To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

What you say makes absolute sense. Still totally reasonable for the Op to be hurt. I would feel exactly like that too

I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. Loads of places in London would easily cost that - you were invited to a celebration, told the cost, happily went along and paid what you owed. I think you sound like a lovely friend. I’d be pissed off if I was you! Very rude imo.

Will you say anything to them?!

Daretodenims comments are really good, and I have taken note of them myself 😁

I often end up on the wrong side of a cheeky fuckers plans. The worst yet was when a friend of mine had a 50th, and no one did anything to celebrate it. I was mortified that no one cared, so I took her out and made a big fuss of her, including lovely present, and told her how great she was. Then I found out she'd had a party, and I wasn't invited, and everyone had just kept quiet about it. I've also found myself following through with commitments I have agreed on where others bail, and I find myself as the last one standing.

I too have got upset, felt a mug, and felt humiliated. One of my very good friends tells me "just because others have no standards, doesn't mean you should lower yours". I try to remember this. Other people are massive narcissists and think we are all a stage, props and staff, to support them as the star of the show.

More fool you op, sorry to say. They have clearly showed you time and time again that you are not in their group of friends but friendly acquaintances to hang out with. According to your own posts they have done this before. If you and your dh chose to ignore this, then you have only yourself to blame. I'm absolutely certain that they have done many other things similar to this and you have ignored that too. All your posts suggest that. It really sounds like both of you want to be friends with them so badly and hoped to be in their in crowd when all along you know you are not, and they don't view you as real friends.

Since when did you have to pay to go to a birthday party?
Sod that.

I can’t imagine paying £200 to attend someone else’s 40th birthday party. That’s completely weird for starters!

Surely when you arrange a party and invite guests, you also cover the cost?

If you can’t afford it, you make it a pot luck party and guests each bring something to share.

Charging £100 (for a shit portion of buffet food) is beyond rude and these people are clearly cheeky fuckers who are all about themselves.

You need to find new friends OP who put the same level of effort into the friendship as you do, otherwise all you’re left with is people like this, selfish users. These are not the sort of people who will support you when the chips are down, because they’ll run a mile in the opposite direction.

Keep contact to a minimum from now on.

WTF 🤬

£100 each to go to a birthday celebration to cover drinks and nibbles.

Is this the norm in any social environment?

I've certainly never heard of it, but maybe I don't move in these social circles. I'm wondering if there are social environments where it is the norm.

Excellent post, I think it sums up the situation perfectly.

The unpleasant and unecessary bit for me comes with the 'charge' to attend.

You simply don't charge people to attend a party you've invited them to. That's insane. Maybe they were expecting you to decline at this point, but had to carry on with the charge once you accepted.

I would imagine only certain people were charged, and it won't have been the 'after party' gang.

I know the OP says the money isn't an issue, but it's the biggest example of how these people don't see you as friends to socialise with, more as acquaintances.

I think you need to give your head a wobble @stanfordpuma
Seriously. Read the thread through as a dispassionate observer. Do you honestly think paying that much to go to a friend's party is a reasonable thing to do?

Have you ever paid that much to go to another friend's party?

Haven’t RTFT but for me it would depend on how many and who was invited to the after party.

If the party you were invited to was 100 people and they only invited their 5 closest friends I wouldn’t mind, if they invited 80 out of 100 then I’d be put out.

Or if the after party was all family for example then that’s also fine.

Who has a party 4-8? Sounds like a kids' party!

Yes, really rude, and tbh £100 each is a shocker. I don't get why that wouldn't be the main party - why bother having 2 on the same day?!

You come across as a kind and generous person. They do not. Don't waste any more of your time, money or friendship on them.

Disgusting behaviour. They're not going to see the inside of your house again are they?

My first thought is that you were the only two to spend £200 on attending. Did no one else at the party mention that it’s a bit steep for some bbq wings and cheap fizz?

I agree. No-one pays that. That racks up to thousands for an early evening drinks and nibbles party.

Agree with this, be courteous when you see them with the DCs but I wouldn't engage any more, move on to friends who value you.

This ^

Well I don't think you're ridiculous at all to have paid, if anyone's ridiculous it's your friends for asking people to fork out £200 to come to their party!

How tight and mean, if you're hosting a party then host it! (and pay for it!)

If you can't afford to treat your friends at a surprise party for your wife, then do something that you can afford.

Going forward OP I'd be friendly enough with these people when you bump into them, but no more invites to your house.

Some MNetters live in a strange universe where it's ok to go freeloading to other people's houses but never return the invitation - and those are the CF's just like your friends.

You sound like a lovely, generous friend to have, and sadly some CFs will always take advantage of this 💐

I would remain polite with them if you have to still see each other. But would be massively going out of my way to avoid them. Two hundred pound is disgraceful to pay to attend a party. The usual is to pay for your own drinks but not the snacks. Wow they have got a right money spinner going here. Think you have just woken up to the fact they are not real friends. Cut yourselves free and find some real friends that won’t take advantage of your kind nature. There are a lot of manipulating individuals and unfortunately they prey on the kind hearted. Recognise what they are and move forward.

What fuckers. You sound lovely OP, I'm sure you've got lots of great friends who really appreciate and value you. I don't think you're foolish for having paid. This is all on them.

I think many are being quite unkind here.

The power of the group dynamic is pretty strong and women in particular often value the being in a group more than having individual friends. Being part of a successful group signifies popularity and keeps the diary packed, whereas individual friends take more time and aren’t as cool. In this case, it was rubbed in your face - assuming many went to the after party - which isn’t great.

The £200 cost is totally off but beforehand I’d imagine rolling my eyes a bit at their extravagance and thinking everyone was paying. (My guess is that only some paid).

I reckon this is the real reason. I used to know a group like that who always left other peoples parties early and went back to one person's house to do drugs and stay up all night (all in their 40s).

You’re clearly nice, decent people who have encountered a pair of selfish, transactional users. Don’t beat yourself up over it, it happens. To them you are just a nice couple they chat to at football (or whatever) and they felt too awkward to say no to you when you asked them over for dinner.

It sounds like you treated them to a lovely evening with amazing food but clearly, they don’t have these skills (me neither) so played it safe with a takeaway when you when back to theirs.

I just think you haven’t read them right and they are subtly keeping you at arms length and keeping their older, closer group of friends as their entertaining circle. They were only ever friendly acquaintances and never intended to be anything more.

They invited you to the paying venue because they needed numbers and as it finished at 8pm (weird) they always intended to invite their close friends back, because who wants to barrel home, drunk, in the early evening when you’ve paid for a babysitter.

Inviting that nice couple from football along to their house party would totally change the vibe, plus if they live in a 3 bed semi they wouldn’t have the room for everyone. I do understand it, but obviously it stings if it’s you on the receiving end.

Just smile and say hi next time you see them, learn from it. People are different that’s all.

Having said that, nothing could convince me to stuff £200 of cash in an envelope and hand it to a man I barely know to pay for his wife’s party.

Yes, that’s how some people have made me feel on here over the years. It’s a horrible feeling. Anyway, back to your non friends. They’ve shown you who they really are. I too take people at face value and have been caught out. Remain polite at the kids sports events and dont get caught up in their nonsense. Real friends make you feel good about yourself, not like shit. Took me years to realise that.