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Original poster

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
WuTangGran · 20/05/2023 22:16

What a pair of arseholes they are.

pictoosh · 20/05/2023 22:16

Wherearemymarbles · 20/05/2023 22:07

Look, they dont view you as friends, just acquaintances to pass the time with when convenient. They are more than happy to take your hospitality but have no desire to return the favour.
If you stopped to think about it, it would be very obvious. Up to you if you and DH want to continue to play fake friends but I’d stop the hospitality with immediate effect. I suspect they wont be that bothered

Sadly I suspect this to be the case.
I also wonder if they want to smoke weed and/or take cocaine with like-minded pals at the real party.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 20/05/2023 22:17

Wherearemymarbles · 20/05/2023 22:07

Look, they dont view you as friends, just acquaintances to pass the time with when convenient. They are more than happy to take your hospitality but have no desire to return the favour.
If you stopped to think about it, it would be very obvious. Up to you if you and DH want to continue to play fake friends but I’d stop the hospitality with immediate effect. I suspect they wont be that bothered

This I think

Aprilx · 20/05/2023 22:18

You do seem keener on them than they are on you. But I don’t understand why you think the “after party” was the real party. It sounds to me like the thing you went to was the real party and the after party was maybe for family and very close friends.

LakeTiticaca · 20/05/2023 22:19

100 quid a head for drinks and nibbles? Someone's having a laugh!! I wouldn't be inviting them round again!! Cheeky bastards

Twobyfour · 20/05/2023 22:20

Find out from the party venue how much it costs per head for a “drinks and nibbles” party and then ask Matt and Eva for a refund of the difference from £100 each!

Istolethecookies · 20/05/2023 22:21

You lost me at £100pp for drinks and nibbles.

Confusion101 · 20/05/2023 22:22

Aprilx · 20/05/2023 22:18

You do seem keener on them than they are on you. But I don’t understand why you think the “after party” was the real party. It sounds to me like the thing you went to was the real party and the after party was maybe for family and very close friends.

Agree with this!

No need to fall out with them if you ha e to see them around but stop being friends with them, pull back and don't invite them to your events anymore (unless you want to charge them £100 a head to get your money back because that is extortionate......)

SparkyBlue · 20/05/2023 22:22

Just keep your distance from them. Be civil when you meet them but keep your distance from them. They sound awful

DollieBantrysPantry · 20/05/2023 22:22

Gosh that’s dreadful OP, I shouldn’t invite them round to yours any more for your super hospitality, they just aren’t worth it

Damnspot · 20/05/2023 22:23

Drugs.

They sound shit friends.

Lovemylaminator · 20/05/2023 22:24

They've ripped you off..what horrible people. In fact, it's quite a cruel thing that they have done.

I bet if you asked around, no-one else would have paid £200. You do not charge people to come to a party.

These people are NOT your friends, and are only being polite by coming to your house. In a way they have done all but tell you out right they don't want to be your friends by telling you how much more effort they go to for others.

Please do not humilate yourself any more by trying to be friends with this couple.

salcombebabe · 20/05/2023 22:24

Gingefringe · 20/05/2023 21:59

Swingers

Just what I was thinking!

mydoghasanattitude · 20/05/2023 22:25

I guess I'm reluctant to be parted from my money without a good reason, but I'd be annoyed if someone expected me to pay for the pleasure of attending a birthday party (or any type of party) that they'd planned. I wouldn't have gone simply because of that, most likely. Either they could afford to host this party or they couldn't, and evidently they couldn't.

Now you know without doubt that they're not real friends. I honestly wouldn't bother with them from now on. You don't have to cause a scene, but just stop making any effort beyond what you would for any casual acquaintance in that circle.

Tonkerbea · 20/05/2023 22:26

So inhospitable and crass to charge people to attend a party. If you can't afford it, scale back.

You're better off not counting them as friends, no great loss.

itsmylife7 · 20/05/2023 22:27

It's obvious , you see them as very good friends they see you as more of an acquaintance.... now you know what rung on the friendship ladder you are.

Sugarfree23 · 20/05/2023 22:28

Confusion101 · 20/05/2023 22:22

Agree with this!

No need to fall out with them if you ha e to see them around but stop being friends with them, pull back and don't invite them to your events anymore (unless you want to charge them £100 a head to get your money back because that is extortionate......)

Show quote history

Agreed!
Treat them as acquaintances. Be polite when you see them but I wouldn't go inviting them back.

Haywirecity · 20/05/2023 22:28

I would never pay £100 but that's not the point. Thered be no more Guinness at my house and that's a fact. But there might be several after parties they're not invited to.

Namechangedforthis25 · 20/05/2023 22:29

perhaps the after party was just for family? Maybe they couldn’t fit all guests in their house?

NoraBattysCurlers · 20/05/2023 22:30

Damnspot · 20/05/2023 22:23

Drugs.

They sound shit friends.

Sounds like it.

Springingintosummer · 20/05/2023 22:30

Ah well, you know not to invite them now. Frequent visits to you, compared to one Chinese takeaway and no after party sums up what you mean to them - great for making up numbers at £100 a head and a present and great for no expense spared dinner parties, but not to be reciprocated!

WimpoleHat · 20/05/2023 22:31

it was very clear that we were NOT invited back to theirs for the "real" birthday party.

In which case, they’ve been very rude. They’re not good friends - that’s an awful thing to do and you’re not at all ynt

Smineusername · 20/05/2023 22:31

Hmmm. Going to go against the grain somewhat and say that if they invited you to the day party they obviously do like you and wanted to include you. I second the other posters who have suggested that they were planning on partaking of some illicit activities at the after party that they were worried you would disapprove of. Or maybe they thought it would be impractical for you to attend due to distance? But very strange to charge (so much!) for attending their party... They sound like dicks

Ladykryptonite · 20/05/2023 22:31

Paying to attend a house party is really odd

WimpoleHat · 20/05/2023 22:32

…sorry - hit post by accident! Meant to say that you’re not at all unreasonable to feel really snubbed and upset.

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