Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
7eleven · 20/05/2023 22:49

Well now you know where in the pecking order you stand, no more super hospitality for them!

User1438423 · 20/05/2023 22:50

Weatherwax13 · 20/05/2023 21:53

I'd imagine that the private after party was probably where the coke was coming out

This was my immediate thought too. I assume they take coke or similar with their 'local' friends and don't think you'd approve/mix well with that social circle. I'm more outraged at the £200 to attend the party that didn't even include dinner.

Confusion101 · 20/05/2023 22:51

You say you "wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited." but then "Husband called Matt and he was a bit cagey- it was only by talking to other people that we realised he'd gone home to prepare for the after party." so why did ye think they had an argument if ye already knew why he left?

You say Matt was gone to prepare for the after-party but then start calling it the real party? An after party is usually not the real party. Which did he call it when ye were talking to him?

Either way Matt was rude and an absolute knob for planning a party that would cost his guests £100 a head!

MaidOfSteel · 20/05/2023 22:54

It sounds to me like your £200 helped to fund the hire of the swanky, show-off venue that Eva wanted, and the 4pm to 8pm slot was all that was available; not just the drinks & nibbles. Then to exclude you from the real party afterwards. That's a doubly crap way to treat friends.

I'm so sorry you were usd and badly treated like that. I'd be very upset if this had happened to me. I think, in your shoes, I'd be cooling the friendship and distancing yourself from Matt & Eva as much as possible.

Newestname002 · 20/05/2023 22:55

You're their second tier friends really then?

I think I wouldn't be quite so hospitable in future - it's hurtful (and expensive!) to be treated the way you were in this instance. 🌹

RunningUpThatMill · 20/05/2023 22:55

I once was poor and I would've never paid an amount of money to attend a friend's party. I'm now extremely comfortable, and I still wouldn't pay to attend a friend's party. Wtf is this shit?

I'm glad that I have real friends.

Tilllly · 20/05/2023 22:56

I'd feel just like you do

Be polite and pleasant. But be distant and don't invite them to your home ever again

Beautiful3 · 20/05/2023 22:57

I.think.thats rude.

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 20/05/2023 23:00

Asking for £200 is a bit unreasonable

Viewing the friendship in a different way to you isn't though. They see you as acquaintances, people they like enough to have to a larger party and occasional nibbles but not close friends. They probably wonder why you go so all out!

Or, as others have said it was either for family and very close friends or it was drugs/a swingers party

Mirabai · 20/05/2023 23:04

I know I’m getting old, but never in my life would I ever charge people to come to my party. It’s so unbelievably gauche as to be funny.

Not only do they demand cash, but massively overcharged you. This tells you what kind of people they are.

You don’t have to bother with them again.

3luckystars · 20/05/2023 23:07

Cocaine party is what I thought when reading your post.

LondonLovie · 20/05/2023 23:09

3luckystars · 20/05/2023 23:07

Cocaine party is what I thought when reading your post.

Exactly what I thought. Sounds like it was a select few who enjoy Mandy for company

DreamItDoIt · 20/05/2023 23:10

So OP exactly how many were there at this £100 per head party? Was it in some swanky cocktail bar with champagne and cocktails?

You really seem to be evading questions on the actual party, so do please update us.

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 23:10

LondonLovie · 20/05/2023 23:09

Exactly what I thought. Sounds like it was a select few who enjoy Mandy for company

Show quote history

Is this slang? Mandy?

Daisypain · 20/05/2023 23:11

Ok just playing devil’s advocate a bit-

You like them and they like you in the way that happens when kids do an activity but they already have a very close group of friends from whenever back who socialise together and all know each other.

You invite them to yours- they like you so they agree and are perhaps a bit surprised how much effort you go to for an easy get together but hey that’s up to you and you clearly like being the hostess with the mostess vibe.

They return the favour but keep it low key with a take out but you continue to roll out the red carpet. Your choice. You seem to want to win them over.

They don’t invite you to join them with their get togethers with the other group as it’s exactly that- a group who all know each other. They can’t really just invite a new couple in to an existing group with a shared history.

Party is organised- 100% cheeky on the cost per invite- that’s just insane- but they invite you along with lots of other people from work, few family, various people from their lives. Four hour party. All good.

They decide to have the close group back to their afterwards for more drinks etc as that’s always been what happens in that group. It is about 20% at best of the people at the main party. You aren’t part of that group and you even live further away so you aren’t invited back to the house.

Seems not unreasonable to me (party cost aside)

You want and maybe need more from the friendship than they do and they are being sociable and accepting your invites but might feel a bit uncomfortable by how much effort you put in and whilst they like you they don’t need new besties.

Possible?

ssd · 20/05/2023 23:12

They sound like a couple of knobs

NoraBattysCurlers · 20/05/2023 23:15

Those who hold a party in a function room in a pub are lambasted on mumsnet if their guests have to buy their own drinks. I never have an issue with this as I understand most people cannot afford to pick up the drinks tab for everyone and it is the only way they can hold a party. I'm perfectly happy to enjoy a get together in a pub and buy my own drinks.

Charging party guests £100 pp for drinks and nibbles is a whole different ballgame. Hearing these figures, it's not beyond the realms of possibility that the after party was for those who wanted to do a few lines of coke. Hence, the select group.

Mirabai · 20/05/2023 23:18

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 23:10

Is this slang? Mandy?

Show quote history

MDMA

whynotwhatknot · 20/05/2023 23:19

id be more annoye at payng for someones party-you had a buffet and some drinks

wtf is that about

whynotwhatknot · 20/05/2023 23:20

How many people were at this surprise party

Original poster
stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 23:29

DreamItDoIt · 20/05/2023 23:10

So OP exactly how many were there at this £100 per head party? Was it in some swanky cocktail bar with champagne and cocktails?

You really seem to be evading questions on the actual party, so do please update us.

Am I "evading questions" :) Gosh this is like PMQs :)
Not at all- it was in a posh venue- yes I'd say swanky cocktail bar (think the Ivy but not the Ivy) with free-flowing drinks (Prosecco and house wine) and finger food (sushi, mini mac and cheese, chicken wings).

OP posts:
Cattenberg · 20/05/2023 23:30

I think what they did was rude and very grabby. I personally wouldn’t bother with them at all after this. If I saw them again at the kids’ sports practice, I’d just smile and say hello, then avoid any further conversation as far as is practical.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/05/2023 23:30

MANDY is a nickname for the synthetic recreational drug methylenedioxy-methylamfetamine (MDMA)) (i.e., ecstasy) in powder or crystal form .

Every day is an education, I did not know this !

ClareBlue · 20/05/2023 23:31

Gingefringe · 20/05/2023 21:59

Swingers

Yes, it's the only logical conclusion. You are going to have to make it clear that you are a willing participant to get the invites to the real parties.

SoShallINever · 20/05/2023 23:33

Coke heads. They know you wouldn't approve. I can't believe you bought them a present as well as the £200.

Swipe left for the next trending thread