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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be confused and hurt over no invite

253 replies

YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 18:19

I have been friends with a group of women since my teens. We generally stay in touch via social media / WhatsApp and meet a few times a year locally.
We are all approaching (or are over!) a big birthday this year. I opened FB this morning to find a post from one of the group thanking “all her friends for the best birthday party ever” and loads of photos of them all in her garden celebrating. Obvs I didn’t get the memo…or an invite!
Ive spoken to a few of them over the last few weeks and obviously not one of them mentioned it. Even stranger, I’m due to meet birthday girl for lunch this week and prior to today she’s been behaving completely normally.

The adult in me really just wants to forget it and focus on people in my life who actually want me there. But the inner 13 year old in my head is raging and crying over this and this apparent rejection! And I’m going over and over in my head about what I could have possibly done to be snubbed like that.

So WWYD?

  1. Forget, block and move on
  2. Meet birthday girl for lunch as planned and say nothing?
  3. Meet birthday girl and find out how your invite got so lost in the post…

Thank you!

OP posts:
leopard22 · 20/05/2023 19:38

If it was in malice it's a bit odd that she'd organise a lunch with you only a few days after, knowing you would have seen the social media posts

joycies · 20/05/2023 19:38

3 and make her pay for your lunch

FairAcre · 20/05/2023 19:39

Why don’t you comment on the WhatsApp group. Say something like ‘it looks a fun night.’ And see what they say.

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 19:39

Oh OP- no wonder you are hurt, I would be too.

The fact she told you she was spending it with her family and clearly lied about it is kind of sadly leaning towards it being deliberate. I'd have to have it out with her before the lunch. I couldnt go to lunch knowing she did this. Excluding only one person when everyone else was invited is really nasty, mean girl behaviour and if this is how this person is, I wouldnt want her as a "friend".

Definitely 3, but before the lunch.

CantFindTheBeat · 20/05/2023 19:41

That's so awful, OP.

Some people just have no moral compass. Others have no awareness. Some have nothing to do with the plans so have no idea who's upset and who isn't.

When was your lunch booked?

LadyLolaRuben · 20/05/2023 19:41

Yes I'd have to ask her in a non-emotional way and I'd do it before meeting for lunch

Unicorn2022 · 20/05/2023 19:42

leopard22 · 20/05/2023 19:38

If it was in malice it's a bit odd that she'd organise a lunch with you only a few days after, knowing you would have seen the social media posts

A lot of people do this and are quite happy to have midweek lunches and meet ups with people but save their weekends and parties for other friends.

lisbeth1 · 20/05/2023 19:42

I’d say definitely ask. I would try (hard as it is) not to choose a passive aggressive approach and just say directly “I was wondering why I wasn’t invited to your birthday party?” and see what she has to say.

If it turns out that the friendship isn’t the same to you as it is to her, it’s so so hard but you will move on and it is her loss! If it makes you feel better I asked what I thought was a very close friend to officiate our wedding and he agreed and then later when covid hit, he had to drop numbers for his wedding and we didn’t make the cut…though other friends I thought weren’t as close did! I cried a considerable amount and did have to bring it up as I needed to change officiant as was too embarrassed to have him have such a special role in our wedding when I knew we weren’t in their list of “must have” friends. Major cringe. But I survived! I also waited until their wedding was over before bringing it up, sent them a gift and still feel pleased I was able to act with grace in addressing it even though it was hard. I would feel worse now if I had steamed in passive aggressive (which took a lot of chatting through with partner and unwritten letters to get out of system!)

stayathomer · 20/05/2023 19:43

Hopefully hopefully your invite was just 'lost in the post'

Unicorn2022 · 20/05/2023 19:44

stayathomer · 20/05/2023 19:43

Hopefully hopefully your invite was just 'lost in the post'

So why hasn't the friend texted the OP asking why she didn't go? Or confirm beforehand that she had received her invitation and was coming?

ilovesushi · 20/05/2023 19:45

The only legitimate reason I can think of is maybe someone in the group who is less close to you than the others organised it and accidentally left you out. I have a group of old uni friends and some are more friends of friends than my actual friends. Maybe I'm clutching at straws!

Inkpotlover · 20/05/2023 19:46

This sounds exactly like a thread that was posted a little while ago. Big birthday, lunch planned, party without OP.

MrsTWH · 20/05/2023 19:46

Sorry, OP. I would do number 1.
she lied about how she was celebrating. Nobody has talked about it or mentioned it.

I certainly wouldn’t be going to lunch.

silverfullmoon · 20/05/2023 19:46

stayathomer · 20/05/2023 19:43

Hopefully hopefully your invite was just 'lost in the post'

OP asked her what she was doing for her birthday and she said she was spending it with her family. So this isn’t possible

leopard22 · 20/05/2023 19:49

@Unicorn2022 I would get that if she was friend separate from any groups but she's part of a full friendship group, I just think it would be really awkward for both sides

HoleyShit · 20/05/2023 19:50

tillytoodles1 · 20/05/2023 19:10

My friends came all day to both of my kids weddings. When her son got married, we weren't invited so I messaged her saying "thanks for the invitation". She replied saying she was sorry but they already had the full capacity at the venue. Obviously the friendship wasn't as important to them as it was to us.

Er this is not the same thing at all! I wouldn't have wanted random friends of my parents at my wedding either.

chickenpiehashbrown · 20/05/2023 19:51

I would absolutely ask but do it face to face, you'll soon see if it's a genuine reaction/answer you'll be getting. It does seem really odd that it's a close friendship group but you weren't there, just doesn't fit?! Sorry OP, it's shit.

Original poster
YouShouldBeDancingYeah · 20/05/2023 19:51

CantFindTheBeat · 20/05/2023 19:41

That's so awful, OP.

Some people just have no moral compass. Others have no awareness. Some have nothing to do with the plans so have no idea who's upset and who isn't.

When was your lunch booked?

It’s towards the end of next week…I’m definitely going to message her beforehand though.

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 20/05/2023 19:52

I’d do neither of those options and instead message this today

‘Hey friend! I saw on FB you had a party and all the other girls were there. I’m feeling a bit hurt I wasn’t invited and wondering if I’ve done something to upset someone? I can’t think why else I wouldn’t have been included. I hope that you did have a good birthday!’

And then I would step back and wait. I would want a decent explanation of why I wasn’t included and if I didn’t get one I’d say

‘Oh ok. I think I’m going to have to miss lunch this week, but catch up soon!’

and then I wouldn’t message again. DO NOT HE AFRAID TO CALL OUT ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR!!

Mrsknowitall · 20/05/2023 19:53

Can you not put it in your WhatsApp group? I would want to find out the reason first before I met up with the b’day girl then decide if I even wanted to go to that depending on the reason you wasn’t invited. Similar happened to me years ago with a close friend who invited my sister and my cousin (cousin she had met twice) to her hen do weekend away and I didn’t find out until they was away and saw all the pics on fb, I confronted her straight away and our friendship has never been the same again

Tellmeimcrazy · 20/05/2023 19:53

Mrsknowitall · 20/05/2023 19:53

Can you not put it in your WhatsApp group? I would want to find out the reason first before I met up with the b’day girl then decide if I even wanted to go to that depending on the reason you wasn’t invited. Similar happened to me years ago with a close friend who invited my sister and my cousin (cousin she had met twice) to her hen do weekend away and I didn’t find out until they was away and saw all the pics on fb, I confronted her straight away and our friendship has never been the same again

What was her reason?!

CantFindTheBeat · 20/05/2023 19:55

Was it definitely a party, OP?

Could it just have a been a group of people who have a different connection?

Tophy124 · 20/05/2023 19:55

@CantFindTheBeat she said all her friends from the group were there, so no.

Shiningstar80 · 20/05/2023 19:56

I am so sorry this happened. A similar thing happened to me years ago.
I decided to cut the people out my life as clearly they didn’t want me as a friend.

Personally I wouldn’t ever bother with them again as they never even hinted it which makes me think they conspired to make sure no one did.

If you feel you need to say something, as someone said, don’t say you were hurt, just say clearly you aren’t as good friends as you had thought and see what they say.
What a sh!tty thing to do to you x

stealthninjamum · 20/05/2023 19:56

Op I think I’d just do a slow fade on the relationships. She thanked all her friends for a great party, that would be like sticking two fingers up at me. I’m in a couple of social groups - primary school mums and NCT group mums - that meet a couple of times a year and even though there might be one member of a group i like less than the others I wouldn’t dream of not inviting them. I wouldn’t want to upset even someone who’s not a good friend!