To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

this

You sound like such a lovely friend. They sound tedious and entitled. Get them in the bin.

Real friends make you feel good about yourself, not like shit. Took me years to realise that.

@blondiepigtails Me too. It was a hard won lesson but it has transformed my life for the better.

Absolute WANKERS!

You could meet up once more and drop hints that you guys are swingers who like drugs to see if they bite- obviously there’s a risk you might have to then swing/do drugs if you’re right or if you’re wrong they might tell other people you invited them into a wild MDMA sex quad, but I’m sure you could put on a brave face for either eventuality

I think you sound GREAT and I would really value a friendship like the one you were offering!!

sod those asshats!!

Hopefully this this will serve as a reminder to others to please not treat your friends like 💩 as it's upsetting

They sound awful. Also asking people to pay £200 is shockingly rude and gauche. If you're inviting people to celebrate your birthday and asking them to pay for themselves it should be cheap and cheerful. £100 a head means the host should pay.

Erm.... they didn't.

Why is there always someone who totally misreads the post and all subsequent responses?

Yes, it's a huge part of the issue, which is why everyone's discussing it 🙄.

You're weird

I’d have tore a strip of him.

Was it really a surprise party? It sounds like she was in on it.

I think I’d just step back now. I’d be friendly but not friends. No more invites for them. Just be pleasant at the sports thing and that’s all. Lessons learned, twice burned and all that

Obviously you are never inviting them again. If you are hosting and they ask something awkward about your event just say cheerfully oh it’s just a gathering- we are simple people so no before party and after party guest lists for us otherwise of course we’d invite you!

You lost me at being charged to come to a party! That wasn't even the "real" party! Jeez, how much did the "real" friends have to pay to attend the "real" party?!
If you can't afford to throw a party then don't. But seriously..... asking people to pay to attend their mate's party is seriously crass and low.

Sorry if this has already been asked, but is the OP sure they weren’t the only guests who were charged to attend the posh party?

Wow you sure know how to have big sexy time 🤣

I thought they just wanted room meat for their PAYG parties.

They sound mean and unpleasant and I'd avoid socially in future.

YABU to pay £200 to attend event number 1. Forget the after party!

Do you think the charge for the first party subsidised the after party? Or did the Cf's charge the after party guests as well?

Wow. I thought feeling so terribly hurt at an apparent after party was a bit OTT, but reading this I can see this is just normal for you.

Thank you for sharing OP. You have given me some insight into paid for parties and 14 pages of responses says for many others too. I cannot believe paying to attend a party. I literally cannot imagine handing the host 200$ cash for the privilege of attending and if Matt was comfortable doing this I have no words to describe how low I think of him. I have however attended many “parties” where items were sold…clothes and skincare and kitchen items…and eventually noticed I was never invited to a non selling party. I stopped all of that too because THAT is not a party or friendship. Sports parents sometimes seem like insecure friend chasing teens themselves. I never considered sport parents to be real friends. I also dont understand asking people for payments for meals after the guests have left. If they can’t ask in person they must feel it so CF they have to hide behind a message. This is not friendship or hosting to me nor to you. Lesson learned and shared.

Yeah, but first things first.

Why on earth did you pay - twice - to go to the birthday party?

If you invite someone to your party it’s because you want them to come. You don’t charge them to do so.

You're far too nice for this couple. They don't appreciate you as friends, just want to use you, and no doubt others, to make themselves seem as if they are Mr & Mrs Popular. Anyone charging you to attend a birthday party is so declassé, it's such a socially unacceptable thing to do. If you can't afford to host a party properly, don't put one on. I hope you now realise your place in this horrid couple's social list (and it's not near the top). Please don't host them again, throw lots of wonderful evenings for genuine friends, who enjoy your food and reciprocate. You deserve so much better.

i don’t get how everyone is so hung up on the paying for birthday thing. For my birthday, our group of friends are going to the bottomless brunch at the Ned. It’s £120 pp, and I’m obviously not paying. We do bottomlesses for most birthdays and it has never been expected that the birthday girl pays. Normally we all throw in an extra tenner and pay for the birthday girl. It was not a party at a hired hall or a house, it was drinks in a venue. (From what I can gage anyway)

As for not inviting you to the after party - I have no words, how did they not feel embarrassed speaking to you all evening. Unless like pps have mentioned it was family / v close friends only. You didn’t answer if they confirmed it only that someone else mentioned it and you haven’t said if you know how many or who was going so I’m going to assume that’s the case as I can’t imagine anyone being so nasty.

@Noodlehen 'obviously ' lol