To think this is an awful way to treat teenagers - sports teams

[pinotnow]

I have just had 16 year old ds in tears as he has spent the day, pretty much the whole day, with his cricket team and didn't bowl or bat the whole entire time. Apparently he fielded in a crap position too (can't remember the term he used because cricket is full of fucking stupid terms no one understands) and feels like he may as well not have been there. He's never been much of a crier and it has been heart-breaking to see him so upset and now I'm really fucking angry.

I completely understand that if others are better than him they're going to get more overs or whatever. I'm not suggesting he should have a turn at opening the batting. But would it really be such a fucking disaster for this fourth team if someone not quite as good as someone else who's probably not all that bowled a couple of overs?? Really? Would the earth stop turning if that happened? He says he played well last week and took a wicket so why nothing this week?

AIBU to think this is really shitty, especially with 16 year olds? DS has had exams all week and looked forward to this as a break and now it has left him feeling shit. Thank fuck his exams went well others god knows what state he would be in. If anyone/anyone's dh captains a team of this sort and can explain to me why this is any way ok I'd love to hear it. At least this match was only a 20 minute drive away. We've had it in the past where we've driven well over an hour for similar to happen. I wish ex had never got him in to cricket (just to take little to no interest in how he does for most of the time).

You’re really fucking angry about this?? Really OP? He’s 16, not a little kid, and he’s just had a lesson in Life’s Not Fair, we all run into it sooner or later. I can’t imagine cheating so upset over this at 16, but then I had left home and had bills and my job to worry about so I accept I’m not the norm there, but even so, I think your son needs to learn he can’t always get what he wants, none of us do, and it’s really not worth getting that upset about. Maybe he should join another team outside of school?

You understand that there’s a middle ground between telling kids they can never cry or show emotion, and indulging every dramatic reaction to something mundane? Neither of those extremes are good. Kids need to be in touch with their emotions, but they also need some resilience.

*I doubt they were "stringing him along". More like by the age of 16, they expect him to understand how substitution works.

Is he usually this sensitive? Maybe team sports are not his thing.*

Yes, cos if you get down about spending the whole afternoon out in the field without a look in despite taking a wicket the week before " you're too sensitive " and not a team player......

NOT

A bit late to the party but your comments have been made about 'team sports' not being for the OP's son and frankly it is codswallop! This is how team sports work in Britain for children 11+ but winning at everyone's expense including at the expense of their mental health is not how it works everywhere, the youth sports model in Norway does not prize winning over taking part and being involved in a variety of sports including Team sports whatever your ability, specialising in late adolescence, the National Youth Sports policy has principles such as:

"Children have the right to participate in training and competitive activities which will facilitate development of friendship and solidarity.”

* “Children have the right to experience a sense of mastery and to learn many different skills. They must also be granted opportunities for variation, training and interaction with others.”

A PP was dismissive of these ideas but the 'fact" is they work, the trouble is in this country we have attitudes like yours that are the antithesis of these ideas, where teenagers who cry are described as needing to 'get a grip' or belittled for having normal teenage (adolescent) responses!

He did show resilience, he cried in private around his Mum, he didn't drop to the ground, sobbing in front of team mates, disrupting the game. He resigned himself to the shitty decision of the adults.

Leaving home at 16 is not really the norm though. I was brought up to question things that don't work, as were my parents, the 60s youth trail blazers that didn't accept things 'the way they are' and questioned whether the good life was just for the elite. Even my grandparents generation after fighting a world war thought, yes, well we thought a war with you now we want a health care system we can access, an education system that is fair. Lots of people don't accept the status quo and the resignation of 'that's life' because guess what it doesn't have to be the same forever, 'just because'🙄

I'm sorry to hear that, what a lovely thing for your son to do, that's a significant number of young men. Having a 16 year old DS who is sitting GCSEs at the moment I can totally relate to the OP and I detest the double standards we have for boys, we still very much expect much more from 'boys' with emotional resilience than girls. That perception makes boys feel inadequate. My DS hasn't cried for about 2 years but I can see when he is visibly stressed, upset and I ask him about it, he will always open up. As my Dad said to me he was 10, only 6 years ago, so a child but all this bravado boys have as they become close to late adolescence, it is certainly encouraged by these poor attitudes about what a man is supposed to be. Thoroughly depressing.

I do under that @Naunet but evidently people don’t think it’s ok for boys to cry, which is fucking awful.

My DS is just turned 17 and I really can't remember the last time I saw him cry. It probably was over cricket though, as a younger child getting out quickly or unfairly etc. He has been working with this mental health charity for the last 6 months, he is thinking of becoming an ambassador. Its a great charity called Tonic Music for Mental Health.

I remember at 7 yo he went to a football tournament, was there all day and was brought on for the last 2 mins of the whole day. He even bravely sat through the team talk at the end, as he walked off away from the coach/team I saw his shoulders shaking. We walked straight out and never went back.

I'll take a look at that, how wonderful that he is thinking of becoming an ambassador. My DS certainly uses his guitar as a way to escape there has been lots of guitar playing over the last few weeks of GCSE revision stress

I can certainly relate to the football experience. We paid quite a bit for him to attend a football club, it was also aged about 7 and the young coach, he didn't have children (unsure if that made a difference to his attitude) and he was playing professionally in a league club but not a high division so he had very high standards but he would always pick the same boys for boy of the match and tournaments my DS didn't get a look in, he was highly critical of him and others in front of the other boys at the end. After one such time I had had enough and asked him why he felt the need to belittle my child who was only 7. He was apologetic and seemed surprised but yes, my 7 year old little boy did have his self esteem knocked. The irony is at 16 he is pretty good player and that is just from him and his friends (the other school team rejects) playing football in the field at lunchtime and at the park. I know he is pretty good as when DH and DS have played my brother and nephew he is certainly a match for them both very good players, nephew was at Spurs juniors but even at 9 it is all or nothing and your education suffers something my brother and sister in law were not prepared to gamble on for nephew.

Life is tough as a teen, I know I have been struggling myself recently as life can be tough now, things are very different now to 30 years ago. I try to get a balance for mine where they do have to learn lessons and manage through tough situations without being wrapped in cotton wool but also that they have to learn things aren't always fair and you have to crack on sometimes.

Obviously being a musician where you are constantly being judged and your next booking comes from you proving yourself over and over again is a tough one, hence the need for specific mental health charities just for musicians. Luckily DS is at a level now where he doesn't have to worry too much and is turning work down but he also realises that it won't always be this easy.

He’s 16! That’s really bare minimum.

I'm 56 and very resillient. If I wasn't, I probably wouldn't still be here given some of the shit I have experienced in recent years. But I still cry on the odd occasion, sometimes over things which are relatively insignificant and when looked back on, often comparatively easy to manage.
But what I don't do (or at least try not to do) is make sweeping judgments about other people's children based on teeny snippets of information. I particularly wouldn't judge the behaviour of any 16 year old at this time of year. I'd say there's more than a passing chance that cricket isn't really what is stressing him right now. * *

I get that it's quite a long thread now but I really don't see the point of jumping on with these wild assumptions about my son based on one post. You could have even just read my posts to see that he has very much learnt long before now that he can't always get what he wants: divorce, parental illness and general crapness and all the other disappointments of childhood have taught him that over and over but it hasn't made him immune to tears in the privacy of his home with his mum. And why on earth should it? Appalling attitudes on here from some from people with zero emotional intelligence. I'm so glad my son isn't afraid to express his emotions to me.

There is a thread running about 'fatness', this thread really highlights how teenagers get put off sports. This then contributes to people putting on weight. At a low level, all should play, get game time, and switch positions if necessary . It's not elite level sports where you expect highly competitive selection. I hope the OPS lad feels better for letting out his frustration to his mum and is ready to go again.

Sport can be shit at the later ages. My ds is only 9, but has already had his (school-mandated) shirt torn, been spat at, made fun of, etc etc. My brother was a professional cricketer, and even he at mid 20's had them whispering awful shit in his ear at the stumps. Men's/"male" sports is fucking shite.

Totally agree OP, this thread is really disappointing/sad TBH.

In my son's midweek cricket match last night the opening batsman was called a cunt several times whilst batting, purely for the reason that he is usually a tail ender who happened to open that week. That's mild compared to most stuff whispered TBH.

Was that by a team mate? Dreadful behaviour. If that happened in any of the teams my daughter plays cricket in the person doing the name calling would be severely reprimanded.

It's a team sport. If the team don't work together they can't expect to win anything.

I really don't think that is representative of the way most clubs behave.

Opposition, its adult cricket so it seems anything goes quite often. Its representative of many cricket teams sadly. In our club both kids and adults would definitely be reprimanded. Sledging is rife in cricket.

This

My daughter plays on our club mens team 3 rds team , under15 boys (now mixed) , club women’s first team and is playing girls county age group and has never heard any one called a cunt ! These teams are across 3 clubs!

My son who is not as talented as his sister has also never experienced such unsporting behaviour in cricket , he sees it in tennis though .

I have rarely heard anything in colts cricket, never at club or county. Never an issue. I have been involved in men's cricket for about 10 years, I'm surprised your DD hasn't heard anything TBH. This is across many teams, mostly in the higher leagues where its more competitive.

so you are taking about something different from what most 16 year olds will experience. My 16 year old boy hit a couple of half centuries in our mens 2nd team but was never in the county pathway. I doubt ops son is playing at the level you are talking about, if he were he’d understand the importance of fielding . My daughter, and son , have heard bad language and banter, but not bullying which is what your post implied is rife.

I don't really understand why you are arguing with me really. Its my experience so it's factual based on what I have seen/heard. My 17 yo has played in adult teams since U13s, many 16 yos will have played adult cricket for a while potentially. I never mentioned bullying, I mentioned bad language and sledging.