To be annoyed at paying £200 for 40th "surprise" birthday party but not be invited to the "real" party?

[stanfordpuma]

We are a married couple and we have friends, “Eva and Matt”. We invite them to our house frequently and are super-hospitable to them in our home. They have a close circle of friends who live near to them and we know they do a lot of entertaining/socialising without us (obviously fine, we’re all grownups).
Matt recently invited us to Eva’s 40th birthday where we were asked to turn up at a prestigious venue for the “surprise” party and pay £100 each to be part of the party. We were very happy to do this, showed up early for the “surprise”, paid our £200 for the party, brought a present and wished her well.
The party at the venue was at a slightly weird time- 4pm to 8pm on a Saturday- but we didn’t think much of this. We got a babysitter for our kids (he said “no kids”) and showed up to celebrate with her.
Towards the end of the party (as we thought) we were looking for Matt to say goodbye and Eva told us that he had left. We thought this was a bit odd and wondered if they had had an argument. However my husband called Matt and he was on his way home to their house to prepare for the “after party” to which we were clearly not invited.
So- Matt invited us to his wife’s surprise party- for which we paid £200 and couldn’t refuse “because it’s her important birthday”- but didn’t invite us to the “real” party which was clearly taking place from 8pm onwards at their house.
Am I over-reacting to be annoyed that we just got invited to “fill up the numbers” for the surprise in the fancy venue, but weren’t asked to be there at their house? I understand that they’d prefer to have the “after party” with their “real” friends, but it stings a bit that we were only invited to make up the numbers (and the money) at a prestigious venue.

I agree that the differences in hosting- full on effort vs takeaway- isn’t a big deal- people are just different in how they host (I guess if they asked you to pay for your takeaway that’s a cheekier though?).

And definitely agree that people have different friendship groups, and had they decided it was their old, close friendship group only that they were inviting, that would be completely understandable, and it doesn’t sound like the OP would have questioned that.

But honestly, whilst I do try and go with the flow and not look for offence, I just don’t think having two parties in one night, where some people (who paid for the first!!) aren’t invited to the second- is just REALLY rude, I can’t make myself chilled out enough to think that’s ok! Of course a genuine after party (where you’ve been out til late and many people want to go to bed, but a few hard core revellers party on)- is one thing, but really, an 8pm finish for party one, and then moving on to party 2 without some guests- I can’t see a way that that is anything but rude.

Hope you’re ok OP. I hate that feeling of having been taken for a ride- but as a PP said, they sound very self absorbed, and it’s not a reflection on you. I’d continue to be friendly when you see them, but wouldn’t spend any more time thinking too much about them or inviting them over again.

I find the whole British approach to A and B list invites to parties and weddings rude and tacky.

I am not at all surprised to read a story like this because when it is considered so acceptable for weddings, why wouldn't it be extended to birthday parties and other social events?

Having to pay to attend what is typically a gift giving occasion is rude too.

Did you pay the venue or the husband? Because if it was to the husband I expect a lot of the money went to fund the after party instead of the drinks and canapes at the venue.

I'd be quietly withdrawing from this 'friendship'. I cannot think of any reason why they could not have invited you back to theirs. It's extremely rude.

Also, who the hell throws a party, but asks guests to stump up £100 each to attend. If you can't afford to host a party, then don't have one, or adjust the venue etc to your budget. I've been to plenty of parties where I've been asked to take a bottle and some nibbles, but never a £100 pounds.

Matt and Eva are arseholes.

I think that you’ve been very ill done too. You are very justified in feeling hurt.

But I think that you have to work out what you do next.
What on earth are you going to say to these people the next time you see them.

If it was me I would ask her if she enjoyed her birthday orgy.

Hopefully they were all fuelled up by consuming your £200 worth of drinks and nibbles.

Op, you sound like an amazing friend. Generous, hospitable and welcoming.

Normal people would adore you and would reciprocate in the best way they could. I'm afraid this couple are not normal people. And I think they recognise your generosity and have taken full advantage of it. They are quite quite mercenary.

This couple have treated you very badly. They have shown you what they think of you. They charged you £200 for drinks and nibbles. If hosts can't afford a party then they shouldn't have a party. You don't charge guests.

Please detach from this awful people. Of course be polite at sporting events / training but don't socialise with them ever again. Even if they offer you dinner etc, don't get drawn in. Politely decline. Be busy.

You will need to learn to recognise piss takers early on in your acquaintance stage.

I think it’s really cheeky to have asked you to pay £200 to go to someone’s drinks birthday party.

I can totally see why you are upset. It’s horrible of them not to ask you back to party.

I would just distance from them and put it down to experience.

I think it was £200 well spent. You have paid to find out the true nature of these people, and to have a clear conscience about distancing yourself from them in future. You can spent your future time and money on your lovely dinner parties for worthier recipients. There doesn't need to be any drama. Just no more invites for these two CFs, and stick to polite chit chat about the weather. Don't let them knock your confidence, you've done nothing wrong.

@allthewoes agree with you. Knowing that people have other friends is fine. Realising you're not as close as you thought is horrible. I went to drop off a birthday present for a friend, only to realise she had invited other friends over for dinner, not me. I didn't say anything but was v upset. We are still friends, but I don't feel as close now

OP I hope you’re feeling better about things this morning.

Were you guys the only ones who had to contribute to the party cost??

*Stick to polite chit chat if you see them at sport.

How many people do you think were at the party OP?

If it was 40 people that's four thousand pounds?

I would have taken the gift back, but I'm petty like that and I bet it was a nice candle or something.

If it had just been the evening party do you think you would have been invited? Maybe Eva handled list for evening party, which would have been the local circle, and Matt who was handling the surprise didn’t think it fully through and invited you both as he (genuinely but also cheekily) wanted as many of her friends there as possible. And then, to avoid spoiling the surprise, didn’t really have a way to ask Eva to add you to the evening guest list?

Secondly, I know this isn’t the point of the post, but I’m genuinely curious about the £100pp for the pre-party. Even a wedding doesn’t usually cost that per person, and that’s with canapés and a sit down three course meal with wine etc. The cost is really odd, as is the fact your friend doesn’t seem to have subsidised it at all (if he has - the cost must be even more bonkers!). Is it possible he’s inflated the cost of that to cover some of the evening party expenses? I know this doesn’t help how you’re feeling :( but my curiosity is getting the better of me x

I agree with @Twazique and @Sierra26 the costing has been inflated.

For 4 hours drinks and fancy canapes in a posh venue, £100 may be an OK price

Agree with PP that a handful of local friends going to the house is different from almost everyone else being invited

Anyway, you're not as close friends as you thought. That's upsetting to realise, but you don't have to cut them out completely

Well, who needs friends like that. I think you can safely say you do not need to be seeing this couple again. Ever. Even asking you to pay for her party is bad enough, without the rest.

I would actually call her or message her and tell her straight that you think their expectations / behaviour around this 40th was appalling. Leave them in no doubt as to why you will not be socialising with them again. Just tell them.

They are incredibly rude OP. If the after party was for close family and friends then I think matt would have mentioned it when innitialy inviting you guys. Instead he sounds cagey because he does not consider you as close friends hence no invite.

Going forward, just keep it civil as the kids have sporting activities etc but don't invite them round ever again. They are not worthy of your generos hospitality op. Clearly they are arseholes and you have now been blessed to see them for what they are.

BTW you are NOT ridiculous or a mug OP.
I'm sure we have all been in situations where we have met people, thought they are nice only to realise what they are truly like over TIME and then have backed off. I know I have.

Never in my life have I paid to attend a party or asked others to contribute money when I've hosted.
Sure, we'll often arrange to bring drinks or desserts or whatever.. but a cash transfer?

Is this a thing now?!?

If it is, that's weird 😂

Ugh. They sound like truly horrid people! I would definitely have felt the sting of that rejection but I think it strongly confirms that you've unfortunately been in a very 1 sided 'acquaintance-ship' & they are without doubt NOT your friends.

That was an unbelievably shitty thing for them to do to you (& others?) & I am staggered that they had the nerve to charge people that insane amount of money (or ANY money!) to attend a party they were hosting!! Who does that?? And if there was a party at their house anyway, why the 1st venue party? Dickheads.

I'd pull right back & just be civil at the sports events & find some nicer people to bestow your hospitality on.

If it was me I would just have to call the venue or go on the website to check their prices. As PP have said, most weddings don’t cost £100 per head for a 3 course sit down, and that’s after they add a premium just because it’s a wedding.

Call them, and this may make things clearer in your mind as to what exactly happened here.

I think your friends are not good friends, but your response here is a bit silly and OTT. You’re being very precious about someone drawing an obvious conclusion, and not even in an unkind way.

Based on the info you’ve given, 100 a head is a ridiculous price for drinks and nibbles. Did you pay this couple cash or to the venue directly which would be the expected option. If the former, I think you may have been had.

Good point! ⬆️

Honestly, I’d ensure that other parents from the sporting team know exactly how classless these CFs are. I’d make sure to include info about having had them over for meals, etc, only to have had your hospitality returned once - with a takeaway, and now you find out that the £200 you spent on the surprise party was pocketed to pay for the “real event” afterwards. Cheap buggers.

Absolutely agree. The OP will feel like it’s a hard lesson to learn but in the long run, it’s the best £200 they’ve ever spent because they’ve seen the true colours of these grubby grabbers and can walk away holding their heads high that they’re now free of them.

And I’m another one thinking drugs or keys in a bowl at the after party