To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

I would be distancing myself from this couple. Rude of them not to invite you, especially as you had paid to attend the "main event".
In my opinion if you want a party you pay for it, not your guests!
You sound lovely op, I'm sure you have other friends to spend time with.

This!

They sound most unpleasant and grabby - £100 per head for drinks and nibbles is ridiculous.

I don’t see how anything is to be gained from a confrontation but would definitely keep my distance in future. No more invites extended or accepted. Minimum interaction. They’re nasty cheapskates.

I agree with this. I also don't think £100pp is a lot for what the OP described. And anyway the cost is not what she is upset about.
I would feel 'not good enough' too and that's a horrible feeling. OP, I think you sound like you'd be a good friend and a marvellous hostess. Their loss.

Matt doesn’t have any social etiquette. If you throw a party for your wife’s special birthday YOU PAY FOR IT YOURSELF. You don’t ask guests to pay. At £100 per head for drinks and nibbles he clearly couldn’t afford it. So if say only 30 people went, he genuinely paid three grand for a party that lasted 4pm-8pm when a lot of restaurants are shut anyway??!!! Sounds a bit odd to me. If you’re hosting a decent party for a 30th or 40th they do cost a lot of money, Matt has charged his guests to attend - it’s outrageous!! When someone said you’re being ridiculous, I don’t think they were being cruel. It just seems very very weird way to host a party.

What sort of loser doesn’t pay for his wife’s 40th? But hey, whatever it sounds like you had a nice time up to that point.

The whole “after-party” thing would boil my piss to find out like that.

And I’m another one thinking drugs or keys in a bowl at the after party

Exactly, and they can’t face seeing you next Saturday at little Emily’s karate class.

Hi, next time you see them I'd be tempted to ask, breezily 'how did the rest of the party go?' but I'm like that. I agree with PP, just don't invite them any more, don't socialise with them, be polite and cheery but only interact with them when you see them. My child does a niche sport. I get on with the other parents and we might go out to eat if we are away competing but we don't socialise beyond that and the occasional coffee.

Unless op finds out otherwise it could be the people invited to the after party might be pissed off they weren't good enough to be invited to the posh nibbles bash. Who knows?

I'm not reading it as paying £100 to attend a party.

So not £100pp for some sausage rolls in the back of a pub, or a Tesco spread in a community centre.

Surely more of a 'set menu' at a smart (op said 'prestigious') restaurant or bar, going for X's birthday, who's in, sort of thing.

Typical cost for that sort of thing around here too. We all pay for ourselves when we celebrate a birthday like that. Sometimes difficult to get a booking for big numbers at the perfect time which might explain weird 4-8 timings.

Interested to know whether there were two events for two separate crowds, or whether everyone except op was going back to their house. Less offensive if it's the former maybe.

This must be becoming a thing that people do. This is around the third thread on similar scenarios. It was once usual to have family back after a party at a venue. Or in the case of a 18/21 they'd had a few mates back, or a group would head into town and everyone else would be at the venue still. As said, it's a case of the OP thinking that she is closer friends than they actually are.

Did you talk to others who also weren’t invited, and if so what was their reaction?

It’s bad enough being expected to pay £100 each to go to a party and only get drinks and nibbles. But to be excluded from the after party was horrible. Adding insult to injury.

Thank you to everyone for taking the trouble to respond here. Honestly it's been very enlightening to see the different points of view- and very helpful. I really appreciate all the kind words and nice comments- I now feel much better about the situation. I'll pull back from those people a bit. I'll also lower my expectations! Thanks again to everyone.

How many people were at the “posh” party? How many people seemed to be invited back?

Its ridiculously rude that you were excluded from party part two - and it outlines what Matt really thinks of you. You’re good enough to pay to be a small part of their day, but not good enough to hang out at home with their other friends afterwards. He sounds like a total user and a loser. Distance yourself from these people, apart from at the sports events.

Also, OP: are you sure that everyone paid £100 each to attend this party? Part of me suspects that he charged only you because he didn’t really want you there, and he thought the cost might put you off.

How many people were at the day do? If Matt has asked every couple to pay £200 that's a fucking expensive party, even in a prestigious location. Even with only 10 couples attending that's £2000!

£100 a head is a lot of money by anyone's standards. I think Matt has taken the piss massively and I'd go so far as to say he's ripped you off.

Not to mention the rudeness of not inviting you back. I think maybe the £200 was for the day and evening party, one of which you weren't invited to.

I'd take a huge step back after this. I'd also be tempted to pull him up on it too, the money and not being invited to the evening party - but that's me, I can be a gobby sod sometimes

They've totally hoodwinked you. They've bragged about fancy food and fancy spreads "they" do with friends. Now you know those friends are pay per view. The ones they invite to theirs are either a sex group or they are even more keen to schmooze them and they needed a boost to fund it. Like so many, they can't afford the lifestyle they want to convince people they have. They're fake all the way through to their cheapskate core

Matt and Eva come across as very selfish, thoughtless people, you come across as good supportive friends willing to put lots of effort into your friendships. You deserve much better friends than those two, I would distance myself from them and just keep it on a casual basis for when it suits you. Try not to worry too much about it, there are lots of thoughtless/ selfish people about and you’re not one of them. Spend more time with nicer people.

They'd be put in my 'unless they contact me I won't bother with them' group
They've showed you where you stand with them , listen to it

Tbh you sound bonkers to have agreed to spend 200 on someone else's party for four hours and a few drinks and nibbles.

I totally get this OP. We have been thoughtful and regular hosts to various friends but have figured out that we feature very low down their lists of priority friends. They turn up for what we host (and pay for) but we don't make the cut for anything they do.
It's stung and it's hurt, but we've had enough and pulled back. Unfortunately that's left us with virtually nothing to do for several months now, but we don't want to go back to hosting and feeling resentful. I do get that people can choose who they want to host but I also feel it crosses a line of rudeness when it's not reciprocated ever.
What has happened to you is like the children's party when all but one is picked for the sleepover after - it's mean!
I'm joining local events / groups and I hope eventually we'll find people where the friendship is more balanced.
I'd say definitely pull back on this one - they've behaved appallingly and for whatever reason you don't "fit in" with their real friends. That won't change.

They're not the kind of people you want to be friends with as you have different and conflicting values, and YANBU to be upset and annoyed with them.
Tbh, the £200 for the 'prestigious' venue in the fag end of the afternoon would have put me off them anyway. Who do they think they are that they'd ask people to pay so much for the privilege of celebrating their birthday and don't have the grace to even say thank you and goodbye when they're leaving? Ill mannered, grasping dickheads.
You can still be pleasant enough when you meet at the shared activity, and only you can decide on the level of hospitality you offer others in future, but I'd do it without expecting full reciprocation tbh.

Op, you sound absolutely lovely and therefore I’m sure you have tons of real friends who appreciate you.
Matt and Eva are not real friends. They’re people you know through your kids’ sport. I know lots of Matts and Evas and they’re not worth getting upset about. Put them in the box of ‘people you socialise with’, but don’t give them the key to your friend box.
Don’t feel bad or used or foolish. You had a fun evening with them and they’ve made up the numbers when you’ve hosted. It’s all good as long as you remember what they are.

Tbis 💯