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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat teenagers - sports teams

302 replies

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:02

I have just had 16 year old ds in tears as he has spent the day, pretty much the whole day, with his cricket team and didn't bowl or bat the whole entire time. Apparently he fielded in a crap position too (can't remember the term he used because cricket is full of fucking stupid terms no one understands) and feels like he may as well not have been there. He's never been much of a crier and it has been heart-breaking to see him so upset and now I'm really fucking angry.

I completely understand that if others are better than him they're going to get more overs or whatever. I'm not suggesting he should have a turn at opening the batting. But would it really be such a fucking disaster for this fourth team if someone not quite as good as someone else who's probably not all that bowled a couple of overs?? Really? Would the earth stop turning if that happened? He says he played well last week and took a wicket so why nothing this week?

AIBU to think this is really shitty, especially with 16 year olds? DS has had exams all week and looked forward to this as a break and now it has left him feeling shit. Thank fuck his exams went well others god knows what state he would be in. If anyone/anyone's dh captains a team of this sort and can explain to me why this is any way ok I'd love to hear it. At least this match was only a 20 minute drive away. We've had it in the past where we've driven well over an hour for similar to happen. I wish ex had never got him in to cricket (just to take little to no interest in how he does for most of the time).

OP posts:
FawnFrenchieMum · 20/05/2023 20:04

If he was 6 I might agree with you, but by 16 he must surely know that teams get selected for all sorts of reasons. Usually in sports passed junior level, that’s on ability.

Original poster
pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:08

Yes, but he has been selected just to waste the entire day. Why not say to him 'I'm sorry, you're not selected,' if he's not good enough? Instead they drag him along what, to make up the numbers? And he wastes an entire day feeling shit about himself. If they told him he's not good enough he could get over it but it feels like they string him along just in case they need him at some point.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:08

At 16 it’s always competitive sport. You might give a 6 year old a go to be ‘fair’ but it doesn’t work that way in sports with older teens.

BirbFriend · 20/05/2023 20:09

Hmm. At 16 this is par for the course.

If they were 7 year olds I'd agree with you. But once you're over 13 or so playing a competitive sport it's no longer about fairness or letting everyone have a go.

It's a life lesson.

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:09

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:08

Yes, but he has been selected just to waste the entire day. Why not say to him 'I'm sorry, you're not selected,' if he's not good enough? Instead they drag him along what, to make up the numbers? And he wastes an entire day feeling shit about himself. If they told him he's not good enough he could get over it but it feels like they string him along just in case they need him at some point.

Do you not understand sports though? Of course they need people who are basically on the bench incase they need him at some point. That’s literally how it works. At 16 he should get that.

BirbFriend · 20/05/2023 20:10

it feels like they string him along just in case they need him at some point

That's what every single sports team does. They have a bench/subs/spares. This is not an unusual situation.

Zuyi · 20/05/2023 20:12

Cricket is such a time waster! Try almost any other sport and it won't be like that.

Littlefish · 20/05/2023 20:13

It's really common in cricket not to get a bat. It completely depends where he is in the batting order, and how the batsmen above him get on.

Sometimes only the first 3 batsmen get to bat in a whole 40 over game.

Bowling can also be specialised, even in a 4th team, depending on the wicket and the opposition. The team will want to win, and the captain will therefore choose the bowlers who will give them the best chance of doing this.

There are absolutely no guarantees.

I'm afraid your ds needs to grow a thicker skin.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 20/05/2023 20:13

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:08

Yes, but he has been selected just to waste the entire day. Why not say to him 'I'm sorry, you're not selected,' if he's not good enough? Instead they drag him along what, to make up the numbers? And he wastes an entire day feeling shit about himself. If they told him he's not good enough he could get over it but it feels like they string him along just in case they need him at some point.

I don't understand your point? Yes, teams actually do have to make up the numbers. It isn't a fair game if one team has fewer players than the other. He's still better than the kid who wasn't chosen at all.

Even if everyone had a turn at bowling or fielding in the "better position" then someone would still have to be in the lower spot. Even in the world's greatest cricket team, there's still someone who played the position your son did.

I know nothing about cricket so maybe I'm totally off but just because your son didn't like the position he was put in, that doesn't mean he wasn't valuable to the team, surely?

Dacadactyl · 20/05/2023 20:15

Unfortunately, team sports get RUTHLESS the minute they hit about 11.

The options are that you leave the sport because your son doesn't get picked enough and you/he get fed up of it, or you stick it out and resign yourself to often being on the bench.

I'm not totally unsympathetic to your son's plight, but I'm surprised it's taken this long for him to realise. It must've happened to others at the club beforehand.

The exams will have made him more emotional because of tiredness and stress. Just be there for him.

PermanentTemporary · 20/05/2023 20:15

I'm with you. Cricket is particularly bad for this because it lasts so long and uses such a range of skills. It does depend on the coach, though - some are better at managing than others. I'm also im afraid sure that by 16, independent school kids predominate because they get more practice time.

Ask what he wants to do. Does he want to try another club, another sport? He doesn't have to do it if it's miserable.

Garethkeenansstapler · 20/05/2023 20:18

‘Awful’? ‘In tears’? ‘Really fucking angry’? Over cricket?? Get a real problem OP 🙄

thecatinthetwat · 20/05/2023 20:21

My DH said that this is how cricket works apparently. You need a team of 11, but only some will bat. If your main batters get bowled out, then more will bat, but often they won’t.
I hope that made sense.
anyway, perhaps you could talk this through with him. It sounds as though he is good and on the team, but not a prime batter.
hope that helps!

MatildaTheCat · 20/05/2023 20:22

Was it compulsory? You mention 4th team which sounds like school. If so, I agree it’s pretty crap and demoralising. Yes, sport as with so much does need resilience and you can’t always be centre stage but if you insist in having the kids there then give them a bloody go.

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:22

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:02

I have just had 16 year old ds in tears as he has spent the day, pretty much the whole day, with his cricket team and didn't bowl or bat the whole entire time. Apparently he fielded in a crap position too (can't remember the term he used because cricket is full of fucking stupid terms no one understands) and feels like he may as well not have been there. He's never been much of a crier and it has been heart-breaking to see him so upset and now I'm really fucking angry.

I completely understand that if others are better than him they're going to get more overs or whatever. I'm not suggesting he should have a turn at opening the batting. But would it really be such a fucking disaster for this fourth team if someone not quite as good as someone else who's probably not all that bowled a couple of overs?? Really? Would the earth stop turning if that happened? He says he played well last week and took a wicket so why nothing this week?

AIBU to think this is really shitty, especially with 16 year olds? DS has had exams all week and looked forward to this as a break and now it has left him feeling shit. Thank fuck his exams went well others god knows what state he would be in. If anyone/anyone's dh captains a team of this sort and can explain to me why this is any way ok I'd love to hear it. At least this match was only a 20 minute drive away. We've had it in the past where we've driven well over an hour for similar to happen. I wish ex had never got him in to cricket (just to take little to no interest in how he does for most of the time).

I agree with you, he is in the 'fourth team', it is just unnecessary and actually I have a really hard time relating to folk who spout out stuff about him not being 6 (often said by those don't have DC or have young DC), he is still a child and guess what, even like adults, but more so as he isn't one, it can be truly shit being rejected and have your exams and stress of those to Undertake. What happened to youngsters partaking in sport to encourage being active for life - no wonder so many people in this country don't partake in any sport, it is this attitude that puts people off. I would like to go swimming but no that I'll be hissed at by the lane swimmers. My 16 year old DS plays football/basketball in the park but he is no Rooney, should he just give up!!

Original poster
pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:23

Thank you (mostly). The public school thing is definitely an issue - his team has several kids in it who don't live in the area and drive up in Mercs, dominate the games and don't know anyone's names. Lovely.

Garethkeenansstapler You can cry about anything that upsets you, you know. There isn't a criteria that has to be fulfilled. And cricket is really upsetting when you spend 6 solid hours hanging around wondering why you bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:23

Oh, and he has always accepted probably not batting. It's not even getting to bowl that has really upset him today.

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:25

Garethkeenansstapler · 20/05/2023 20:18

‘Awful’? ‘In tears’? ‘Really fucking angry’? Over cricket?? Get a real problem OP 🙄

Wow, how unkind, he's probably stressed with exams, these are 16 year old emotions and issues, why belittle a kid- so sad!

Zuyi · 20/05/2023 20:25

Did he speak up to the captain (or whoever decides) about being able to bowl? Did his team win or lose?

Dacadactyl · 20/05/2023 20:26

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:22

I agree with you, he is in the 'fourth team', it is just unnecessary and actually I have a really hard time relating to folk who spout out stuff about him not being 6 (often said by those don't have DC or have young DC), he is still a child and guess what, even like adults, but more so as he isn't one, it can be truly shit being rejected and have your exams and stress of those to Undertake. What happened to youngsters partaking in sport to encourage being active for life - no wonder so many people in this country don't partake in any sport, it is this attitude that puts people off. I would like to go swimming but no that I'll be hissed at by the lane swimmers. My 16 year old DS plays football/basketball in the park but he is no Rooney, should he just give up!!

Show quote history

But (in football, at least) there are competitive grassroots clubs, even if the team is in the 6th division or whatever, they want to win. The coaches and kids on the team WANT to win. Equal game time in these clubs ensures that the "better" kids leave the club.

There are other, less competitive clubs, where they focus on equal game time etc. You just have to find the right fit club for the child in question.

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:26

The public school thing is definitely an issue - his team has several kids in it who don't live in the area and drive up in Mercs, dominate the games and don't know anyone's names. Lovely.

Relevance??

No one forces you to send your kid to public school but it’s even worse to do it and then have some sort of weird judgement over everyone else. Who cares if some kids drive mercs to games? How does that impact your son?

Garethkeenansstapler · 20/05/2023 20:27

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:23

Thank you (mostly). The public school thing is definitely an issue - his team has several kids in it who don't live in the area and drive up in Mercs, dominate the games and don't know anyone's names. Lovely.

Garethkeenansstapler You can cry about anything that upsets you, you know. There isn't a criteria that has to be fulfilled. And cricket is really upsetting when you spend 6 solid hours hanging around wondering why you bothered.

Of course you can, I can’t stop you (nor would I). But you asked AIBU and a 16 year old boy crying because he didn’t get a go batting and his mum being ‘really angry’ about it is way over the top in my opinion, not normal at all.

MadeInChorley · 20/05/2023 20:27

I am a parent and I manage a sports team. Not cricket. I don’t select players, positions or “order” - the coaches do that.

BUT, is he in the right club? Some are hyper competing, but frankly being in the best or too local team can be a bit “meh” unless they are super duper players. What I would say is that lots of sports teams, yes including cricket teams, are very welcoming and actively looking for keen young players. And by “keen” I mean not the best players but those boys and girls who are able to commit regularly - turn up to training and be readily available to play matches. Your son sons great. Find a different set up that will let his enthusiasm shine through.

helpfulperson · 20/05/2023 20:27

Cricket is particularly like this. If he is fielding in some of the longer positions he may not get to do anything all day but if a ball comes his direction whether he catches it or not can change a whole game.

Sounds like cricket is maybe not his game.

LakeTiticaca · 20/05/2023 20:28

One of life's important lessons is realising that you don't always get what you want. Youngsters need to learn this and the sooner the better. It will help them greatly when they join the real world