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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

367 replies

stanfordpuma · 20/05/2023 21:21

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

OP posts:
dayswithaY · 21/05/2023 11:07

The cash thing is a giveaway, he’s asked you for £200 whereas most venues wouldn’t charge a round number like that. It would be £79 or something.

So he’s added a charge on top of that to finance their exclusive after party.

Lavenderflower · 21/05/2023 11:08

This is a very strange set up - that sound very grabby charging you £100 each. The explanation is that they have different friendship groups and sometimes it is hard to mingle and mix groups up. That being said there behaviour is still odd. I would get rid of them.

MotherOfTheGruffalo · 21/05/2023 11:13

@stanfordpuma OP you have nothing to feel bad about. Clearly they view the friendship differently to you but the level of cheapness from them is shocking. In my cultural background, if you host a party, you pay for the bloody party… not expect guests to cough up. And you pay for what you can afford. Also, if it was such a prestigious place, how can they be so cheap as to expect guests to pay. 🙄

Clearly you are normal OP, you’re a lovely, welcoming host. I think know that you know what they are like, just keep things polite with them, no need for drama. But certainly don’t offer your hospitality to them again.

Also agree, they must be sniffing stuff or swinging at the after party.

ToWhitToWhoo · 21/05/2023 11:15

Expecting you to pay £200 would be a bit outrageous even if you were invited to the main party (unless you're all millionaires and the party is at Buckingham Palace!) If you're not, then it's VERY outrageous1

zingally · 21/05/2023 11:27

£100 each?! To attend a party? Surely parties are meant to be free for the guests...?

That aside, I'd be annoyed as well, but take it as the message it is, Eva and Matt aren't as invested in the friendship as you and your DH are. If you now felt inclined to dial back on your own hospitality, I don't think anyone would blame you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/05/2023 11:27

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/05/2023 10:33

How many people were at the day do? If Matt has asked every couple to pay £200 that's a fucking expensive party, even in a prestigious location. Even with only 10 couples attending that's £2000!

£100 a head is a lot of money by anyone's standards. I think Matt has taken the piss massively and I'd go so far as to say he's ripped you off.

Not to mention the rudeness of not inviting you back. I think maybe the £200 was for the day and evening party, one of which you weren't invited to.

I'd take a huge step back after this. I'd also be tempted to pull him up on it too, the money and not being invited to the evening party - but that's me, I can be a gobby sod sometimes

This. Its almost on the scale of a wedding. And a bit of a cheek, its billed as an "important" birthday, but its the kind of thing I'd expect from a celeb or someone who thought they were on a par with one. What did they do for your 40th?

This may sound like a bit of a Private Eye ish thing to do, (maybe I watch too many detective stories) but I'd be very tempted to contact the venue and ask how much would that cost per head. Or at least ask on their website.

Because then you would know exactly how fair/unfair the charge of £200 from guests was. If it pans out then it is what it is, if not you would at least know

I can understand hosts having a pay bar after a welcome drink - but £200 is way above normal unless the people involved have a very good income, but if they did then one would expect them not to charge their hosts.
We have a friend who loves having parties and has asked for contributions ( not more than £20 a head but he goes to town for this and works really hard on the party and everyone appreciates it. Decorating - hiring props, doing a "booze" run etc. and people get involved because it's really fun.
What your friend did was the opposite and I'm not surprised its left you with a bad taste in the mouth.

Since you have to continue to see them because of this sport. You said that you didn't want to make a scene. You've said that you will move on and avoid getting too involved with them in the future. I'd also be tempted to say in a very brief calm non emotional way, how finding out about the after party made you feel, and see what they say about it. I don't think that is causing a scene, but letting them know you don't like this treatment. Are there other people from the sport in the same position do you think?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/05/2023 11:29

*not to charge their guests I meant to say

TakeMeDancingNakedInTheRain · 21/05/2023 11:31

You paid £200 to attend someone's 40th omg, what? We're all turning 40 this year, anyone having a party at a venue has paid for the venue and to have it catered. We just paid for our drinks. Any house party's we just show up (obviously took drinks and a gift) but the host put on food and drink. I can't believe someone put on a swanky bash but got the guests to pay for it, wow.

I think having to pay to attend says a lot about them, as for the after party, well they aren't real friends are they, I'd phase them out personally.

Scyla · 21/05/2023 11:33

There are a lot of people talking about "them".

It's Matt that did this. It was a surprise. Eva didn't even know about the after party until immediately before hand otherwise it would have been set up in advance and Matt wouldn't be going home to prepare for it. She probably had no idea who he had invited or not and probably didn't know he'd charged people 100 quid each. The after party was very likely an informal arrangement made by their closest local friends with him who don't know OP at all and with little to no planning.

He's the one making all the mistakes, we have no idea what Eva thinks about it. I don't think there's a deliberate snub, it's just all a bit pretentious.

reachingfeverpitch · 21/05/2023 11:39

stanfordpuma · 21/05/2023 10:29

Thank you to everyone for taking the trouble to respond here. Honestly it's been very enlightening to see the different points of view- and very helpful. I really appreciate all the kind words and nice comments- I now feel much better about the situation. I'll pull back from those people a bit. I'll also lower my expectations! Thanks again to everyone.

Please don't pull back from them a bit.

Pull back from them COMPLETELY!

Do you know if anyone else had to pay £200 for nibbles and drinks at the first party?

Sounds like your £200 funded their private party that you weren't invited to.

Don't me made to look like a mug!

Wheresthebeach · 21/05/2023 11:41

I can’t believe they did two parties on the same day with divided invites. I’d fined that beyond stressful and surely they’d know that people would be hurt. Bonkers and just mean. Time to drift away. I hope it was good booze and great food!

oh and it’s not just you OP - we had something similar in a group where every time we got together one of the couple talked about the amazing dinner parties with their new group of friends. It got sufficiently tedious that I stopped meeting up with them. Thankfully two of the other couples felt the same way so we all just meet in the pub now and have a nice time without the competitive ‘our life is so wonderful’ couple.

billy1966 · 21/05/2023 11:46

OP,

You sound lovely and they sound so vulgar.

Be glad you know exactly how crass they are.

Moving forward there is no need to make it uncomfortable for yourselves, just dial down your involvement to chit chat when you meet through the shared sports.

They are deeply tacky people.

Whammyyammy · 21/05/2023 11:51

"Eva and Matt' clearly don't see you both as close friends as much as you see them....

ejbaxa · 21/05/2023 11:52

They’ve behaved badly and weirdly.

badly for charging guests to attend a party and accepting gifts on top

weirdly for them doing an exclusive after party and fibbing about it

Just lessen contact with them. The organiser sounds like a cheeky user - bet he didn’t pay a penny for the party and stung the guests for the lot

i suppose there’s a possibility his wife doesn’t know? Surely she’d know there was a ££££ cost and would know they didn’t pay?

ejbaxa · 21/05/2023 11:54

And don’t invite the cheeky fucks to yours again!

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 21/05/2023 12:00

My bet is the after party involves drugs of some sort. And that's not your bag?

AgrathaChristie · 21/05/2023 12:00

I think the collection of multiple £100s probably paid for both parties.
They don’t sound like good friends, OP, I’d ditch them.

Wristfolds · 21/05/2023 12:02

I think if you’re doing a party and can’t invite everyone to all of it that’s totally fine but you have to be up front! Ie for a wedding a personal message to say you’re only invited after the ceremony//to the evening due to space. If it’s a very close friend you’d probably call them to explain.

On the night they’ve both essentially lied by omission. You’re right that it would have been entirely different if they’d openly responded ‘oh some of my work crowd are going onto ours- we got worried about space so didn’t ask everyone but if you pop in and don’t mind standing there will be fizz!’

If it’s any comfort they probably both felt a bit awkward and small when they had to weasel away from your good faith questions

mcmooberry · 21/05/2023 12:04

Matt and Eva are two of life's takers and, if it was me, I would never host them again. So their loss in the long run.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 21/05/2023 12:06

OP, these friends have given you gift of knowledge. You know where you stand with them so really you can do what you like. I’m assuming you will cool the friendship down now and just be polite owing to the children’s sport. That’s fine.

You owe these people nothing, so give them just that.

BTW, you sound fab and if you ever need an extra person at a dinner party I’d be happy to come over!

Cotton55 · 21/05/2023 12:06

I can't even imagine inviting people to a party and telling them it's costing £100 each!! I won't host a party if I couldn't afford to foot the cost of doing so. Unbelievable!

These people aren't friends. They are arseholes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2023 12:11

£100 a head is wedding guest territory. My thoughts are that this couple want a champagne lifestyle on more of a shoe string budget.

I’ve never charged people for parties and wouldn’t have asked for money for this one. We used to have big, relatively extravagant parties once upon a time and had a large budget / income. I was grossly annoyed when one couple did a mediocre bbq and charged £5 a head, being your own booze after rocking up to ours more times than I can remember, popping by empty handed several times and being given the red carpet and often a bed for the night. Shortly after that, put my foot down with them as they took the piss further. Some people are life’s takers.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 21/05/2023 12:11

Thats so rude. Also who charges to attend a party?! They obviously wanted this venue but couldnt afford it. I couldnt. Move past this. Its so grabby, entitled and having a second party for the real friends afterwards.. Clearly they have no shame.

LakieLady · 21/05/2023 12:13

Gingefringe · 20/05/2023 21:59

Swingers

I was thinking exactly that!

That or they're one of these weird couples who "compartmentalise" their friends. I used to know someone who was like that (although her partner wasn't). A diagram of her social network would have been like a very complex Venn diagram, where some friends would meet other friends but never all of them.

I ghosted her in the end, I couldn't be doing with it (not just for that, mind, she was a user as well).

DoctorMartin · 21/05/2023 12:14

They're either swingers or they do drugs. I wouldn't be offended - they probably know that whatever was happening at the after party wasn't your thing.