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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an awful way to treat teenagers - sports teams

302 replies

pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:02

I have just had 16 year old ds in tears as he has spent the day, pretty much the whole day, with his cricket team and didn't bowl or bat the whole entire time. Apparently he fielded in a crap position too (can't remember the term he used because cricket is full of fucking stupid terms no one understands) and feels like he may as well not have been there. He's never been much of a crier and it has been heart-breaking to see him so upset and now I'm really fucking angry.

I completely understand that if others are better than him they're going to get more overs or whatever. I'm not suggesting he should have a turn at opening the batting. But would it really be such a fucking disaster for this fourth team if someone not quite as good as someone else who's probably not all that bowled a couple of overs?? Really? Would the earth stop turning if that happened? He says he played well last week and took a wicket so why nothing this week?

AIBU to think this is really shitty, especially with 16 year olds? DS has had exams all week and looked forward to this as a break and now it has left him feeling shit. Thank fuck his exams went well others god knows what state he would be in. If anyone/anyone's dh captains a team of this sort and can explain to me why this is any way ok I'd love to hear it. At least this match was only a 20 minute drive away. We've had it in the past where we've driven well over an hour for similar to happen. I wish ex had never got him in to cricket (just to take little to no interest in how he does for most of the time).

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:29

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:08

At 16 it’s always competitive sport. You might give a 6 year old a go to be ‘fair’ but it doesn’t work that way in sports with older teens.

Well it absolutely depends where you live in the world, we wonder why we have an obesity problem and it is because unlike Nordic countries we prize winning over enjoyment and taking part for the welfare benefits of the young person. It is not really left field to suggest that this is shit because frankly it is!

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:30

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:22

I agree with you, he is in the 'fourth team', it is just unnecessary and actually I have a really hard time relating to folk who spout out stuff about him not being 6 (often said by those don't have DC or have young DC), he is still a child and guess what, even like adults, but more so as he isn't one, it can be truly shit being rejected and have your exams and stress of those to Undertake. What happened to youngsters partaking in sport to encourage being active for life - no wonder so many people in this country don't partake in any sport, it is this attitude that puts people off. I would like to go swimming but no that I'll be hissed at by the lane swimmers. My 16 year old DS plays football/basketball in the park but he is no Rooney, should he just give up!!

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It’s mumsnet, it’s pretty likely that most people have kids so it’s a weird thing to use to invalidate other people’s opinions. ‘Oh they probably don’t even have kids!!!’

The reality is there are competitive sports teams and there are casual sports teams. If you want to partake in something with less pressure then it should be the latter. Don’t join a competitive team and then complain about it.
No one said anything like your son shouldn’t be able to play football in the park don’t be ridiculous. But if he isn’t good it would be stupid to join a competitive team and complain that other players are better and so get picked for matches more.

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/05/2023 20:30

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:22

I agree with you, he is in the 'fourth team', it is just unnecessary and actually I have a really hard time relating to folk who spout out stuff about him not being 6 (often said by those don't have DC or have young DC), he is still a child and guess what, even like adults, but more so as he isn't one, it can be truly shit being rejected and have your exams and stress of those to Undertake. What happened to youngsters partaking in sport to encourage being active for life - no wonder so many people in this country don't partake in any sport, it is this attitude that puts people off. I would like to go swimming but no that I'll be hissed at by the lane swimmers. My 16 year old DS plays football/basketball in the park but he is no Rooney, should he just give up!!

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I do have children, one who is sporty and one who isn’t. The one who isn’t has just taken an interest in a team sport, she’s enjoying training but quite a way behind in ability to the other kids on the team. We’ve absolutely set her expectations that she probably won’t get much game time and needs to keep training if she wants to make the team.

MadeInChorley · 20/05/2023 20:31

PS. OP - it can be hard for a team manger (like me) to manage parent and player emotions. And I do sympathise with you both and I do try to help - often parental comments and criticism are helpful to the squad. But if your son loves cricket, find a club that will nurture that love and truly include him. There are - I assure you - lots of junior sections in clubs that would love to have him

Kelab · 20/05/2023 20:32

MadeInChorley · 20/05/2023 20:27

I am a parent and I manage a sports team. Not cricket. I don’t select players, positions or “order” - the coaches do that.

BUT, is he in the right club? Some are hyper competing, but frankly being in the best or too local team can be a bit “meh” unless they are super duper players. What I would say is that lots of sports teams, yes including cricket teams, are very welcoming and actively looking for keen young players. And by “keen” I mean not the best players but those boys and girls who are able to commit regularly - turn up to training and be readily available to play matches. Your son sons great. Find a different set up that will let his enthusiasm shine through.

I was going to mention this, it might just not be the team and the club for him. I don't think generally sports teams are better or worse than eachother, just some teams suit different people more. I play netball still and within a 10 mile radius there are 3 clubs and all suit different people. One is very social and plays just social games- all abilities welcome to train, another is highly competitive and although anyone can attend training nights to get onto any of the teams is hard, and another which you have to be amazing to train even.

TeenLifeMum · 20/05/2023 20:35

Unless it’s top level. Ime it’s about being in the clique and it’s crap. It’s okay to have a crap day sometimes though. I’d say something about working as a team and everyone is important but maybe mention to coach you’d like to bat next game… put himself in the coach’s mind without mum getting involved.

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:36

Dacadactyl · 20/05/2023 20:26

But (in football, at least) there are competitive grassroots clubs, even if the team is in the 6th division or whatever, they want to win. The coaches and kids on the team WANT to win. Equal game time in these clubs ensures that the "better" kids leave the club.

There are other, less competitive clubs, where they focus on equal game time etc. You just have to find the right fit club for the child in question.

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This is irrelevant, my DS plays football casually with mates at lunchtime and after school in the park. He plays basketball in the park, unsure how good he is at basketball. He is socialising, he doesn't want to be in a club as he has other stuff to do. Sport isn't and shouldn't be about being the best in childhood, it is about taking part. My nephew was picked for the young spurs team but he dropped it due to the relentlessness of the training. He doesn't really play football anymore as it is not a thing for him in a casual setting. How ridiculous is that!

Dacadactyl · 20/05/2023 20:38

@Goldenbear it's not irrelevant to the OP though. Her son is in a club.

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:38

FawnFrenchieMum · 20/05/2023 20:30

I do have children, one who is sporty and one who isn’t. The one who isn’t has just taken an interest in a team sport, she’s enjoying training but quite a way behind in ability to the other kids on the team. We’ve absolutely set her expectations that she probably won’t get much game time and needs to keep training if she wants to make the team.

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The absurdity is that you have to state that if you are in the UK. It is not a healthy approach to never partake, sport is only for the best, what rubbish!

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:40

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:30

It’s mumsnet, it’s pretty likely that most people have kids so it’s a weird thing to use to invalidate other people’s opinions. ‘Oh they probably don’t even have kids!!!’

The reality is there are competitive sports teams and there are casual sports teams. If you want to partake in something with less pressure then it should be the latter. Don’t join a competitive team and then complain about it.
No one said anything like your son shouldn’t be able to play football in the park don’t be ridiculous. But if he isn’t good it would be stupid to join a competitive team and complain that other players are better and so get picked for matches more.

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Yes but many people who go on about ideas of how 16 year olds behave or should be behaving have young kids and literally have no clue!

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:40

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:40

Yes but many people who go on about ideas of how 16 year olds behave or should be behaving have young kids and literally have no clue!

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You’re right, you’re the only person in the world to have a teenager 🙄

Neighneigh · 20/05/2023 20:43

I take it this is village cricket? It may well be that they have taken him to make up the numbers but juniors should always be included and involved in the games. Sounds like you're in the wrong team. Find one that involves its juniors; in our village team we have four u13s playing for our second seniors and the adults involved have all been absolutely amazing with them. They all get a bat and bowl - in their first match they each took a wicket.
I'd also echo that it sounds like your son's exhausted and just not had a good time, which I'm sorry about because cricket has become so important for my 13 yo. Encourage him to find a nicer team, we are out there! I know you're upset for him but take it as a learning experience.

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:43

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:30

It’s mumsnet, it’s pretty likely that most people have kids so it’s a weird thing to use to invalidate other people’s opinions. ‘Oh they probably don’t even have kids!!!’

The reality is there are competitive sports teams and there are casual sports teams. If you want to partake in something with less pressure then it should be the latter. Don’t join a competitive team and then complain about it.
No one said anything like your son shouldn’t be able to play football in the park don’t be ridiculous. But if he isn’t good it would be stupid to join a competitive team and complain that other players are better and so get picked for matches more.

Show quote history

He is pretty good, I know because he is a pretty good match for his cousin who was picked for the Spurs youth team. However, he is not interested in club sports as he plays the guitar, is very bright and reads lots, he's more interested in music. My point is in Nordic countries there would still be a value in him playing on a team as it is not about the winning.

MrsAvocet · 20/05/2023 20:44

That's what every single sports team does
No, it really isn't.
All the sports clubs my 17 year old DS has ever played for make sure that everyone gets a decent go if they are selected for a match. DS plays for the county in one position but not infrequently has to play out of position or spend time on the bench during club matches so that other players get their chance to develop and to have fun.
I'd look elsewhere if this is a regular occurence OP. There are clubs and coaches with a different ethos so hopefully you can find somewhere he enjoys more.

Davros · 20/05/2023 20:45

Littlefish · 20/05/2023 20:13

It's really common in cricket not to get a bat. It completely depends where he is in the batting order, and how the batsmen above him get on.

Sometimes only the first 3 batsmen get to bat in a whole 40 over game.

Bowling can also be specialised, even in a 4th team, depending on the wicket and the opposition. The team will want to win, and the captain will therefore choose the bowlers who will give them the best chance of doing this.

There are absolutely no guarantees.

I'm afraid your ds needs to grow a thicker skin.

This. If you understand cricket, a version of this happens at all levels

Soundofshuna · 20/05/2023 20:46

The club will end up shooting them selves in the foot as if he never gets to bowl he will then not want to play and they won’t have an eleven..

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:46

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:40

You’re right, you’re the only person in the world to have a teenager 🙄

Show quote history

That's not what I'm saying, the people who are harshest to older teenagers have silly expectations as they think it is so grown up when they have a 6 year old in front of them. 16 year olds 'do' get upset they 'do' get emotional and that is absolutely normal and not childish whatsoever.

usernother · 20/05/2023 20:47

If he gets that upset at 16 about not being able to do something that wants to do I would suggest he stops playing cricket.

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 20:48

On several threads we have nasty posts about how ridiculous it is that teenage boys are upset, anxious or crying in disappointment.

I simply cannot get why some people are so aghast at emotions being expressed.

No wonder there is such a crisis in teenage MH.

How exactly are they supposed to measure how they feel, grow and move on, becoming emotionally mature and self aware in the process, if they don't express themselves?

What could be better that telling a loving parent you are hurt, overwhelmed, upset, disappointed or sad, in a safe environment.

I have always encouraged my children to put into words their "big emotions".

This is the foundation and build blocks of good mental health.

OP, your poor son.
I would be furious at the lack of respect for his time.

Awful behaviour and I wouldn't let it go if it is a regular thing.

Garethkeenansstapler · 20/05/2023 20:49

billy1966 · 20/05/2023 20:48

On several threads we have nasty posts about how ridiculous it is that teenage boys are upset, anxious or crying in disappointment.

I simply cannot get why some people are so aghast at emotions being expressed.

No wonder there is such a crisis in teenage MH.

How exactly are they supposed to measure how they feel, grow and move on, becoming emotionally mature and self aware in the process, if they don't express themselves?

What could be better that telling a loving parent you are hurt, overwhelmed, upset, disappointed or sad, in a safe environment.

I have always encouraged my children to put into words their "big emotions".

This is the foundation and build blocks of good mental health.

OP, your poor son.
I would be furious at the lack of respect for his time.

Awful behaviour and I wouldn't let it go if it is a regular thing.

You’re being ridiculous. 16 year old boys crying over an amateur cricket game is over the top. Sometimes affirming somebody’s reaction just makes something into a much bigger deal than it should be.

Swimminginthelake · 20/05/2023 20:49

Depends how important the match was I guess. My 11 year old DS recently sat on the beach for a whole football game. And other times he's played for just 10 minutes. He does understand though that this is going to be the case when playing for this particular team. He plays for another team too and is a starting player. Obviously He would much rather be playing but he knows when it's a high stakes game he may not. Is he usually a sub? It's tough but good to manage expectations
. Admittedly this would be more frustrating in an all day cricket match.

Original poster
pinotnow · 20/05/2023 20:50

Those who have mentioned finding a different team - I completely agree but it's tricky as he has friends at this one and it's a 20 minute walk from our house. Any other would be a drive away, which is hard with me working f/t and a single parent - he often has to walk to training as I can't get home in time and his dad now can't drive due to a health condition. This is why comments like a pp made about 'he has to realise he can't get everything he wants,' piss me off. He is already well aware of this - parents divorced, several issues with his dad, me focussed on work half the time... He's not some spoilt brat. He won the 'Captain's Choice' trophy last year for his attitude and commitment etc. I get the sub-text of that and sadly so does he, but I am so proud of his attitude and have really tried to tell him how important that is. But he's not given to stropping at all - I just wish they had let him bowl a couple of overs today...

OP posts:
Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:51

Davros · 20/05/2023 20:45

This. If you understand cricket, a version of this happens at all levels

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Well you were contradicted on that position from an above poster. Are we talking about 'village cricket', where quite a few older, overweight men can be seen running slowly, in what is possibly one of the slowest paced sports known to man, really? Young 16 year old boys cannot compete? Even if they can't, what is the big deal, it is not Lords!

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 20:52

Goldenbear · 20/05/2023 20:46

That's not what I'm saying, the people who are harshest to older teenagers have silly expectations as they think it is so grown up when they have a 6 year old in front of them. 16 year olds 'do' get upset they 'do' get emotional and that is absolutely normal and not childish whatsoever.

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I don’t think a single person said teenagers don’t get upset or emotional. I think anyone with half a brain is well aware that a 16 year old probably has less of a hold on their emotions than a 6 year old.
That doesn’t change the reality that this 16 year old plays in a competitive team. If that’s not a structure that suits him there are other sports groups he should look into.

Weedoormatnomore · 20/05/2023 20:54

Hope he is feeling better the coach should have told him what the line up was presume he was down for batting but at the end therefore if the first lot of batters don't get out before they run out of overs he aint up. My DD left a team after always being last up they even had players from private school who didn't live in the area. Some where better than my dd but some where worse ! The team is now crying out weekly on fb for players or they are going to cancel the girls team.

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