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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
Bunsandtophats · 20/05/2023 21:55

I can't believe people like this exist! And that you were prepared to pay £200, a babysitter and a present for this person. Unbelievable. Who on earth do they think they are?! Fortunately I don't know anyone who would do this thank goodness.

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 21:55

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:50

Once or twice. Our kids are in sports together so that makes it awkward. Don't want to make a scene.

Don’t make a scene then but please stop having them over. They see you as a free meal and drinks.

Please stop being mugs.

red78hot · 20/05/2023 21:55

Well they wouldn't be getting invited to my home ever again that's for sure!

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 21:56

Do you know anyone who was invited to the after party? If it's at their house surely they're restricted on space.

Eva probably had also suggested you wouldn't want to travel/get an overnight babysitter if she didn't know about the surprise party.

Blomonje · 20/05/2023 21:57

Wow this is dreadful. You’re right, you clearly haven’t been invited to the “real” party. I wouldn’t be friends with them after that.

Stripedbag101 · 20/05/2023 21:58

So they were too cheap to pay for the party the wanted so charged their guests. Awful!

at £100 a head just for nibbles and a few drinks I assume you were subsidising other guests! And paying the room hire.

how cheap!

gamerchick · 20/05/2023 21:58

They treat you like mugs and now over egged it into a mega mug treating.

These people are not your friends. Time to stop having them over and pull back a bit. No need to fall out or anything if you still have to see each other. They'll get the message.

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:59

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 21:47

Are they super hospitable to you too? Do they ever have you over for dinner?

No- they had us over once and ordered Chinese takeaway, but apparently put on huge spreads for their "real" friends and have wonderful nights (which they tell us about when they're at our house- which is weird). I'm the "super-hospitable" type so when people come to our house I'm flying around with ludicrous amounts of food, wine, good-non-wine-options for non-drinkers, non-dairy for the lactose intolerants, gluten free for the gluten intolerants, veggie options, etc. I don't expect other people to be as stupidly welcoming as I am but a little "you're welcome to come back to ours for a glass of wine" would be nice.

OP posts:
Gingefringe · 20/05/2023 21:59

Swingers

Doyoumind · 20/05/2023 21:59

How many people were at the venue? Would they all fit in the house? Surely the venue party was the real party and the one at home was for a select few?

You shouldn't have been asked to pay though.

Hopelesscynic · 20/05/2023 22:00

SwedishEdith · 20/05/2023 21:54

So just a normal party buffet? No-one charges friends to attend a party.

I'm actually wondering if they over charged you on purpose, so you ended up paying not just for yourself but them/others as well?
Even at a posh place finger food and a few drinks shouldn't be costing in the hundreds!
They are CFs big time, that's for sure

JustDanceAddict · 20/05/2023 22:00

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:59

No- they had us over once and ordered Chinese takeaway, but apparently put on huge spreads for their "real" friends and have wonderful nights (which they tell us about when they're at our house- which is weird). I'm the "super-hospitable" type so when people come to our house I'm flying around with ludicrous amounts of food, wine, good-non-wine-options for non-drinkers, non-dairy for the lactose intolerants, gluten free for the gluten intolerants, veggie options, etc. I don't expect other people to be as stupidly welcoming as I am but a little "you're welcome to come back to ours for a glass of wine" would be nice.

Please remove these leeches from your life. Def not friends!

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 20/05/2023 22:02

So you paid for the real party then?

AngelinaFibres · 20/05/2023 22:06

They aren't your friends. You are just 'useful' in some way so they tolerate you.Time to do a steady fade on this relationship. Dont invite them to your house again. Be vague about being busy/ snowed under/ blah, blah. Find other people to chat to when you take your children to their sport thing.

guineacup · 20/05/2023 22:07

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:33

It was an "all in package" with drinks and nibbles.

Only a special type of pretentious wanker organises £100 per head "drinks and nibbles" in the first place, but getting guests to pay makes him a cheapskate pretentious wanker.

It shouldn't be a surprise they a cheapskate pretentious wanker behaves in a wankerish way by sneaking off to an afterparty.

Wherearemymarbles · 20/05/2023 22:07

Look, they dont view you as friends, just acquaintances to pass the time with when convenient. They are more than happy to take your hospitality but have no desire to return the favour.
If you stopped to think about it, it would be very obvious. Up to you if you and DH want to continue to play fake friends but I’d stop the hospitality with immediate effect. I suspect they wont be that bothered

HaveSomeIntrospect · 20/05/2023 22:07

if you don’t want to fall out with them because your dc and theirs share a hobby, just stop socialising with them.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2023 22:10

There’s no need to fall out. Just be pleasant if you happen to see them but no more invites and focus your time on other people.

Also, this is not a couple problem. This is a Matt problem. If it was a surprise party his wife did not know that he charged you and only invited you to part of the evening events. She might be mortified.

earsup · 20/05/2023 22:10

delete and block and move on. !!

Fudgewomble · 20/05/2023 22:11

This sounds awful. I’m so sorry. (And as a separate point I can’t imagine charging friends £100/ head for a party - you either cover the venue cost yourself, host at home (for everyone!), or don’t celebrate)

PuppyMonkey · 20/05/2023 22:12

I voted YABU because you agreed to pay £100 each to attend THEIR party in the first place.

ShoesoftheWorld · 20/05/2023 22:12

You do seem to be keener on them than they are on you, but also you don't seem to like them much. Obviously their behaviour was enormously rude and hurtful, but you seem to be wanting something from them that they're not going to give - possibly in recognition for your own hospitality, which you mention a couple of times. I'm wondering what draws you to them and why you've repeatedly expended so much effort on them when they clearly have no intention of reciprocating.

Use this incident to distance yourself massively from them, and don't be afraid to tell them why should they ask (their self-absorption may prevent them from noticing, though). It might also be worth reflecting on why you maintained the friendship and why your hospitality comes into it - I think if you enjoy hosting it needs to be done without any expectations of reciprocation or appreciation expressed in a particular way, iyswim.

Hotchocolatecuddlewithdogs · 20/05/2023 22:12

Are you sure they are not swingers? We have swinger friends who don’t invite us to their after parties as they know it’s not our thing but we still socialize with them.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 20/05/2023 22:14

Weatherwax13 · 20/05/2023 21:53

I'd imagine that the private after party was probably where the coke was coming out

this, obviously they needed the ££ to fund it

Nevermind31 · 20/05/2023 22:15

They may be your friends, but you are their acquaintances. I would stop hosting them, and just be pleasant. And find real friends