trigger your maternity leave if you are saying you are unable to work due to pregnancy so be careful. It depends how nice your employer is

How many were at the pre party paying £100pp?

It sounds like they don't like to mix up certain friendships. So you're the 'sports' mates or however you all know eachother.
After party lot are local/uni etc - who knows but they must be a different vibe to you and clearly don't think you'll get on. Maybe they all take coke or something and they dont want you to know?!
Rude though. I can see why you'd be pissed off.

Op I hear you.

I phased out friends when me and dp were invited to a decoy birthday party. We hadn’t been told but it was on a Saturday to hide the elaborate surprise party booked for the Friday.

The decoy party was cancelled but the husband forgot to tell us and a few other people. So we travelled there (I was about 7 months pregnant and getting quite tired) and rocked up with a nice gift and bottle of wine all dressed up to find no food and about another six people they’d forgotten to tell. NONE of us had been invited to the real surprise party the night before and there was no real apology.

Seems like they used you to cover the cost of the party. There's no way nibbles and drinks would cost that much. I don't understand why you'd pay for it in the first place. Did you feel you got value for money?

I had the opposite experience once: turned up for an evening house party (friends, and not for a particular birthday or anything just a party) to discover there’d been a pre-party bbq with a smaller circle of friends who were already drunk. Weird vibes.

They obviously don't value your friendship in the way you value them.
Time to cut them loose and find better friends.

Nobody pays £200 for a short evening of drinks and nibbles. That's nonsense. What else was happening?.

I think you are ridiculous to pay £200 to go to a friend's party.

I was thinking this too. How many people were at the drinks and nibbles party?

FWIW I don't think you're humiliating yourself by having been friends with them. I think you're behaving normally and decently and they're not. In situations like that, where you're not a selfish person and you're taken advantage of, it can easily feel like you were somehow stupid for not seeing it sooner. The truth is that we don't see CF sooner because we take people at face value and expect people to be decent. So please, rather than feel bad about this, just know that they've now shown themselves clearly for who they are, so you can get rid of the from your life guilt-free.

You sound like a nice person and a generous host. Loads of us would like to be your friend! And I'm quite sure you have plenty of other friends who no doubt value you for more than free nosh and Guiness. Go and spend more time with them.

I too am struggling to believe the £100 a head price tag.

I also question the intelligence and self respect of a couple who paid £200 for drinks and nibbles.

my parents once got a wedding invitation that had prices for the meals. All very awkward. Some people were expected to pay and some were not. Money was being handed to the groom by obviously embarrassed guests. Dreadful.

Thank Christ everyone I know thinks(knows) I'm a tight git... £200 for an afternoon party...listen I'm selling shares in the original Severn bridge....I can cut you in at a very good price.. 😅

£200 to attend a party

Was also going to suggest asking the venue for a price based x numbers of people (ie the number that attended their event) plus room hire if applicable.

Very useful insight and thank you. Our kids are in sport together which is why I keep trying to be nice (it's a niche sport). Lots of food for thought in your post.

To people saying why would you pay that much for drinks and nibbles, OP might not have been told that this was all that was being offered and thought it was dinner

And to people saying “they” are rude. No. It was a surprise party. Matt is rude. The jury’s still out on Eva.

Yeah, they’re shit pals. Ditch them asap

This is a lovely post and cheered me up a lot. Thank you.