To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

I think this is another classic of what’s done in certain circles feels the norm to everyone in each different circle!

Other than a weekend away or a meal in a restaurant I don’t think I’ve ever been invited to a pay for birthday event. We never suggest covering the meal or stay of the birthday person in our friendship groups. Some people don’t have a lot of spare cash at the moment so I wouldn’t want them to chip in to cover my birthday.

Goodness £100 each, I'd have expected afternoon tea at the Ritz. I wouldn't invite them to my home again. Just be cordial when you meet at sports event or with your children. They probably like to show off how many friends they've got, they're users.They are false, fairweather friends.,you don't need them.

I've just looked - the most expensive afternoon tea at the Ritz is £97 but you can get it for as little as £70pp!

Of course you don't 'throw a party' and expect your guests to pay to attend. Wtf! I have never heard of such a thing. Is it not enough that people take the time / make the effort / bring gifts / get babysitters / etc etc to celebrate with you? What planet are some people on?

No YANBU. What a c*nt. I wouldn’t confront them but I would also never speak to these people again, but I’m like that. I think using people like this is pretty much unforgivable. It might do you some good anyway to just back away for a bit and see if they invite you out or check in etc. If they don’t you know for sure they were just using you for convenience when it suited them. Remember there are people in the world who value you company and friendship and would never behave so abhorrently.

I think Op and DH were probaby expecting a sit down 3 course meal plus drinks for their £100 a head.
Not a buffet.

She's been used and feeling hurt. The people she thought were friends aren't really friends.

Op you and DH sound lovely. I hope you are able to find other friends who actually appreciate you both.

Yes! It's an insight into a whole other world.

I said "am I over-reacting to be annoyed?" and "it stings a bit" in my original post. I don't think I presented as "feeling so terribly hurt" and "OTT" as you characterise it, in your very particular, pointed, contemptuous way.
And yes, your post made my heart thump and made me feel a bit nauseous, too.
Oh well. At least it's quite an interesting thing, to imagine the sort of person who'd bother to belittle a stranger so very pointedly.

Op truthfully I don't think you are overreacting to be annoyed and it stings a bit.

From the outside looking in I think you are almost underreacting most people would be incredibly hurt that they paid an awful lot of money for what turned out to be a buffet dinner and weren't invited to the whole event.

Have you heard from them since, @stanfordpuma, and were you thanked for your birthday gift?

I totally get where you're coming from; it does sting when you realise your idea of a friendship is not on the same level as those you're friendly with.

They’re awful OP, YANBU.

I think it would be difficult to host all those people at their house afterwards, so I can see why it’s only close friends who have been invited, and by your own admission you don’t seem to fall into that category. It doesn’t sound like you like them all that much, so are you more annoyed that you feel you’ve been left out rather than the actual invite - sounds like a lot of others were in that position too.

Personally, I think it’s completely unreasonable to have the second party on the same day, they must have known how awkward it would be.

Paying £200 to attend a party, yabu
I would have made an excuse not to go.
They sound like total bellends

It’s different if a group of friends decide to go out together to a restaurant/venue. This sounds like the party hosts booked a venue and charged everyone a fee to attend

Phase them out from your life, dont even say hi, Im sure they will know why. Focus on other friends, real friends in your life.
They were very mean to do what they did.

You seem a bit fractious here - your words are ironically sharp to this poster - who you have mistakenly assumed was the someone else.

I wonder if you are a bit reactive IRL?

However I understand your disappointment that your ‘friends’ excluded you both from their after party. All you can take from this is you are not as close as you’d hoped / assumed / wanted to be.

Yes op you are right to be upset. They sound awful.
I think you have put much more into this friendship than they have, you talk about having them over several times etc and they had you over once or twice and put in very little effort.
This is one of those “he’s just not into you” situations, and they do hurt, even with friendships. I hope you have many more friends who value you more than these 2