AIBU to be confused and hurt over no invite

[YouShouldBeDancingYeah]

I have been friends with a group of women since my teens. We generally stay in touch via social media / WhatsApp and meet a few times a year locally.
We are all approaching (or are over!) a big birthday this year. I opened FB this morning to find a post from one of the group thanking “all her friends for the best birthday party ever” and loads of photos of them all in her garden celebrating. Obvs I didn’t get the memo…or an invite!
Ive spoken to a few of them over the last few weeks and obviously not one of them mentioned it. Even stranger, I’m due to meet birthday girl for lunch this week and prior to today she’s been behaving completely normally.

The adult in me really just wants to forget it and focus on people in my life who actually want me there. But the inner 13 year old in my head is raging and crying over this and this apparent rejection! And I’m going over and over in my head about what I could have possibly done to be snubbed like that.

So WWYD?

1. Forget, block and move on
2. Meet birthday girl for lunch as planned and say nothing?
3. Meet birthday girl and find out how your invite got so lost in the post…

Thank you!

For me it would have to be 1

My thoughts would be that it was done for a reason.
I would never be able to be comfortable in their company again, whatever the excuse they gave.

I'd probably cancel the lunch and back right off the friendship tbh.

See if any of them make the effort to contact you. If they don't then you have your answer.

I'm sorry to say I think this sounds like a deliberate snub. They're nasty bitches.

I would do 2 and 3

Best advice I've ever been given :

'Not invited = don't go.
Not told = don't ask.
Late invites = decline .

Always remember that'

It is so freeing . Go for lunch but follow the above !

In your situation I wouldn’t message anything, then meet her for lunch and ask. It could be a surprise party but could be coming from her.

you can fake a reason in the message but when you sit face to face it’s more difficult.

@tillytoodles1

My friends came all day to both of my kids weddings. When her son got married, we weren't invited so I messaged her saying "thanks for the invitation". She replied saying she was sorry but they already had the full capacity at the venue. Obviously the friendship wasn't as important to them as it was to us.

It wasn't her wedding, it was her son's wedding!

I can't believe you sent such a passive aggressive message to someone you consider such a good friend.

How rude and thoughtless when it wasn't her event to have the final say on.

It seems to me that she didn't particularly want to see you at her birthday party (and has perhaps lied about spending it with family). But she does want to meet you one-to-one because you'll pay for her lunch and buy her a gift.
I'd be inclined to be a 'no-show' for lunch and block the cow.

This very thing happened to me earlier this year. I was discussing dates via text to take someone who I felt was one of my best friends out for their birthday lunch and then saw the next day on fb she had had a massive birthday party in a bar with at least 40+ friends! I was really upset and didn't get back to her about dates for the birthday lunch I was meant to be taking her out for. Haven't seen her since. Just accepted I wasn't that close a friend to her in her eyes and have let go. It really hurt at the time though.

Oh :( I understand why you’d feel hurt. I hope you get some answers soon - you definitely need them to fully move forward

But out in the real world, most people organising their wedding factor in inviting close friends of their parents - who are often like aunts and uncles anyway.

This happened to me, I thought we were good friends with busy lives. Turns out that all my friends were meeting up and ‘forgetting’ to invite me. I would prefer someone to say to me that we just don’t want to be friends anymore, yes it brutal but there’s closure, I can I friend them and delete them from my chats, and move on. Ghosting someone is a cowards way of distancing yourselves but still being involved when there’s a bit of drama or some gossip.

Very unkind behaviour, make sure you call her out!

It's so hard to be the bigger person and not make a thing of it when it's made you feel wretched.
I'm being ghosted by 2 friends at the moment and know just to leave them to it but it's hard so hard

It would be the end of the friendship for me. What a horrible way to behave. If it was an oversight surely someone would have called you from the party to apologise or ask if you can go straight away?

Ps I have come off social media and it is lovely not seeing what non-friends are doing anymore!

I'd bring it up, just in case she thinks you were invited and is wondering why you never came or sent an apology for not being able to attend. I'd need to rule out that it wasn't a lost invite or misunderstanding. If it was clear I just hadn't been invited, that would be the end of the 'friendship' for me.

Great advice and keeps your dignity.

@Jellycats4life

But out in the real world, most people organising their wedding factor in inviting close friends of their parents - who are often like aunts and uncles anyway.

They do if they can afford to and want a wedding of the size that makes it possible.

If a bride and groom want to have a less expensive or smaller, more intimate wedding, it's completely inappropriate and incredibly rude of people to send their parents passive aggressive 'thanks for the invitation' messages if they weren't invited.

It's especially difficult for brides and grooms who have parents with lots and lots of friends of a similar level of closeness, as it can feel like you either need to invite all or none of them. Not everyone can afford to include them all and it's not the parents fault.

I'm surprised anyone thinks that sending a passive aggressive message to the parents is an appropriate thing to do to be honest 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you're close friends I'd honestly just message her now and ask, plenty of ways to word it without creating drama or whatever. Just say something along the lines of I saw on x you had a party I'm a bit upset I wasn't invited.

I don’t agree. By saying nothing and acting as if it’s fine it’s likely to happen again. Why should OP pretend to be ok with it when her friends have treated her like shit? She’s not ok, she’s understandably upset.

I’d ask why she didn’t invite you. Tell her it’s hurtful and find out why she’s so stupid to post about it on social media.

@YouShouldBeDancingYeah are you in the habit of meeting up with birthday girl on your own then ? If so then could this maybe be a reason for it? ie that you are seeing her on a one to one and that is more special as it were?

I'd do this

OP,

No way would I be taking her out for lunch or giving her a gift after that.

I think a message asking was there a reason I was excluded is reasonable.

Wouldn't dream of waiting for a lunch.

@tillytoodles1 not the same thing. that was your friend's sons wedding. the bride and groom choose who are invited to the wedding not his mother.